Ricochet. Take your aim. Fire away, fire away.

I've been avoiding this.

I don't know how to explain everything that's happened in the last 3 months.

Most of you know already, so I guess I'm just going to skip over most of it.

Basically, I am not the same person I was just a few months ago. I have no idea where my life is headed. I don't even know what the next 3 months have in store for me. I have never been so emotionally stable in my life. I don't even have enough money in my checking account to pay rent this month (thankfully I do in my savings, though). I'm taking a year off from school - or at least I think that's the plan. I'm not currently registered for any classes. That could change. Who knows?

The strangest part of all this is that I am completely okay. I feel like things are just washing over me, like everything is actually going to work out in my favor at some point.

Like I said, emotionally stable.

Approximately a week and a half ago, I was actually able to flip a switch and completely turn off my feelings for someone for the first time ever. I've never understood how people go from intense attraction to "just friends" so easily, but I'm finding out how it is to have a normal range of emotions. I'm beginning to be more reasonable, to be able to isolate myself from a situation and know that things are not my fault.

It is the strangest feeling.

And even with the stability, I'm still able to express my emotions fully. I am sad when I should be, I am (usually) happy when I should be, I am angry when I should be. It's when I lose the control I have over those emotions that the depression starts creeping in, but that happens so much less now.

So, to wrap up this update, I'm starting a new job this week, trying to determine plans for a weekend trip to Minnesota, being artsy when I feel like it, working out consistently, figuring out my insulin pump, and allowing myself to feel attractive/recognize that people actually are attracted to me. I am starting to be the best me, and it feels so good.

P.S. - Looking over the past few weeks' Post Secrets, I just can't help but wonder if people have secrets that involve me and who/what they are. Secrets are so fascinating to me. I can't even decide what mine would be.

Who am I?

This was already in my journal. I'm thinking it's appropriate for tonight.


I am a girl who loves most people more than they deserve. I am driven by feelings and sometimes that overwhelms me. I am scared of most forms of pain, so it takes a lot of encouragement to put myself out there. At the same time, I love attention, so every once in a while I'll belt out a song or turn heads on the dance floor. As soon as I'm criticized, I never want to do that activity again - at least not in front of the critic. I am trying to stop refusing compliments, but that takes a lot of work. I am lost sometimes. Okay, maybe a lot of the time. I don't know where exactly my life is headed. But I have plenty of friends who love me for all that I am and who are more than happy to help me find my way back to reality when I need it. I have friends who understand my emotions and know how it feels when they don't make sense. I have friends who don't ever want me to change the core of who I am, even when I'm unable to see it.


So I guess that's me in a nutshell, and I'm okay with it. Nearly every other person in my life is okay with it too - more than okay with it, really.

It's all about attitude right now

Really.

I normally hate it when people say "choose your attitude" or something like that, mostly because when I'm in a depressive state I can't do that. It's not that simple. But right now, I'm seeing a lot of negativity on all my social networks - whether it's from my classmates about the pharmacology test coming up in 9.5 hours, or from my friends in a meeting I had to miss in order to study (so maybe it's a good thing I missed it? I dunno), or from myself dealing with certain people. I see it, and it's oddly irritating to me right now.

I don't need to hate people. I don't want to hate people, especially when there's not a specific reason other than that they aren't doing what I want them to. So maybe instead of focusing energy in a spiteful and negative direction, I'm feeling the will to channel it into my studies and really do well on this test. (still gonna hold a grudge, though. just not as venomous)

Oddly enough, I'm feeling better about learning and memorizing all these cancer drugs than I've felt about any other drug class we've studied in pharmacology. I've got about 1 and 1/4 lectures left to listen to, and then a couple powerpoints to go through. I can do that by 3:30 (about 2 hours from now). Unpopular opinion, with my classmates at least: I think the anti-cancer drugs are pretty cool. Yeah, there's a lot of them that we have to memorize and they all do different things, but the names give me hints as to how they work. I wish all drugs were like that...but alas, they are not. Anyway, I feel like I could do well on this test.

So like Elane and I talked about this afternoon, all I have to do is say "I AM going to do well. I AM going to get a good grade on this test." Good advice from Elane's mama right there. I'm going to stop saying I might, or I could, or maybe. I'm taking out the wishy-washiness of those statements. Either I'm not going to do well, or I am going to do well. It's up to me.

I'm going to stay focused. I'm going to do well on this test.

Maybe it's my finals-focus-mode coming in to play early. Maybe it's that I started working in an actual pharmacy and am already getting more comfortable with drugs. I don't know, but I hope it sticks around. I'm done whining about things being too hard, at least for tonight. Life is really busy right now, but it's been really busy before and it's going to be really busy again. I'll get through it. People sometimes don't do what I want. I'll get over it.

