Patient. Fine. Balanced. Kind.

If only someone could speak of me the way she talks about you.

Here's the thing. As much as I would like to be able to be stoic, as much as I'd like to just sit back and have fun and not care about other people, as much as I wish I could escape the romantic in me, that part will always be there. I will always care too much. I will always put other people's needs before my own. I will always want a Jane Austen/John Green style love.

And it makes me wonder. How does it happen that those of us who want it so desperately are unable to achieve it? Or maybe it's that we want it so badly because we can't find it in our own lives. And so we go through our lives hoping each and every day that maybe, just maybe, that day is going to be the one when, by some strange miracle, we meet the person with whom we'll find it. Maybe it'll be the day that someone tells us they can't live without us, that every day is an adventure when they're with us, that they blush too easily when they look at us because they don't want to stare, that we are so incredibly beautiful  when we're asleep next to them, that they would do anything to make us happy.


Then we get to the point where we're convinced that no one ever will say those things to us. We think we're not worth the wasted breath. We're crazy for so many different reasons, and no one should care about us past the point of friendship because in the end they're only going to tire of us. They're going to get sick of supporting us through our emotional ups and downs, they'll be weary of saying "I love you" because we need to hear it every 10 seconds just to reaffirm it. We're not going to be enough to keep them interested.

Meanwhile our friends tell us that we just need to stop trying and it'll happen for us when we least expect it. And we'll scream inside our heads, "It's not that easy! You can't just turn hopeless romanticism off!" But we won't say it out loud, and we'll just spend our days waiting. We'll pretend we don't look for our person everywhere we go, that we don't hope someone's vague, angsty Tumblr posts are about us.





I need someone who will be my Augustus Waters, and I will be their Hazel Grace. I want to be the Alaska to someone's Pudge, and I want to equally be the Pudge to that person's Alaska. The drizzle and the hurricane, both of us. Maybe you have no idea what that means yet, but you will, and it's important. I want it so, so badly. I will be patient, as much as I can possibly be. Because as much as I don't believe it, I still hope that my friends are right when they say it'll happen for me. I'll try to keep believing that I'm worth it, that someone will want to know every intimate detail about me. It's so hard to hold on to that. But I will wait for you.

Ricochet. Take your aim. Fire away, fire away.

I've been avoiding this.

I don't know how to explain everything that's happened in the last 3 months.

Most of you know already, so I guess I'm just going to skip over most of it.

Basically, I am not the same person I was just a few months ago. I have no idea where my life is headed. I don't even know what the next 3 months have in store for me. I have never been so emotionally stable in my life. I don't even have enough money in my checking account to pay rent this month (thankfully I do in my savings, though). I'm taking a year off from school - or at least I think that's the plan. I'm not currently registered for any classes. That could change. Who knows?

The strangest part of all this is that I am completely okay. I feel like things are just washing over me, like everything is actually going to work out in my favor at some point.

Like I said, emotionally stable.

Approximately a week and a half ago, I was actually able to flip a switch and completely turn off my feelings for someone for the first time ever. I've never understood how people go from intense attraction to "just friends" so easily, but I'm finding out how it is to have a normal range of emotions. I'm beginning to be more reasonable, to be able to isolate myself from a situation and know that things are not my fault.

It is the strangest feeling.

And even with the stability, I'm still able to express my emotions fully. I am sad when I should be, I am (usually) happy when I should be, I am angry when I should be. It's when I lose the control I have over those emotions that the depression starts creeping in, but that happens so much less now.

So, to wrap up this update, I'm starting a new job this week, trying to determine plans for a weekend trip to Minnesota, being artsy when I feel like it, working out consistently, figuring out my insulin pump, and allowing myself to feel attractive/recognize that people actually are attracted to me. I am starting to be the best me, and it feels so good.

P.S. - Looking over the past few weeks' Post Secrets, I just can't help but wonder if people have secrets that involve me and who/what they are. Secrets are so fascinating to me. I can't even decide what mine would be.

Who am I?

This was already in my journal. I'm thinking it's appropriate for tonight.


I am a girl who loves most people more than they deserve. I am driven by feelings and sometimes that overwhelms me. I am scared of most forms of pain, so it takes a lot of encouragement to put myself out there. At the same time, I love attention, so every once in a while I'll belt out a song or turn heads on the dance floor. As soon as I'm criticized, I never want to do that activity again - at least not in front of the critic. I am trying to stop refusing compliments, but that takes a lot of work. I am lost sometimes. Okay, maybe a lot of the time. I don't know where exactly my life is headed. But I have plenty of friends who love me for all that I am and who are more than happy to help me find my way back to reality when I need it. I have friends who understand my emotions and know how it feels when they don't make sense. I have friends who don't ever want me to change the core of who I am, even when I'm unable to see it.


