I just wanna be alone with your smile

2 things:

• That damn dream I had this morning. It was the first one about you in months. You were standing there, holding the hand of a girl who was taller, skinnier, and had darker red hair than me. In the beginning, your hair seemed like you cut it, but then I realized it was longer than ever. You were so self-absorbed that you didn't even notice me.
• Seeing lyrics from Blink-182's "M+M's" on Tumblr. It took me back to that time when we just sat in your car and you played it for me, telling me to listen to all the lyrics. All I wanted was to buy some candy (but not cigarettes) and drive to Madagascar with you. And I thought of how those are your favorite candy, and how I bought you that 42-ounce bag of them when I left for school so you'd eat them at work and think of me.

So I played it, and Dammit came on next, and why does every Blink-182 song have to be about you? Why did I have to start listening to your favorite band so much that I can still remember all the words, even though I haven't listened to them in a year and a half? And then there was Feeling This, and I could remember singing harmony with you in the car, and how you played Down and I didn't really understand it.

And it's not that I miss you, it's that I wish you would have tried harder. Because then I wouldn't be crying about nostalgia, I'd be crying about how I'm going to be in Omaha and you're going to be in Texas for the summer, but I wouldn't be alone tonight because you're not leaving for another couple of weeks.

And I just want to know what makes you smile now and if it still hurts to think about that night, whether you thought about coming after me when I left, and why you never called. And if you talked to your mom or your grandma or your brothers and what they said about me and what if I had gone to your grandma's wedding last summer? How the smell of the Garnier Fructis in my hair doesn't remind me of yours anymore, it's just how my hair smells now.

And how I just want to prove to you how much better off I am without you pulling me down all the time and how you hated my friends and how I hated that you hate everyone. And how you ruined Christmas for me that year and never wanted to introduce me to your family and how I never understood that.

And how I wish you'd call, still. That you'd want to apologize and show me how you've changed and become a better person. And how I'd pretend not to know who was calling because I deleted your number but can still remember it immediately when I think about it. And how I try not to think about it, but suddenly it's there, just like the way you'd roll your eyes when you were being ridiculous and how much I loved your real smile and how rarely I saw it because you were never happy, just content. And how I couldn't handle just being content and just wanted to make you happy but never could and how I drove myself crazy with that.

And how you had such an amazing smile.

Next time I'll be braver - I'll be my own savior

Thoughts for the day/week:

• Adele. Damn.
• Third wheel hangouts that don't bother me
• Follows/unfollows shouldn't excite/bother me so much.
• Motivation to study is difficult to find when tests are a week away.
• Cold rain on warm skin
• Ten days without a debit card and only $60 cash
• Soon everyone will be leaving for the summer
• Including friends with whom I'm not close enough yet
• There's still so much for us to talk about
• Ridiculously busy schedule for the next 3 weeks
• Counseling this week, both continuing for me and starting for a dear friend
• The even stronger connection made because of it
• Making friendship bracelets
• Date for the wedding?
• Need to ask soon!
• Shadows
• a.k.a. WOW some of my friends are really talented
• Sick of degrading crap on Twitter from anonymous people here at school
• Thankful for people who take notice
• And who know what I need, rather than assuming they can just fix it.

Hey, boys.

Boys of friends.

Boy friends of friends.

Boyfriends of friends.

Don't treat my friends like crap.

I'm not okay with that.



Also, please learn how to use grammar correctly. I Hate It When You Type Like This.

Sometimes your first scars won't ever fade away

In three days it will be a year
since I walked out of your house
with no intent to return
rivers from my eyes
as your face crumpled in pain

But now I can't get you
out of my thoughts
and I need to bring you up
in conversations with people
who either hate you already
or never knew you at all

Tell me this:
why the fuck do I still care?
What's the point
in thinking of you anymore?
I give up.
Finally, I'm done dealing
with the memories I left with.

I'll be doing alright with my Christmas of white

I hope you'll have a blue, blue, blue Christmas.

This is my first Christmas in three years without you. Well, without you in my life. Last year I didn't want you there because you ruined it the year before, and I was planning to break up with you a couple weeks later anyway. But we were still together. Sometimes I forget that I was still your girlfriend only a year ago. Then I realize that in a few weeks (two and a half from today), I will have been single for a full year.

Sometimes, I wish I was still there. Sitting on your ugly 80's couch, holding hands and watching the History Channel, House, or NCIS. Smelling the Garnier Fructis spray in your hair, the warm smell of your shoulder as it supported my head. (I almost typed heart instead of head...) Now the scent of my hair mousse doesn't remind me of you, I can watch NCIS and House without thinking of you (until a few hours later), and I lean on a bunch of other people's shoulders for support, both with my head and my heart.

Sometimes, I forget your phone number. Then suddenly the mess of numbers clears up, and there it is. Even though I deleted it from my phone, I can still remember it. I was really happy the first time I couldn't do that, though. Hopefully that will keep happening.

