It's all about attitude right now

Really.

I normally hate it when people say "choose your attitude" or something like that, mostly because when I'm in a depressive state I can't do that. It's not that simple. But right now, I'm seeing a lot of negativity on all my social networks - whether it's from my classmates about the pharmacology test coming up in 9.5 hours, or from my friends in a meeting I had to miss in order to study (so maybe it's a good thing I missed it? I dunno), or from myself dealing with certain people. I see it, and it's oddly irritating to me right now.

I don't need to hate people. I don't want to hate people, especially when there's not a specific reason other than that they aren't doing what I want them to. So maybe instead of focusing energy in a spiteful and negative direction, I'm feeling the will to channel it into my studies and really do well on this test. (still gonna hold a grudge, though. just not as venomous)

Oddly enough, I'm feeling better about learning and memorizing all these cancer drugs than I've felt about any other drug class we've studied in pharmacology. I've got about 1 and 1/4 lectures left to listen to, and then a couple powerpoints to go through. I can do that by 3:30 (about 2 hours from now). Unpopular opinion, with my classmates at least: I think the anti-cancer drugs are pretty cool. Yeah, there's a lot of them that we have to memorize and they all do different things, but the names give me hints as to how they work. I wish all drugs were like that...but alas, they are not. Anyway, I feel like I could do well on this test.

So like Elane and I talked about this afternoon, all I have to do is say "I AM going to do well. I AM going to get a good grade on this test." Good advice from Elane's mama right there. I'm going to stop saying I might, or I could, or maybe. I'm taking out the wishy-washiness of those statements. Either I'm not going to do well, or I am going to do well. It's up to me.

I'm going to stay focused. I'm going to do well on this test.

Maybe it's my finals-focus-mode coming in to play early. Maybe it's that I started working in an actual pharmacy and am already getting more comfortable with drugs. I don't know, but I hope it sticks around. I'm done whining about things being too hard, at least for tonight. Life is really busy right now, but it's been really busy before and it's going to be really busy again. I'll get through it. People sometimes don't do what I want. I'll get over it.

Tomorrow (okay, well technically today, whatever) is going to include a well-above-passing grade on the pharmacology test, 2 hours of paying attention in therapeutics, and a run. I've got about 2 weeks' worth of unused exercise energy all stored up, and I need to start using it. Hopefully duty won't be too bad (4/20, ugh dumb), and I'm going to buy some scrubs this weekend for work. I'm working 12 hours next week since we don't have any tests, it's our last week of lab and case studies for the semester, and I'm going to finally have the chance to hang out with some people I've been missing. Life is alright.

Well then. This was a lot longer than I expected it to be. If I'm going to get this studying done in the next 2 hours, I should get to it! Much love, my friends.

I must become the lion-hearted girl

It's time to organize my life.

I've got five tests left of my first year of pharmacy school. Four of them are in two weeks (one Monday, two Tuesday, one Wednesday), and one is the next Wednesday. Until then, I have time to study a couple hours every day and really get prepared for them - I need to prepare for them. My grades have not been so hot this semester, and I definitely know the reasons why. Now that we're at the end of the year, it's time to take care of those reasons and do as well as I can. It all started today with my first 100% on a test this year! Too bad the class is pass/fail...

Outside of classes, there are things I need to take care of in my personal life as well. I'm more content with my life right now than I have been in a long time, which is really great. I have more and more days where I can tell myself I'm worth it, that I look nice, that I am someone to love. I told Scott last night that for once, I feel like I can do it. What it is I can do, I'm not quite sure...but I can do it. I'll figure it out. I'm still scared. I'm confused, and I'm lost, and I'm afraid. But that's not taking over my life right now.

Fear is necessary sometimes, and it tells us that we're doing something big, something that matters. It could be dealing with a part of your life you've never acknowledged before, or realizing that these people you love won't be here with you forever (or you won't be here with them forever), or deciding between living across the world for a while and staying with the people you need in your life. Whatever the source of our fear, the fact that it exists tells us that life is about to change, no matter what happens. Something's going to be different, and we've got to deal with it.

But we're not alone. We're never alone.

Happiness is just outside my window

I'm thankful daily for the people in my life. Today, it's especially Elane, Steph, Patrick, and Andrew.

I'll explain why later. Much later, when I don't have a test tomorrow, lab the next day, 5 hours of class the next day, 10 hours of class the day after that, and 2 tests next week. So basically, I won't be saying much for a week.

Sorry. :(

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are, because He made you perfectly."

Before I begin, a side note: I think I just fell in love with Taio Cruz's "I'll Never Love Again."

Today. Today started off with very little sleep, but a little more than the night before. Alarm at 6:30, up around 6:50. To the classroom at 7:00, test at 8:00. Lunch consisting of junk food in the library studying for test #2. Test at 2:30. I didn't do as well as I had hoped on either of the tests, but I guess that's kind of what happens when your professors are terrible at scheduling exams and give you three in two days.

(I guess it's also kind of due to the fact that I didn't pay attention in class and spent less time studying for these than the one yesterday, but I'm going to blame other people because that makes me feel less terrible about myself.)
Anyway, so then I had some time off to sit around, chill, and clean up a little bit. Then I had a professional meeting (Midwest College of Clinical Pharmacists, woot!) at 5:30 - baked potatoes included, yum - which focused on INSULIN THERAPY MANAGEMENT. Yessssssssss. I was fascinated, enthralled, and engaged for every second of that presentation. And it wasn't even that great - I just love learning more and more about my disease/future career. So it was great, and I was ecstatic leaving the meeting at 7:00.

Some of my excitement, however, may have been because Wine Tuesday had then arrived. I chilled with my ladies, drank some cheap but delicious wine, and enjoyed being alive for a couple hours. It was beautiful.

So overall, I actually kind of ended up enjoying today. It really wasn't terrible like I thought it was going to be.

Also, I'm hoping Steph feels less stressed out soon! Sending lots of love her way.






Still angry. Made a list of reasons today, which ended up being a lot longer than I originally thought. Eh, we'll see how it goes.

Gone crazy - back in a few

Days, that is.

I have 6 tests in the next 5 days. One every day, with 2 on Friday. Gahhhh.

At least they're all at 1:00pm, except for one at 8:00am on Friday.

Schedule:
-Monday - Pharmaceutics
-Tuesday - Communications
-Wednesday - Biochemistry
-Thursday - Calculations
-Friday - Health Systems & Patient Safety, Top 100 Drugs

By "Top 100 Drugs," I mean that I have to have 100 drugs memorized. This includes all brand names, generic names, and pharmacologic classes. Woot!

But Friday at 3:00pm, I will be done. I will have survived my first semester of pharmacy school, managing to get all A's and B's. My GPA might take a slight hit with the potential 3 B's, but I know for a fact that I'm going to get an A in Communications, and in HSPS too (if I miss less than 9 on the final). B's are possible/likely for Pharmaceutics, Biochemistry, and Calculations. I'll be okay this semester, but I really need to be a better student next semester if I'm going to keep my Presidential Scholarship for next year. I need that thing, and I have to have at least a 3.3 cumulative GPA to maintain it. I mean, it is 3/4 of my tuition.

Good thing I'm saving thousands of dollars by being an RA.