So I guess that's me in a nutshell, and I'm okay with it. Nearly every other person in my life is okay with it too - more than okay with it, really.

It's all about attitude right now

Really.

I normally hate it when people say "choose your attitude" or something like that, mostly because when I'm in a depressive state I can't do that. It's not that simple. But right now, I'm seeing a lot of negativity on all my social networks - whether it's from my classmates about the pharmacology test coming up in 9.5 hours, or from my friends in a meeting I had to miss in order to study (so maybe it's a good thing I missed it? I dunno), or from myself dealing with certain people. I see it, and it's oddly irritating to me right now.

I don't need to hate people. I don't want to hate people, especially when there's not a specific reason other than that they aren't doing what I want them to. So maybe instead of focusing energy in a spiteful and negative direction, I'm feeling the will to channel it into my studies and really do well on this test. (still gonna hold a grudge, though. just not as venomous)

Oddly enough, I'm feeling better about learning and memorizing all these cancer drugs than I've felt about any other drug class we've studied in pharmacology. I've got about 1 and 1/4 lectures left to listen to, and then a couple powerpoints to go through. I can do that by 3:30 (about 2 hours from now). Unpopular opinion, with my classmates at least: I think the anti-cancer drugs are pretty cool. Yeah, there's a lot of them that we have to memorize and they all do different things, but the names give me hints as to how they work. I wish all drugs were like that...but alas, they are not. Anyway, I feel like I could do well on this test.

So like Elane and I talked about this afternoon, all I have to do is say "I AM going to do well. I AM going to get a good grade on this test." Good advice from Elane's mama right there. I'm going to stop saying I might, or I could, or maybe. I'm taking out the wishy-washiness of those statements. Either I'm not going to do well, or I am going to do well. It's up to me.

I'm going to stay focused. I'm going to do well on this test.

Maybe it's my finals-focus-mode coming in to play early. Maybe it's that I started working in an actual pharmacy and am already getting more comfortable with drugs. I don't know, but I hope it sticks around. I'm done whining about things being too hard, at least for tonight. Life is really busy right now, but it's been really busy before and it's going to be really busy again. I'll get through it. People sometimes don't do what I want. I'll get over it.

Tomorrow (okay, well technically today, whatever) is going to include a well-above-passing grade on the pharmacology test, 2 hours of paying attention in therapeutics, and a run. I've got about 2 weeks' worth of unused exercise energy all stored up, and I need to start using it. Hopefully duty won't be too bad (4/20, ugh dumb), and I'm going to buy some scrubs this weekend for work. I'm working 12 hours next week since we don't have any tests, it's our last week of lab and case studies for the semester, and I'm going to finally have the chance to hang out with some people I've been missing. Life is alright.

Well then. This was a lot longer than I expected it to be. If I'm going to get this studying done in the next 2 hours, I should get to it! Much love, my friends.

I can do better

Y'all.

Don't underestimate my ability to hold a grudge.

I'm a mess of emotions, yes. This is a well-known fact. But I think it helps me in responding to people in the way that they need when they need it. So if something great happens in your life I'm going to be happy for you, and when something sucks in your life I'm going to empathize, even when I don't really want to. But I've got enough of the red-headed stubbornness and temper to be able to hold a grudge for a long time.

I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it's neither. It keeps me from interacting too much with people that make me miserable...but at the same time I feel bad about it because I am a people-pleaser. So I dunno.

Usually people are able to make things up to me with a little effort. But not always.

This has been a post.

I feel alive

I went to a concert tonight. The band?

Fun.

It was so great. And I know, I should listen to The Format because it was Nate's original band and everyone says they're better. But there's just something about Fun. that I...I don't know, something that I just love so much.

They must be relatively crazy themselves, because some of those songs just perfectly describe me at my craziest.

UGH I CAN'T EVEN. I can't even talk about it because I don't know what to say!

The Gambler WILL be played at my wedding. It will.

Please pardon my fangirling. I don't even care how annoying it is tonight, because I am on such an emotional high from that concert.

I drowned out all my sense

...That's what you get when you let your heart win.


The next month is going to be tough, let me tell you that.


I can do this.


I can do this.


I can do this.


