I'll be waiting

Well, I'm off to Kansas City for New Years! Actually, we're leaving in about ten hours, but in all actuality we'll be on our way by the time any of you read this. We're spending a few days with my mom's side of the family, and I'm super excited. I get to see Meghan and Caitlin, my 14-year-old cousins from Baltimore, and Bubba (also known as Cale) and Coralee, my cousin Ann's babies. It'll be my first time meeting Cora, and I can't wait! Ahhh so excited. Baby!

In case you were wondering, I had a very nice Christmas. We had Christmas Eve with my dad's family like always, this time in Blair at the Cargill headquarters (where my uncle Tom works). It was a really great space, the perfect size for us. And even though not everyone could come, there was enough room for everyone in our family - all 44 of the G family members! Good God, there are tons of us. We're taking over!

My cousin Rachel had her second baby boy just before Christmas, and my cousin Kristen is due at the beginning of January with a boy as well - carrying on the G family tradition! In case you didn't know, my dad's the oldest of 8, all boys. And then my generation is mostly boys as well, and now of course the first 3 great-grandkids are boys. Crazy crazy. But anyway, please keep my new baby cousins and their moms in your prayers! As far as I know, everyone's healthy right now, so that's awesome.

So like I said, I'll be gone for the next few days. I hope that each one of you have had a wonderful holiday (whatever it is that you celebrate) full of love and laughter, and I also hope that your new year is full of the same! Please stay safe, be smart, and have fun on New Years Eve. You're all in my thoughts!

I'll be home for Christmas

Home once again.

For once, I'm actually glad to be here. I know, odd coming from me, right? But it's not like the last few times I've come home. I'm excited to be on winter break, lying in my old bed that's going to make my back ache in the morning. I can't wait for Christmas with family, and I can't help but smile and sing along to the radio. I haven't felt excitement (or hope, for that matter) in a while, but I do now. I guess what's changed this time is me - I feel more like myself than I have in a long time, maybe the whole semester.

I don't know how to explain it, really. The whole semester went so quickly; the beginning flew by and I never was able to catch up, and suddenly it was finals week. Maybe it had to do with the depression I've been in all semester. Actually, that was probably it. For so long I just didn't care about things and didn't want to be around people, and it felt so strange and so horrendous and so fascinating all at the same time. I've never had a depressive episode last so long and be so steady before.

Last weekend, though, right before finals...I've been describing it as "waking up." Suddenly I was more aware of the people around me - I was realizing that I'm not the only person in the world who needs attention, I'm not the only person with problems, I'm not the only one who has things to figure out. I have friends, wonderful friends who deserve my attention and love, and I haven't been treating them like that.

(this is going to get a little heavy, just so you know)

So this is to apologize. Chances are that if you're reading this, you're a friend of mine. So to my dear friends, you are the best. I would go crazy without you, and I've told you before that you keep me alive every day. I need you to tell me to keep fighting, because otherwise I'd forget that a fight's even happening. (I keep picturing it like a war scene from a movie, like LOTR or something equally as awesome. Is that weird? Hmm don't care.) I am battling depression, and when I forget it, that's when I start losing. I am fighting to live, fighting the thoughts that say I'm not worth it, fighting the ideas that death would be so much easier, fighting the urge to just give up. I am fighting this, and the thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that you're at my sides fighting just as hard as I am, if not harder. You're the ones who keep me protected from the monsters trying to tear me down. You're what comes to mind when I think about the worst things, and I realize that I could never hurt you like that. I've known that hurt, and I can't let you feel that way. So I keep fighting. I keep fighting for you, and then I start fighting for me too. I will overpower this. It will be better someday. Hell, it's already thousands of times better, and it'll keep getting better. I'll have setbacks, I know. But somehow, I'll get through them with you there to hold me up. You are the most wonderful people, and I am so lucky to have you in my life. Thank you, and I'm sorry for not fully being me this semester. You deserve the best, and that's what I'll be giving you from now on.

You know, when people asked what changed in the last week, I kept saying that I didn't know. But Rachel helped me to realize it. It was all of you. It was you fighting for me, praying for me, supporting me. It wasn't that you just started, but that I finally figured it out. I can finally see it.

I love you all so very much. Thank you for being so spectacular. I hope you're enjoying your break so far, and I can't wait to hear from you.

Tell me I'm a wreck

Life's been messy lately...but it'll all work out eventually. Don't worry, I'm fine. I'll be fine.

