It's all about attitude right now

Really.

I normally hate it when people say "choose your attitude" or something like that, mostly because when I'm in a depressive state I can't do that. It's not that simple. But right now, I'm seeing a lot of negativity on all my social networks - whether it's from my classmates about the pharmacology test coming up in 9.5 hours, or from my friends in a meeting I had to miss in order to study (so maybe it's a good thing I missed it? I dunno), or from myself dealing with certain people. I see it, and it's oddly irritating to me right now.

I don't need to hate people. I don't want to hate people, especially when there's not a specific reason other than that they aren't doing what I want them to. So maybe instead of focusing energy in a spiteful and negative direction, I'm feeling the will to channel it into my studies and really do well on this test. (still gonna hold a grudge, though. just not as venomous)

Oddly enough, I'm feeling better about learning and memorizing all these cancer drugs than I've felt about any other drug class we've studied in pharmacology. I've got about 1 and 1/4 lectures left to listen to, and then a couple powerpoints to go through. I can do that by 3:30 (about 2 hours from now). Unpopular opinion, with my classmates at least: I think the anti-cancer drugs are pretty cool. Yeah, there's a lot of them that we have to memorize and they all do different things, but the names give me hints as to how they work. I wish all drugs were like that...but alas, they are not. Anyway, I feel like I could do well on this test.

So like Elane and I talked about this afternoon, all I have to do is say "I AM going to do well. I AM going to get a good grade on this test." Good advice from Elane's mama right there. I'm going to stop saying I might, or I could, or maybe. I'm taking out the wishy-washiness of those statements. Either I'm not going to do well, or I am going to do well. It's up to me.

I'm going to stay focused. I'm going to do well on this test.

Maybe it's my finals-focus-mode coming in to play early. Maybe it's that I started working in an actual pharmacy and am already getting more comfortable with drugs. I don't know, but I hope it sticks around. I'm done whining about things being too hard, at least for tonight. Life is really busy right now, but it's been really busy before and it's going to be really busy again. I'll get through it. People sometimes don't do what I want. I'll get over it.

Tomorrow (okay, well technically today, whatever) is going to include a well-above-passing grade on the pharmacology test, 2 hours of paying attention in therapeutics, and a run. I've got about 2 weeks' worth of unused exercise energy all stored up, and I need to start using it. Hopefully duty won't be too bad (4/20, ugh dumb), and I'm going to buy some scrubs this weekend for work. I'm working 12 hours next week since we don't have any tests, it's our last week of lab and case studies for the semester, and I'm going to finally have the chance to hang out with some people I've been missing. Life is alright.

Well then. This was a lot longer than I expected it to be. If I'm going to get this studying done in the next 2 hours, I should get to it! Much love, my friends.

I drowned out all my sense

...That's what you get when you let your heart win.


The next month is going to be tough, let me tell you that.


I can do this.


I can do this.


I can do this.


Easter break was full of weird happenings and life alterations and craziness (see my last post). But now that all of that has happened and I've had a couple episodes of dead-to-the-world thinking, I'm feeling more able to put things into perspective. I reminded myself of some good advice that Shannon sent my way last summer, originally from an awesome blog called The Frenemy. I even typed it out onto a sticky note on my computer desktop so that I could see it every day...and maybe made it my cover photo on Facebook...and maybe even wrote it out and hung it above my desk.

Now is the time when I start pulling my life together. In the last couple months, I lost a lot of sense. It's time to toughen up and stop avoiding things (again). It's time to stay tough, stay confident. Because life is weird and difficult and confusing and frustrating at times - hell, most of the time. But life is also pretty awesome, and living is worth the work. So it's going to be a really trying month or so until finals are over, but you know what?


I can do this.


I can do anything, riiiiight?


Right.

And I don't even need your love

I have my bad days, and I have my good days. Lately there have been more bad days than good ones. Today was a good one, all things considered.

Life is hard, you know?

