Patient. Fine. Balanced. Kind.

If only someone could speak of me the way she talks about you.

Here's the thing. As much as I would like to be able to be stoic, as much as I'd like to just sit back and have fun and not care about other people, as much as I wish I could escape the romantic in me, that part will always be there. I will always care too much. I will always put other people's needs before my own. I will always want a Jane Austen/John Green style love.

And it makes me wonder. How does it happen that those of us who want it so desperately are unable to achieve it? Or maybe it's that we want it so badly because we can't find it in our own lives. And so we go through our lives hoping each and every day that maybe, just maybe, that day is going to be the one when, by some strange miracle, we meet the person with whom we'll find it. Maybe it'll be the day that someone tells us they can't live without us, that every day is an adventure when they're with us, that they blush too easily when they look at us because they don't want to stare, that we are so incredibly beautiful  when we're asleep next to them, that they would do anything to make us happy.


Then we get to the point where we're convinced that no one ever will say those things to us. We think we're not worth the wasted breath. We're crazy for so many different reasons, and no one should care about us past the point of friendship because in the end they're only going to tire of us. They're going to get sick of supporting us through our emotional ups and downs, they'll be weary of saying "I love you" because we need to hear it every 10 seconds just to reaffirm it. We're not going to be enough to keep them interested.

Meanwhile our friends tell us that we just need to stop trying and it'll happen for us when we least expect it. And we'll scream inside our heads, "It's not that easy! You can't just turn hopeless romanticism off!" But we won't say it out loud, and we'll just spend our days waiting. We'll pretend we don't look for our person everywhere we go, that we don't hope someone's vague, angsty Tumblr posts are about us.





I need someone who will be my Augustus Waters, and I will be their Hazel Grace. I want to be the Alaska to someone's Pudge, and I want to equally be the Pudge to that person's Alaska. The drizzle and the hurricane, both of us. Maybe you have no idea what that means yet, but you will, and it's important. I want it so, so badly. I will be patient, as much as I can possibly be. Because as much as I don't believe it, I still hope that my friends are right when they say it'll happen for me. I'll try to keep believing that I'm worth it, that someone will want to know every intimate detail about me. It's so hard to hold on to that. But I will wait for you.

Ricochet. Take your aim. Fire away, fire away.

I've been avoiding this.

I don't know how to explain everything that's happened in the last 3 months.

Most of you know already, so I guess I'm just going to skip over most of it.

Basically, I am not the same person I was just a few months ago. I have no idea where my life is headed. I don't even know what the next 3 months have in store for me. I have never been so emotionally stable in my life. I don't even have enough money in my checking account to pay rent this month (thankfully I do in my savings, though). I'm taking a year off from school - or at least I think that's the plan. I'm not currently registered for any classes. That could change. Who knows?

The strangest part of all this is that I am completely okay. I feel like things are just washing over me, like everything is actually going to work out in my favor at some point.

Like I said, emotionally stable.

Approximately a week and a half ago, I was actually able to flip a switch and completely turn off my feelings for someone for the first time ever. I've never understood how people go from intense attraction to "just friends" so easily, but I'm finding out how it is to have a normal range of emotions. I'm beginning to be more reasonable, to be able to isolate myself from a situation and know that things are not my fault.

It is the strangest feeling.

And even with the stability, I'm still able to express my emotions fully. I am sad when I should be, I am (usually) happy when I should be, I am angry when I should be. It's when I lose the control I have over those emotions that the depression starts creeping in, but that happens so much less now.

So, to wrap up this update, I'm starting a new job this week, trying to determine plans for a weekend trip to Minnesota, being artsy when I feel like it, working out consistently, figuring out my insulin pump, and allowing myself to feel attractive/recognize that people actually are attracted to me. I am starting to be the best me, and it feels so good.

P.S. - Looking over the past few weeks' Post Secrets, I just can't help but wonder if people have secrets that involve me and who/what they are. Secrets are so fascinating to me. I can't even decide what mine would be.

On the edge

I don't know what to say.