I got a haircut today (thank goodness, because it was starting to get all shaggy and bleh). I love going there to chat with Julie. It's like a salon in a movie or television show; I can tell her all about my life and she loves to listen and offer advice. Haha, she's great. She's always on my side, no matter what the issue is - although usually it's about guys. If I mention someone, she's convinced he's in love with me. If it turns out I'm just friends with him (which is always the case, you know), she tells me he wasn't good enough for me. Gotta love her. :)

Haircut!

While we were chatting today, Julie told me that I need to "let my inner jerk out." She said I'm too sweet and care too much about making other people happy, and I need to put myself first sometimes.

I don't know how I feel about that. I would rather have everyone around me be happy with their lives, so if I can do something for them, I'm going to do it. I don't want to take away from the people around me just to make myself happier.

What do I need? I need the people around me to be happy. And occasionally let me know that they like me. Thankfully I have some really wonderful friends. I've been thinking too much lately, especially about things I don't want to think about, and I just need to remind myself to think of those people instead.

I love you all a lot. A lot a lot. In fact, I can't not love you. Speaking of that, here's the song I've been playing nonstop for the past few days that, interestingly enough, is called that:

I hope you all enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday. Much love from Fremont.

If I ever get the nerve to say hello

Euphoric.

That's how I felt tonight, sitting on a blanket watching my hometown's fireworks show with my second family. With colors bursting over my head, shattering into a thousand little pieces of light, I wasn't even thinking about anything. Entranced by the fiery sky, I didn't feel the need to hold in my stomach, or to mess with my hair, or to sit in any particular fashion. I felt simple, innocent, happy. Euphoric.

As I reread my most recent post a few minutes ago, I couldn't help but notice how out-of-place the last paragraph seems. I apologize for that. I had meant to end it on a high note, but then I ended up getting all lonely and downhearted again. Life is good, and since I wrote that, all I've been feeling is...I don't really know how to describe it. This sort of...giddiness, maybe? Just feeling happy to be alive. There are so many things that I am able to do and so many things that I want to do and it's wonderful.

I have better friends than I could even ask to have - ones who send me letters, play songs for me that make them think of me, respond to my Tumbls, text me with random hilarious things about their days, and call on a random afternoon while they're driving home just to chat for a little while. I am so blessed to have this life.

Omaha, somewhere in middle America

"Get right to the heart of matters...it's the heart that matters more."
Omaha, Counting Crows

It's been an interesting week so far. Fun and heartache, stress and fear, loneliness and love. I think I've still got a lot to learn about myself, but I'm getting used to the idea.

I love this city...so incredibly much. Omaha has become my home in the last year - I actually feel like a visitor when I go back to my hometown. Crazy, isn't it?

You know, I think it's the people that make the difference. Even people I just met a month ago (ahem, Claire) are making this summer the best one yet. It's the conversations I have, and it's the adventures we go on, and it's the promise of being loved for me. That's what makes this my home. Home might not necessarily be a place, but instead it might be more of a feeling. The feeling of having a heart that's happy - that's the feeling of home.

Someday I'll find a man who loves all of me, every odd-fitting piece of the puzzle that is me. And if you already love them...well, sometimes I need to be told that.

Room 516

blue sticky tack still on the side of the shelves, a long red hair stuck in it
a crack in the white plastic light fixture
plate on the south wall, its slight tilt that drove me a little crazy
irremovable safety rail on the side of the bed
drawer, third from the bottom, that only stays shut when it's empty
remaining furniture rearranged
missing a refrigerator because I brought my own
but that impossible microwave is there, the one that always burnt the popcorn
a teal plastic hook that I forgot in the bathroom
and the drain in the shower completely loose
missing its screws since it was fixed

scuffs of maroon scarring the west wall

reminders of the chair that once sat there

Important things happened here,
where I found perfection in the imperfections.

Home is wherever I'm with you

Things I'm loving about home so far:

1. I can take a baaaath here.
2. I've read a hundred pages of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone tonight.
3. My parents and I had a good conversation over dinner.
4. I didn't have to pay for my dinner. ;)
5. I'm snuggled under my quilt reading, it's only 11:00 and I'm tired, and I can sleep in tomorrow.
6. I get to see some truly wonderful friends tomorrow.
7. I didn't have to buy my own groceries.
8. My parents are on a good spell, it seems. It's always nice when I don't have to be stuck in the middle of a pointless argument.
9. I get to see a bunch of my extended family on Sunday.
10. Although there's still an air of not really belonging here, I'm glad I am. It's not so frustrating this time.