I have things complicating my thoughts. I have to do my job, I have to find a new job, I have to find an apartment, I have certain people sitting in my mind and refusing to leave, I have diseases to manage, and I have school. Even if I didn't have the other things to do, I don't think I'd be able to completely tackle school.

And I am so unmotivated to do it...any of it. I want to leave. I want to get on a train and go where it takes me. I want to disappear for the weekend and see if anyone notices. I want to be good at something, the way some people are good at reading people or at creating poetry or at flirting. I am finding that I am mediocre at all these different things but not good at any of them in particular. I mean, I'm good at math and grammar but a) what are those going to do for me, and b) there are plenty of people who are so much better at them.

I've been stuck in a rut of complacency. I need to get out of here.

On the edge

I don't know what to say.

I've been trying to think of a new post for so long, but there's just nothing I feel the need to say to everyone.

I'm fighting the edge of another depressive episode, starting with an appointment with my counselor Monday. I think I'll be fine. At least I'm being proactive about it this time?

I have a letter to write to someone. If I haven't said it here before, that's what I tend to do when I journal. I write letters to specific people - sometimes loving, sometimes angry, always honest. This one is thankful. And I should probably share it with the person to whom I'm writing when I finish it.

Anyway, I'm drowning in homework this semester, but I actually don't mind it all that much. Right now I just need to organize my life.

Maybe someday we'll figure all this out

...sorry for the lack of communication recently, friends. I've had a rough week and a half or so.

I really don't have much to report, at least not on here. But you should know that big changes may be coming...maybe. Nothing's set in stone or anything, but I've decided to take charge of my own life instead of letting other people decide for me. I'm going to do things that will make me happier, and I'm going to push myself to do something I normally wouldn't think to do.

I need to do it, because I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to do what I love, and I deserve a life that I enjoy. I don't want to waste my time.

So I'm becoming even more myself, I guess. Like I said, I'm taking charge.

By the way, I'm going to be a coordinator for next year's fall break service trips. Thought you all might like to know that.

Oh hey, also. I'm planning on doing some creating over winter break, since I hopefully will have a little free time at home. If you want anything (like a painting or something) let me know.

Also, I'm totally making these someday. Eventually. When I have my own kitchen.

If you could do anything...

...what would you do?

When you hear that question, what's the first thing that pops into your head? Anything in the world, no physical/mental boundaries. What's the first thing you'd want to do?

We're asking this question of various people here at Creighton for my building's spirit week. Our inspiration came from The Anything Project, created by the University of Victoria (in Canada). I won't lie to you - I wasn't impressed with the project at first. Sure, it provided some food for thought. But what was the point? What could just asking the question do to change anything?

As we're filming people answering it for our own video, though, I'm noticing something. Freshmen through seniors are going to be in it, and a lot of them are really surprising me. So many of their first thoughts are of what they could do for others, rather than what they'd want to do for themselves.

So maybe this project isn't pointless. Maybe it inspires consideration of the world and how to improve it. Maybe it gets people thinking about all the things they have the potential to do...because really, we have the ability to do anything in today's world. Who knows what technological advances we could see in our lifetimes? Literally anything could be possible.

So think about it. If you could do anything, what would you do?

A new fantastic point of view

There do not exist in this world many things better than the look of pure joy on your friends' faces when they're happy to see you.

Whether it's after not seeing them for a week (or a month), returning to them when you thought you'd left for the last time, seeing them after only being away from them a few hours, or passing by them on your way to or from class...there's simply nothing like it. Okay, so this is getting awfully far away from reality for the rest of you, so I'm just going to explain what I'm talking about.

Before we begin, I want to let you know I'm going to get a little faithy here. If you don't want to read about it, I understand and won't be offended. I know I have a lot of friends who are atheists/agnostics/struggling with their personal faith, so I hope you all don't see this as me preaching to you. I'm just going to write about what I felt.