Easter break was full of weird happenings and life alterations and craziness (see my last post). But now that all of that has happened and I've had a couple episodes of dead-to-the-world thinking, I'm feeling more able to put things into perspective. I reminded myself of some good advice that Shannon sent my way last summer, originally from an awesome blog called The Frenemy. I even typed it out onto a sticky note on my computer desktop so that I could see it every day...and maybe made it my cover photo on Facebook...and maybe even wrote it out and hung it above my desk.

Now is the time when I start pulling my life together. In the last couple months, I lost a lot of sense. It's time to toughen up and stop avoiding things (again). It's time to stay tough, stay confident. Because life is weird and difficult and confusing and frustrating at times - hell, most of the time. But life is also pretty awesome, and living is worth the work. So it's going to be a really trying month or so until finals are over, but you know what?


I can do this.


I can do anything, riiiiight?


Right.

Pride and Prejudice, internet creepers, and duty calls - oh my!

It's been an interesting Easter break so far...

• Might've found an apartment
• Got a job (yayyy!)
• Friends' relationship highs and lows
• Cried my eyes out a couple times for something not worth it
• Gained and lost an internet creeper in one day
• More calls on the duty phone in the last couple days than I've had all year
• I don't even know.

Uuugh.

Life is so weird sometimes.

And I don't even need your love

I have my bad days, and I have my good days. Lately there have been more bad days than good ones. Today was a good one, all things considered.

Life is hard, you know?

I have things complicating my thoughts. I have to do my job, I have to find a new job, I have to find an apartment, I have certain people sitting in my mind and refusing to leave, I have diseases to manage, and I have school. Even if I didn't have the other things to do, I don't think I'd be able to completely tackle school.

And I am so unmotivated to do it...any of it. I want to leave. I want to get on a train and go where it takes me. I want to disappear for the weekend and see if anyone notices. I want to be good at something, the way some people are good at reading people or at creating poetry or at flirting. I am finding that I am mediocre at all these different things but not good at any of them in particular. I mean, I'm good at math and grammar but a) what are those going to do for me, and b) there are plenty of people who are so much better at them.

I've been stuck in a rut of complacency. I need to get out of here.

What's eating you alive might help you to survive

I've had "Me and Mia" by Ted Leo & the Pharmacists in my head all day, and that (^this post's title, up there^) is the line that's sticking out to me. That's how I usually pick my post titles, if you're new here.

**before we get started, I just wanted to complain about how much let you guys know that my face hurts really bad right now. I'm pretty positive that I have a sinus infection, which is just great considering how crappy I felt yesterday and the day before. Oh well, at least I'm already on an antibiotic. Back to the post now**

It's #wearTWLOHA day, so I want to reflect on that a little. I'm wearing mine (the turquoise shirt that Patrick got for me this summer while he was interning there!) because it reminds me that none of us is ever alone in our struggle to live. Maybe it's your own personal struggle. Maybe it's your friend's, your daughter's, your brother's. We all struggle with life sometimes - we'd be lying if we said we didn't.

For me, well...if you've looked at this blog ever, you know my story. I don't need to repeat it. I'm at a considerably better place in my life right now than I was 4 months ago, 2 years ago, or 7 years ago. I am happy to be alive. I am excited for the future. I can SEE my future (or at least parts of it), which is plenty more than I could say just a few months ago.

I can't say enough how my friends save my life. I'm reminded of that every day - Steph's eyes lighting up when she sees me, Pat listening to me cry and moan for hours, Scott giving me the most important advice I've ever received, Andrew's ability to understand everything about me, Shannon's way of feeling all these feelings I'm feeling, Claire letting me into her life right away, Katie crying with me, Rachel pointing out how happy I am when I talk about painting, Katherine's ability to cheer me up, Elane's drive to do good, and so many other people doing amazing things to keep me going. I hope you all know, even if I didn't mention you specifically, how important you and your friendship are to me. You are the ones I live for, and I do need you all so much.

But enough about me.

What's your story? Do you wear TWLOHA? Why? I want to know. It's the end of an important day for celebrating life, love, and support. You are not alone, even when you feel it the most - especially then. There will always be someone thinking of you, there will always be someone to answer the phone when you call, and there will always be love in your life. Don't forget it.

It's okay if no one believes like you

I think life lately has been telling me to watch this again. A friend showed it to me for the first time at least a year ago, but just in the last few weeks, it's been mentioned at least three times by different people. I took it as a sign that I've been needing to see it again.

How To Be Alone - Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places: the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, were you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there, where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway, so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging out with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously based on your "avoid being alone" principles.