You've been on my mind

Good things list:

• Bike ride tonight, to Iowa and back.
• My leg muscles seem to have remembered they exist.
• I will be extremely sore when I get up in the morning.
• An "I miss you" text that I really needed.
• PS - I miss you right back, and I can't wait to send you the package I'm planning.
• Made it to Scooter's with 10 minutes to spare before it closed.
• Wonderful time spent back at the Kiewit desk with Lance.
• His fambam is basically awesome. :)
• Can finally send in my RSVP for the wedding!
• (because now I know who's coming to it with me)
• Wishing Elane's and my schedules could not be polar opposites for just one evening.
• Back to living in Swanson!
• But I do really miss Kiewit...
• Going home this weekend.
• Seeing the mama, the papa, the bffs, and the extended fambam!
• So many tears in the last couple weeks.
• Yes, that is a good thing.
• It means I was moved or that I really truly love the people in my life (and miss them a ton).

I ran to the tower where the church bells chimed...

...and I hoped that they would clear my mind. They left a ringing in my ear, but that drum's still beating loud and clear.

I went to Mass with my mom yesterday back home.

I've been thinking lately that maybe church is what's missing. Maybe I just need to rebuild my relationship with God and the Church to figure out my life.

The thing is, I think I already have a pretty good relationship with God. But that means that I have my own beliefs...which are not necessarily the same as an organized religion's.

The priest focused his homily on foundations. The Gospel reading was Matthew 7: 21-27 - foundations. The wise man builds his house on rock, unlike the fool who builds his on sand. We're supposed to build our faith on the teachings of the Church, and it'll become our rock. With the Church as our foundation, we can't go wrong.





Right?

But I have my rock. My rock is made of the people I love. My rock is the belief that God is love - all-encompassing, unending, unwavering love. As Father Greg Boyle, S.J., said, "This is a God who's too busy loving you to be disappointed." I think God loves every person. He created us all, didn't he? Didn't He make us exactly the way we were to be made? So how could he possibly NOT love us? God loves us. That is my rock, my foundation.

Then why is the Church grinding my rock into sand?

How is it, then, that if we are supposed to love our neighbor, if God truly loves us...how does it possibly add up that we can't let love happen? Why can't people I love so much love each other?

Yes, this is turning from a religious rant into an LGBTQ rights rant.

Love is love. You can't tell people I love that they can't love each other based on which gender they are. You can't keep them from loving each other by withholding the ability to marry. That's not how love works. The heart works, regardless of a piece of paper. But it would be nice to allow them that sanctity, the ability to prove that they will love no one else the way they love each other for the rest of their lives.

Also, this is becoming a save-the-world rant.

We just sit there in the gorgeous brick building, filled with heat or air conditioning that's so plentiful we complain about it, listening a man wearing a robe stitched with sparkling gold-colored threads, under a crucifix hand-carved of bleached wood. What good is any of that doing for the world? Why do we have such nice things when so many people have none, and why are we enjoying them when we could actually be doing something worthwhile?

I felt like I needed to leave partway through Mass. Just run, drive away to where no one could hear me, and scream. Scream in frustration at living such a privileged life and not realizing how much I don't deserve until now. Scream in fear for the rest of my life, afraid to lose this. Scream in confusion, not knowing where to start to make sense of it all.

So all in all, going to church at home made it worse. Thankfully, I'm at Creighton, where a lot of people seem to feel similarly. A lot of those people happen to be my friends.

I think I need to start going to St. John's more, but not St. Patrick's.

Take your bags upstairs, tell yourself you still live here

How to return home.

I didn't want to be here. Honestly, I still don't really want to be here. I want to be back in MY room, the one where I do my real living - not the one here in this house, the room that could have been cut out of a magazine. Here in this town, the one that goes to bed at 10:30 and wakes up at 7, goes to the YMCA and runs errands at HyVee and Miller Pharmacy.

Why don't I want to be here?

To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure. I just want to be in Omaha.

I like Omaha. I like its sunrises and sunsets, I like its city atmosphere, I like the pedestrian bridge and Jones Bros. Cupcakes, I like that my friends are there. I like being on campus, especially those times when I have it to myself.

