Demand flavored pudding.

Yes, I know it's been two months. But being a sophomore is stressful, especially when you're applying to be an RA and to go to PROFESSIONAL SCHOOL NEXT YEAR. Wow. I really can't believe I'm already applying to pharmacy school...where has life gone? Oh, right...I've had my head down, buried in books and papers and MasteringBiology, so I haven't noticed life rushing past me on all sides.

Anyway. The point of this post: where is life going?

Huh? What do you mean, Ali?

Well. For my Honors course this semester (HRS 200: The Modern World, with Dr. Stafford of CU's English department - she's awesome, btw - I had her for Rhet & Comp freshman year), we just began reading Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451. WOW. I'm amazed that I've never read it before. I'm a pretty big fan of Bradbury's work. All Summer in a Day, The Martian Chronicles, etc. I enjoy his stories because they terrify me. They're frightening because the futures he describes are so possible, and I can actually visualize the world becoming those sci-fi freaky realities.

This is especially the case with F451. A world without books because we don't want to offend anyone and we want to learn trivial facts rather than THINK about issues. We want "a nice blend of vanilla tapioca." It's faster to learn facts, cramming them into our minds and pushing real thought out of the way. We'd rather be contestants on trivia shows than intellectual students. Bradbury predicted all those shows where contestants win prizes because they can remember lyrics to a song. He predicted it over 50 years ago. That's scary.

So what are you going to do about it? I'll tell you what I'm going to do. When they offer me that vanilla tapioca, I'll push it away and demand chocolate, butterscotch, and banana. Will you?

Creative Cursing is an extremely entertaining piece of work.

Oh hey y'all! Guess what?!

I'm writing a speech about blogging! I'm in Communications 152 right now, and I have an informative speech to give next week. It's supposed to be about something we're interested in, and I just kind of randomly thought, "Hey, I like blogging. Maybe I should talk about that for six minutes."

So I am! Cool, huh? I'm going to talk about how it got started, what its benefits/positives are, and what its downfalls are. It should be an interesting experience. And if I do the speech without notes, I get ten extra points added on to my score. :)

You know, I feel like I never add pictures to my posts. I would now, but I don't have a picture that relates to my love of blogging...sorry...

Okay well I'm going to go work on my speech now! Later!

Birthday Downpour

Tiny rivers running down brick sidewalks
Leaving adolescence behind
Wet, wild water soaks her pants
A woman now, twenty years old
Friends are waiting for lunch
Contemplating how she got there
Hood soaked through
Scrunched hair today
Humidity would have curled it anyway
No showers of presents,
Just showers upon showers of water
Huge, heavy, heartening drops
Too old to dance in the rain?
Never.

I don't think anyone actually reads this, but I don't really care.

School has started! I'm finished with my first (half) week of classes for Fall Semester 2009. My schedule is as follows:

MWF:
-9:30-10:20 Microeconomics
-11:30-12:20 Microbiology
-12:30-1:20 Organic Chemistry
-1:30-4:20 (M only) Biology Lab
-2:30-5:20 (W only) Organic Chemistry Lab

TR:
-9:30-10:45 Honors Modern Literature
-11:00-12:15 Communications

Woot. After only 1 or 2 classes, I can tell I'm going to like Microeconomics, Organic Chemistry, and Honors...maybe even Communications. I doubt I'll enjoy Biology, but I'm going to try harder than I did last semester to pay attention to it. Last semester I had Macrobiology. Biology classes are Creighton's largest, with about 250 students in each of the 2 sections of each class. It's wicked hard to pay attention in a class that big. But I have decided this semester I am going to be a better student than last year and it's my goal to come out with a 4.0 QPA for the semester.

Let's see if I can do it. :)

New Start

Hokay, so I'm back. Back to Tall, Red, and Freckled, back to Creighton, back to Swanson Hall. Back to classes on Wednesday... :S haha but I'm actually looking forward to classes this year. They're going to be different: Microeconomics, Macrobiology, Organic Chemistry, Communications, and...wait for it...wait for it...English Literature! Woot woot! That's my Honors course this semester. Well, technically it's called "The Modern World," but that's too generalized. There are two sections of it, and I chose the literature-based section instead of the math and science-base one. Probably not a wise move from the pre-pharmacy academic standpoint, but a VERY wise move from a personal standpoint. I love Lit. My Lit classes have been my favorite here at Creighton, just as they were in high school (in large part due to the fantastic teacher I had: Dr. Dan Cox!).

So. That's what's up with my school life. As for my personal life, I am very much enjoying the week that I'm here without classes. I went clubbing for the first time on Friday at a 19-and-over back to school bash at Club Rojo in South Omaha...that was quite an experience. A little awkward, and a little strange, but rather fun! I'm going back in two weeks. :) I've been hanging out with new(ish) friends and meeting new people (always a good thing), and have gotten the chance to visit with some old(ish) friends too! So glad I got to move in early. And I haven't had to deal with the event I was dreading before coming back...yet. I'm sure I will, but I'm still hoping I never see her...

But I'm making some really great friendships now, so I'll survive. I'll be alright. It's going to be a great year.

Oh, and btw...Ryan's been sweeter than ever lately...almost back to the way it was last summer. Almost. Just so you know.

Something new: "I Hate This"

I hate how everyone else was right.
I hate how I refused to listen to them.
I hate how I suddenly got wrapped up in you.
I hate how I can't get untangled.
I hate how what I loved wasn't really you.
I hate how you pretended so that I'd fall.
I hate how I fell so hard, and for you.
I hate how you don't care.
I hate how I cared so much, while you care so little.
I hate how I don't care anymore.
I hate how I'm not ready.
I hate how I realize I need to be.
I hate how I don't love you like I did, but I still do love you.
I hate how I want to go back instead of forward.
I hate how I can't do anything because I'm scared.
And I hate how you don't even know.
How I'm putting on a face, and not letting you see this.