The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by chow-downers, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they - like you - will be alone. Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner - a restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert, cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies, where it is dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community. And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor til the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because they're probably not. And if they are, assume it is with the best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.

Go to an unfamiliar city. Roam the streets - there are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Because if you're happy in your head, then solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique. No one has the same synapses, can't think like you - for this, be relieved. It keeps things interesting, life's magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that community's not present. Just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. Take silence and respect it. If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. If your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it. If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it. There is heat in freezing. Be a testament.

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it.


There's been a lot happening in my brain lately. I didn't even realize it until today. I've been having anxiety attacks that cause me to get so overwhelmed with emotion that I just need to lay in bed and sleep for a couple hours. I haven't had an appetite, I've been angry and feeling the need to punch things, and I've been hypersensitive (yes, even for me).

But you know what? I'm not going to let it get worse. I'm done with this. I know how to combat it, so now I just need to actually take those steps - go for a run when I'm angry, eat healthy food on a normal schedule, think before I react.

I'm going to do it, but I'm going to need help from you, my friends.

"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love. I'm still looking up."

The Uniform Project, Creighton-style

I've recently been realizing that I should wear skirts more often. I like them, they're cute, and they're a change from my typical jeans and v-neck daily uniform.

Well...now I'll be wearing the same dress for the next 7 days in a row.

Day 1 - purple tights, black flats, skinny black belt, purple earrings, and glasses

Now, why in the heck would I wear the same thing every day for a week?

I am participating in a program with a small group of ladies from my residence hall called “The Uniform Project.” We will all be wearing a black dress for 7 days in a row, changing up our accessories to have a different outfit with the same base each day. Our focus is on combining sustainability and fashion, with a little bit of body image thrown in as well. I personally will be focusing on body image in my first post.

Our inspiration for this program is the original Uniform Project, which you can read about here. We’ll be taking photos of our outfits each day, and all of us will be writing 3 blog posts each about our experiences with the project. If you’d like to follow along with our stories this week, you can find them here!

I’d love some feedback/ideas for new ways to accessorize. I have a few belts, a hat, a few pairs of tights, and a ton of different jewelry, but it would be great to get some fresh ideas.

So please come check us out at swansonhalluniformproject.wordpress.com!

There you go, you paralyze me

(Please ignore the dumb ridiculous emotional stupid vague word vomit that is to follow.)

Okay, so why should fear keep me from doing anything that holds the opportunity to make me happier?

I could just pour my heart out here, right now. But that's a little (read: WAYYY) too public for me right now. All I'm going to say about it is that being afraid to do something because it hasn't worked out in the past in very different situations is ridiculous. I need to get over this mental block and just live my life, you know?

And then, if it doesn't work out the way I'm hoping it does, well...I'll be fine. I can still be satisfied with it. So what's stopping me?

And by morning we'll be free

This post's title is courtesy of "What's Left of the Flag" by Flogging Molly, in the spirit of St. Patrick's Day. I've been digging that song a lot lately, and the line seemed applicable to the short post you're about to read.

Late at night/early in the morning is my prime awake time. I rarely, if ever, fall asleep before 2:00am - even less often before 1:00, and almost never before midnight. My brain is churning and I just can't imagine going to sleep.

I think about everything I possibly can, and it's a little ridiculous. Late-night thoughts are weird ones, which makes it such a good time to do that type of thinking. I make plans, I see the way I want things to happen in the future (both near and far), and I get motivated to do things. But like I told someone recently...one of my favorite lyrics - though I don't even know the song* - goes, "What is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is." I've always felt like that, ever since I can remember. I lay in bed, waiting and waiting and waiting for the tides of sleep to wash over me, and I just know what I'm going to do with my life when I wake up in the morning. Then I get to the next day...and it's never that easy.

I can't decide whether I like staying up late and thinking a ton or being so exhausted that I fall asleep immediately (like I did last semester). I don't know if I'll ever figure out the right balance. But as of right now, I think I'm okay with that.

Sorry for waiting a month and a half to write here. I just haven't had any meaningless nonsense to shout out into the abyss for a while. I love you all.

*I'd like to clarify, I am familiar with the song - I just haven't ever cared enough to listen to it. I like the line, that's all.

He sees hope in everyone

I am tired.

I'm tired of trying to fit into the little box that society deems "normal" and I'm done with it. I'm not flexible, and I'm certainly not a contortionist and I'm not willing to try to squeeze into something that cannot possibly contain me. I'm done being limited by people's opinions of what I and others should be.