I've been trying to think of a new post for so long, but there's just nothing I feel the need to say to everyone.

I'm fighting the edge of another depressive episode, starting with an appointment with my counselor Monday. I think I'll be fine. At least I'm being proactive about it this time?

I have a letter to write to someone. If I haven't said it here before, that's what I tend to do when I journal. I write letters to specific people - sometimes loving, sometimes angry, always honest. This one is thankful. And I should probably share it with the person to whom I'm writing when I finish it.

Anyway, I'm drowning in homework this semester, but I actually don't mind it all that much. Right now I just need to organize my life.

I am done with my graceless heart

Since it's the first day of 2012 (at least as I'm starting this post it is), so I figured I should make my list of resolutions.

1. Be happier.
2. Work out at least 3 times a week.
3. Eat 2 fruits and 2 vegetables a day.
4. Call mom once a week.
5. Enjoy my friends' last semester at Creighton with them.
6. Stop taking things for granted.
7. Let go of regrets; accept things for what they are.

A couple things have stuck with me lately -

I was listening to Shake It Out on our drive home from Kansas City today, and something hit me. I knew I had to listen to it when we left the restaurant after eating lunch. I don't know what it was; I was listening to it and it was just so moving. I even had to let a few tears go, looking out the window to hide them from my parents. Of course I've heard the song before, but it really meant something this time. It was like I knew that today marked a new start, and the lyrics were written to prove it to me:

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

The other thing that struck me was a line from a book I read recently: "Regret is such a pointless emotion, don't you think?" I don't know why, but it just kind of got stuck in my head. I've been thinking about it for the past few days since I finished the book, and how I might sometimes say that I don't have any regrets because I've learned from my mistakes, and how that's not really true. I've been weighed down by regrets in my life - who I loved, how I loved them, things I've done, and things I've allowed to happen. So that's why #7 up there exists. I've decided to start letting things go, or at least trying to do that.

And #1, well...that's most important on that list.

I'll be home for Christmas

Home once again.

For once, I'm actually glad to be here. I know, odd coming from me, right? But it's not like the last few times I've come home. I'm excited to be on winter break, lying in my old bed that's going to make my back ache in the morning. I can't wait for Christmas with family, and I can't help but smile and sing along to the radio. I haven't felt excitement (or hope, for that matter) in a while, but I do now. I guess what's changed this time is me - I feel more like myself than I have in a long time, maybe the whole semester.

I don't know how to explain it, really. The whole semester went so quickly; the beginning flew by and I never was able to catch up, and suddenly it was finals week. Maybe it had to do with the depression I've been in all semester. Actually, that was probably it. For so long I just didn't care about things and didn't want to be around people, and it felt so strange and so horrendous and so fascinating all at the same time. I've never had a depressive episode last so long and be so steady before.

Last weekend, though, right before finals...I've been describing it as "waking up." Suddenly I was more aware of the people around me - I was realizing that I'm not the only person in the world who needs attention, I'm not the only person with problems, I'm not the only one who has things to figure out. I have friends, wonderful friends who deserve my attention and love, and I haven't been treating them like that.

(this is going to get a little heavy, just so you know)

So this is to apologize. Chances are that if you're reading this, you're a friend of mine. So to my dear friends, you are the best. I would go crazy without you, and I've told you before that you keep me alive every day. I need you to tell me to keep fighting, because otherwise I'd forget that a fight's even happening. (I keep picturing it like a war scene from a movie, like LOTR or something equally as awesome. Is that weird? Hmm don't care.) I am battling depression, and when I forget it, that's when I start losing. I am fighting to live, fighting the thoughts that say I'm not worth it, fighting the ideas that death would be so much easier, fighting the urge to just give up. I am fighting this, and the thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that you're at my sides fighting just as hard as I am, if not harder. You're the ones who keep me protected from the monsters trying to tear me down. You're what comes to mind when I think about the worst things, and I realize that I could never hurt you like that. I've known that hurt, and I can't let you feel that way. So I keep fighting. I keep fighting for you, and then I start fighting for me too. I will overpower this. It will be better someday. Hell, it's already thousands of times better, and it'll keep getting better. I'll have setbacks, I know. But somehow, I'll get through them with you there to hold me up. You are the most wonderful people, and I am so lucky to have you in my life. Thank you, and I'm sorry for not fully being me this semester. You deserve the best, and that's what I'll be giving you from now on.