Tomorrow (okay, well technically today, whatever) is going to include a well-above-passing grade on the pharmacology test, 2 hours of paying attention in therapeutics, and a run. I've got about 2 weeks' worth of unused exercise energy all stored up, and I need to start using it. Hopefully duty won't be too bad (4/20, ugh dumb), and I'm going to buy some scrubs this weekend for work. I'm working 12 hours next week since we don't have any tests, it's our last week of lab and case studies for the semester, and I'm going to finally have the chance to hang out with some people I've been missing. Life is alright.

Well then. This was a lot longer than I expected it to be. If I'm going to get this studying done in the next 2 hours, I should get to it! Much love, my friends.

I can do better

Y'all.

Don't underestimate my ability to hold a grudge.

I'm a mess of emotions, yes. This is a well-known fact. But I think it helps me in responding to people in the way that they need when they need it. So if something great happens in your life I'm going to be happy for you, and when something sucks in your life I'm going to empathize, even when I don't really want to. But I've got enough of the red-headed stubbornness and temper to be able to hold a grudge for a long time.

I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it's neither. It keeps me from interacting too much with people that make me miserable...but at the same time I feel bad about it because I am a people-pleaser. So I dunno.

Usually people are able to make things up to me with a little effort. But not always.

This has been a post.

I drowned out all my sense

...That's what you get when you let your heart win.


The next month is going to be tough, let me tell you that.


I can do this.


I can do this.


I can do this.


Easter break was full of weird happenings and life alterations and craziness (see my last post). But now that all of that has happened and I've had a couple episodes of dead-to-the-world thinking, I'm feeling more able to put things into perspective. I reminded myself of some good advice that Shannon sent my way last summer, originally from an awesome blog called The Frenemy. I even typed it out onto a sticky note on my computer desktop so that I could see it every day...and maybe made it my cover photo on Facebook...and maybe even wrote it out and hung it above my desk.

Now is the time when I start pulling my life together. In the last couple months, I lost a lot of sense. It's time to toughen up and stop avoiding things (again). It's time to stay tough, stay confident. Because life is weird and difficult and confusing and frustrating at times - hell, most of the time. But life is also pretty awesome, and living is worth the work. So it's going to be a really trying month or so until finals are over, but you know what?


I can do this.


I can do anything, riiiiight?


Right.

And I don't even need your love

I have my bad days, and I have my good days. Lately there have been more bad days than good ones. Today was a good one, all things considered.

Life is hard, you know?

I have things complicating my thoughts. I have to do my job, I have to find a new job, I have to find an apartment, I have certain people sitting in my mind and refusing to leave, I have diseases to manage, and I have school. Even if I didn't have the other things to do, I don't think I'd be able to completely tackle school.

And I am so unmotivated to do it...any of it. I want to leave. I want to get on a train and go where it takes me. I want to disappear for the weekend and see if anyone notices. I want to be good at something, the way some people are good at reading people or at creating poetry or at flirting. I am finding that I am mediocre at all these different things but not good at any of them in particular. I mean, I'm good at math and grammar but a) what are those going to do for me, and b) there are plenty of people who are so much better at them.

I've been stuck in a rut of complacency. I need to get out of here.

And by morning we'll be free

This post's title is courtesy of "What's Left of the Flag" by Flogging Molly, in the spirit of St. Patrick's Day. I've been digging that song a lot lately, and the line seemed applicable to the short post you're about to read.

Late at night/early in the morning is my prime awake time. I rarely, if ever, fall asleep before 2:00am - even less often before 1:00, and almost never before midnight. My brain is churning and I just can't imagine going to sleep.

I think about everything I possibly can, and it's a little ridiculous. Late-night thoughts are weird ones, which makes it such a good time to do that type of thinking. I make plans, I see the way I want things to happen in the future (both near and far), and I get motivated to do things. But like I told someone recently...one of my favorite lyrics - though I don't even know the song* - goes, "What is simple in the moonlight by the morning never is." I've always felt like that, ever since I can remember. I lay in bed, waiting and waiting and waiting for the tides of sleep to wash over me, and I just know what I'm going to do with my life when I wake up in the morning. Then I get to the next day...and it's never that easy.

I can't decide whether I like staying up late and thinking a ton or being so exhausted that I fall asleep immediately (like I did last semester). I don't know if I'll ever figure out the right balance. But as of right now, I think I'm okay with that.

Sorry for waiting a month and a half to write here. I just haven't had any meaningless nonsense to shout out into the abyss for a while. I love you all.

*I'd like to clarify, I am familiar with the song - I just haven't ever cared enough to listen to it. I like the line, that's all.

He sees hope in everyone

I am tired.