I think the issue here is less about spring break and more about summer. I don't want to feel so much like a child, the way I do here. My mom leaves me a list of things to do each day, including things like working out and doing the laundry, buying groceries, cleaning my bathroom, etc. If I was living on campus by myself this summer...I can just imagine it. I'd be so much more independent. I'd have work to do during the days, of course, but then I could go to the Farmer's Market or ride my bike to the pedestrian bridge and just sit for a while. I'd be able to take care of myself and not have to worry about doing things just to make my mom happy.

I might be growing up.

"It's a funny thing about coming home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realize what's changed is you." - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

There goes my life

It started off this morning with that song. Watching some countdown on CMT, top 40 songs of the decade or something? Nothing better to watch, so resorting to that after half an hour of flipping through channels. Watching parts of the video, interviews with people who know their country music.

Tears are flowing out of my eyes as my mom walks in the door, so I turn and hide them, busy myself by putting away the laundry I just folded. They're gone as quickly as they came, and I try to forget them.



Mom says I need to call Dr. MacCashland to get my biopsy results. I hold it together through the phone call, thinking maybe they won't return. As I walk away from the kitchen, though, there's no stopping them.



Strolling through Walmart to get groceries, they nearly make a return. I realize how lonely I am without someone to hold me, tell me I'm still normal, walk me through the aisles to find everything I can still eat.

Then I finish Mockingjay tonight. Damn, that book is tough to get through. The last chapter and the epilogue tear me apart, rip me to shreds, and I'm blinded again. Forcing myself to inhale deeply and push the saltwater back down.

So many tears today.

Take my hand, we'll hide in the corner

Dear nonexistent readers,

Well, I've been sedated, had a tube stuck down my throat into my small intestine, had bits of my small intestine removed to be looked at, and spent the entire day on the couch. All I did was read, eat cold foods that didn't require chewing, and sleep. Man, I slept a lot.

I'm feeling great today. I've had a headache for a while, but it's less noticeable today than it was last night. My guess is that it's from the lack of caffeine I had yesterday - it was the first day in a very, very long time that I didn't consume ANY caffeine at all. CRAZINESS.

Right now I'm at Panera in La Vista, NE (part of Omaha) sitting in the back corner booth while my mom is having a small lunch meeting for work. Glad I brought my computer. :) I also brought Pride and Prejudice (♥) and the second book of the Hunger Games series, Catching Fire.



I started The Hunger Games on Christmas Day and finished it yesterday. We got it for my cousin Liam, but he was playing with his new basketball and I felt like taking a look at it. Katherine's addicted to the series, so I figured I should give it a try since I seem to like what she likes.

Well, I ended up not being able to put it down. I was craving it all evening, as well as the next day. So my mom agreed to buy me a copy to read while I was stuck on the couch all day yesterday. Thank goodness! We couldn't find Catching Fire anywhere, but then we stopped at WalMart today and got one. :) Once I finish them, we're going to send Catching Fire and Mockingjay (the third book) to my cousins Meghan and Caitlin for their birthday in February. Yay!

So, I guess that's all for now. You can hardly even see the mark from where they put the IV in my arm yesterday, and my throat doesn't even hurt anymore. It just feels a little more open than usual. Interesting.

Oh, we went to see "How Do You Know" on Sunday with Aunt Sara, Grandma, and Olivia (Liam's little sister). I wouldn't recommend it. It's cute enough at the end, but the story just kind of drags on. Mmmkay, bye!

A merry little Christmas ♥

Well, my 22nd Christmas has passed. It was the same as always, wonderful and filled with family, fun, laughs, and love.

Sadly, I don't have pictures for you. I didn't take any this year because Aunt Chris was taking them with her wonderful Canon EOS 60D, to which my little blue PowerShot does not compare. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate my little camera. I just want an SLR soooooo badly. But once she emails pictures out, and then once my mother forwards them to me, I will post them.

I love my family so much. ♥ We're all a little weird, and we all have our issues. Before Christmas, I was a little down in the dumps (as if you couldn't tell from my recent posts, not that anyone even reads this...). But then I was surrounded by family and happiness, and it's hard to be self-pitying anymore. At least right now. I am SO incredibly blessed. I'm not trying to say my family is perfect - far from it, let me tell you. But there's so much love there that it covers the mistakes made.

I hope your Christmas was just as blessed.

