Sick and tired of being sick and tired

(credit to Bill for the e-card)

My friend (a fellow diabadass and one of my closest friends) and I were talking one day, and we came to a realization…having diabetes messes you up.

A lot of diabetics (myself included) have had emotional/mental health issues in their lives. I personally have struggled with an obsession with perfection. One friend had an eating disorder. Another dropped out of high school. When you stop to think about it, having diabetes has a huge impact on your life.

I don’t know if it’s chemical - it could be, but I’m not so sure that it’s true. I think it’s more about having to fight to survive, relying on insulin to stay alive each and every day, being forced to live a stressful life full of needles and numbers. It’s the stares when you’re out in public, it’s the questions that you say you don’t mind answering, it’s especially the people who say, “I admire you. I don’t think I could do what you do,” because when it comes down to it, you either do it or you die. So you do it. You don’t think you can, but you have to.

Diabetes creates this anger deep down in you. There’s a feeling that you weren’t supposed to make it, that the fact that you’re alive when one of your very vital organs doesn’t work at all isn’t right. That you have to live like this forever (or at least until an adequate cure is found). That your disease is influencing your life enough that you’re making a career out of it. That people think they understand when they really don’t. That people would do anything for you not to suffer - your dad would give you his pancreas if he could, your mom would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

So yeah, in a way, diabetes messes you up.

Next time I'll be braver - I'll be my own savior

Thoughts for the day/week:

• Adele. Damn.
• Third wheel hangouts that don't bother me
• Follows/unfollows shouldn't excite/bother me so much.
• Motivation to study is difficult to find when tests are a week away.
• Cold rain on warm skin
• Ten days without a debit card and only $60 cash
• Soon everyone will be leaving for the summer
• Including friends with whom I'm not close enough yet
• There's still so much for us to talk about
• Ridiculously busy schedule for the next 3 weeks
• Counseling this week, both continuing for me and starting for a dear friend
• The even stronger connection made because of it
• Making friendship bracelets
• Date for the wedding?
• Need to ask soon!
• Shadows
• a.k.a. WOW some of my friends are really talented
• Sick of degrading crap on Twitter from anonymous people here at school
• Thankful for people who take notice
• And who know what I need, rather than assuming they can just fix it.

I must become the lion-hearted girl

It's time to organize my life.

I've got five tests left of my first year of pharmacy school. Four of them are in two weeks (one Monday, two Tuesday, one Wednesday), and one is the next Wednesday. Until then, I have time to study a couple hours every day and really get prepared for them - I need to prepare for them. My grades have not been so hot this semester, and I definitely know the reasons why. Now that we're at the end of the year, it's time to take care of those reasons and do as well as I can. It all started today with my first 100% on a test this year! Too bad the class is pass/fail...

Outside of classes, there are things I need to take care of in my personal life as well. I'm more content with my life right now than I have been in a long time, which is really great. I have more and more days where I can tell myself I'm worth it, that I look nice, that I am someone to love. I told Scott last night that for once, I feel like I can do it. What it is I can do, I'm not quite sure...but I can do it. I'll figure it out. I'm still scared. I'm confused, and I'm lost, and I'm afraid. But that's not taking over my life right now.

Fear is necessary sometimes, and it tells us that we're doing something big, something that matters. It could be dealing with a part of your life you've never acknowledged before, or realizing that these people you love won't be here with you forever (or you won't be here with them forever), or deciding between living across the world for a while and staying with the people you need in your life. Whatever the source of our fear, the fact that it exists tells us that life is about to change, no matter what happens. Something's going to be different, and we've got to deal with it.

But we're not alone. We're never alone.

I'm gonna keep this secret

This post's title inspired by the latest webcast posted on Everyone is Gay. :)

But really, though, I've been thinking about secrets a lot lately. I know some, and I have some of my own...and they're just kind of hard to deal with sometimes.

It's really difficult when you want to tell someone all of your secrets, but either (a) you know you can't because you promised you wouldn't tell people, or (b) your brain tells you that you shouldn't tell that person, for some reason.

I generally try to be a relatively translucent person when it comes to my thoughts. You know when I'm happy, stressed, angry, sad, hopeful...but sometimes, especially when I'm scared, I feel like I have to keep it in.





And right now...I'm scared, guys.

Happiness is just outside my window

I'm thankful daily for the people in my life. Today, it's especially Elane, Steph, Patrick, and Andrew.

I'll explain why later. Much later, when I don't have a test tomorrow, lab the next day, 5 hours of class the next day, 10 hours of class the day after that, and 2 tests next week. So basically, I won't be saying much for a week.

Sorry. :(

(not) Waiting for my prince to come

This weekend, I went to Creighton's production of Into the Woods, which I surprisingly have never heard of before this year. I really enjoyed it, mainly because Tim was absolutely hilarious in it - he was Cinderella's prince, and bahahahaha...I was laughing so loud at him (and the cow, Milky White). Besides the hilarity, though, I liked the show because it made me realize something.

I don't want a Prince Charming.


I'm not saying that I don't want a man in my life.Y'all know me, and you know that's not true. But Tim had a line in the second act..."I was raised to be charming, not sincere." Then later, Cinderella had a line that was something to the effect of "his house was a nightmare and yours is a dream, but I want something in-between."

It was those two lines that really made me think. I don't want someone who's perfect. I want someone whose imperfections I can see, someone who doesn't hide them from me. Then I can be more comfortable in sharing my own. I want someone real, because that's the only way I would be able to find something real. Because in all actuality, isn't it the imperfections that make relationships beautiful? Without them, things would be boring, bland, and simple.

Easy doesn't mean right. Usually, easy actually means wrong - it's too easy to do what you want when what you need is really difficult. But we have to push through the difficult times, the imperfect times, to really appreciate the beauty in our lives. Without those hard times, how would we know who's really there for us? How would we know who really loves us for the people we are, rather than the people they think we are/want us to be?

I don't know who he is, I don't know where he is. But I know he's out there, my un-Prince Charming. He'll love me not because I'm perfect, but because my imperfections are parts of me. We'll grow together, accomplish things, love each other like no one ever loved us before.

Until then, I have friends who love me for exactly who I am. How do I know? I know because they stick with me through hard times. No, they do more than that. They carry me through hard times, push me to be me and no one else. They don't falter in times when I feel like I don't deserve them, they celebrate with me when I find things to love about myself. They demand that I tell them five things I love about myself, they supply endless hugs, they wake me up with texts. They tell me secrets, they tell me to "find perfection in the imperfections." So this one goes out to Scott, Eric, Bill, Steph, Patrick, Katie, Shannon, Katherine, Elane, Franky and others.

Also: I felt pretty last night. I was stressing about things to wear, right down to the jewelry, but I found an outfit that was just right. I didn't try too hard with my makeup and hair, and I felt pretty. No one had to tell me for me to feel it, which I think was the best part.