Saturday, March 31, 2012

What's eating you alive might help you to survive

I've had "Me and Mia" by Ted Leo & the Pharmacists in my head all day, and that (^this post's title, up there^) is the line that's sticking out to me. That's how I usually pick my post titles, if you're new here.

**before we get started, I just wanted to complain about how much let you guys know that my face hurts really bad right now. I'm pretty positive that I have a sinus infection, which is just great considering how crappy I felt yesterday and the day before. Oh well, at least I'm already on an antibiotic. Back to the post now**

It's #wearTWLOHA day, so I want to reflect on that a little. I'm wearing mine (the turquoise shirt that Patrick got for me this summer while he was interning there!) because it reminds me that none of us is ever alone in our struggle to live. Maybe it's your own personal struggle. Maybe it's your friend's, your daughter's, your brother's. We all struggle with life sometimes - we'd be lying if we said we didn't.

For me, well...if you've looked at this blog ever, you know my story. I don't need to repeat it. I'm at a considerably better place in my life right now than I was 4 months ago, 2 years ago, or 7 years ago. I am happy to be alive. I am excited for the future. I can SEE my future (or at least parts of it), which is plenty more than I could say just a few months ago.

I can't say enough how my friends save my life. I'm reminded of that every day - Steph's eyes lighting up when she sees me, Pat listening to me cry and moan for hours, Scott giving me the most important advice I've ever received, Andrew's ability to understand everything about me, Shannon's way of feeling all these feelings I'm feeling, Claire letting me into her life right away, Katie crying with me, Rachel pointing out how happy I am when I talk about painting, Katherine's ability to cheer me up, Elane's drive to do good, and so many other people doing amazing things to keep me going. I hope you all know, even if I didn't mention you specifically, how important you and your friendship are to me. You are the ones I live for, and I do need you all so much.

But enough about me.

What's your story? Do you wear TWLOHA? Why? I want to know. It's the end of an important day for celebrating life, love, and support. You are not alone, even when you feel it the most - especially then. There will always be someone thinking of you, there will always be someone to answer the phone when you call, and there will always be love in your life. Don't forget it.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

It's okay if no one believes like you


I think life lately has been telling me to watch this again. A friend showed it to me for the first time at least a year ago, but just in the last few weeks, it's been mentioned at least three times by different people. I took it as a sign that I've been needing to see it again.

How To Be Alone - Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places: the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, were you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there, where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway, so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging out with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously based on your "avoid being alone" principles.

The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by chow-downers, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they - like you - will be alone. Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner - a restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert, cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies, where it is dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community. And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor til the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because they're probably not. And if they are, assume it is with the best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.

Go to an unfamiliar city. Roam the streets - there are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Because if you're happy in your head, then solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique. No one has the same synapses, can't think like you - for this, be relieved. It keeps things interesting, life's magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that community's not present. Just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. Take silence and respect it. If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. If your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it. If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it. There is heat in freezing. Be a testament.

Friday, March 23, 2012

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it.


There's been a lot happening in my brain lately. I didn't even realize it until today. I've been having anxiety attacks that cause me to get so overwhelmed with emotion that I just need to lay in bed and sleep for a couple hours. I haven't had an appetite, I've been angry and feeling the need to punch things, and I've been hypersensitive (yes, even for me).

But you know what? I'm not going to let it get worse. I'm done with this. I know how to combat it, so now I just need to actually take those steps - go for a run when I'm angry, eat healthy food on a normal schedule, think before I react.

I'm going to do it, but I'm going to need help from you, my friends.

"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love. I'm still looking up."

Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Uniform Project, Creighton-style


I've recently been realizing that I should wear skirts more often. I like them, they're cute, and they're a change from my typical jeans and v-neck daily uniform.
Well...now I'll be wearing the same dress for the next 7 days in a row.
Day 1 - purple tights, black flats, skinny black belt, purple earrings, and glasses
Now, why in the heck would I wear the same thing every day for a week?
I am participating in a program with a small group of ladies from my residence hall called “The Uniform Project.” We will all be wearing a black dress for 7 days in a row, changing up our accessories to have a different outfit with the same base each day. Our focus is on combining sustainability and fashion, with a little bit of body image thrown in as well. I personally will be focusing on body image in my first post.
Our inspiration for this program is the original Uniform Project, which you can read about here. We’ll be taking photos of our outfits each day, and all of us will be writing 3 blog posts each about our experiences with the project. If you’d like to follow along with our stories this week, you can find them here!
I’d love some feedback/ideas for new ways to accessorize. I have a few belts, a hat, a few pairs of tights, and a ton of different jewelry, but it would be great to get some fresh ideas.
So please come check us out at swansonhalluniformproject.wordpress.com!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

There you go, you paralyze me

(Please ignore the dumb ridiculous emotional stupid vague word vomit that is to follow.)

Okay, so why should fear keep me from doing anything that holds the opportunity to make me happier?

I could just pour my heart out here, right now. But that's a little (read: WAYYY) too public for me right now. All I'm going to say about it is that being afraid to do something because it hasn't worked out in the past in very different situations is ridiculous. I need to get over this mental block and just live my life, you know?

And then, if it doesn't work out the way I'm hoping it does, well...I'll be fine. I can still be satisfied with it. So what's stopping me?

Monday, March 19, 2012

And by morning we'll be free

This post's title is courtesy of "What's Left of the Flag" by Flogging Molly, in the spirit of St. Patrick's Day. I've been digging that song a lot lately, and the line seemed applicable to the short post you're about to read.

Late at night/early in the morning is my prime awake time. I rarely, if ever, fall asleep before 2:00am - even less often before 1:00, and almost never before midnight. My brain is churning and I just can't imagine going to sleep.

I think about everything I possibly can, and it's a little ridiculous. Late-night thoughts are weird ones, which makes it such a good time to do that type of thinking. I make plans, I see the way I want things to happen in the future (both near and far), and I get motivated to do things. But like I told someone recently...one of my favorite lyrics - though I don't even know the song* - goes, "What is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is." I've always felt like that, ever since I can remember. I lay in bed, waiting and waiting and waiting for the tides of sleep to wash over me, and I just know what I'm going to do with my life when I wake up in the morning. Then I get to the next day...and it's never that easy.

I can't decide whether I like staying up late and thinking a ton or being so exhausted that I fall asleep immediately (like I did last semester). I don't know if I'll ever figure out the right balance. But as of right now, I think I'm okay with that.

Sorry for waiting a month and a half to write here. I just haven't had any meaningless nonsense to shout out into the abyss for a while. I love you all.

*I'd like to clarify, I am familiar with the song - I just haven't ever cared enough to listen to it. I like the line, that's all.