I've noticed that the people who have been in my life most consistently are those that don't expect or ask for anything but me.

Just a thought.

On the edge

I don't know what to say.

I've been trying to think of a new post for so long, but there's just nothing I feel the need to say to everyone.

I'm fighting the edge of another depressive episode, starting with an appointment with my counselor Monday. I think I'll be fine. At least I'm being proactive about it this time?

I have a letter to write to someone. If I haven't said it here before, that's what I tend to do when I journal. I write letters to specific people - sometimes loving, sometimes angry, always honest. This one is thankful. And I should probably share it with the person to whom I'm writing when I finish it.

Anyway, I'm drowning in homework this semester, but I actually don't mind it all that much. Right now I just need to organize my life.

Happiness throws a shower of sparks

(this is all of my typical advice thrown into one post. to everyone and no one in particular, including myself)

Stop it.

Stop thinking those thoughts that say you're worthless, ugly, terrible.

Stop being surprised when you're told that someone finds you attractive. Why shouldn't they? Look at all the things about you to attract them. There are a lot. Whether it's your laugh, smile, body, personality, whatever. It's damn attractive, and you should believe it.

Stop buying into the songs that tell you how to feel about yourself. You know, the ones that make you subconsciously start disliking parts of you so that you can be proven wrong by someone - "her laugh, she hates it but I think it's so sexy" and "you don't know you're beautiful, and that's what makes you beautiful." I don't want to swear on this blog, but really, F THAT S. Own your beauty. You're awesome. You're allowed to be aware of the fact that you're awesome. Now I'm not saying you have to shove your awesomeness down everyone's throats - they're aware of it too.

Stop with the idea that there's just one person out there for you. Anyone out there could be for you. If you keep thinking there only exists one solitary partner for your life, you're heading down a potentially lonely (and quite frankly boring) path.

Be with the people around you. Get to know them even deeper than you do. Be the one that someone comes to for ice cream to heal a broken heart (many of my friends know that's my solution - and make it good ice cream, like Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Buns or Coldstone's Birthday Cake Remix). Buy a drink for someone (if you're 21+, that is). Offer to drive. If you like something about a person, tell them. Allow someone to buy you a drink...or do what's even more difficult and accept a compliment from them without turning it down and refusing to accept it. Say thanks.

Do something you loooove. I'm not saying it has to be your career. I'm fully aware that I'm not going to be an actual artist someday, but I still let myself paint because I enjoy it. I allow myself to be satisfied with the results.

Let go of regret. As I said in my previous post, "regret is such a pointless emotion, don't you think?" If you're upset about the outcome of something, don't bother wishing you could alter it. Regretting it isn't going to change the outcome. Consider it, learn from it, move on.

These are my current thoughts, my ways that I'm trying to create a happier life for myself. What are yours?

WHOA GUYS WHOA

5000 total pageviews? Daaang. One week from today will be this blog's 3rd birthday, and I'd just like to thank you all for sticking with me. It's a small blog with not much purpose, but you've seen me through ups and downs, goods and bads (and uglies). I like you all. :)

I am done with my graceless heart

Since it's the first day of 2012 (at least as I'm starting this post it is), so I figured I should make my list of resolutions.

1. Be happier.
2. Work out at least 3 times a week.
3. Eat 2 fruits and 2 vegetables a day.
4. Call mom once a week.
5. Enjoy my friends' last semester at Creighton with them.
6. Stop taking things for granted.
7. Let go of regrets; accept things for what they are.

A couple things have stuck with me lately -

I was listening to Shake It Out on our drive home from Kansas City today, and something hit me. I knew I had to listen to it when we left the restaurant after eating lunch. I don't know what it was; I was listening to it and it was just so moving. I even had to let a few tears go, looking out the window to hide them from my parents. Of course I've heard the song before, but it really meant something this time. It was like I knew that today marked a new start, and the lyrics were written to prove it to me:

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

The other thing that struck me was a line from a book I read recently: "Regret is such a pointless emotion, don't you think?" I don't know why, but it just kind of got stuck in my head. I've been thinking about it for the past few days since I finished the book, and how I might sometimes say that I don't have any regrets because I've learned from my mistakes, and how that's not really true. I've been weighed down by regrets in my life - who I loved, how I loved them, things I've done, and things I've allowed to happen. So that's why #7 up there exists. I've decided to start letting things go, or at least trying to do that.

And #1, well...that's most important on that list.