You know, when people asked what changed in the last week, I kept saying that I didn't know. But Rachel helped me to realize it. It was all of you. It was you fighting for me, praying for me, supporting me. It wasn't that you just started, but that I finally figured it out. I can finally see it.

I love you all so very much. Thank you for being so spectacular. I hope you're enjoying your break so far, and I can't wait to hear from you.

No one will ever save you if no one can ever find you

So I've managed to make my life a total mess in the last few weeks.

I started thinking I could do something when all along I probably knew it was too late, and then I was crushed when I was told that it was, indeed, too late. I put myself through a week of unnecessary conversations and unnecessary tears and unnecessary worries. And I don't care what anyone says - I didn't get anything real out of it. If you'd like to provide me with an example of something I did get out of it, I welcome that. But I don't want to hear "I know you got something out of it. You might not see it yet, but you did." If you can see that so clearly, I'm going to need you to tell me what it was. Because I'm still not seeing it.

Anyway...

Then I decided to try to hide things from some of my friends, and...well...I mean, we all know I can't hide anything when it comes to my emotions, especially with the specific people involved. So I ended up hurting them and pushing them away even though that was the very last thing I wanted. I haven't heard from one particular person in a week and a half, and it's absolutely killing me. It's agonizing.

My stomach twists and my heart's in my throat every time I see I have a new email. I'm afraid that I was too late again, because I was ashamed and didn't know what to say. It was as simple as an apology, but I just couldn't figure out how to say it. And now that's all I can think about. I've spent a lot of time either in bed or on the couch, a lot of time crying, and a lot of time alone.

In the meantime, I've been trying to improve my outlook on things. I'm getting back to being on my way to feeling okay with myself. I'm forcing myself to listen to the wonderfully supportive people around me. I'm going to start trying to discern what parts of me are really me, and not just a combination of my parents. My mom always tells me "Ugh, you're so much like your dad" when I do something that irritates her, and my dad's response to when my mom and I fought was always "You're so similar that you just know how to push each other's buttons." I realized in my counseling appointment the other day that I've never really thought about identifying myself outside of that - I have my dad's eyes, my mom's complexion, my dad's short upper lip, my mom's voice, and a combination of their hair with my mom's color and my dad's texture.

But more than that, I identified myself with their personality traits too. My dad's passion, my mom's school smarts. My dad's interest in the humanities, my mom's interest in math. My dad's ability to dream, my mom's stubbornness. My dad's will to do everything possible, my mom's responsibility to the people around her.



Then if all that's from them...who am I?

So far, I think I'm one of Tilly's "Lost Girls" (see title, search song, listen).

I'm working on that.

Tell me I'm a wreck

Life's been messy lately...but it'll all work out eventually. Don't worry, I'm fine. I'll be fine.

I got a haircut today (thank goodness, because it was starting to get all shaggy and bleh). I love going there to chat with Julie. It's like a salon in a movie or television show; I can tell her all about my life and she loves to listen and offer advice. Haha, she's great. She's always on my side, no matter what the issue is - although usually it's about guys. If I mention someone, she's convinced he's in love with me. If it turns out I'm just friends with him (which is always the case, you know), she tells me he wasn't good enough for me. Gotta love her. :)

Haircut!

While we were chatting today, Julie told me that I need to "let my inner jerk out." She said I'm too sweet and care too much about making other people happy, and I need to put myself first sometimes.

I don't know how I feel about that. I would rather have everyone around me be happy with their lives, so if I can do something for them, I'm going to do it. I don't want to take away from the people around me just to make myself happier.

What do I need? I need the people around me to be happy. And occasionally let me know that they like me. Thankfully I have some really wonderful friends. I've been thinking too much lately, especially about things I don't want to think about, and I just need to remind myself to think of those people instead.