I'm tired of trying to fit into the little box that society deems "normal" and I'm done with it. I'm not flexible, and I'm certainly not a contortionist and I'm not willing to try to squeeze into something that cannot possibly contain me. I'm done being limited by people's opinions of what I and others should be.

I've noticed that the people who have been in my life most consistently are those that don't expect or ask for anything but me.

Just a thought.

Happiness throws a shower of sparks

(this is all of my typical advice thrown into one post. to everyone and no one in particular, including myself)

Stop it.

Stop thinking those thoughts that say you're worthless, ugly, terrible.

Stop being surprised when you're told that someone finds you attractive. Why shouldn't they? Look at all the things about you to attract them. There are a lot. Whether it's your laugh, smile, body, personality, whatever. It's damn attractive, and you should believe it.

Stop buying into the songs that tell you how to feel about yourself. You know, the ones that make you subconsciously start disliking parts of you so that you can be proven wrong by someone - "her laugh, she hates it but I think it's so sexy" and "you don't know you're beautiful, and that's what makes you beautiful." I don't want to swear on this blog, but really, F THAT S. Own your beauty. You're awesome. You're allowed to be aware of the fact that you're awesome. Now I'm not saying you have to shove your awesomeness down everyone's throats - they're aware of it too.

Stop with the idea that there's just one person out there for you. Anyone out there could be for you. If you keep thinking there only exists one solitary partner for your life, you're heading down a potentially lonely (and quite frankly boring) path.

Be with the people around you. Get to know them even deeper than you do. Be the one that someone comes to for ice cream to heal a broken heart (many of my friends know that's my solution - and make it good ice cream, like Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Buns or Coldstone's Birthday Cake Remix). Buy a drink for someone (if you're 21+, that is). Offer to drive. If you like something about a person, tell them. Allow someone to buy you a drink...or do what's even more difficult and accept a compliment from them without turning it down and refusing to accept it. Say thanks.

Do something you loooove. I'm not saying it has to be your career. I'm fully aware that I'm not going to be an actual artist someday, but I still let myself paint because I enjoy it. I allow myself to be satisfied with the results.

Let go of regret. As I said in my previous post, "regret is such a pointless emotion, don't you think?" If you're upset about the outcome of something, don't bother wishing you could alter it. Regretting it isn't going to change the outcome. Consider it, learn from it, move on.

These are my current thoughts, my ways that I'm trying to create a happier life for myself. What are yours?

I am done with my graceless heart

Since it's the first day of 2012 (at least as I'm starting this post it is), so I figured I should make my list of resolutions.

1. Be happier.
2. Work out at least 3 times a week.
3. Eat 2 fruits and 2 vegetables a day.
4. Call mom once a week.
5. Enjoy my friends' last semester at Creighton with them.
6. Stop taking things for granted.
7. Let go of regrets; accept things for what they are.

A couple things have stuck with me lately -

I was listening to Shake It Out on our drive home from Kansas City today, and something hit me. I knew I had to listen to it when we left the restaurant after eating lunch. I don't know what it was; I was listening to it and it was just so moving. I even had to let a few tears go, looking out the window to hide them from my parents. Of course I've heard the song before, but it really meant something this time. It was like I knew that today marked a new start, and the lyrics were written to prove it to me:

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

The other thing that struck me was a line from a book I read recently: "Regret is such a pointless emotion, don't you think?" I don't know why, but it just kind of got stuck in my head. I've been thinking about it for the past few days since I finished the book, and how I might sometimes say that I don't have any regrets because I've learned from my mistakes, and how that's not really true. I've been weighed down by regrets in my life - who I loved, how I loved them, things I've done, and things I've allowed to happen. So that's why #7 up there exists. I've decided to start letting things go, or at least trying to do that.

And #1, well...that's most important on that list.

I'll be home for Christmas

Home once again.

For once, I'm actually glad to be here. I know, odd coming from me, right? But it's not like the last few times I've come home. I'm excited to be on winter break, lying in my old bed that's going to make my back ache in the morning. I can't wait for Christmas with family, and I can't help but smile and sing along to the radio. I haven't felt excitement (or hope, for that matter) in a while, but I do now. I guess what's changed this time is me - I feel more like myself than I have in a long time, maybe the whole semester.

I don't know how to explain it, really. The whole semester went so quickly; the beginning flew by and I never was able to catch up, and suddenly it was finals week. Maybe it had to do with the depression I've been in all semester. Actually, that was probably it. For so long I just didn't care about things and didn't want to be around people, and it felt so strange and so horrendous and so fascinating all at the same time. I've never had a depressive episode last so long and be so steady before.