Also, how are Disney songs so fitting? (see this post's title, and keep reading)

Obviously, if you read my last post, you know that I went to Montgomery, AL, on a service trip last week over my fall break. At the time I wrote that one, I was unsure of how to feel about it. I started finally getting excited during lunch the day we were leaving, when I knew it would be a week before I saw the people with whom I was eating. As our departure time approached, that feeling kept building until I was nearly exploding with excitement an hour before we were supposed to leave. I was practically skipping to my room after class got out, and I finished packing and called my mom and was ready to leave half an hour later.

I was the first one from our group to arrive at the vans, which actually was probably for the best. It gave me some time to get all my energy out and settle down before I drove everyone insane. By the time we actually pulled out of the parking lot (on time, believe it or not!), I had returned to my original state - not necessarily excited or nervous, but ready to go.

We stayed in Columbia, MO, that night - a little less than 1/3 of the way to Montgomery - because Eric's parents were so incredibly kind and let us spend the night at their house (Eric, tell your parents thanks again!). On the way there, I had one of the potentially most important conversations I've had in a very long time. I've never spoken so openly about my depression with someone I barely knew...I've never spoken about my depression with someone I barely knew. I for once wasn't overcome with emotion while talking about it, and I was able to see things a little differently because of the questions I was asked. For once, I didn't feel like I was just talking at someone. My listener was interested and curious, and I'm assuming (correct me if I'm wrong) had never really experienced something like that before, so maybe they learned from it too. I hope so.

We went to the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis that Saturday. It's inside the hotel where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was shot, and the entire experience was so surreal. I stood just a few feet from that spot. I looked into the room where he stayed. What?

The National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis, TN
The wreath marks the balcony where Dr. King was standing when he was shot.

Saturday night, we arrived at Resurrection hungry, tired, and worn out from driving 12 hours that day. Somehow we all summoned up the energy to hang out for a little while, but I had to go to bed after a little while. We went to Mass on Sunday and heard from Fr. Manuel one of the most moving homilies I've heard in a long time. I've heard the reading ("Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and give to God what is God's") a countless number of times, but it never really meant much to me. To be honest, I'd associated the entire thing with money. Fr. Manuel spoke about giving ourselves to God, though - He made us, and we are His. (See, I told you it was going to get faithy) So it provided some food for thought, most definitely.

The second thing that struck me about Mass that day was the music. Previously, I'd always thought, "Why is Gospel music such a big thing? Do people really need to be entertained while they're at church? That's not what church is about." Uhh, hello Ali. You were wrong. Experiencing it firsthand made all the difference. I realized partway through Mass how full my heart felt...and if you've been following along, you're probably aware of the fact that I've been struggling with that for a while - struggling with actually feeling something in my chest instead of the pulling weight that's been there for a few weeks. I was happy to be there, happy to be singing along even when I didn't know the words, happy to be seeing all these other happy people. So something occurred to me during the Mass...maybe the South has been doing it right, using music to express their joy and praise for God. I mean, music is where I usually find my peace. So maybe it's not about being entertained during church - maybe it's about being fully present.

The whole group at the Resurrection church picnic:
Mary Clare, Chelsea E., me, Eric, Nolan, Amy
Andi, Chelsea L., Katie, Sarah, Anne, Garret, Anthony
Teresa, Jessica, Kathryn

After Mass, we set up for the church picnic at a reception hall a few minutes away, and then we served and ate some really delicious food. By the end of it, the ladies at my table were force-feeding me the most delicious bundt cake I've ever eaten and pudding and other desserts. I think I gained ten pounds at that picnic alone.

Later in the week, we also got to see the National Civil Rights Center in downtown Montgomery (not to be confused with the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis). Its focus was on some of the people who were brutally killed during the Movement and whose deaths were important but maybe not well-known. It was very small and didn't take long to walk through and read everything, but I got more out of it than the museum in Memphis. At the end, it showed that civil rights has to do with more than just the Movement of the 1960s, that it's something the world is still struggling with tremendously. The very last part of the center was a dark room with a huge screen on one wall with countless names floating down to the floor. It was the Wall of Tolerance, the name of which I didn't really like (I prefer "acceptance" to "tolerance"), but I found it very moving to be inside that room. I wrote a lot in my journal that day, more than doubling the number of pages I'd used for my previous entries. It was definitely a powerful day.