This is the second letter I've written to you now...the other one is still hiding where I left it this summer, sloppy handwriting from a ballpoint pen on plain computer paper. Six pages, I think? This one's in typing (my favorite font, which you would probably be neutral about). I remember our shared hatred of Comic Sans, which apparently we share with a TON of people - including the new girl who I suspect is a little into you, but I'll never know if my hunch is true. Did you know her cousin is in the Honors Program at Creighton? So weird, how things like that happen.

Anyway...I saw Chris (the "dog," as you always called her - asshole) tonight. She was at Wendy's with a couple girls I didn't recognize, and she was holding a baby. Maybe it was hers? I haven't creeped enough to find out yet. But I thought you might think that was entertaining. Because you always were the type to make fun of people worse off than you, especially Chris. I felt kind of bad for her, even though she was kind of a crazy bitch. She was nice enough to me while I was with you.

You would think it was stupid, but I'm reading Pride and Prejudice and listening to Christmas music on the radio. The song about meeting an old lover in the grocery store just came on - apparently it's called Same Old Lang Syne. They're both making me think of you. I'm partly wishing that could be us one day...but in all honesty, I probably won't see you ever again. Blue Christmas makes me think of you too, because I really truly hope that's how you feel. It sounds terrible, but I want you to realize how much you lost when you let me walk out your door on January 7th.

I remember I was wearing my grey skinny jeans, forest green henley, and brown boots. We went to Applebee's (like always), and you were in a particularly silly mood. You spelled out "MOO" with the straw wrappers while I was in the bathroom. I was texting Corinne the entire night, saying I couldn't do it, and she kept telling me I had to. We went back to your house after renting The Hangover from Hastings. After watching it, we saw the end of an episode of House and I started crying. We talked for what seemed like hours, but it probably only took about one. You cried, and I remember you pushing my hand away because I was hanging on too long. When there was finally nothing left to say, I went home. Before I left, I kissed your cheek, and you kissed my forehead. I watched your face crumple as I walked out the door, and I don't remember the drive home. I cried for days after that.

So yeah. Nights like tonight, they make me miss being with you. Not you, necessarily, but being with you. So I guess they make me miss being with anyone, and you're the only one with whom I have any experience of that. So then it feels like I miss you. But maybe I just miss being wanted, maybe I feel guilty. I can't tell you any of this, because that would be like admitting defeat. I don't regret it, but I am sorry for hurting you. You'll never admit that I did, but I know it's true. I saw your face.

I don't think Angiee or Sherri would still love me so much if they didn't think I was good for you. But I wasn't good enough - I couldn't inspire you to come to God, and you took me away from him. Maybe someday you'll find a girl who can do that. I secretly hope you don't and that you pine for me until you die because I'm the one that got away. Because you let me walk out the door, and all the while I was hoping you'd run out and stop me before I drove away, or that you'd call and beg me to change my mind. You never did, though, so I'm left in the dark praying that's how you still feel, and hoping that you'll have a blue, blue, blue Christmas.

Holy crap it's been two months

How is it that my "first relaxing summer in the history of the world" is SO BUSY??? How does that happen? The only time I'm ever on my computer is late at night, and by that point, I'm too tired to write an entry or read all the ones I follow! I'm so very sorry. I apologize to you guys too much, but that's because I leave you too much. Referring to earlier statement: so very very very very sorry.

I haven't even worked on the novel much. I have a couple times, but I'm just not inspired! There's just too much crap going through my head right now that I can't even think about it, which uber-depresses me. But I have started with writing songs...well, it could be rhyming poetry (whoa that's a change), but I have plans to teach myself a bit of piano and actually make them songs.

Okay, so brief rundown:
-worked at home for parents most of May and June (painting bathroom, doing laundry, mowing lawn, buying groceries, etc.)
-went to camp June 17-27 as counselor (diabetes camp...BIG middle school drama story to tell with that)
-started job shadowing in hospital retail pharmacy last week (I surprised myself by enjoying it!)
-between camp and job shadowing, was nearly broken up with because Ryan "needs his space, we don't match, he doesn't want to lose me, he loves me but (looooooong pause) he's not madly in love with me" -- rather depressed and crying lots this week...come sit in the bowl chair with me and hold me while I cry please? (you know who you are))
-back to being okay, but lots of emotion left our relationship...although I still love him since I loved him a hell of a lot...but now I realize things I didn't see before

So there. That's been my summer. And now this week I'm going back to work at dad's office for a bit, then Summer Preview (new student orientation at school)! I'm psyched for that. Oh and John C. Fremont Days this weekend!

Okay, I'm going to go put camp pics on Facebook now. Hugs!

I don't want to be here...