Last weekend, though, right before finals...I've been describing it as "waking up." Suddenly I was more aware of the people around me - I was realizing that I'm not the only person in the world who needs attention, I'm not the only person with problems, I'm not the only one who has things to figure out. I have friends, wonderful friends who deserve my attention and love, and I haven't been treating them like that.

(this is going to get a little heavy, just so you know)

So this is to apologize. Chances are that if you're reading this, you're a friend of mine. So to my dear friends, you are the best. I would go crazy without you, and I've told you before that you keep me alive every day. I need you to tell me to keep fighting, because otherwise I'd forget that a fight's even happening. (I keep picturing it like a war scene from a movie, like LOTR or something equally as awesome. Is that weird? Hmm don't care.) I am battling depression, and when I forget it, that's when I start losing. I am fighting to live, fighting the thoughts that say I'm not worth it, fighting the ideas that death would be so much easier, fighting the urge to just give up. I am fighting this, and the thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that you're at my sides fighting just as hard as I am, if not harder. You're the ones who keep me protected from the monsters trying to tear me down. You're what comes to mind when I think about the worst things, and I realize that I could never hurt you like that. I've known that hurt, and I can't let you feel that way. So I keep fighting. I keep fighting for you, and then I start fighting for me too. I will overpower this. It will be better someday. Hell, it's already thousands of times better, and it'll keep getting better. I'll have setbacks, I know. But somehow, I'll get through them with you there to hold me up. You are the most wonderful people, and I am so lucky to have you in my life. Thank you, and I'm sorry for not fully being me this semester. You deserve the best, and that's what I'll be giving you from now on.

You know, when people asked what changed in the last week, I kept saying that I didn't know. But Rachel helped me to realize it. It was all of you. It was you fighting for me, praying for me, supporting me. It wasn't that you just started, but that I finally figured it out. I can finally see it.

I love you all so very much. Thank you for being so spectacular. I hope you're enjoying your break so far, and I can't wait to hear from you.

Tell me I'm a wreck

Life's been messy lately...but it'll all work out eventually. Don't worry, I'm fine. I'll be fine.

I got a haircut today (thank goodness, because it was starting to get all shaggy and bleh). I love going there to chat with Julie. It's like a salon in a movie or television show; I can tell her all about my life and she loves to listen and offer advice. Haha, she's great. She's always on my side, no matter what the issue is - although usually it's about guys. If I mention someone, she's convinced he's in love with me. If it turns out I'm just friends with him (which is always the case, you know), she tells me he wasn't good enough for me. Gotta love her. :)

Haircut!

While we were chatting today, Julie told me that I need to "let my inner jerk out." She said I'm too sweet and care too much about making other people happy, and I need to put myself first sometimes.

I don't know how I feel about that. I would rather have everyone around me be happy with their lives, so if I can do something for them, I'm going to do it. I don't want to take away from the people around me just to make myself happier.

What do I need? I need the people around me to be happy. And occasionally let me know that they like me. Thankfully I have some really wonderful friends. I've been thinking too much lately, especially about things I don't want to think about, and I just need to remind myself to think of those people instead.

I love you all a lot. A lot a lot. In fact, I can't not love you. Speaking of that, here's the song I've been playing nonstop for the past few days that, interestingly enough, is called that:

I hope you all enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday. Much love from Fremont.

A new fantastic point of view

There do not exist in this world many things better than the look of pure joy on your friends' faces when they're happy to see you.

Whether it's after not seeing them for a week (or a month), returning to them when you thought you'd left for the last time, seeing them after only being away from them a few hours, or passing by them on your way to or from class...there's simply nothing like it. Okay, so this is getting awfully far away from reality for the rest of you, so I'm just going to explain what I'm talking about.

Before we begin, I want to let you know I'm going to get a little faithy here. If you don't want to read about it, I understand and won't be offended. I know I have a lot of friends who are atheists/agnostics/struggling with their personal faith, so I hope you all don't see this as me preaching to you. I'm just going to write about what I felt.


Also, how are Disney songs so fitting? (see this post's title, and keep reading)

Obviously, if you read my last post, you know that I went to Montgomery, AL, on a service trip last week over my fall break. At the time I wrote that one, I was unsure of how to feel about it. I started finally getting excited during lunch the day we were leaving, when I knew it would be a week before I saw the people with whom I was eating. As our departure time approached, that feeling kept building until I was nearly exploding with excitement an hour before we were supposed to leave. I was practically skipping to my room after class got out, and I finished packing and called my mom and was ready to leave half an hour later.

I was the first one from our group to arrive at the vans, which actually was probably for the best. It gave me some time to get all my energy out and settle down before I drove everyone insane. By the time we actually pulled out of the parking lot (on time, believe it or not!), I had returned to my original state - not necessarily excited or nervous, but ready to go.