Oh, also...I have finally talked to my parents about the possibility of looking into an insulin pump. Yay! (It's a little sad, is it not, that I'm so excited about this. But I am!)

I'll be doing alright with my Christmas of white

I hope you'll have a blue, blue, blue Christmas.

This is my first Christmas in three years without you. Well, without you in my life. Last year I didn't want you there because you ruined it the year before, and I was planning to break up with you a couple weeks later anyway. But we were still together. Sometimes I forget that I was still your girlfriend only a year ago. Then I realize that in a few weeks (two and a half from today), I will have been single for a full year.

Sometimes, I wish I was still there. Sitting on your ugly 80's couch, holding hands and watching the History Channel, House, or NCIS. Smelling the Garnier Fructis spray in your hair, the warm smell of your shoulder as it supported my head. (I almost typed heart instead of head...) Now the scent of my hair mousse doesn't remind me of you, I can watch NCIS and House without thinking of you (until a few hours later), and I lean on a bunch of other people's shoulders for support, both with my head and my heart.

Sometimes, I forget your phone number. Then suddenly the mess of numbers clears up, and there it is. Even though I deleted it from my phone, I can still remember it. I was really happy the first time I couldn't do that, though. Hopefully that will keep happening.

This is the second letter I've written to you now...the other one is still hiding where I left it this summer, sloppy handwriting from a ballpoint pen on plain computer paper. Six pages, I think? This one's in typing (my favorite font, which you would probably be neutral about). I remember our shared hatred of Comic Sans, which apparently we share with a TON of people - including the new girl who I suspect is a little into you, but I'll never know if my hunch is true. Did you know her cousin is in the Honors Program at Creighton? So weird, how things like that happen.

Anyway...I saw Chris (the "dog," as you always called her - asshole) tonight. She was at Wendy's with a couple girls I didn't recognize, and she was holding a baby. Maybe it was hers? I haven't creeped enough to find out yet. But I thought you might think that was entertaining. Because you always were the type to make fun of people worse off than you, especially Chris. I felt kind of bad for her, even though she was kind of a crazy bitch. She was nice enough to me while I was with you.

You would think it was stupid, but I'm reading Pride and Prejudice and listening to Christmas music on the radio. The song about meeting an old lover in the grocery store just came on - apparently it's called Same Old Lang Syne. They're both making me think of you. I'm partly wishing that could be us one day...but in all honesty, I probably won't see you ever again. Blue Christmas makes me think of you too, because I really truly hope that's how you feel. It sounds terrible, but I want you to realize how much you lost when you let me walk out your door on January 7th.

I remember I was wearing my grey skinny jeans, forest green henley, and brown boots. We went to Applebee's (like always), and you were in a particularly silly mood. You spelled out "MOO" with the straw wrappers while I was in the bathroom. I was texting Corinne the entire night, saying I couldn't do it, and she kept telling me I had to. We went back to your house after renting The Hangover from Hastings. After watching it, we saw the end of an episode of House and I started crying. We talked for what seemed like hours, but it probably only took about one. You cried, and I remember you pushing my hand away because I was hanging on too long. When there was finally nothing left to say, I went home. Before I left, I kissed your cheek, and you kissed my forehead. I watched your face crumple as I walked out the door, and I don't remember the drive home. I cried for days after that.

So yeah. Nights like tonight, they make me miss being with you. Not you, necessarily, but being with you. So I guess they make me miss being with anyone, and you're the only one with whom I have any experience of that. So then it feels like I miss you. But maybe I just miss being wanted, maybe I feel guilty. I can't tell you any of this, because that would be like admitting defeat. I don't regret it, but I am sorry for hurting you. You'll never admit that I did, but I know it's true. I saw your face.

I don't think Angiee or Sherri would still love me so much if they didn't think I was good for you. But I wasn't good enough - I couldn't inspire you to come to God, and you took me away from him. Maybe someday you'll find a girl who can do that. I secretly hope you don't and that you pine for me until you die because I'm the one that got away. Because you let me walk out the door, and all the while I was hoping you'd run out and stop me before I drove away, or that you'd call and beg me to change my mind. You never did, though, so I'm left in the dark praying that's how you still feel, and hoping that you'll have a blue, blue, blue Christmas.

Look at this photograph

There are soooo many pictures from yesterday. I think we took 86 during our Rachel-Laura-Corinne-Ali photo shoot, and we took a bunch at the traditional Madi-Jayme-Marissa-Katie-Ali-and-respective-mothers cookie baking event (without Katie, who is visiting PT schools up north). I don't think I can even pick the best ones. You'll have to check my Facebook to see them all!


