Pride and Prejudice, internet creepers, and duty calls - oh my!

It's been an interesting Easter break so far...

• Might've found an apartment
• Got a job (yayyy!)
• Friends' relationship highs and lows
• Cried my eyes out a couple times for something not worth it
• Gained and lost an internet creeper in one day
• More calls on the duty phone in the last couple days than I've had all year
• I don't even know.

Uuugh.

Life is so weird sometimes.

And I don't even need your love

I have my bad days, and I have my good days. Lately there have been more bad days than good ones. Today was a good one, all things considered.

Life is hard, you know?

I have things complicating my thoughts. I have to do my job, I have to find a new job, I have to find an apartment, I have certain people sitting in my mind and refusing to leave, I have diseases to manage, and I have school. Even if I didn't have the other things to do, I don't think I'd be able to completely tackle school.

And I am so unmotivated to do it...any of it. I want to leave. I want to get on a train and go where it takes me. I want to disappear for the weekend and see if anyone notices. I want to be good at something, the way some people are good at reading people or at creating poetry or at flirting. I am finding that I am mediocre at all these different things but not good at any of them in particular. I mean, I'm good at math and grammar but a) what are those going to do for me, and b) there are plenty of people who are so much better at them.

I've been stuck in a rut of complacency. I need to get out of here.

Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill

Have you ever wanted to know what it feels like? Depression, that is.

It feels like this.

It feels like that, and it feels like confusion, drifting, apathy, pretending, hiding, anger, irrational annoyance, and shame, because what do I have to be sad about? My life is not that bad. But then when I think about it I keep finding all these reasons why it sucks. And then I think about all the people and things that make me happy, and it doesn't suck quite so much.

So maybe I'm a depressed optimist? I don't know. (oh, I say I don't know a lot when I have my depressive episodes)


Anyway, I broke down in the endocrinologist's office the other day for the third appointment in a row. So for the first time, my doctor wants me to start up counseling to focus on diabetes, because that's such a huge factor in it. She said that maybe doing that will help to relieve some of my stress and anxiety about it, which will help improve my blood sugars. Plus it'll help me get back to at least a neutral state, so maybe then I can start taking a little more control of my life.

I made the appointment the next day. It's funny how just setting up the appointment makes you feel just a little better. Other things that also make it better: people who are naturally happy (rather than trying to make me happy, because that's trying to fix it and that's not what I need), people who understand, my service trip group (because in Alabama it was like my depression didn't really exist, so now I associate that whole experience with happiness).

Song of the week:

If love is a labor, I'll slave til the end.

I hate this.

I'm too needy. I try to stop, and I just can't. I can't stop expressing my feelings, and I don't understand how other people do it. I just don't get it. I feel too much.

edit: At least I painted a little tonight. I like how these two backgrounds turned out.

Signed sincerely, me

Yep, I'm doing it. I'm writing a post about not writing.

It's been a long time since I've written something real...on here, at least. That crap poem where I couldn't put into  words how much I felt doesn't count - a) because I couldn't put into words how much I felt, and b) because I wrote it in a notebook first. Also, I wrote a letter the other night (that made me cry because I was so overwhelmed with everything I wanted to convey), and it will be on its way to the recipient very very soon (I promise). So I have done a little writing, yes, but not like this. This is stream of consciousness, flowing straight from my fingertips, less thought-out and deliberate writing.

Why, though?

I don't really know. Maybe I haven't had time to collect thoughts about any particular subject. Maybe I've just kind of been floating along the last few weeks and haven't actually felt passionate about any particular subject. Maybe it's that I don't want to share everything with...well, everybody.

Of the three options I've just allowed myself to consider, I think it would have to be the last one that is most likely to be the cause of this writer's block(?). It's quite possible that some of the subjects about which I've wanted to write are too much to share here. It's possible that they might be looking at this post right now.

#whoops

Also for that reason, I have not been sharing nearly as much personal information as I usually do...well, anywhere. Because I don't know who's seeing this or my Tumblr or anything else, I don't want to overstep boundaries that might exist or cause awkward situations that are only going to break my heart. I'm usually so willing to share everything with everyone, and now I'm wondering why. If I put everything out there, where's the mystery? It's the mystery that makes people crazy, makes them think and analyze and crave.

Sometimes I wish I could focus on certain people and see what they do. It would make things so much easier. But then I know that I wouldn't want to use that power, for fear of not seeing what I hoped.

So basically, I think about you a lot, and all I can do is hope that you do the same. Except about me. Because you shouldn't think about yourself as much as I think about you. That's just conceited, and you're not like that.