Holy crap it's been two months

How is it that my "first relaxing summer in the history of the world" is SO BUSY??? How does that happen? The only time I'm ever on my computer is late at night, and by that point, I'm too tired to write an entry or read all the ones I follow! I'm so very sorry. I apologize to you guys too much, but that's because I leave you too much. Referring to earlier statement: so very very very very sorry.

I haven't even worked on the novel much. I have a couple times, but I'm just not inspired! There's just too much crap going through my head right now that I can't even think about it, which uber-depresses me. But I have started with writing songs...well, it could be rhyming poetry (whoa that's a change), but I have plans to teach myself a bit of piano and actually make them songs.

Okay, so brief rundown:
-worked at home for parents most of May and June (painting bathroom, doing laundry, mowing lawn, buying groceries, etc.)
-went to camp June 17-27 as counselor (diabetes camp...BIG middle school drama story to tell with that)
-started job shadowing in hospital retail pharmacy last week (I surprised myself by enjoying it!)
-between camp and job shadowing, was nearly broken up with because Ryan "needs his space, we don't match, he doesn't want to lose me, he loves me but (looooooong pause) he's not madly in love with me" -- rather depressed and crying lots this week...come sit in the bowl chair with me and hold me while I cry please? (you know who you are))
-back to being okay, but lots of emotion left our relationship...although I still love him since I loved him a hell of a lot...but now I realize things I didn't see before

So there. That's been my summer. And now this week I'm going back to work at dad's office for a bit, then Summer Preview (new student orientation at school)! I'm psyched for that. Oh and John C. Fremont Days this weekend!

Okay, I'm going to go put camp pics on Facebook now. Hugs!

OMG. It has been far too long. I miss you guys.

Wow. I can't believe how long it's been since I've written! Geez! I'm so very sorry.

And of course I feel like I have nothing to say. Ha...well, it's summer for me (has been for a week and a half), and basically I've just been hanging out lately. I've been running a lot of errands for my mom, and cleaning the house and stuff. I'm still waiting to see if I have my job back from last summer, which is nowhere near guaranteed because of all the layoffs the company has had in the last few weeks. :( Hopefully I'll get to have at least a couple days a week...

On a different note, you'll never guess what Sunday was...my 1-year anniversary with Ryan! :D Sadly, we were kind of fighting the week before...but I think it's all resolved now. I'm pretty positive we're okay now. I just have to remember that he's not the same as me, that he's not sensitive and romantic like me, and I can't expect him to be. Actually, I don't know if I'd be able to stand it if he WAS like me! I'm way too emotional, and if he was like that too...I wouldn't want to see what would happen. I just need to keep in mind how lucky I am to have him in my life...I'm the luckiest girl in the world. <3

So that's about all for now...I'm working on writing the novel...it's just coming along slowly. But don't worry, there's no chance I'm going to give up. It's my dream, and I'm not stopping til I achieve it. See y'all next time. :)

End of the year (preview)

Okay, so I really should NOT be typing this right now...I should be typing my take-home-final-essay thing for Philosophy, but I don't want to. It's about the meaning of life, and I don't know what it is. Ryan says it's cookies, but I'm not sure he's right about that.

So...it's the end of the year. The last seven days of my freshman year of college. That is insane! I can't believe it! Last year at this time I was still filling out scholarship applications and waiting on acceptance letters, and now I know my schedule for next year and who I'm going to buy my books from, and hosting girls who are in the same place I was a year ago. That sentence didn't really make sense...I mean, high school seniors have been coming lately to stay on campus for a night, and I have hosted four girls. One is for sure coming to Creighton, and I am super glad for that. She was really cool. Hopefully the other three liked it enough to come here too!

Okay. That's enough for now. More later, maybe Friday. Maybe not. I don't know. Maybe in a week, when I finally have nothing to do! WOOOT! Til then, hugs!

Philosophy and other such things

I'm avoiding reading the chapter I'm supposed to read for philosophy tomorrow, even though I really need to because Dr. Stephens will most likely quiz us on it...but I just don't want to right now. I don't really want to do anything, even sleep. I have a bunch of homework I could be working ahead on...I just have no motivation to do it! Oh well...I probably should do that.

Seeing as I don't have Facebook anymore, I should have a lot more free time. I can't believe how much time I spent on that site! Even when I wasn't doing anything on it, I would just hit the "Home" button every few seconds just to see if anything happened. And now I find myself doing that with Twitter -- I'm addicted! I have found a bunch of people to follow in the past few days, including Dave of The Fray, Switchfoot, Jason Mraz, and (I think) Teddy Geiger. But I'm not sure that it's really him. I hope so! Anyway, I get caught up refreshing the page every couple of minutes, waiting for something to change, and it doesn't much. I really want to gain more followers, so I probably shouldn't have my updates protected, but I don't want to have those people who try to follow every single person on Twitter as my followers. So I don't share my updates with everyone. If you have Twitter and would like to follow me/have me follow you, please let me know what your user name is! :) http://twitter.com/alijog

So I should probably do my homework...ugggghhhh. :S So much to do, so little motivation! Love you all.

I don't want to be here...

I don't. I don't want to face them, I don't want to address this...I just want it to be summer. Only three and a half weeks, and I'll home, and it'll be summer, and I'll be around people who I KNOW don't talk behind my back. Here, though...I'm not so sure. But until then, I don't want to deal with this. I deactivated my Facebook for that reason. No, I didn't block you, I just decided I didn't want to deal with it, so I deactivated. I'll reactivate in the summer, but not before then. Maybe then all this will wash away and I won't have to face you again.

