These are my confessions

It's time to admit some things about myself. I don't always feel like this, but I usually do. Fuck, I don't even know how to start this. There's just so much built up inside me right now.

I hate nearly everything about my body. (Yes, I'm a typical girl with typical body issues, plus some. So if you don't care or don't want to hear it, stop reading.) Why, you ask? Well.

I'm 6'0 tall, which has always been awkward and not cool in my book.
I never use scales because they make me cry.
I realize that as a tall person, my ideal body weight is greater than people who are normal heights, but I can't help it.
Born to dance? Fuck that. If I were born to dance, I would be less than 5'6 and around 100 pounds.
Shopping is usually fun...when I'm looking at accessories. When it comes to trying on clothes, I almost always end up discouraged and angry because nothing ever fits me.
Jeans are nearly impossible for me to find; I have to get at least extra-longs in one of the largest sizes because my hips are so big, and I spend hours trying them on and find maybe two pairs.
I don't realize it UNTIL I try on jeans that my hips are huge.
(I actually really like having curvy hips...only thanks to Ryan.)
I was told once that my eyes have a unique shape, but that only makes me think they're weird.
I think I have a really big forehead.
I only like my hair when it's straight, but it takes so much time and effort that I hardly ever do it.
My feet (as I wrote about it my recent post) have calluses from dancing for 14 years, and I'm convinced they'll never be smooth.
My hands are too small for someone my size.
I have small shoulders, tiny ears, and an extremely short upper lip.

Last but not least, what I hate most about myself: my insulin spots.
There are hard deposits about a centimeter below my skin that came from doing too many injections there in the last twelve and a half years.
They're horrible. To me, they look like two little tumors on either side of me, in line with my belly button, just inside my hip bones. They have little bruises around them from other shots. I hate them with every fiber of my being and sometimes I just want to take a knife and cut them out.
They're the only things I really try to hide from everyone. Sometimes I wear leggings under my jeans and tell you it's just to be warmer...but I wouldn't tell you it's also because they can hold in my insulin spots. I wear a sweater or a jacket every day, just so I can cover them up.

A recent excerpt from my journal (I know, a journal with stuff that's not already on my blog? Crazy, right?):
"It's nights like these that make me want to run back to him. The one who would rub aloe as gently as he could on my severely burnt back, the one who once told me I was perfect, the one who would kiss the insulin deposits under my skin that I hate so much. He would hold me while I cried, my forehead on his shoulder and my face stuck frozen in a sob that felt like it would never end. 0.09% NaCl solution coursing down my cheeks, chest caving in like my heart was a black hole, not feeling the need to breathe."

Even when I've tightened my belt by a notch, when I know that my stomach's full of air because I ate wheat today and not with food because I ate too much, when I've felt so good about myself earlier in the week...I can't escape the tears that are so ready to spill.

Sick and tired

I'm sick and tired.

I'm sick because I have been since I was 8, and now there's more wrong with me.
I pray for one disease over another, because one can be fixed.
I already have one that will last forever and a deficiency that goes along with it, and I don't want to add another one.
Fuck, I don't want to add another disease at all, but I have to pray and hope and wish that I have the one that will make less of an impact on my life.
Another pill? Sure, that's fine. I can deal with taking pills for the rest of my life. I already do that.
Changing my eating habits? I'm not so okay with that.

I want to be less different, and now I'm even more so.

I talk about my diseased state all the time. I tell you it's my favorite thing to talk about, which isn't really the truth. It's just the subject I know most about and which you don't know much about, so I can talk a lot. I like talking.
What I hate, though, is being diseased. I will never not be sick. And you know what? That sucks.
I fucking hate being diabetic. I hate having hypothyroidism. I hate the possibility of having Celiac. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

I'm tired, and going to bed but not to sleep because I can't fall asleep thinking about how sick I am.

I'm sick and tired of being sick.

Understood

I thought I under­stood life once.
All I really under­stood was school.
I didn’t under­stand peo­ple,
I didn’t under­stand rela­tion­ships,
I didn’t under­stand I love you.
You made me real­ize that.
Maybe that’s why I hate you.

Something new: "I Hate This"

I hate how everyone else was right.
I hate how I refused to listen to them.
I hate how I suddenly got wrapped up in you.
I hate how I can't get untangled.
I hate how what I loved wasn't really you.
I hate how you pretended so that I'd fall.
I hate how I fell so hard, and for you.
I hate how you don't care.
I hate how I cared so much, while you care so little.
I hate how I don't care anymore.
I hate how I'm not ready.
I hate how I realize I need to be.
I hate how I don't love you like I did, but I still do love you.
I hate how I want to go back instead of forward.
I hate how I can't do anything because I'm scared.
And I hate how you don't even know.
How I'm putting on a face, and not letting you see this.

I don't want to be here...