We stayed in Columbia, MO, that night - a little less than 1/3 of the way to Montgomery - because Eric's parents were so incredibly kind and let us spend the night at their house (Eric, tell your parents thanks again!). On the way there, I had one of the potentially most important conversations I've had in a very long time. I've never spoken so openly about my depression with someone I barely knew...I've never spoken about my depression with someone I barely knew. I for once wasn't overcome with emotion while talking about it, and I was able to see things a little differently because of the questions I was asked. For once, I didn't feel like I was just talking at someone. My listener was interested and curious, and I'm assuming (correct me if I'm wrong) had never really experienced something like that before, so maybe they learned from it too. I hope so.

We went to the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis that Saturday. It's inside the hotel where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was shot, and the entire experience was so surreal. I stood just a few feet from that spot. I looked into the room where he stayed. What?

The National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis, TN
The wreath marks the balcony where Dr. King was standing when he was shot.

Saturday night, we arrived at Resurrection hungry, tired, and worn out from driving 12 hours that day. Somehow we all summoned up the energy to hang out for a little while, but I had to go to bed after a little while. We went to Mass on Sunday and heard from Fr. Manuel one of the most moving homilies I've heard in a long time. I've heard the reading ("Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and give to God what is God's") a countless number of times, but it never really meant much to me. To be honest, I'd associated the entire thing with money. Fr. Manuel spoke about giving ourselves to God, though - He made us, and we are His. (See, I told you it was going to get faithy) So it provided some food for thought, most definitely.

The second thing that struck me about Mass that day was the music. Previously, I'd always thought, "Why is Gospel music such a big thing? Do people really need to be entertained while they're at church? That's not what church is about." Uhh, hello Ali. You were wrong. Experiencing it firsthand made all the difference. I realized partway through Mass how full my heart felt...and if you've been following along, you're probably aware of the fact that I've been struggling with that for a while - struggling with actually feeling something in my chest instead of the pulling weight that's been there for a few weeks. I was happy to be there, happy to be singing along even when I didn't know the words, happy to be seeing all these other happy people. So something occurred to me during the Mass...maybe the South has been doing it right, using music to express their joy and praise for God. I mean, music is where I usually find my peace. So maybe it's not about being entertained during church - maybe it's about being fully present.

The whole group at the Resurrection church picnic:
Mary Clare, Chelsea E., me, Eric, Nolan, Amy
Andi, Chelsea L., Katie, Sarah, Anne, Garret, Anthony
Teresa, Jessica, Kathryn

After Mass, we set up for the church picnic at a reception hall a few minutes away, and then we served and ate some really delicious food. By the end of it, the ladies at my table were force-feeding me the most delicious bundt cake I've ever eaten and pudding and other desserts. I think I gained ten pounds at that picnic alone.

Later in the week, we also got to see the National Civil Rights Center in downtown Montgomery (not to be confused with the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis). Its focus was on some of the people who were brutally killed during the Movement and whose deaths were important but maybe not well-known. It was very small and didn't take long to walk through and read everything, but I got more out of it than the museum in Memphis. At the end, it showed that civil rights has to do with more than just the Movement of the 1960s, that it's something the world is still struggling with tremendously. The very last part of the center was a dark room with a huge screen on one wall with countless names floating down to the floor. It was the Wall of Tolerance, the name of which I didn't really like (I prefer "acceptance" to "tolerance"), but I found it very moving to be inside that room. I wrote a lot in my journal that day, more than doubling the number of pages I'd used for my previous entries. It was definitely a powerful day.

A couple things I wanted to remember from the National Civil Rights Center

Oh man. This post is starting to get way too long. Umm...summary of other things:

I got to hang out with a bunch of 7th graders at Resurrection School, and by the end of the week they actually thought I was cool - possibly because I broke out the Dougie in Sr. Gilda's classroom. They were pretty awesome kids, not gonna lie.

My 7th graders!

I drove around the city with a few others delivering food boxes to some elderly people, which was quite the experience - Ms. Viola was wonderful, telling us to stay in school and making it obvious that she was proud of us for going to college, even though we had just met her.

We had dinner with Ms. Taylor (from the Equal Justice Initiative), Rev. Graetz (the first white preacher to publicly support the Civil Rights Movement), Dr. Hardy (who had been heavily involved with the Movement starting in his teenage years), and Mr. Malden (Nelson Malden, NOT Mandela, who was Dr. King's barber when he lived in Montgomery).

With our special dinner guests

We visited Mr. Malden's barbershop, where the guys trimmed the hairs on their heads. Anthony, Andi, and Garret got haircuts, and Eric got a straight shave.

The guys with Mr. Malden at the barbershop - don't they look great?

We visited the home for disabled adults that's located just behind the church, where I met Bobby, who reminded me a lot of one of my cousins and was really cool.

