I don't want to be here...

I don't. I don't want to face them, I don't want to address this...I just want it to be summer. Only three and a half weeks, and I'll home, and it'll be summer, and I'll be around people who I KNOW don't talk behind my back. Here, though...I'm not so sure. But until then, I don't want to deal with this. I deactivated my Facebook for that reason. No, I didn't block you, I just decided I didn't want to deal with it, so I deactivated. I'll reactivate in the summer, but not before then. Maybe then all this will wash away and I won't have to face you again.

I realize that what I did was stupid and immature, and I'm truly sorry I let myself do that. But what you don't seem to realize is that it wasn't something little to me. It was my best friend telling me I wasn't good enough for her, and that's the worst way to hurt me. It's what I fear most about any friendship -- not being good enough. So thank you for pushing it into my face how much better you are at all things than I am, but I'd rather not listen anymore. Therefore I removed myself from the situation and not letting myself stoop as low as I did ever again. This is the last of it. I give up...not to say you win, just that I give up. It's not worth fighting for anymore. I don't think you were the type of friends I really wanted in the first place.

So. Now that that's done...I'm moving on. I'm going to focus on my studying these next three weeks, and I'm going to fully prepare myself for everything (academically speaking). It's going to be a hell of a lot of work, but now that I don't have Facebook to distract me, it shouldn't be as difficult as it was. Now I just have to stay off of Twitter a little more. :S haha

That's what's going on with me. I haven't written my novel in waaaaaaaay too long...but I just don't have time. I got my Honors paper done a little bit ago, and then I have my Bio paper due Wednesday, and World Lit paper due next Tuesday. And my World Lit project...hmmm...I need inspiration for that. I've got a good idea, I just need to find a way to really tie it to the class. Oh well...I'll figure it out.

I had a pretty good Easter break...spent 3 of the 4 evenings with Ryan. :D That's always fun...well, not always, seeing as we had one of our relationship talks again...how it works and why we're okay with it being so unusual and him reassuring me that it's okay that I'm not perfect and me crying and blah blah blah. But that was only one night, so we're good for a while. :) We watched "A Beautiful Mind" which I've never seen in its entirety before, and I absolutely LOVED it. John Nash reminds me of Ryan...I wonder if my boyfriend is schizophrenic...:S lol...


And then tonight for CU Dems we watched "Milk" and ate nachos from Q'doba, which were delish! And the movie was one of the best I've ever seen, honestly. I'm not gay, but it made me want to be a gay rights activist of the 70's! :D My parents were married in 1978, the year everything really happened for Harvey Milk (including his assassination). Odd to think about my parents being the age of a lot of those activists.


I'm starting this new optimism thing, just to try it out. I'll let you know how it works. ;)