I love you all a lot. A lot a lot. In fact, I can't not love you. Speaking of that, here's the song I've been playing nonstop for the past few days that, interestingly enough, is called that:

I hope you all enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday. Much love from Fremont.

Maybe someday we'll figure all this out

...sorry for the lack of communication recently, friends. I've had a rough week and a half or so.

I really don't have much to report, at least not on here. But you should know that big changes may be coming...maybe. Nothing's set in stone or anything, but I've decided to take charge of my own life instead of letting other people decide for me. I'm going to do things that will make me happier, and I'm going to push myself to do something I normally wouldn't think to do.

I need to do it, because I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to do what I love, and I deserve a life that I enjoy. I don't want to waste my time.

So I'm becoming even more myself, I guess. Like I said, I'm taking charge.

By the way, I'm going to be a coordinator for next year's fall break service trips. Thought you all might like to know that.

Oh hey, also. I'm planning on doing some creating over winter break, since I hopefully will have a little free time at home. If you want anything (like a painting or something) let me know.

Also, I'm totally making these someday. Eventually. When I have my own kitchen.

Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill

Have you ever wanted to know what it feels like? Depression, that is.

It feels like this.

It feels like that, and it feels like confusion, drifting, apathy, pretending, hiding, anger, irrational annoyance, and shame, because what do I have to be sad about? My life is not that bad. But then when I think about it I keep finding all these reasons why it sucks. And then I think about all the people and things that make me happy, and it doesn't suck quite so much.

So maybe I'm a depressed optimist? I don't know. (oh, I say I don't know a lot when I have my depressive episodes)


Anyway, I broke down in the endocrinologist's office the other day for the third appointment in a row. So for the first time, my doctor wants me to start up counseling to focus on diabetes, because that's such a huge factor in it. She said that maybe doing that will help to relieve some of my stress and anxiety about it, which will help improve my blood sugars. Plus it'll help me get back to at least a neutral state, so maybe then I can start taking a little more control of my life.

I made the appointment the next day. It's funny how just setting up the appointment makes you feel just a little better. Other things that also make it better: people who are naturally happy (rather than trying to make me happy, because that's trying to fix it and that's not what I need), people who understand, my service trip group (because in Alabama it was like my depression didn't really exist, so now I associate that whole experience with happiness).

Song of the week:

If love is a labor, I'll slave til the end.

I hate this.

I'm too needy. I try to stop, and I just can't. I can't stop expressing my feelings, and I don't understand how other people do it. I just don't get it. I feel too much.

edit: At least I painted a little tonight. I like how these two backgrounds turned out.

Six years has gone so fast

This is Brian. He died six years ago today.

Brian, Jane's boyfriend. Brian, who I'd eaten lunch with almost every day of freshman year of high school. Brian, who I pushed around stage on wheeled scaffolding during strike after the spring play the previous year. Brian, the star-to-be of Big River, the fall play that year. Brian, the guy who wore his plaid pajama pants almost every day, the one who had an easy laugh and kind eyes. Brian, my friend.

Your life is hard. I know, mine is too. Life is hard. But I can tell you, and I hope you believe me, that life is worth it, too. It can be terrifying to think about, but there is always help available. Open up to a friend, see a counselor. Suicide...suicide is never worth it. Suicide hurts the people around you so incredibly much, to the point where they're still asking why six years later.

I might not even know you (but chances are I probably do). Even if I don't, I know that you deserve to be alive. You are loved, and you are not alone. Especially when it feels like you're lonelier than you've ever been, you are never alone. You are a beautiful person.

I want to take everyone in the world who's ever felt worthless, hopeless, broken, or empty, and I want to hug them. I want to tell them that they mean something, that their life matters, that they're not alone...that they're loved.

You are not alone in this

You are not alone.

It's taken me a while to get to writing this post. I've been thinking about it literally for weeks now, and I even got it started. But I have been swallowed whole by Residence Life (not complaining about that, though - it's been such a fun time) and school (yeah, I could do without that right now...) and have thus been unable to find time to devote to writing it.