We had dinner again with Mr. Malden, and also Fr. Manuel, Fr. Fred, Michelle (who was in charge of us for the week), and a few other guests.

We helped to organize and put on Resurrection's annual gala fundraiser event where we met Ms. Bonnie and Ms. Charlotte, and I have never felt so important to two women who I'd just met ever before. I got my Southern accent back for a little bit, and now it's a lot easier for me to slip right back into it (Ms. Bonnie sounds just like my Aunt Judy, who lives in the southern part of Texas). We may have gotten food poisoning from that benefit, but who knows?

My darling Ms. Bonnie!

A lot of us were sick on the way back this past Friday. Mine hit later than everyone else's - they were all sick in the morning, but I didn't get it until we stopped for fried chicken in Memphis that afternoon. It was (of course) worst while I was driving, but I had some Gatorade and water and slept when Katie took over driving for me, and I felt a lot better that night. We stayed at Eric's house again (seriously, Eric, you can't thank your family enough for all they did for us!) and got some really great bonding time in.

If you ever go to Memphis and want some really good fried chicken, go to Uncle Lou's. Seriously, the Sweet Spicy Love  sauce was amazing, and the place has been on the Food Network twice!

I had a couple more conversations that were really critical. I found a kindred spirit whose new friendship I treasure very much, the final drive back into Omaha was again filled with a conversation that was very important, and in the affirmations I received at the very end of the trip, I found something in myself.  All these things, all these conversations...they helped me to uncover something. I don't know if I can define it accurately for you, but it's like the words people said to me that day helped me to find a beauty inside myself. It's still faint, but at least I can see it now. It's a new fantastic point of view, if you will. (eh, you see what I did there?)



"We left as strangers, but we became a family." (credit to Nolan for that one)



So did I come back changed? Maybe a little. But more than that, I came back rejuvenated, with a strengthened voice and a strengthened will to continue to be an advocate for those who are silenced.

This was by no means every detail of the trip - there are so many things I couldn't fit in here, things I'm keeping in my journal and my heart. I'd love to talk with any of you reading this about those things, but for now I'm going to have to be done.

With love, Ali G.

I feel your heartbeat

I'm a little obsessed with The Fray's new single (and The Fray in general, but we all knew that, didn't we?).

Anyway.

I'll be leaving Nebraska at 4:00 Friday afternoon with 15 people I don't really know to go to a place I've never been before (which just so happens to be approximately 17 hours away). That's right, I'm going on my first-ever service trip, and we're headed to Montgomery, Alabama, for a week over fall break. We still don't know exactly what we'll be doing when we get there, but our site has a few different areas where they may need us - an elementary school, a program for elderly adults, and other things. So I guess we'll see! We'll also be helping serve at a Mardi Gras-themed event for our site (Resurrection Catholic Missions). On our way to Montgomery, we'll be going through Memphis and stopping at the National Civil Rights Museum. I really can't wait for that part.

The memorial located where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was shot.

I'm nervous. I'm nervous, and I'm excited, and I'm a little scared. I don't know what I'm going to take away from this - I don't really know what I'm supposed to take away from this. I've always wanted to go on a service trip, but I've never had the motivation to do it like I do this year. A lot of my best friends have at least gone on service trips before, and quite a few are leading some this year. I'm glad I'm doing it, and I'm looking forward to it (although I'm going to be missing out on a lot of study time that I could probably use). I'm taking my unused "pretty" journal - too pretty to ruin by writing in it, at least until now - to keep track of my thoughts and my personal reflections on the trip. Hopefully I'll get a decent amount of time to do that. I'm thinking with at least 34 hours in a van there and back I should be good, haha. But I think I"m going to need it, just to process while I'm there. Heck, if I could take my paints, I probably would...but then I wouldn't get anything done, because I'd be lost in paint all day. By the way, I've been painting again, just a little. I haven't had much time to paint in the last few weeks, but it's okay. I have one that's almost done - a little yellow songbird on a mottled green background - but it doesn't have to be done until December. I'll have plenty of time to finish it!

Back to service trips. It's going to be a different experience (which is obviously the point). Our trip is supposed to have some extra focus on civil rights and the problem our country still has with racism. That's something I'm not really too familiar with, other than coming from a town that is now nationally known as racist. I tended to stay away from the issue while I lived in Fremont. Racism is something I don't really understand. The color of our skin, the shape of our eyes, the fullness of our lips, the texture of our hair...why does that make a difference in how we're treated or how we treat other people? Genetic traits like that do not determine our thoughts, beliefs, or actions, and it astounds me that this is still an issue in our society. I'm sure this will be a big learning experience for me.