I don't. I don't want to face them, I don't want to address this...I just want it to be summer. Only three and a half weeks, and I'll home, and it'll be summer, and I'll be around people who I KNOW don't talk behind my back. Here, though...I'm not so sure. But until then, I don't want to deal with this. I deactivated my Facebook for that reason. No, I didn't block you, I just decided I didn't want to deal with it, so I deactivated. I'll reactivate in the summer, but not before then. Maybe then all this will wash away and I won't have to face you again.

I realize that what I did was stupid and immature, and I'm truly sorry I let myself do that. But what you don't seem to realize is that it wasn't something little to me. It was my best friend telling me I wasn't good enough for her, and that's the worst way to hurt me. It's what I fear most about any friendship -- not being good enough. So thank you for pushing it into my face how much better you are at all things than I am, but I'd rather not listen anymore. Therefore I removed myself from the situation and not letting myself stoop as low as I did ever again. This is the last of it. I give up...not to say you win, just that I give up. It's not worth fighting for anymore. I don't think you were the type of friends I really wanted in the first place.

So. Now that that's done...I'm moving on. I'm going to focus on my studying these next three weeks, and I'm going to fully prepare myself for everything (academically speaking). It's going to be a hell of a lot of work, but now that I don't have Facebook to distract me, it shouldn't be as difficult as it was. Now I just have to stay off of Twitter a little more. :S haha

That's what's going on with me. I haven't written my novel in waaaaaaaay too long...but I just don't have time. I got my Honors paper done a little bit ago, and then I have my Bio paper due Wednesday, and World Lit paper due next Tuesday. And my World Lit project...hmmm...I need inspiration for that. I've got a good idea, I just need to find a way to really tie it to the class. Oh well...I'll figure it out.

I had a pretty good Easter break...spent 3 of the 4 evenings with Ryan. :D That's always fun...well, not always, seeing as we had one of our relationship talks again...how it works and why we're okay with it being so unusual and him reassuring me that it's okay that I'm not perfect and me crying and blah blah blah. But that was only one night, so we're good for a while. :) We watched "A Beautiful Mind" which I've never seen in its entirety before, and I absolutely LOVED it. John Nash reminds me of Ryan...I wonder if my boyfriend is schizophrenic...:S lol...


And then tonight for CU Dems we watched "Milk" and ate nachos from Q'doba, which were delish! And the movie was one of the best I've ever seen, honestly. I'm not gay, but it made me want to be a gay rights activist of the 70's! :D My parents were married in 1978, the year everything really happened for Harvey Milk (including his assassination). Odd to think about my parents being the age of a lot of those activists.


I'm starting this new optimism thing, just to try it out. I'll let you know how it works. ;)

Tolerance Is a Wonderful Thing

I can't stand it anymore...the intolerance on this floor is INSANE. Insane in the membrane, as Michelle said earlier this morning. I CANNOT STAND IT. lflsjfosowfvhfldskcldsknjvihvfesvf. damn it.
I hate people who "know" they're right about everything, because usually they're not.
I hate people who can't accept a small difference in another person.
I hate people who think that being different is being weird.
I HATE people who think there's a problem with someone being gay.
So one of your friends from high school has a subscription to some magazine...so you figured out he's gay...don't sit there surrounded by people who have views that are radically different from yours and wait for them to be...idk, upset or something.
You: "Yeah, he's gay."
Another person: "...Not that there's anything wrong with that."
You: "Woah...yes, there is." FUCKING ASSHOLE.
I actually kind of hope you're reading this, just so you know what an ignorant JERK you are. What are you so afraid of, anyway? I have some great friends who are gay. What makes them worth less than you, O Hallowed One? In case you haven't heard, there's this kinda famous document that says "all men (and women really) are created equal."

Funny how everything connects, isn't it? In my World Lit class right now, we're reading Candide, to which the Declaration of Independence is directly related. Look at the last line of the main paragraph: "To prove this, let Facts be submitted to the CANDID world." That's a direct tribute to Monsieur Voltaire, thank you very much.

And to someone else: DON'T EVEN go around saying how teacher's unions are worthless and pointless and how you don't see why you should have to pay dues to belong to something so pointless. ASSHOLE. My mom works for the Nebraska State Education Association. It's her job, and you don't even have any idea how many teachers have to get help from her because students are DUMB and try to get their teachers in trouble. GET OVER YOURSELF. You don't know anything.

Okay, there's my rant and rave. Thanks for reading.

Oh, Beowulf...You Slay Me

So I should be reading Beowulf right now...but I am not. Haha...
And I should be reading Candide right now too...but I am not. Haha...
I should also be studying Chemistry right now too...but again...I am not. HAHAHA...
Instead, I am sitting in Shannon's room, listening to great music and typing here, contemplating life and why I bother with it. I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing, why I try so hard. I just want to be a normal person...but then I realize that I don't know what normal is.
I honestly think that there is no such thing as a "normal" person. Every one of us is strange in some way. So why do I have to try to be normal? Can't I just be me without being judged? WHO CARES? Besides, it's not people who are judging me in the end.


It's the one who made me this way.