You'll probably never read this, but I need to say it.

Dear you (you know who you are, and if you don't know whether that means you or not, it doesn't),

I can't believe you did this to me. I don't want to hear your defenses right now; I just want to tell you what I feel.

I feel hurt, mostly. Hurt that you would not give me a chance to defend myself before just springing this on me. Hurt that you don't believe me when I try. Hurt that you won't rethink your decision at all.

I feel angry. Angry at myself for getting into this. Angry at you for doubting me. Angry at you for doing this to me when I didn't do anything except try to help YOU. Angry at you for pulling this days before the deadline and not giving me a chance to find someone else.

I feel betrayed. Betrayed because I was doing that for you and you alone. I listened to you, I listened to her, and I TOLD YOU I agreed with you. I told you that! And yet you still are leaving me out in the cold. All I wanted to do was help. I didn't hide anything from you, I put all my cards out on the table, and you didn't say ANYTHING. You never asked me to stop being nice to her, even though that's apparently what you wanted. Oh, and if that's what you wanted, I'm sorry but that is SO mean, and immature, and terrible. So I feel betrayed that when I'm the one trying to help, I'm the one who gets hurt.

I feel like this isn't the real reason. I think that over the past few weeks, you've been searching, finding things about me that you can't live with. Since I have told you everything, I think that's the reason you can't get over it. It's not that you don't trust me - it's that you're using it as an excuse. I don't care what you say, that's what I think it has to be. Because I've explained everything, that part of it should just disappear, but it's not. So there has to be something else.

I want you to feel my pain. I want you to know that it's going to take me a very, very long time to get over this and trust you again. I want you to realize that even though you say you know how much I am hurting, you have NO idea how much it really is.

And I want you to know about the feelings you brought back into my life that I never thought I'd feel again. Only 3 people know this (at least that's all I've told), but 3-4 years ago, I thought constantly about killing myself. I hated my life so much that I just wanted to die. It faded later into not thinking about killing myself, but instead praying that I would die in a freak accident or something. I was completely fine with dying, just to escape my life. I never tried, and thankfully those thoughts faded (or so I thought). I thought I was done thinking them, that they would never return.

But this weekend's events actually brought them back. I think it would just make everything easier if I no longer existed. You could still live with them, you wouldn't have to live with me. Everything would be better for you. I'm not going to act on them, but as much as I try, I can't shake them.

You have caused me to lose all my trust in anyone. I trusted you completely, and this is what you do to me. You try to protect yourself from what you fear most about your friendships, and it doing that you hurt me with what I fear about them: not being good enough. So that's what you've done to me. I hope you're happy next year.

I'm going to try not letting this break our friendship, but it's going to be cracked, no matter what. It's kind of like glass...the whole window hasn't been shattered, but a corner's been broken off and can never be reattached seamlessly. I still love you like a sister, but this wound's going to take some time to heal.



Avoiding me isn't going to help us become friends again. Don't act like you're not - I know you are. But you can't fix a problem by ignoring it. That's why I think you're making the wrong decision. And I need you more than ever right now.