I realize that what I did was stupid and immature, and I'm truly sorry I let myself do that. But what you don't seem to realize is that it wasn't something little to me. It was my best friend telling me I wasn't good enough for her, and that's the worst way to hurt me. It's what I fear most about any friendship -- not being good enough. So thank you for pushing it into my face how much better you are at all things than I am, but I'd rather not listen anymore. Therefore I removed myself from the situation and not letting myself stoop as low as I did ever again. This is the last of it. I give up...not to say you win, just that I give up. It's not worth fighting for anymore. I don't think you were the type of friends I really wanted in the first place.

So. Now that that's done...I'm moving on. I'm going to focus on my studying these next three weeks, and I'm going to fully prepare myself for everything (academically speaking). It's going to be a hell of a lot of work, but now that I don't have Facebook to distract me, it shouldn't be as difficult as it was. Now I just have to stay off of Twitter a little more. :S haha

That's what's going on with me. I haven't written my novel in waaaaaaaay too long...but I just don't have time. I got my Honors paper done a little bit ago, and then I have my Bio paper due Wednesday, and World Lit paper due next Tuesday. And my World Lit project...hmmm...I need inspiration for that. I've got a good idea, I just need to find a way to really tie it to the class. Oh well...I'll figure it out.

I had a pretty good Easter break...spent 3 of the 4 evenings with Ryan. :D That's always fun...well, not always, seeing as we had one of our relationship talks again...how it works and why we're okay with it being so unusual and him reassuring me that it's okay that I'm not perfect and me crying and blah blah blah. But that was only one night, so we're good for a while. :) We watched "A Beautiful Mind" which I've never seen in its entirety before, and I absolutely LOVED it. John Nash reminds me of Ryan...I wonder if my boyfriend is schizophrenic...:S lol...


And then tonight for CU Dems we watched "Milk" and ate nachos from Q'doba, which were delish! And the movie was one of the best I've ever seen, honestly. I'm not gay, but it made me want to be a gay rights activist of the 70's! :D My parents were married in 1978, the year everything really happened for Harvey Milk (including his assassination). Odd to think about my parents being the age of a lot of those activists.


I'm starting this new optimism thing, just to try it out. I'll let you know how it works. ;)

I think I like today...

Hey, so it's been awhile...a little more than a week, and I feel like it's been months. Maybe it's just me...I've been going through so many emotions and events lately that it feels like I haven't blogged in years. But I'm here and in a good mood now, so it's okay.

I've finally started listening to my music again...it's weird, but as much as music helps me (it's like therapy, which btw is also helping), I haven't wanted to listen to it in the past few weeks. I'm not sure why. I guess I just didn't want to feel relieved or happy. Idk. But I've been listening again for the past three days straight, and I'm glad. I like to turn my iPod or iTunes to the "Alternative & Punk" genre, which contains most of my favorite bands, and just shuffle all 264 songs on it. It includes: The All-American Rejects, Sum 41, 3 Doors Down, Blink-182, Box Car Racer, Better Than Ezra (only one album), Angels and Airwaves, Hawthorne Heights, Linkin Park (one album), Lifehouse (their first album), Switchfoot (one album), Simple Plan, Third Eye Blind, +44, and Matchbox 20. I love that genre. It's like a never-ending playlist of some of my favorite songs. Today my song is Angels and Airwaves' "Good Day."
I think I like today...I think it's good...it's something I can't get my head around.
It's been a good day, too. I think that's why I've been wanting to listen to that today. The weather is gorgeous (finally, after snowing on Sunday), I know I did well on my Philosophy test, I didn't have Chem Lab today, and Easter break starts tomorrow (so I get to go home - yay Jesuit colleges!). So it's definitely a good day.

Just so you know, I'm probably not going to ever forgive you. It doesn't seem like you really care whether I do or not (you don't act like it), and I know I told you I was willing to forgive and forget, but that's not true anymore. You hurt me deeply, and now I've found out that you have lied to me about a lot of different things, so I'm not sure I can trust anything you've ever said to me. I just want you to know that.

For Caitlin...

I found out earlier today that Caitlin, my 12-year-old cousin (twin sister to Meghan - they live out in Baltimore), either was or is going through emotions similar to mine. I can't believe it...she's twelve! Twelve. Seriously? I didn't know 12-year-olds could be depressed, let alone nearly suicidal. She's the one on the far left...this picture's from my dance recital last year, and we danced to Thriller. Thus the strange outfit. But anyway.

My aunt found some of my uncle's pills and a note in her room...I can't believe it. Caitlin said it was from a few months ago and that she's over it, but I'm not sure I believe that. She's gone to a couple counseling sessions, I guess...I wish I could talk to her about it, but I can't. She would hate her mother for telling my mom, and my mom for telling me, and me for asking about it.

I just wish...I wish that we could talk about it and make an agreement. I feel like if we allied it would help both of us. I guess that talk will just have to wait a while.

New start?

I found amazing girls to live with, and I can't wait for next year. In the meantime, though, I have to deal with the here and now, and I don't really know how to do it.

I'm going to the counseling center on campus after Honors tomorrow...please don't tell.

What?

I can deal with not having you as a roommate, but I can't deal with not having you as a friend. I need to talk to you. Please.
I don't understand why I'm the one getting punished, and I don't want to be the new "her." Please, Sarah.

You'll probably never read this, but I need to say it.

Dear you (you know who you are, and if you don't know whether that means you or not, it doesn't),

I can't believe you did this to me. I don't want to hear your defenses right now; I just want to tell you what I feel.