Also, I just didn't know what to say. Maybe I still don't.

Loneliness is one of my most common causes for my depression...probably the main cause, if I'm being honest. It's the feeling that everyone's forgotten about me, that everyone's having a good time and didn't think to invite me, that no one's thinking about me at the moment. So I'm sitting here with my door open, hearing the sounds of freshmen making friends and not worrying about classes yet because theirs don't start until Wednesday, and I'm alone and thinking about loneliness and feeling it, even when I've been with friends all day long.





Okay, so I swore I was going to make this post positive.


There are a few of you out there for whom this post is specifically meant. I don't know exactly what to tell you, but I want you to know that you shouldn't ever feel like that. You're always on someone's mind, even when you're not aware of it. Hell, you're on my mind a lot.

Especially during those times when you're all feeling crappiest, hit me up. I might not be able to answer you at the moment, but I notice when you try. I adore seeing my phone light up with your names. I think about some of you so very often, and I want you to know that. You're loved, you're appreciated, you're important. Remember that.

13 years

13 years gone like 13 minutes...underwater.

Now that July 18th is over, I think it's time for a little reflection. The day marked the 13th anniversary of my diagnosis with type I diabetes, and to be honest, it was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. It carried a lot of emotion that I hadn't been expecting, and the day in general hurt a lot more than it usually does.

Normally my "diabeteversaries" are happy occasions, days when I get treated to a nice dinner and sometimes even cake! The past few years have been really chill, because after a while it's not such a big deal anymore. I didn't mean for this one to even be a big deal. A Facebook status, a Tumblr post, a tweet or two. Not too much. But I guess it was my own fault that it became a bit bigger, because I talked about this one a lot. I mean, it is kind of interesting that my diabetes is a teenager now. But then I started making it a bigger deal than I even wanted it to be, so much that Claire even made me a cake (which was delicious and so awesome of her - thanks friend!).

It didn't help that my mom sent me this text: "Hey hun, it never ceases to amaze me how much courage you have shown in dealing with your medical conditions. I'm thinking of you on this 13th anniversary. Luv, mama." I overlooked it when I first got it, but when I went to reply later, it just hit me. I wouldn't be alive if it hadn't been for her.

It was a reminder of how fragile my life is, how easily I could lose control, how easily it could kill me. Maybe you don't know this (or maybe you do), but I've had four seizures, including two in my sleep. I've struggled with the temptations of diabulimia (which I'm sure you can find some information about on the Google machine - too much effort to go into it right now), it's been a major source of my depressive times, and I stopped caring for a long time during spring semester this year. No, wait. I didn't just stop caring; I let it take over, I let it get to me. For the first time, I felt defined by it.

Diabetes sucks. It really, really sucks. And I legitimately am sorry that I can't explain it very well to those of you who aren't diabetic. Unfortunately, you just can't know how it affects you unless you have it. I know you can see how it affects me, and you might feel like you get it, but it's just one of those things, you know? One of those things that is just impossible to fully understand until you're the one dealing with it. That's why camp has been so important to me - it's the one place where everyone really understands. I've never had the same connection with another person as I have with Lauren, my best friend from camp. I'm very lucky to have someone like her who understands and has had very similar life experiences.

I apologize for any time ever when I have not been very patient in talking with you about it. I know that you might just want to understand better, or you're curious about how things work. If I have lost my patience (or lose it in the future), please know it's not your fault. I know I have said before that it's my favorite thing to talk about, but if I'm being honest, it's really not. I'm not going to avoid talking about it or try to keep it a secret, but I only talk about it because it's something I can discuss for hours on end.

Another note - please, please spare me the diabetes jokes. They're a lot less funny when that's your reality. Also, they hurt more than you think they do.