Madi, Jayme, Marissa, and Ali



Laura, Corinne, Rachel, and Ali





These last two really truly represent our friendship. Goodness gracious, I love us.

I'll be home for Christmas

The worst finals week in the history of my life is finally over, and I am home. Thank the Lord.

I love Creighton and all of my amazing friends there, don't get me wrong. It's just wonderful coming home after a looooong week of stress and hassle.

I saw my baby cousin Cale today. :) That's me holding him this summer when I met him for the first time. He is SUCH a happy baby! Oh my goodness, I just love him so much! He's actually my cousin Ann Marie's son, so he's...my second cousin? First cousin once removed? I'm not sure. It's easier to call him my cousin.

Tomorrow, I shall see my BESTIESSSSS. I am so freaking excited. Rachel, Laura, and Corinne. Love love love. We're going to take the pictures we planned to take this summer, but now it's winter. We'll be taking them at Corinne's house, May Museum, downtown Fremont, and wherever else we feel like it. It's going to be a blast! Rachel's sister Megan (aka my sister Megan) shall be our photographer. To give you a preview, here's the epitome of my friendship with Rachel in photographic form:






Bahahahahaha. That was a fun night. Now you know all that you need to know about my best (home) friend and myself. :)

Also, I'll be baking cookies with friends Madi and Jayme, as well as their moms (Cozy and Diane, respectively) and my own mom and possibly Katie's mom Jodi. Katie unfortunately can't come, and neither can Marissa or her mom Marsha. Sad day. :( But it'll still be fun!

I'm exhausted. I got 3 hours of sleep last night, all thanks to Patrick. Pssssh. But in all honesty, it was totally worth it. What a great conversation.

Also, I had one heck of a morning. Between finishing room checks, packing my stuff, and checking out myself, it was extremely chaotic. I forgot a few things, but nothing I can't live without.

All is well on the home front. We got home from Uncle Mike and Aunt Sue's (where I saw Cale today) at 4:30ish? Maybe? Then the mama and I got groceries and Runza for dinner while Dad went to the warehouse to work on his car, or do whatever he does there. Then we came home and I took a bath in my itty-bitty bathtub, fell asleep for a few minutes after reading two chapters of Pride and Prejudice (which I'm re-reading over break). Since then, I've just been lying in bed typing this, texting Rachel and Corinne, and Skype chatting with Chris, who's leaving the Denver airport soon to finally fly home.

It's been a beautiful night, and I shall talk to you soon. But for now, sleep is calling me. ♥

Thanksgiving

I wrote this yesterday on my iPod, which sadly does not allow me to write on here. Thus, I was forced to type it into my notepad app, so here it is a day later.

Enjoying time with family, I'm reminiscing about other recent holidays. The one that sticks out in my mind was a couple years ago. Well, I guess it must have been at least three or four years ago now...I don't even remember much of it. We were in my mom's hometown of Woodbine, IA, where my grandma lived. I know it was Thanksgiving, because it almost never snows on Thanksgiving, but it was that day. My dad and I were taking a walk downtown. It must have been before dinner...the sky was still grey and white, so it couldn't have been past 4:00 or so. We went walking around town, my dad and I. It's the tiniest little town, so it didn't take long to go anywhere. We went down to the dentist's office where my grandma had been a receptionist. From there, we walked back toward the downtown area, two blocks away. We passed a house that was being built there on the south edge of town, where the hill overlooks the railroad. This house was incredible...stone on the outside instead of brick, all glass walls on the south side, copper detailing on the windows. Apparently and elevator was being put in, too. This palace did not belong in a town like Woodbine. Dad stared and admired for a while as I watched the light, fragile snowflakes fall, until we were too cold to stand still anymore. We walked to the gas station another block down the street to warm up and get sodas. It was there, sitting in the hard plastic tan and orange booth at the PetroMart, that my dad told me it would probably be our last Thanksgiving with Grandma Norma. She had been sick for a long time, just holding on for nearly ten years after Grandpa Pat passed away. I figured it was coming, but it was still a shock. I let a few tears fall, held my dad's hand, and let go.
I learned a lot about life that day. Especially about appreciating what's around you while it's there.

Railroad

I don't like it, but I'm going to post all the onewords I do.