I feel hurt, mostly. Hurt that you would not give me a chance to defend myself before just springing this on me. Hurt that you don't believe me when I try. Hurt that you won't rethink your decision at all.

I feel angry. Angry at myself for getting into this. Angry at you for doubting me. Angry at you for doing this to me when I didn't do anything except try to help YOU. Angry at you for pulling this days before the deadline and not giving me a chance to find someone else.

I feel betrayed. Betrayed because I was doing that for you and you alone. I listened to you, I listened to her, and I TOLD YOU I agreed with you. I told you that! And yet you still are leaving me out in the cold. All I wanted to do was help. I didn't hide anything from you, I put all my cards out on the table, and you didn't say ANYTHING. You never asked me to stop being nice to her, even though that's apparently what you wanted. Oh, and if that's what you wanted, I'm sorry but that is SO mean, and immature, and terrible. So I feel betrayed that when I'm the one trying to help, I'm the one who gets hurt.

I feel like this isn't the real reason. I think that over the past few weeks, you've been searching, finding things about me that you can't live with. Since I have told you everything, I think that's the reason you can't get over it. It's not that you don't trust me - it's that you're using it as an excuse. I don't care what you say, that's what I think it has to be. Because I've explained everything, that part of it should just disappear, but it's not. So there has to be something else.

I want you to feel my pain. I want you to know that it's going to take me a very, very long time to get over this and trust you again. I want you to realize that even though you say you know how much I am hurting, you have NO idea how much it really is.

And I want you to know about the feelings you brought back into my life that I never thought I'd feel again. Only 3 people know this (at least that's all I've told), but 3-4 years ago, I thought constantly about killing myself. I hated my life so much that I just wanted to die. It faded later into not thinking about killing myself, but instead praying that I would die in a freak accident or something. I was completely fine with dying, just to escape my life. I never tried, and thankfully those thoughts faded (or so I thought). I thought I was done thinking them, that they would never return.

But this weekend's events actually brought them back. I think it would just make everything easier if I no longer existed. You could still live with them, you wouldn't have to live with me. Everything would be better for you. I'm not going to act on them, but as much as I try, I can't shake them.

You have caused me to lose all my trust in anyone. I trusted you completely, and this is what you do to me. You try to protect yourself from what you fear most about your friendships, and it doing that you hurt me with what I fear about them: not being good enough. So that's what you've done to me. I hope you're happy next year.

I'm going to try not letting this break our friendship, but it's going to be cracked, no matter what. It's kind of like glass...the whole window hasn't been shattered, but a corner's been broken off and can never be reattached seamlessly. I still love you like a sister, but this wound's going to take some time to heal.



Avoiding me isn't going to help us become friends again. Don't act like you're not - I know you are. But you can't fix a problem by ignoring it. That's why I think you're making the wrong decision. And I need you more than ever right now.

I don't...

I just don't understand. I have no idea how this happened. I just don't get it. Today was such a good day, and now...I don't even know what to say.

I don't even know how I feel right now. I can't say anything because I don't know what I WOULD say. I'm just hurt, and upset, and a little bit angry (but more hurt), and I don't know what to do. I don't know.

I just don't know.

A Distant Day

I'm dreaming
of a day when people
will accept people as people.
Nothing more,
nothing less.

I'm dreaming
of a day when we
will change collectively.
For the better,
not the worse.

I'm dreaming
of a day when you
will see yourself as beautiful.
Unique and lovely,
not weird and ugly.

I'm dreaming
of a day when I'll be able
to feel that way about myself.
Not perfect,
but content.

Ups and Downs

Okay, so today has had some major ups and downs.

Downs:
1) It was the first day back to classes after spring break.
2) I had to stay inside my classes and watch other people out and about enjoying the AMAZING weather we're having in Omaha right now.
3) I really wish it was summer.
4) I had to dissect a rat.

Ups:
1) I got a 90 on my last Chem test, which is a good improvement from the previous one!
2) I got a 97 on my Philosophy paper for one of the toughest teachers on campus!
3) It is wonderfully, gloriously, enlighteningly gorgeous outside today, and will be tomorrow!
4) I worked out and enjoyed it!
5) I love my friends!
6) We're making smoothies tonight!
7) I am inspired once again!

So the ups definitely outweigh the downs, which kind of makes my day. :) Therefore, I have had a great day today. Hope y'all did too!

I don't know what else to do, so I'll blog!

I'm so bored right now. Soooooo bored. Ryan's asleep, so I can't text him, Facebook is boring me, no emails are coming in...even my Twitter hasn't changed in 4 hours! Insanity, I tell you. The most boring insanity you've ever come across.

I wrote a lot today...I finished my Philosophy paper that's due Monday (wow, I can't believe spring break is almost over), and then I wrote another page or so for my novel. I still have no idea what I'm going to call it...maybe I'll do like Sir Thomas Malory and have my publisher title it in incorrect French once I finish it.
------------------------------------>
Like so. Lol.

But yeah, that's what I did today. OH! Plus I went shopping for summer clothes with my mama. That's always fun. :) Got some great stuff: 2 pairs of denim shorts, some tank tops, a SWEET 80's-flashback top, and a few other shirts. I enjoy shopping. :D

Right. So...I think I'll try to write a little more...and maybe read some more Tristan & Iseult. I like that book. It reads quite easily, and is much better than the movie. :)

Lovez!

Holy crapoli...

Oh my God...I can't believe this. I just can't get over it...do you know what this could mean for me? HOLY CRAP!