I guess what I'm getting at here is that diabetes is a large part of my life. It affects me daily, to an extent you can't imagine. People tell me they couldn't imagine giving themselves shots every day, that I'm so strong and courageous, that they wouldn't be able to do it. I know they mean well, and I really appreciate the sentiment. But honestly, I would trade anything for it. I'm not brave, I'm just trying to stay alive. You might not think you'd be able to do it, but five injections a day is a lot better than dying so that's the option I choose.

So...I guess that kind of covers it. It's confusing and it's messy and it's anything but pleasant. It comes with other issues, it creates a lot of problems, and it's inconvenient. It creates days like this that end in tears, and it hurts - both externally and internally. And now, once again:

I just need the rain to remind me

"I always felt it before, that the world was filled with much more than the drowning soul I've learned to be. I just need the rain to remind me."

I need to get caught in the rain.

I'll be walking around campus with nothing to do in the late afternoon. I'll feel the drops begin, followed by the downpour. Warm summer rain will fall on my head, for once clearing the thoughts that swirl there. Not worth it, worth it, do something, don't do anything. The water hitting the still-warm sidewalk will create a mist into which I can retreat, a cover behind which I can let the rain fall from my eyes. Because try as I may, I cannot cry now. I have nothing worth spilled tears at this moment, but I need to cry.

There are too many ways this song (found here) is a representation of my life.

I want to darken in the skies, open the flood gates up. I want to change my mind, I want to be enough. I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time. I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground, let the rain come down.

I just wanna be alone with your smile

2 things:

• That damn dream I had this morning. It was the first one about you in months. You were standing there, holding the hand of a girl who was taller, skinnier, and had darker red hair than me. In the beginning, your hair seemed like you cut it, but then I realized it was longer than ever. You were so self-absorbed that you didn't even notice me.
• Seeing lyrics from Blink-182's "M+M's" on Tumblr. It took me back to that time when we just sat in your car and you played it for me, telling me to listen to all the lyrics. All I wanted was to buy some candy (but not cigarettes) and drive to Madagascar with you. And I thought of how those are your favorite candy, and how I bought you that 42-ounce bag of them when I left for school so you'd eat them at work and think of me.

So I played it, and Dammit came on next, and why does every Blink-182 song have to be about you? Why did I have to start listening to your favorite band so much that I can still remember all the words, even though I haven't listened to them in a year and a half? And then there was Feeling This, and I could remember singing harmony with you in the car, and how you played Down and I didn't really understand it.

And it's not that I miss you, it's that I wish you would have tried harder. Because then I wouldn't be crying about nostalgia, I'd be crying about how I'm going to be in Omaha and you're going to be in Texas for the summer, but I wouldn't be alone tonight because you're not leaving for another couple of weeks.

And I just want to know what makes you smile now and if it still hurts to think about that night, whether you thought about coming after me when I left, and why you never called. And if you talked to your mom or your grandma or your brothers and what they said about me and what if I had gone to your grandma's wedding last summer? How the smell of the Garnier Fructis in my hair doesn't remind me of yours anymore, it's just how my hair smells now.

And how I just want to prove to you how much better off I am without you pulling me down all the time and how you hated my friends and how I hated that you hate everyone. And how you ruined Christmas for me that year and never wanted to introduce me to your family and how I never understood that.

And how I wish you'd call, still. That you'd want to apologize and show me how you've changed and become a better person. And how I'd pretend not to know who was calling because I deleted your number but can still remember it immediately when I think about it. And how I try not to think about it, but suddenly it's there, just like the way you'd roll your eyes when you were being ridiculous and how much I loved your real smile and how rarely I saw it because you were never happy, just content. And how I couldn't handle just being content and just wanted to make you happy but never could and how I drove myself crazy with that.

And how you had such an amazing smile.

I can't remember the song I wanted to use as the title of this post and it's driving me nuts.

There are words colliding in my head

like strangely shaped stones

with sharp spikes and rounded curves.

I want to hurl them at you in screams

or offer them in a whisper

so you can barely hear them.

I tried to write them away,

but those words are still

trapped in my mind, jumbled and

thunking against my skull.

So I melted them and

poured them out of my eyes

to the one who already knows them by heart

and knows he can’t do anything

but try to catch them.