This rambling post brought to you by the 1:30 AM version of Ali G.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

(credit to Bill for the e-card)

My friend (a fellow diabadass and one of my closest friends) and I were talking one day, and we came to a realization…having diabetes messes you up.

A lot of diabetics (myself included) have had emotional/mental health issues in their lives. I personally have struggled with an obsession with perfection. One friend had an eating disorder. Another dropped out of high school. When you stop to think about it, having diabetes has a huge impact on your life.

I don’t know if it’s chemical - it could be, but I’m not so sure that it’s true. I think it’s more about having to fight to survive, relying on insulin to stay alive each and every day, being forced to live a stressful life full of needles and numbers. It’s the stares when you’re out in public, it’s the questions that you say you don’t mind answering, it’s especially the people who say, “I admire you. I don’t think I could do what you do,” because when it comes down to it, you either do it or you die. So you do it. You don’t think you can, but you have to.

Diabetes creates this anger deep down in you. There’s a feeling that you weren’t supposed to make it, that the fact that you’re alive when one of your very vital organs doesn’t work at all isn’t right. That you have to live like this forever (or at least until an adequate cure is found). That your disease is influencing your life enough that you’re making a career out of it. That people think they understand when they really don’t. That people would do anything for you not to suffer - your dad would give you his pancreas if he could, your mom would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

So yeah, in a way, diabetes messes you up.

Happiness is just outside my window

I'm thankful daily for the people in my life. Today, it's especially Elane, Steph, Patrick, and Andrew.

I'll explain why later. Much later, when I don't have a test tomorrow, lab the next day, 5 hours of class the next day, 10 hours of class the day after that, and 2 tests next week. So basically, I won't be saying much for a week.

Sorry. :(

The weakness, the sadness, the sirens, the madness

The pounding in your chest...like you're racing the street in an ambulance.

I don't know how to feel today. It's almost like I don't want to be happy right now. I just feel like being bitchy. Yikes.

I'm attributing it to my lack of sleep and the crappy duty from last night. There were just things to deal with, people who wouldn't stop talking...blah. I was up until 4:15 and then had to get up at 7:15 to pick up a friend and go volunteer at Project Homeless Connect Omaha (which is really amazing...so many resources for the homeless community of Omaha!). Plus I had the duty phone, which I really didn't want to be carrying around with me at PHCO because...well, why would I? Also, it snowed last night. Thank God I didn't fall this time.

I was parked in the garage, which is halfway across campus. Then I couldn't find a parking spot to fit my car, so I ended up going back to the garage after dropping off Elane (aforementioned friend) at PHCO. Then I ran back to drop off the duty phone at the front desk because it was finally 8:00, then ran to PHCO to check in. Whew.

My PHCO clients took longer than expected, mostly because there were two of them and only one of me. So I got out of there about an hour later than I had planned on, which was fine. Then I had a meeting at 12:45, which went very well, but immediately after that I had to go do two other things on campus before I had to work at 2:00...uggggh. Then I worked til 5, and then I had to check in for duty for the second night in a row. Now I'm working at the desk again, and it's fine. I'm just sick of dealing with people and I want them to read my mind.

So it's been a crazy day with hardly any time to just take a breath.



Yesterday, however, was really relaxing up until the evening. It was wonderful - I slept for 9 hours, got a free cupcake, helped some friends out...beautiful. But then duty happened, and people had their super-sassy pants on and I wasn't feeling that. My mood just kept steadily decreasing until I finally just let go while Eric was hugging me. All I needed was to be held for a second - really, that's all I ever need.

Maybe it's just been building up all week. Starting with the tests that didn't go well because I didn't feel like trying, followed by a talk with my boss that I never really planned to have (and actually have never had with anyone else, even Patrick or Steph - btw you two, feel free to ask if you want to know), then possibly unintentionally (and regrettably) putting myself in the friend category with someone...then last night...then today...blaaaaaaaaah.

Good things did happen, though - spring training for next year's ResLife staff, lunch with same someone, lunch with others, going out with friends from home...lovely. Got re-hired for camp, getting an email instead of an interview for the job I had last summer, interview for the job I actually want this summer in a couple days...fantastic. But this mood just isn't going away.

I need sleep.

I ran to the tower where the church bells chimed...

...and I hoped that they would clear my mind. They left a ringing in my ear, but that drum's still beating loud and clear.

I went to Mass with my mom yesterday back home.

I've been thinking lately that maybe church is what's missing. Maybe I just need to rebuild my relationship with God and the Church to figure out my life.