To explain why I'm freaking: a soon-to-be-published author is reading my novel blog!!!! OMG. WHAT? HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?! I have been blessed by the writing gods. I mean, that's actually part of the reason I started the blog, hoping that someone with connections would eventually stumble upon it. But I honestly never thought that would really happen. I don't know how to feel about this...I mean, I'm unbelievably psyched about this opportunity to connect with someone in the writing world, but it makes me nervous. I don't want to disappoint...

And the thing that sucks about it is the fact that I'm kinda stuck with it...I'm not sure how to keep the story going. What I started writing made it go too quickly, and that was the problem with the novel I attempted writing last summer. So that's why I haven't posted on there in a while. Well that and the outrageous amount of homework that comes with college...but you know, I was doing pretty well there for a while. I just need some inspiration.

So I'm on spring break, and SO GLAD. I've been able to spend a little more time with Ryan... :)
which I am definitely enjoying. We went bowling on Saturday and played some pool at the alley - haha we both suck at pool! And I suck at bowling (he's really good at it), but I really enjoy it. The only bad part of it, though, is that I kind of injured my quad/hip again. :( It has been killing me since then, but I went back to the chiropractor again and got my hip popped back in. So it's been better today. He also fixed my neck, which has been hurting a lot lately. Dr. Brainard said it's from looking down so much...stupid homework! Haha.

So yeah, I've gotten to see Ryan twice since I got home on Friday. I can't be with him too much since he doesn't have spring break...silly high school. Plus, he works quite a bit in the evenings. But I'll take what I can get. :) I always enjoy spending time with him, even if we just eat fast food and rent a movie. It's always a good time. Plus his mom Angiee is really cool and I get to see her too! And I got to see his grandma the other evening because she came over to his house. I like her too. :) Haha I kinda feel like part of their family, even after only 10 months (on St. Patrick's Day!).

So...that's what's going on with me. How about you?

Oh wow...I think I actually just got a little bit of inspiration...
Lovez!

WTF????????

I have had such a TERRIBLE day today. I hated it violently...though not as violently as Michelle last night. :P But still. I'm starting to realize that I only enjoy Tuesdays and Thursdays...know why? Because I have my Lit classes those days, and Chem, Bio, and Philosophy on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays! I hate all my MWF's and I love all my TR's. I've figured it out! I LOVE LITERATURE!!! Honors and World Lit make school worth going to. But it sucks that I only have those classes two days a week. Grrr.

So yeah. It was a sucky day.

Sigh...I don't have a title for this one.

I apologize heartily for the lack of blogging these last two weeks...life has taken over my life. I've lost inspiration, lost motivation, lost...idk. I'm just lost right now.
I'm waiting for Friday, when I can go home and just BE for a week...probably all I'll be doing is homework, but I'm okay with that. I'm tired of going to classes right now...I just want the academic year to be over. I'm still enjoying it, mind you. I'm just at that point in the semester where I can't believe it's only halfway done and I still have a quarter of my freshman year left. And then I think, "Wow, I only have a quarter of my freshman year left???" I'm in-between, not sure, and relatively apathetic right now.

My grandma died a year ago today. I miss her so much that I can't bear it sometimes. I was really close to her, and I miss hearing her voice over the phone, and her hugs, and everything else about her...I can't be angry though. She was suffering a lot in the last few years of her life, and now she's back with my grandpa, the love of her life. I know they're okay...I had a dream the night of her funeral, and all I remember from that dream was seeing her and knowing it was her coming to say goodbye. It was strangely sad and comforting at the same time.

Then in August, I had another dream...this time it was both of my grandparents. My grandpa died ten years and one month before my grandma (February 1, 1998), and she was a wreck without him. But in this dream, I was back at their old house, and they came outside to greet me. I hugged my grandpa for the first time in ten years, and I told him, "Grandpa, I'm a college freshman!" He was so proud of me...he didn't say anything, but his smile was so huge...my mom was the first in her family to go to college, and he was so happy that I was following in her footsteps.

So that's how I know they're okay. I don't care what other people think. I don't care if dreams don't count as knowledge, or that it's just a trick of my mind. Don't bother telling me that. I have faith...and sometimes, those dreams are the only things that help me to keep that faith.




I miss my grandma so much...

I Love Isaac Slade.

Honestly. I told him so. Two years ago, after the second concert I saw The Fray in at Sokol Auditorium in Omaha. He heard me, turned, smiled, and waved. :D
I remember this, because I have been listening to this wonderful, amazing, fanTASTic band's new self-titled album all weekend. My lovely madre ordered it for me last Sunday when we couldn't find it in stores, and it came on...Thursday? Friday? One of those. So I've been listening to it pretty much non-stop. There is not one song on the cd that I don't like.
The Fray is still my favorite band, most definitely. I LOOOOOOOVE them. I started to lose them last year...I got tired of How to Save a Life because I listened to it too much, and that depressed me. I've been needing this album. But now it's all good...I don't know that I could get tired of it. Yay!
So yeah...just thought I'd blog about Isaac, Joe, Dave, and Ben, since I'm listening to it right now and I felt like I needed to blog about something. So yeah. :D


Oh and btw...I'm totally dyslexic. I cannot type lately. I push the correct keys, but hardly ever in the right order!

Basketball High

So I haven't posted for a few days, but that is mainly due to the fact that nothing really happened. Basically all I've been doing all week is homework...although I did apply for Summer Preview and Welcome Week today. To tell the truth, I'd rather be a part of SP because I didn't really enjoy WW as much as I did SP. But I still hope to get both! :) Interviews Saturday, 11:45 and 12:15. Wish me luck!
Hey...Saturday is Valentine's Day! It's the first one I've gotten to spend with a "significant other"...mostly because I haven't had an actual significant other before...close, but not really. But that's a different story. This year, and hopefully many more, I will be spending it with Ryan. :D <3 style="font-style: italic;">Faust), and I realize more and more each class that I am completely of the romantic persuasion. But I don't really think that's a bad thing. I like it.