A couple things I wanted to remember from the National Civil Rights Center

Oh man. This post is starting to get way too long. Umm...summary of other things:

I got to hang out with a bunch of 7th graders at Resurrection School, and by the end of the week they actually thought I was cool - possibly because I broke out the Dougie in Sr. Gilda's classroom. They were pretty awesome kids, not gonna lie.

My 7th graders!

I drove around the city with a few others delivering food boxes to some elderly people, which was quite the experience - Ms. Viola was wonderful, telling us to stay in school and making it obvious that she was proud of us for going to college, even though we had just met her.

We had dinner with Ms. Taylor (from the Equal Justice Initiative), Rev. Graetz (the first white preacher to publicly support the Civil Rights Movement), Dr. Hardy (who had been heavily involved with the Movement starting in his teenage years), and Mr. Malden (Nelson Malden, NOT Mandela, who was Dr. King's barber when he lived in Montgomery).

With our special dinner guests

We visited Mr. Malden's barbershop, where the guys trimmed the hairs on their heads. Anthony, Andi, and Garret got haircuts, and Eric got a straight shave.

The guys with Mr. Malden at the barbershop - don't they look great?

We visited the home for disabled adults that's located just behind the church, where I met Bobby, who reminded me a lot of one of my cousins and was really cool.

We had dinner again with Mr. Malden, and also Fr. Manuel, Fr. Fred, Michelle (who was in charge of us for the week), and a few other guests.

We helped to organize and put on Resurrection's annual gala fundraiser event where we met Ms. Bonnie and Ms. Charlotte, and I have never felt so important to two women who I'd just met ever before. I got my Southern accent back for a little bit, and now it's a lot easier for me to slip right back into it (Ms. Bonnie sounds just like my Aunt Judy, who lives in the southern part of Texas). We may have gotten food poisoning from that benefit, but who knows?

My darling Ms. Bonnie!

A lot of us were sick on the way back this past Friday. Mine hit later than everyone else's - they were all sick in the morning, but I didn't get it until we stopped for fried chicken in Memphis that afternoon. It was (of course) worst while I was driving, but I had some Gatorade and water and slept when Katie took over driving for me, and I felt a lot better that night. We stayed at Eric's house again (seriously, Eric, you can't thank your family enough for all they did for us!) and got some really great bonding time in.

If you ever go to Memphis and want some really good fried chicken, go to Uncle Lou's. Seriously, the Sweet Spicy Love  sauce was amazing, and the place has been on the Food Network twice!

I had a couple more conversations that were really critical. I found a kindred spirit whose new friendship I treasure very much, the final drive back into Omaha was again filled with a conversation that was very important, and in the affirmations I received at the very end of the trip, I found something in myself.  All these things, all these conversations...they helped me to uncover something. I don't know if I can define it accurately for you, but it's like the words people said to me that day helped me to find a beauty inside myself. It's still faint, but at least I can see it now. It's a new fantastic point of view, if you will. (eh, you see what I did there?)



"We left as strangers, but we became a family." (credit to Nolan for that one)



So did I come back changed? Maybe a little. But more than that, I came back rejuvenated, with a strengthened voice and a strengthened will to continue to be an advocate for those who are silenced.

This was by no means every detail of the trip - there are so many things I couldn't fit in here, things I'm keeping in my journal and my heart. I'd love to talk with any of you reading this about those things, but for now I'm going to have to be done.

With love, Ali G.

I feel your heartbeat

I'm a little obsessed with The Fray's new single (and The Fray in general, but we all knew that, didn't we?).

Anyway.

I'll be leaving Nebraska at 4:00 Friday afternoon with 15 people I don't really know to go to a place I've never been before (which just so happens to be approximately 17 hours away). That's right, I'm going on my first-ever service trip, and we're headed to Montgomery, Alabama, for a week over fall break. We still don't know exactly what we'll be doing when we get there, but our site has a few different areas where they may need us - an elementary school, a program for elderly adults, and other things. So I guess we'll see! We'll also be helping serve at a Mardi Gras-themed event for our site (Resurrection Catholic Missions). On our way to Montgomery, we'll be going through Memphis and stopping at the National Civil Rights Museum. I really can't wait for that part.