I grew up by the rail­road.
The town’s bor­dered by them.
When I was play­ing in the park
out back behind my house
and I would hear a train com­ing
I always got so scared
and would run into the house cry­ing,
think­ing it was going to take me away.

Kiss Me

Since I'm enjoying the whole rediscovery thing right now, I made a playlist tonight based on "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None The Richer. I'm listening to it right now. Love love love.

I'm sitting at the Kiewit front desk, idling my time away. I like this shift, 1am-3am...it's always quiet, and I feel like I have time to be with myself. I can (basically) do what I want, and it's pretty much stress-free. Tonight is SUPER-relaxing, especially since:
- I got my homework done earlier today
- I went out to Chipotle for dinner with Katherine
- I danced with Patrick, Bill, and Tiara
- I had plenty of time to shower and re-straighten my hair
- My hair is softer than usual now
- There are two days of classes left until Thanksgiving break
- We don't have meetings tomorrow night
- My 8:00am class is canceled Tuesday
- I only have classes 9:00-12:00 Tuesday
- We're going out for Katie's birthday Tuesday
- I'm going home for about 30 hours on Wednesday

Yayyyyyy! I love this week! And then I come back and am on duty with the wonderful Patrick (who can be found here) starting Friday. It shouldn't be too bad, since it's Thanksgiving break and most people are probably leaving campus.

Dang, I love this playlist. This is exactly what I'm in the mood for right now.

In fact, this entire feeling is exactly what I'm in the mood for right now. Relaxed, not stressed anymore, and veeeeeery chill.

Shoot. I just remembered that I was going to start working on my novel again tonight! I'm going to go do that. Love ♥

I don't want to be here...

I don't. I don't want to face them, I don't want to address this...I just want it to be summer. Only three and a half weeks, and I'll home, and it'll be summer, and I'll be around people who I KNOW don't talk behind my back. Here, though...I'm not so sure. But until then, I don't want to deal with this. I deactivated my Facebook for that reason. No, I didn't block you, I just decided I didn't want to deal with it, so I deactivated. I'll reactivate in the summer, but not before then. Maybe then all this will wash away and I won't have to face you again.

I realize that what I did was stupid and immature, and I'm truly sorry I let myself do that. But what you don't seem to realize is that it wasn't something little to me. It was my best friend telling me I wasn't good enough for her, and that's the worst way to hurt me. It's what I fear most about any friendship -- not being good enough. So thank you for pushing it into my face how much better you are at all things than I am, but I'd rather not listen anymore. Therefore I removed myself from the situation and not letting myself stoop as low as I did ever again. This is the last of it. I give up...not to say you win, just that I give up. It's not worth fighting for anymore. I don't think you were the type of friends I really wanted in the first place.

So. Now that that's done...I'm moving on. I'm going to focus on my studying these next three weeks, and I'm going to fully prepare myself for everything (academically speaking). It's going to be a hell of a lot of work, but now that I don't have Facebook to distract me, it shouldn't be as difficult as it was. Now I just have to stay off of Twitter a little more. :S haha

That's what's going on with me. I haven't written my novel in waaaaaaaay too long...but I just don't have time. I got my Honors paper done a little bit ago, and then I have my Bio paper due Wednesday, and World Lit paper due next Tuesday. And my World Lit project...hmmm...I need inspiration for that. I've got a good idea, I just need to find a way to really tie it to the class. Oh well...I'll figure it out.

I had a pretty good Easter break...spent 3 of the 4 evenings with Ryan. :D That's always fun...well, not always, seeing as we had one of our relationship talks again...how it works and why we're okay with it being so unusual and him reassuring me that it's okay that I'm not perfect and me crying and blah blah blah. But that was only one night, so we're good for a while. :) We watched "A Beautiful Mind" which I've never seen in its entirety before, and I absolutely LOVED it. John Nash reminds me of Ryan...I wonder if my boyfriend is schizophrenic...:S lol...


And then tonight for CU Dems we watched "Milk" and ate nachos from Q'doba, which were delish! And the movie was one of the best I've ever seen, honestly. I'm not gay, but it made me want to be a gay rights activist of the 70's! :D My parents were married in 1978, the year everything really happened for Harvey Milk (including his assassination). Odd to think about my parents being the age of a lot of those activists.


I'm starting this new optimism thing, just to try it out. I'll let you know how it works. ;)