Hokay, so there's my post for another couple of days...later! Lovez. :)

Pensive Much?

So right about now is the time of evening where I begin feeling empty, like I don't feel anything at all...numb and just plain out of it. I try to do different things that I KNOW need to be done, but I just can't focus on them. I just don't care. And I hate it. I hate feeling this way...but I don't know how to prevent it. If I'm just sitting and doing homework, I just can't. But then if I'm actually doing something, like if I have a meeting or go work out or something, I'm fine. I think maybe it's the lack of personas dentro de mi. Idk. So I just sit and think about all the stuff I should be doing, like reading Faust or Le Morte D'Arthur, but don't want to do. So yeah.


Bee tee dubs, here are some pics of the newest addition to my family, Dylan Wayne Davis. He's my cousin's son, born January 31st. :D

Home home home

I'm home for the weekend. :D :D :D
I love being at home for just the weekend. It's nice to get away for a couple days, not be stuck on campus, be able to go anywhere I want...very nice. But honestly, I know if I was still living here, I would probably die (or at least want to, like last summer).
Last summer was interesting. It had some major ups and downs, like my entire senior year did. It started with Ryan...the best thing that's ever happening to me. :) We went on our first date the evening before I graduated, even though we didn't really know it at the time...we were "just hanging out." But now we celebrate May 17th as our anniversary, because we decided that it was our first date. :D We went to Village Inn, and the carnival was in the mall parking lot next to the restaurant. I had gone to 14 graduation parties that day (yes, fourteen!), so I was full of dry sheet cake, finger sandwiches, and chips. So all I got was a Diet Coke, and Ryan got pancakes and a Sprite. I ate two or three bites of the pancakes. :) I like remembering that day...

And one month later (and a day), I went to my diabetes camp as a counselor for the first time. I missed getting to go my senior year because the senile old guy in charge of it had something against my mom...but I got over that, and I was a counselor this year. It was definitely one of the best experiences of my life. Roxy was my co-counselor, and we had the 7th grade girls, who were actually way way way way WAY better than I thought...normally I can't stand middle schoolers. That was major fun, and I was quite sad when it ended on the 28th.

I spent a lot of time with Ryan last summer, and I think it may have bothered my parents a bit. Not because of him, but because it meant I wasn't spending as much time with them. It was my last summer before college, and it seemed like I was hardly ever home. So we fought like I was in 8th grade again, all the time about stupid stuff. I regret that...but it's not all my fault. I needed independence, and I wasn't getting much of it. Sometimes my mom still treats me like I'm a freshman in high school, not college, and it gets to be REALLY frustrating. But I'm trying to be a lot more patient with people, because I tend to have trouble with that.

So anyway, I'm just enjoying my weekend at home. I went to the high school basketball games against Norfolk (yep, Megan's Norfolk!) tonight with my mom...both JV teams won, and so did the girls varsity. The guys sadly lost by one point. :( But it was really fun, and I got to hang with Madi again and see my girls win! :D I miss basketball...I just played for the first time since summer the other day, and it was fantastic! And tomorrow Ryan's taking me skating at the roller rink where he works...we haven't gone skating yet! I'm quite excited. :) So yeah...wow, that was a lot longer than I expected it to be...and I used way too many faces. :P hahahahaha...I love home.

Twitter, Anyone?

Hey guys! So I have Twitter now...alijo1318. Please add me! :D Kthanx.

And I really can't wait to go home this weekend. It's been the longest period of time since I've known (and I met him in August 2007) Ryan that I have gone without seeing him (and Skype doesn't count as "seeing")...and that's a long time. The last time I saw him in person was...hmm....January 12th. That is far too long for me. Far, far too long. So I'm majorly psyched for the weekend. :D

Tell Me...

My heart bursts
daily with love for you,
so much that I can feel it
swelling inside me,
yearning to escape, and
be yours forever.
But is it the same with you?
I fear the opposite,
that you grow weary of me,
that I love too much,
and you not enough.
Tell me I'm wrong.
Tell me I'm yours.
Tell me I'm more than you ever hoped for,
like you used to do.

Tolerance Is a Wonderful Thing

I can't stand it anymore...the intolerance on this floor is INSANE. Insane in the membrane, as Michelle said earlier this morning. I CANNOT STAND IT. lflsjfosowfvhfldskcldsknjvihvfesvf. damn it.
I hate people who "know" they're right about everything, because usually they're not.
I hate people who can't accept a small difference in another person.
I hate people who think that being different is being weird.
I HATE people who think there's a problem with someone being gay.
So one of your friends from high school has a subscription to some magazine...so you figured out he's gay...don't sit there surrounded by people who have views that are radically different from yours and wait for them to be...idk, upset or something.
You: "Yeah, he's gay."
Another person: "...Not that there's anything wrong with that."
You: "Woah...yes, there is." FUCKING ASSHOLE.
I actually kind of hope you're reading this, just so you know what an ignorant JERK you are. What are you so afraid of, anyway? I have some great friends who are gay. What makes them worth less than you, O Hallowed One? In case you haven't heard, there's this kinda famous document that says "all men (and women really) are created equal."

Funny how everything connects, isn't it? In my World Lit class right now, we're reading Candide, to which the Declaration of Independence is directly related. Look at the last line of the main paragraph: "To prove this, let Facts be submitted to the CANDID world." That's a direct tribute to Monsieur Voltaire, thank you very much.

