It's all about attitude right now

Really.

I normally hate it when people say "choose your attitude" or something like that, mostly because when I'm in a depressive state I can't do that. It's not that simple. But right now, I'm seeing a lot of negativity on all my social networks - whether it's from my classmates about the pharmacology test coming up in 9.5 hours, or from my friends in a meeting I had to miss in order to study (so maybe it's a good thing I missed it? I dunno), or from myself dealing with certain people. I see it, and it's oddly irritating to me right now.

I don't need to hate people. I don't want to hate people, especially when there's not a specific reason other than that they aren't doing what I want them to. So maybe instead of focusing energy in a spiteful and negative direction, I'm feeling the will to channel it into my studies and really do well on this test. (still gonna hold a grudge, though. just not as venomous)

Oddly enough, I'm feeling better about learning and memorizing all these cancer drugs than I've felt about any other drug class we've studied in pharmacology. I've got about 1 and 1/4 lectures left to listen to, and then a couple powerpoints to go through. I can do that by 3:30 (about 2 hours from now). Unpopular opinion, with my classmates at least: I think the anti-cancer drugs are pretty cool. Yeah, there's a lot of them that we have to memorize and they all do different things, but the names give me hints as to how they work. I wish all drugs were like that...but alas, they are not. Anyway, I feel like I could do well on this test.

So like Elane and I talked about this afternoon, all I have to do is say "I AM going to do well. I AM going to get a good grade on this test." Good advice from Elane's mama right there. I'm going to stop saying I might, or I could, or maybe. I'm taking out the wishy-washiness of those statements. Either I'm not going to do well, or I am going to do well. It's up to me.

I'm going to stay focused. I'm going to do well on this test.

Maybe it's my finals-focus-mode coming in to play early. Maybe it's that I started working in an actual pharmacy and am already getting more comfortable with drugs. I don't know, but I hope it sticks around. I'm done whining about things being too hard, at least for tonight. Life is really busy right now, but it's been really busy before and it's going to be really busy again. I'll get through it. People sometimes don't do what I want. I'll get over it.

Tomorrow (okay, well technically today, whatever) is going to include a well-above-passing grade on the pharmacology test, 2 hours of paying attention in therapeutics, and a run. I've got about 2 weeks' worth of unused exercise energy all stored up, and I need to start using it. Hopefully duty won't be too bad (4/20, ugh dumb), and I'm going to buy some scrubs this weekend for work. I'm working 12 hours next week since we don't have any tests, it's our last week of lab and case studies for the semester, and I'm going to finally have the chance to hang out with some people I've been missing. Life is alright.

Well then. This was a lot longer than I expected it to be. If I'm going to get this studying done in the next 2 hours, I should get to it! Much love, my friends.