The thing is, I think I already have a pretty good relationship with God. But that means that I have my own beliefs...which are not necessarily the same as an organized religion's.

The priest focused his homily on foundations. The Gospel reading was Matthew 7: 21-27 - foundations. The wise man builds his house on rock, unlike the fool who builds his on sand. We're supposed to build our faith on the teachings of the Church, and it'll become our rock. With the Church as our foundation, we can't go wrong.





Right?

But I have my rock. My rock is made of the people I love. My rock is the belief that God is love - all-encompassing, unending, unwavering love. As Father Greg Boyle, S.J., said, "This is a God who's too busy loving you to be disappointed." I think God loves every person. He created us all, didn't he? Didn't He make us exactly the way we were to be made? So how could he possibly NOT love us? God loves us. That is my rock, my foundation.

Then why is the Church grinding my rock into sand?

How is it, then, that if we are supposed to love our neighbor, if God truly loves us...how does it possibly add up that we can't let love happen? Why can't people I love so much love each other?

Yes, this is turning from a religious rant into an LGBTQ rights rant.

Love is love. You can't tell people I love that they can't love each other based on which gender they are. You can't keep them from loving each other by withholding the ability to marry. That's not how love works. The heart works, regardless of a piece of paper. But it would be nice to allow them that sanctity, the ability to prove that they will love no one else the way they love each other for the rest of their lives.

Also, this is becoming a save-the-world rant.

We just sit there in the gorgeous brick building, filled with heat or air conditioning that's so plentiful we complain about it, listening a man wearing a robe stitched with sparkling gold-colored threads, under a crucifix hand-carved of bleached wood. What good is any of that doing for the world? Why do we have such nice things when so many people have none, and why are we enjoying them when we could actually be doing something worthwhile?

I felt like I needed to leave partway through Mass. Just run, drive away to where no one could hear me, and scream. Scream in frustration at living such a privileged life and not realizing how much I don't deserve until now. Scream in fear for the rest of my life, afraid to lose this. Scream in confusion, not knowing where to start to make sense of it all.

So all in all, going to church at home made it worse. Thankfully, I'm at Creighton, where a lot of people seem to feel similarly. A lot of those people happen to be my friends.

I think I need to start going to St. John's more, but not St. Patrick's.

In the shadow of your heart

It's not about him this time.

"Then in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat. I tried to find the sound, but then it stopped and I was in the darkness, so darkness I became."

I feel like I'm constantly applying for friendship. Doing things to make people like me, make them want to be around me like I want to be around them. I've achieved that with very few people, and you're not helping me with it. Like I said, counting down the days until you get sick of me.

Hey, boys.

Boys of friends.

Boy friends of friends.

Boyfriends of friends.

Don't treat my friends like crap.

I'm not okay with that.



Also, please learn how to use grammar correctly. I Hate It When You Type Like This.

This is the story of a girl

I really don't like being around mean people. Honestly, I kind of can't stand it.

I always like people until they give me a reason not to. Sometimes, they give me a reason to dislike them right away, and then it's really hard for me to get back to a spot where I can be okay with them. But that's not the story I'm telling right now.

Mean people. Why? Why are you like that? I don't understand. What makes you feel so good about making other people feel so terrible? Sure, your comments might get some laughs. But what's the point?

The biggest problem I have with mean people is that they make me feel like crap. Since I try to always see the best in people, I turn most of my negative feelings on myself (as I'm sure you've noticed). So then when other people say negative things about me, it hurts even worse than it probably should. One person in particular does this to me. Usually I think he's pretty cool and I enjoy being around him. Often he has those moments where I think, "Wow, he's just really amazing." And then he has those moments where I think, "What the hell? Where is my friend and who's this asshole that replaced him?"

He can tear people down sooo easily, especially me. I constantly feel like I'm being judged when I'm around him, and that feeling has always been one of my biggest issues. There are times when I want to leave dinner just so I don't have to be around him. Some of my friends can get past this easily and see him as just a wonderful person, but I can't get to that point. I think he's great, but not all the time.

*rant over*

Sometimes your first scars won't ever fade away

In three days it will be a year
since I walked out of your house
with no intent to return
rivers from my eyes
as your face crumpled in pain

But now I can't get you
out of my thoughts
and I need to bring you up
in conversations with people
who either hate you already
or never knew you at all

Tell me this:
why the fuck do I still care?
What's the point
in thinking of you anymore?
I give up.
Finally, I'm done dealing
with the memories I left with.