And to someone else: DON'T EVEN go around saying how teacher's unions are worthless and pointless and how you don't see why you should have to pay dues to belong to something so pointless. ASSHOLE. My mom works for the Nebraska State Education Association. It's her job, and you don't even have any idea how many teachers have to get help from her because students are DUMB and try to get their teachers in trouble. GET OVER YOURSELF. You don't know anything.

Okay, there's my rant and rave. Thanks for reading.

Oh, Beowulf...You Slay Me

So I should be reading Beowulf right now...but I am not. Haha...
And I should be reading Candide right now too...but I am not. Haha...
I should also be studying Chemistry right now too...but again...I am not. HAHAHA...
Instead, I am sitting in Shannon's room, listening to great music and typing here, contemplating life and why I bother with it. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, why I try so hard. I just want to be a normal person...but then I realize that I don't know what normal is.
I honestly think that there is no such thing as a "normal" person. Every one of us is strange in some way. So why do I have to try to be normal? Can't I just be me without being judged? WHO CARES? Besides, it's not people who are judging me in the end.


It's the one who made me this way.

Life in general? No, just today.

Wow...amazing how a few days can feel like a few weeks. It seems like forever since I've posted! I've been working quite a bit lately on developing my storyline, but it doesn't really seem to be developing. I know it's going to take quite a bit more time...it's just frustrating that I myself don't even know exactly where the story is going. But it will work itself out eventually.

Other than that, I have been socializing and not doing homework all weekend. I saved my Philosophy reading until last night to do, but it wasn't even too bad. Actually, I sort of enjoyed reading it. Plato's dialogues tend to be entertaining. I even read ahead! But that was all the homework I did for the weekend. We had a visitor by the name of Rosey, who I must admit was pretty dang awesome. I did the chauffeuring for Shannon and her lovely cousin, and very much enjoyed hanging out with them. Salvation Army is a wonderful store, even though I didn't find any nifty retro clothing. But I did get a fantastic heart-shaped pan for 99 cents, in which I shall make Ryan some brownies for V-day! And then we watched a few movies, including Borat, Ocean's Eleven, and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2. Great times.






I feel like thinking a bunch about life, but I don't know where to begin.

It Has Begun!

Alrighty then...I've started a new blog dedicated strictly to my novel. It's here. Please follow it and invite anyone else you know to follow it too!

So I'm actually going to do it this time...

In the past year and a half or so, I have come to realize that my dream is to become a writer. It's my ultimate goal to eventually publish a book, whether it be a novel or collection of poetry or anything else. Writing is my passion, and I've decided I want to do that.
I started writing a novel last year about what I wished my life could have been...and it was terrible. Absolutely horrific. I had no idea where it was going, so I stopped writing it. It was like it wasn't me writing after a while; the inspiration somehow escaped from me. So no, you will never see that story ever show up anywhere...honestly it's such a boring and predictable teen-love story that you wouldn't want to read it anyway.
Instead, I've been inspired anew. In the past couple weeks, I've been thinking about it a lot, trying to develop it more in my head. So I'm going to start working on it soon here...first I'll work on it a little bit at a time just on Word, but I think what I'm going to do is either start posting it on here or create a new blog which YOU SHOULD FOLLOW!!!! Please. So yeah...let me know what you think...good night!

Change Can Be Good Sometimes...

So I've been thinking lately...maybe change is one of the best things for us. Right now, everything feels like it's changing. New president today (woot woot for Obama!), new classes, new music preferences, new friends randomly turning their backs, completely new friends even (woot woot for Katie!). And right now, it all feels like that's how it should be. College is a time for growth, maturity, and CHANGE. And that's what I'm doing. I love the way my life has become, everything in it making me who I am supposed to be. Honestly, I don't really know who that person is, but I'm getting there and growing to love her, which is a difficult thing to do.


I used to think that all change was bad for us, bad for our souls...but not anymore. Even with breakups (no, don't worry, that doesn't have to do with me and Ryan), I really think that they're usually best for the person who got hurt the most. They find themselves in them, and they realize that the person who hurt them obviously wasn't the one they were destined to love forever. Be a cynic if you want, say that I'm wrong and that a lot of the time people who were destined for each other break up and regret it forever. But that's not how I feel, and you're not going to ruin my lovely optimism. :)

What Do I Do?

Okay, time for a new poem. This one applies to two of my best friends...you probably know who you are...so I wrote this for you. It was a while ago, but it's still true.

What do you do
when you have no idea what's supposed to be done?
What do you say
when you have no clue what's supposed to be said?
How do you comfort someone,
one of your best friends in the world,
when you don't know where to begin?
Nothing's going to cut it.
Everything you say is going to roll off her back,
and it won't make a difference.
Because you know that if you were in her shoes,
there would be nothing to make you feel better
except the one who made you feel this way in the first place.

Oh, tearfests...how I loathe thee.