Next time I'll be braver - I'll be my own savior

Thoughts for the day/week:

• Adele. Damn.
• Third wheel hangouts that don't bother me
• Follows/unfollows shouldn't excite/bother me so much.
• Motivation to study is difficult to find when tests are a week away.
• Cold rain on warm skin
• Ten days without a debit card and only $60 cash
• Soon everyone will be leaving for the summer
• Including friends with whom I'm not close enough yet
• There's still so much for us to talk about
• Ridiculously busy schedule for the next 3 weeks
• Counseling this week, both continuing for me and starting for a dear friend
• The even stronger connection made because of it
• Making friendship bracelets
• Date for the wedding?
• Need to ask soon!
• Shadows
• a.k.a. WOW some of my friends are really talented
• Sick of degrading crap on Twitter from anonymous people here at school
• Thankful for people who take notice
• And who know what I need, rather than assuming they can just fix it.

The weakness, the sadness, the sirens, the madness

The pounding in your chest...like you're racing the street in an ambulance.

I don't know how to feel today. It's almost like I don't want to be happy right now. I just feel like being bitchy. Yikes.

I'm attributing it to my lack of sleep and the crappy duty from last night. There were just things to deal with, people who wouldn't stop talking...blah. I was up until 4:15 and then had to get up at 7:15 to pick up a friend and go volunteer at Project Homeless Connect Omaha (which is really amazing...so many resources for the homeless community of Omaha!). Plus I had the duty phone, which I really didn't want to be carrying around with me at PHCO because...well, why would I? Also, it snowed last night. Thank God I didn't fall this time.

I was parked in the garage, which is halfway across campus. Then I couldn't find a parking spot to fit my car, so I ended up going back to the garage after dropping off Elane (aforementioned friend) at PHCO. Then I ran back to drop off the duty phone at the front desk because it was finally 8:00, then ran to PHCO to check in. Whew.

My PHCO clients took longer than expected, mostly because there were two of them and only one of me. So I got out of there about an hour later than I had planned on, which was fine. Then I had a meeting at 12:45, which went very well, but immediately after that I had to go do two other things on campus before I had to work at 2:00...uggggh. Then I worked til 5, and then I had to check in for duty for the second night in a row. Now I'm working at the desk again, and it's fine. I'm just sick of dealing with people and I want them to read my mind.

So it's been a crazy day with hardly any time to just take a breath.



Yesterday, however, was really relaxing up until the evening. It was wonderful - I slept for 9 hours, got a free cupcake, helped some friends out...beautiful. But then duty happened, and people had their super-sassy pants on and I wasn't feeling that. My mood just kept steadily decreasing until I finally just let go while Eric was hugging me. All I needed was to be held for a second - really, that's all I ever need.

Maybe it's just been building up all week. Starting with the tests that didn't go well because I didn't feel like trying, followed by a talk with my boss that I never really planned to have (and actually have never had with anyone else, even Patrick or Steph - btw you two, feel free to ask if you want to know), then possibly unintentionally (and regrettably) putting myself in the friend category with someone...then last night...then today...blaaaaaaaaah.

Good things did happen, though - spring training for next year's ResLife staff, lunch with same someone, lunch with others, going out with friends from home...lovely. Got re-hired for camp, getting an email instead of an interview for the job I had last summer, interview for the job I actually want this summer in a couple days...fantastic. But this mood just isn't going away.

I need sleep.

Blue skies are calling, but I know that it's hard

Blue Skies - Noah and the Whale

Such a beautiful song. Something about it just makes me stop and listen when I hear it.

Blue skies are calling. They're calling out to me, waiting for me to find them. And I'm getting so close.

In the shadow of your heart

It's not about him this time.

"Then in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat. I tried to find the sound, but then it stopped and I was in the darkness, so darkness I became."

I feel like I'm constantly applying for friendship. Doing things to make people like me, make them want to be around me like I want to be around them. I've achieved that with very few people, and you're not helping me with it. Like I said, counting down the days until you get sick of me.