Don't forget me, I beg

Her eyes are so honest.

I may have teared up while watching this video. There's a reason this immediately became my favorite song from the album.

If love is a labor, I'll slave til the end.

I hate this.

I'm too needy. I try to stop, and I just can't. I can't stop expressing my feelings, and I don't understand how other people do it. I just don't get it. I feel too much.

edit: At least I painted a little tonight. I like how these two backgrounds turned out.

Six years has gone so fast

This is Brian. He died six years ago today.

Brian, Jane's boyfriend. Brian, who I'd eaten lunch with almost every day of freshman year of high school. Brian, who I pushed around stage on wheeled scaffolding during strike after the spring play the previous year. Brian, the star-to-be of Big River, the fall play that year. Brian, the guy who wore his plaid pajama pants almost every day, the one who had an easy laugh and kind eyes. Brian, my friend.

Your life is hard. I know, mine is too. Life is hard. But I can tell you, and I hope you believe me, that life is worth it, too. It can be terrifying to think about, but there is always help available. Open up to a friend, see a counselor. Suicide...suicide is never worth it. Suicide hurts the people around you so incredibly much, to the point where they're still asking why six years later.

I might not even know you (but chances are I probably do). Even if I don't, I know that you deserve to be alive. You are loved, and you are not alone. Especially when it feels like you're lonelier than you've ever been, you are never alone. You are a beautiful person.

I want to take everyone in the world who's ever felt worthless, hopeless, broken, or empty, and I want to hug them. I want to tell them that they mean something, that their life matters, that they're not alone...that they're loved.

Your more is less, babe

I can't deal with this right now. This whole feeling unworthy of being loved thing, it's not okay. I try so hard to be loved by people, and it hurts so much when I don't see an outcome. I feel like I give and give, I express my appreciation, I open up. I'm genuine. I love. I just wish that for once I wasn't just the friend.


So I guess I give up. Maybe I'll shut down a little, try not to need people so much. That's the way other people seem to do it.


I wish I could agree with John Mayer when he says, "I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give returned to me."

I can't make you love me if you don't

It's been an interesting few days. All in all, I think the rough patches in my week have turned out to be blessings. A recap:

• black-eyed susans and wild mustard
• sandhills and tree-filled bluffs
• one last sunburn of the summer
• people-loving dogs and cuddly cats
• the Milky Way
• vibrant sunsets
• late dinners
• food from the garden
• standing in a river and feeling whole for once
• being more content than ever
• still having to take life one day at a time
• late night Sonic runs
• pinkie promises through Skype
• tighter hugs than usual

Awake my soul

I was going to make a really great post tonight or sometime soon about how wonderful the earth can be, especially in places like Valentine, NE.

But then today happened and the internet came back to me and I'm just not in the mood to let you all into the magnificent spot that I found in my heart this weekend because I don't think you'd listen anyway.