Hokay so...(End of Ze World reference, for you You-Tubers)
I hate crying. I know, I do it all the time, but I hate it. It makes me hungry, tired (and paradoxically keeps me awake at night), and red-wrinkly-faced. Yuck.
So I was crying a lot yesterday afternoon. I don't start classes til tomorrow, and Ryan had the day off school, so we were hanging out after I got off work at lunchtime. We were having a pretty good time, until mid-afternoon or so. He told me I was never allowed to complain about having my period to him. Or use it as an excuse to be angry. I'm sorry, but it's a valid excuse. If you're a guy, you wouldn't know that. If you're a girl, you would. I feel like being a bitch then, and there's nothing you can do to stop me. So get over it, please, male world. Plus, I don't want to be controlled like that. I will not.
After that, one thing led to another. We were both halfway-joking, but really we were both getting upset. So then...I don't even know what happened. But I started crying. Of course. And he got upset about the fact that I was crying, but I can't help it! I do that!
And then I really don't remember what all we even discussed. Me not liking to talk because I'm not good at the whole verbal thing, me being too serious, him being too carefree, him being male and not understanding why I get upset about things. I say "discussed" because that's what we did. We didn't argue, we discussed. But it ended with many tears shed on my part, and finally a few clutching hugs and me saying that was all I needed the whole time. That's all I ever need. A hug and reassurance that it's okay that I'm not perfect. I want everything to be perfect; I want him to be happy because I'm perfect for him, which will in turn make me happy. Sometimes I forget that that's not possible. All I need is to be reminded by the warmth and strength of his arms around me.
There...that's why I cried, and why I was up til something like 1 in the morning because I couldn't fall asleep due to my swollen, tired eyes.




I hate crying.

School-home

So I'm home...school-home, that is. Funny how this feels like home to me after a few months. Funny how we call the place where we grew up home, even though we don't live there anymore. Funny how it seems as though we have two homes, and miss each as much as the other when we're away from it.
I'm glad to be back. I love this place...the way I can see the rest of the city perfectly from my window, sparkling at night and shining in the afternoon sun, the cars never ending on the freeway below me, even those times when I should be in bed but just can't sleep. It feels right living here. Like I was meant to be here, meant to know these people I love. Like I was destined to find myself here.
Thank you, Omaha, for being you.

I'll tell you later about the tear-filled afternoon I had yesterday.

The Curious Case of Ali G.

Hahaha...I just went to see "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" for the second time. I first saw it out in Baltimore with my padres, my aunt, and my almost-12-year-old twin cousins over Christmas. I cried a TON when I saw it then, and I cried about as much when I saw it again tonight with my boyfriend, Ryan. It's such a wonderful movie. :)
So why did I cry so much? Well, I'm a chronic crier, as most of the people who know me are aware. I cry all the time. When I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm angry, when I'm stressed, when I'm overwhelmed, when I'm frustrated, when I'm remembering, when I'm anything. I cry a lot. But this movie made me cry mostly because it made me think of my grandma, who passed away on the second day of March 2008. She spent the last few months of her life in the hospital and nursing home, and although I got the chance to say goodbye to her, it was extremely tough on me. I was really close to her, and I talked to her on the phone at least once or twice a month. I miss hearing her voice...
Besides the old woman in the hospital part, the movie reminded me of my grandma because of the hummingbirds. One of the things I'll always remember about her was her beloved hummingbirds. She had a feeder hanging outside her front window filled with red sugar-water, and there were always hummingbirds there in the spring and summer. I miss my grandma...

My favorite line from the movie: "It's a funny thing about coming home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You realize what's changed is you." GREAT line. Love it. So true. I don't know what it is...it's just different, home is. Like it's not really home. It's not my only home anymore. I have another one (and another family) at school. And I don't know...something about my actual home is just not the same. And I guess it's me.


I went to see this wonderfully sad movie with my wonderfully fantastic boyfriend. We've been dating since last May, and I love him with all my heart. We're a delightfully awkward couple: me a bit taller than him, him with hair a foot longer than mine, and general social awkwardness on both our parts. Plus, we're both major nerds. I like us. :) Sometimes we can be really different (I happen to be MUCH more social than he is, and we have some different views on things that may or may not be important in life), and it can get frustrating. But I will never stop loving him. Promise.

Okay, so I'm really tired and have to get up at 7 tomorrow to work for one last morning...ugh. I go back Tuesday, and we start second semester Wednesday...fun fun. Only half of my freshman year left.

Loves! Ali G.

Explanation of Ignorance Was Bliss

Hokay, well I wrote that in November one day while sitting in my room at Creighton. (I go there, just so you know.) I should have been doing my homework, but I get easily distracted by the glaring sun that shines right into my eyes at around 3:30 in the afternoon. I tend to get depressed really easily around then, too...idk why. But that's the mood I was in that afternoon, so I wrote this.

I believe interpretation of poetry is a bit useless. Each reader sees it differently, so the only point of interpreting it (like in classes) is to see what other people think about it. There is no "correct" interpretation...I think everyone finds a way to connect it to themselves, so obviously that connection is going to vary from person to person. It's like snowflakes: no 2 connections are the same. For me, it was about coming to college. I felt removed from the rest of the world, like I was in some kind of time warp and nothing else in the world was really happening. I don't even have a tv in my room, so i can't watch the news or anything. I don't know that I would even want to watch the news, but still. So nothing seemed real to me. Then 2 of my close friends, Eric and Michelle, were forced to deal with some serious things that happened to people who were really close to them. That's where the second half of the poem comes in...dealing with the crap that makes life suck, but finding your way back to the real world through it. So yeah. I'd love to know what anyone else thinks. Thanks...
Ali G.

Ignorance Was Bliss

So. My first poem on here. My favorite, I think...

Lose yourself in the structure.
The real world is gone,
Separate from your microcosm.
Fall into the cycle
Day by day, week by week.
Time flies and drags paradoxically.
All's monotony.
Until the real world hits you
Like the proverbial brick wall.
Then nothing's the same.
Pull yourself from the wreckage,
Try to keep from suffocating
Under the blanket pulled over your eyes.
Fight to survive.
Broken, but alive.

Umm...

Hey! So yeah...I'm new at this...but I feel like I have a lot to say, and I thought this would be a great way to say it. It may not be really important at times, but I still need to say it. So bear with me, and thanks for reading. I'll put some of my poetry on here later.