There goes my life

It started off this morning with that song. Watching some countdown on CMT, top 40 songs of the decade or something? Nothing better to watch, so resorting to that after half an hour of flipping through channels. Watching parts of the video, interviews with people who know their country music.

Tears are flowing out of my eyes as my mom walks in the door, so I turn and hide them, busy myself by putting away the laundry I just folded. They're gone as quickly as they came, and I try to forget them.



Mom says I need to call Dr. MacCashland to get my biopsy results. I hold it together through the phone call, thinking maybe they won't return. As I walk away from the kitchen, though, there's no stopping them.



Strolling through Walmart to get groceries, they nearly make a return. I realize how lonely I am without someone to hold me, tell me I'm still normal, walk me through the aisles to find everything I can still eat.

Then I finish Mockingjay tonight. Damn, that book is tough to get through. The last chapter and the epilogue tear me apart, rip me to shreds, and I'm blinded again. Forcing myself to inhale deeply and push the saltwater back down.

So many tears today.

Sick and tired

I'm sick and tired.

I'm sick because I have been since I was 8, and now there's more wrong with me.
I pray for one disease over another, because one can be fixed.
I already have one that will last forever and a deficiency that goes along with it, and I don't want to add another one.
Fuck, I don't want to add another disease at all, but I have to pray and hope and wish that I have the one that will make less of an impact on my life.
Another pill? Sure, that's fine. I can deal with taking pills for the rest of my life. I already do that.
Changing my eating habits? I'm not so okay with that.

I want to be less different, and now I'm even more so.

I talk about my diseased state all the time. I tell you it's my favorite thing to talk about, which isn't really the truth. It's just the subject I know most about and which you don't know much about, so I can talk a lot. I like talking.
What I hate, though, is being diseased. I will never not be sick. And you know what? That sucks.
I fucking hate being diabetic. I hate having hypothyroidism. I hate the possibility of having Celiac. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

I'm tired, and going to bed but not to sleep because I can't fall asleep thinking about how sick I am.

I'm sick and tired of being sick.

Gone crazy - back in a few

Days, that is.

I have 6 tests in the next 5 days. One every day, with 2 on Friday. Gahhhh.

At least they're all at 1:00pm, except for one at 8:00am on Friday.

Schedule:
-Monday - Pharmaceutics
-Tuesday - Communications
-Wednesday - Biochemistry
-Thursday - Calculations
-Friday - Health Systems & Patient Safety, Top 100 Drugs

By "Top 100 Drugs," I mean that I have to have 100 drugs memorized. This includes all brand names, generic names, and pharmacologic classes. Woot!

But Friday at 3:00pm, I will be done. I will have survived my first semester of pharmacy school, managing to get all A's and B's. My GPA might take a slight hit with the potential 3 B's, but I know for a fact that I'm going to get an A in Communications, and in HSPS too (if I miss less than 9 on the final). B's are possible/likely for Pharmaceutics, Biochemistry, and Calculations. I'll be okay this semester, but I really need to be a better student next semester if I'm going to keep my Presidential Scholarship for next year. I need that thing, and I have to have at least a 3.3 cumulative GPA to maintain it. I mean, it is 3/4 of my tuition.

Good thing I'm saving thousands of dollars by being an RA.

Fecal Findings in the Ali-vator

It's National Hug Your RA Day.

And you know what I got for it?

I got to deal with a displaced shoulder from "falling out of bed," remove a pizza box with shit in it from an elevator, and check on 8 girls who were stuck in a different elevator.

You know what I DIDN'T get for it?

A hug from a resident. :(

Props to Bill for the title of this post.

A rap about St. Ignatius...it's what you've always wanted!

Watching this video was our assignment for one of our classes today.

Take a look. It's life-changing.

I'll be your distraction

I just found this, because I was curious about the Zodiac. Interesting...

From here

Virgo(August 23 - Sept. 22)

• House: Sixth
• Gemstone: Sapphire
• New age : Peridot, amazonite
• Color: Navy blue, taupe
• Opposite sign: Pisces
• Least Compatible with: Aries,Aquarius
• Ruling Planet : Mercury
• Element: Earth
• Anatomy ruled: Abdomen, intestines
• Flower: Pansy
• Most compatible with: Taurus, Capricorn and Virgo
• Tarot card: IX The Hermit
• Usually:Organized, thorough, humane and thoughtful.
• Can be:Critical, particular, irritable and untidy.

Spanish Pop Music FTW

I just wanted to share this video with you guys. It's basically amazing, and something else I've rediscovered this week. Hahahahaha :)