A mural I used to drive by every day and admire. Looking at it now I see a wall that doesn't celebrate our full community - only one race.

 What stories will I have to tell? With what sort of experiences will I return? I have no idea. One thing we discussed in our preparatory meetings was having empty hearts - not empty in the sense that we don't care about anything, but empty of our inhibitions and our prejudices, in order to leave room in our hearts to be filled by the people we meet, the things we see, and the experiences we have. So what will be filling my heart when I return to Nebraska? I can't wait to see.

So this will be my last post until after I return from fall break. I'll have to make sure to write a post relatively soon after I return, because although I don't have any tests the first week back, I have three the next week. I'm sure I won't be able to convey everything in one simple post, but I'd love to chat with you all about it.

Look at (most of) my wonderful group!

Until then, so long! Wish me luck? Is that appropriate? Sure it is.


PS - I'm feeling better than I was in my last post...my last few posts, actually. School is hard, and it's been getting me down a lot lately. God, it's so difficult. But I'll survive. Just so you know. Love you all.

13 years

13 years gone like 13 minutes...underwater.

Now that July 18th is over, I think it's time for a little reflection. The day marked the 13th anniversary of my diagnosis with type I diabetes, and to be honest, it was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. It carried a lot of emotion that I hadn't been expecting, and the day in general hurt a lot more than it usually does.

Normally my "diabeteversaries" are happy occasions, days when I get treated to a nice dinner and sometimes even cake! The past few years have been really chill, because after a while it's not such a big deal anymore. I didn't mean for this one to even be a big deal. A Facebook status, a Tumblr post, a tweet or two. Not too much. But I guess it was my own fault that it became a bit bigger, because I talked about this one a lot. I mean, it is kind of interesting that my diabetes is a teenager now. But then I started making it a bigger deal than I even wanted it to be, so much that Claire even made me a cake (which was delicious and so awesome of her - thanks friend!).

It didn't help that my mom sent me this text: "Hey hun, it never ceases to amaze me how much courage you have shown in dealing with your medical conditions. I'm thinking of you on this 13th anniversary. Luv, mama." I overlooked it when I first got it, but when I went to reply later, it just hit me. I wouldn't be alive if it hadn't been for her.

It was a reminder of how fragile my life is, how easily I could lose control, how easily it could kill me. Maybe you don't know this (or maybe you do), but I've had four seizures, including two in my sleep. I've struggled with the temptations of diabulimia (which I'm sure you can find some information about on the Google machine - too much effort to go into it right now), it's been a major source of my depressive times, and I stopped caring for a long time during spring semester this year. No, wait. I didn't just stop caring; I let it take over, I let it get to me. For the first time, I felt defined by it.

Diabetes sucks. It really, really sucks. And I legitimately am sorry that I can't explain it very well to those of you who aren't diabetic. Unfortunately, you just can't know how it affects you unless you have it. I know you can see how it affects me, and you might feel like you get it, but it's just one of those things, you know? One of those things that is just impossible to fully understand until you're the one dealing with it. That's why camp has been so important to me - it's the one place where everyone really understands. I've never had the same connection with another person as I have with Lauren, my best friend from camp. I'm very lucky to have someone like her who understands and has had very similar life experiences.

I apologize for any time ever when I have not been very patient in talking with you about it. I know that you might just want to understand better, or you're curious about how things work. If I have lost my patience (or lose it in the future), please know it's not your fault. I know I have said before that it's my favorite thing to talk about, but if I'm being honest, it's really not. I'm not going to avoid talking about it or try to keep it a secret, but I only talk about it because it's something I can discuss for hours on end.

Another note - please, please spare me the diabetes jokes. They're a lot less funny when that's your reality. Also, they hurt more than you think they do.


I guess what I'm getting at here is that diabetes is a large part of my life. It affects me daily, to an extent you can't imagine. People tell me they couldn't imagine giving themselves shots every day, that I'm so strong and courageous, that they wouldn't be able to do it. I know they mean well, and I really appreciate the sentiment. But honestly, I would trade anything for it. I'm not brave, I'm just trying to stay alive. You might not think you'd be able to do it, but five injections a day is a lot better than dying so that's the option I choose.

So...I guess that kind of covers it. It's confusing and it's messy and it's anything but pleasant. It comes with other issues, it creates a lot of problems, and it's inconvenient. It creates days like this that end in tears, and it hurts - both externally and internally. And now, once again:

Dear future pharmacist Ali,

I have some advice for you.

Remember that at one point, you were a first-year student who didn't know anything. At one time in your life, you didn't know how your pharmacy was run, where to find certain drugs, or what all those abbreviations in the signature on the prescription meant. Once, you had no idea how to take a script over the phone, or how to do a transfer to your pharmacy. You had to learn how to use the computer program and someone had to tell you all the shortcuts.