I don't. I don't want to face them, I don't want to address this...I just want it to be summer. Only three and a half weeks, and I'll home, and it'll be summer, and I'll be around people who I KNOW don't talk behind my back. Here, though...I'm not so sure. But until then, I don't want to deal with this. I deactivated my Facebook for that reason. No, I didn't block you, I just decided I didn't want to deal with it, so I deactivated. I'll reactivate in the summer, but not before then. Maybe then all this will wash away and I won't have to face you again.

I realize that what I did was stupid and immature, and I'm truly sorry I let myself do that. But what you don't seem to realize is that it wasn't something little to me. It was my best friend telling me I wasn't good enough for her, and that's the worst way to hurt me. It's what I fear most about any friendship -- not being good enough. So thank you for pushing it into my face how much better you are at all things than I am, but I'd rather not listen anymore. Therefore I removed myself from the situation and not letting myself stoop as low as I did ever again. This is the last of it. I give up...not to say you win, just that I give up. It's not worth fighting for anymore. I don't think you were the type of friends I really wanted in the first place.

So. Now that that's done...I'm moving on. I'm going to focus on my studying these next three weeks, and I'm going to fully prepare myself for everything (academically speaking). It's going to be a hell of a lot of work, but now that I don't have Facebook to distract me, it shouldn't be as difficult as it was. Now I just have to stay off of Twitter a little more. :S haha

That's what's going on with me. I haven't written my novel in waaaaaaaay too long...but I just don't have time. I got my Honors paper done a little bit ago, and then I have my Bio paper due Wednesday, and World Lit paper due next Tuesday. And my World Lit project...hmmm...I need inspiration for that. I've got a good idea, I just need to find a way to really tie it to the class. Oh well...I'll figure it out.

I had a pretty good Easter break...spent 3 of the 4 evenings with Ryan. :D That's always fun...well, not always, seeing as we had one of our relationship talks again...how it works and why we're okay with it being so unusual and him reassuring me that it's okay that I'm not perfect and me crying and blah blah blah. But that was only one night, so we're good for a while. :) We watched "A Beautiful Mind" which I've never seen in its entirety before, and I absolutely LOVED it. John Nash reminds me of Ryan...I wonder if my boyfriend is schizophrenic...:S lol...


And then tonight for CU Dems we watched "Milk" and ate nachos from Q'doba, which were delish! And the movie was one of the best I've ever seen, honestly. I'm not gay, but it made me want to be a gay rights activist of the 70's! :D My parents were married in 1978, the year everything really happened for Harvey Milk (including his assassination). Odd to think about my parents being the age of a lot of those activists.


I'm starting this new optimism thing, just to try it out. I'll let you know how it works. ;)

WTF????????

I have had such a TERRIBLE day today. I hated it violently...though not as violently as Michelle last night. :P But still. I'm starting to realize that I only enjoy Tuesdays and Thursdays...know why? Because I have my Lit classes those days, and Chem, Bio, and Philosophy on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays! I hate all my MWF's and I love all my TR's. I've figured it out! I LOVE LITERATURE!!! Honors and World Lit make school worth going to. But it sucks that I only have those classes two days a week. Grrr.

So yeah. It was a sucky day.

Tolerance Is a Wonderful Thing

I can't stand it anymore...the intolerance on this floor is INSANE. Insane in the membrane, as Michelle said earlier this morning. I CANNOT STAND IT. lflsjfosowfvhfldskcldsknjvihvfesvf. damn it.
I hate people who "know" they're right about everything, because usually they're not.
I hate people who can't accept a small difference in another person.
I hate people who think that being different is being weird.
I HATE people who think there's a problem with someone being gay.
So one of your friends from high school has a subscription to some magazine...so you figured out he's gay...don't sit there surrounded by people who have views that are radically different from yours and wait for them to be...idk, upset or something.
You: "Yeah, he's gay."
Another person: "...Not that there's anything wrong with that."
You: "Woah...yes, there is." FUCKING ASSHOLE.
I actually kind of hope you're reading this, just so you know what an ignorant JERK you are. What are you so afraid of, anyway? I have some great friends who are gay. What makes them worth less than you, O Hallowed One? In case you haven't heard, there's this kinda famous document that says "all men (and women really) are created equal."

Funny how everything connects, isn't it? In my World Lit class right now, we're reading Candide, to which the Declaration of Independence is directly related. Look at the last line of the main paragraph: "To prove this, let Facts be submitted to the CANDID world." That's a direct tribute to Monsieur Voltaire, thank you very much.

And to someone else: DON'T EVEN go around saying how teacher's unions are worthless and pointless and how you don't see why you should have to pay dues to belong to something so pointless. ASSHOLE. My mom works for the Nebraska State Education Association. It's her job, and you don't even have any idea how many teachers have to get help from her because students are DUMB and try to get their teachers in trouble. GET OVER YOURSELF. You don't know anything.

Okay, there's my rant and rave. Thanks for reading.