One day, a student will come into your pharmacy to shadow you. She'll have curly red hair, tons of freckles, and a terrified look on her face. She'll be really nervous because she'll have only spent about 100 hours in a pharmacy total, and she won't even remember a lot of what she learned then. She might have a job that's completely unrelated to pharmacy because she loves it and she needs to make/save money to finish school. She might not be able to answer you when you ask her why she's going into pharmacy. She might not even know if that's really what she wants to do.

That's why you're there. Your actions will be significant in this girl's eyes. You could be a driving force when it comes to her final decision to be a pharmacist. You're there to teach her, to be the one that shows her the tricks and tell her how things work. You'll be important in her life, even if it's only for a few days.

She'll make mistakes, you know she will. But that's why you check everything, because everyone makes mistakes. You'll still make them at times. So my advice to you: be patient. Remember the things your mother taught you about teaching. People generally don't completely understand everything after being told once. Heaven knows you don't! When you have to remind your student of something, say it gently. Don't make her feel like she's an idiot because she didn't already know something. Be patient. Breathe. Remember the time when you were that girl, and how terrible you felt when you forgot something the pharmacist told you or when you made a mistake.

Be patient. She'll learn a lot from you - like what kind of person she's going to be one day.

If I ever get the nerve to say hello

Euphoric.

That's how I felt tonight, sitting on a blanket watching my hometown's fireworks show with my second family. With colors bursting over my head, shattering into a thousand little pieces of light, I wasn't even thinking about anything. Entranced by the fiery sky, I didn't feel the need to hold in my stomach, or to mess with my hair, or to sit in any particular fashion. I felt simple, innocent, happy. Euphoric.

As I reread my most recent post a few minutes ago, I couldn't help but notice how out-of-place the last paragraph seems. I apologize for that. I had meant to end it on a high note, but then I ended up getting all lonely and downhearted again. Life is good, and since I wrote that, all I've been feeling is...I don't really know how to describe it. This sort of...giddiness, maybe? Just feeling happy to be alive. There are so many things that I am able to do and so many things that I want to do and it's wonderful.

I have better friends than I could even ask to have - ones who send me letters, play songs for me that make them think of me, respond to my Tumbls, text me with random hilarious things about their days, and call on a random afternoon while they're driving home just to chat for a little while. I am so blessed to have this life.

Omaha, somewhere in middle America

"Get right to the heart of matters...it's the heart that matters more."
Omaha, Counting Crows

It's been an interesting week so far. Fun and heartache, stress and fear, loneliness and love. I think I've still got a lot to learn about myself, but I'm getting used to the idea.

I love this city...so incredibly much. Omaha has become my home in the last year - I actually feel like a visitor when I go back to my hometown. Crazy, isn't it?

You know, I think it's the people that make the difference. Even people I just met a month ago (ahem, Claire) are making this summer the best one yet. It's the conversations I have, and it's the adventures we go on, and it's the promise of being loved for me. That's what makes this my home. Home might not necessarily be a place, but instead it might be more of a feeling. The feeling of having a heart that's happy - that's the feeling of home.

Someday I'll find a man who loves all of me, every odd-fitting piece of the puzzle that is me. And if you already love them...well, sometimes I need to be told that.

(part of) Bandito - Eleanor Lerman

...

This, by the way, this is not a fantasy

It is page 69 (ha ha!) of the manual

I read when we were planning

the takeover

So it didn't happen—so what?

This is better

Wait until I tell you

what's on the next page

These last two stanzas are what really make this poem for me.

This is life, and it's good.

It's a best friend marrying the man who was meant for her. It's getting to share in the joy of the celebration as a bridesmaid. It's standing up on stage, laughing at the pastor's jokes and feeling the tears in your eyes when you see him looking at her with so much love in his eyes.

It's messing up and accidentally giving the wrong address and feeling terrible and apologizing a million times. It's the awkward introductions. It's the rest of the room disappearing while you're having a conversation. It's so many hugs. It's having a fantastic time while you're not even doing anything.

It's cracking up at old camp memories and it's realizing how well you're understood by each other. It's seeing a perfect little apartment that's so crowded with stuff and knowing there's tons more stuff coming into it soon. It's staying up until 2:30 AM when you have to get up in six hours but there's just so much to discuss. It's not being afraid to share your secrets because they're her secrets too. It's picking up right where you left off, no matter how many months or years it's been.

It's muffins for breakfast. It's a bitter cup of coffee with frozen whipped cream because there's no milk. It's singing along to every song on the way home and realizing that you are so incredibly happy. It's a fresh mani/pedi and lunch before leaving again, and it's a friend coming to visit for a while.

This is your life, and it is so good.