The memorial located where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was shot.

I'm nervous. I'm nervous, and I'm excited, and I'm a little scared. I don't know what I'm going to take away from this - I don't really know what I'm supposed to take away from this. I've always wanted to go on a service trip, but I've never had the motivation to do it like I do this year. A lot of my best friends have at least gone on service trips before, and quite a few are leading some this year. I'm glad I'm doing it, and I'm looking forward to it (although I'm going to be missing out on a lot of study time that I could probably use). I'm taking my unused "pretty" journal - too pretty to ruin by writing in it, at least until now - to keep track of my thoughts and my personal reflections on the trip. Hopefully I'll get a decent amount of time to do that. I'm thinking with at least 34 hours in a van there and back I should be good, haha. But I think I"m going to need it, just to process while I'm there. Heck, if I could take my paints, I probably would...but then I wouldn't get anything done, because I'd be lost in paint all day. By the way, I've been painting again, just a little. I haven't had much time to paint in the last few weeks, but it's okay. I have one that's almost done - a little yellow songbird on a mottled green background - but it doesn't have to be done until December. I'll have plenty of time to finish it!

Back to service trips. It's going to be a different experience (which is obviously the point). Our trip is supposed to have some extra focus on civil rights and the problem our country still has with racism. That's something I'm not really too familiar with, other than coming from a town that is now nationally known as racist. I tended to stay away from the issue while I lived in Fremont. Racism is something I don't really understand. The color of our skin, the shape of our eyes, the fullness of our lips, the texture of our hair...why does that make a difference in how we're treated or how we treat other people? Genetic traits like that do not determine our thoughts, beliefs, or actions, and it astounds me that this is still an issue in our society. I'm sure this will be a big learning experience for me.

A mural I used to drive by every day and admire. Looking at it now I see a wall that doesn't celebrate our full community - only one race.

 What stories will I have to tell? With what sort of experiences will I return? I have no idea. One thing we discussed in our preparatory meetings was having empty hearts - not empty in the sense that we don't care about anything, but empty of our inhibitions and our prejudices, in order to leave room in our hearts to be filled by the people we meet, the things we see, and the experiences we have. So what will be filling my heart when I return to Nebraska? I can't wait to see.

So this will be my last post until after I return from fall break. I'll have to make sure to write a post relatively soon after I return, because although I don't have any tests the first week back, I have three the next week. I'm sure I won't be able to convey everything in one simple post, but I'd love to chat with you all about it.

Look at (most of) my wonderful group!

Until then, so long! Wish me luck? Is that appropriate? Sure it is.


PS - I'm feeling better than I was in my last post...my last few posts, actually. School is hard, and it's been getting me down a lot lately. God, it's so difficult. But I'll survive. Just so you know. Love you all.

You can sing me anything

I've been painting.

In front of me at the moment sit five vibrantly colored canvases. There are three small ones - teal, yellow, pink - with the symbols I try to live by each day: peace, love, equality. A larger one, a navy background with a peace sign of green, yellow, and light blue. Another large one, lilac with white brushstrokes on top, with "There is only one happiness in life...to love and be loved. - George Sand" written in black. And to my left are a few other canvases at which I can't help but gaze, painted by one of the best friends I have ever known.

It feels so good to create. My paintings are simple, yes. Quite incredibly simple, actually. But they are mine. I see them and think, "There's paint on those canvases. I put that paint there. That's pretty cool." And I just keep wanting to do it more and more. We put large pieces of white paper (thankfully we have plenty at our disposal because we're RAs) down on my floor for potential paint spillage, and I've been practicing on that since I don't have any more canvas as of yet. I have two more ideas, and all I want to do is make them.

One of my ideas is a Jackson Pollock-style deal, literally throwing paint at a canvas or smearing it around with my bare hands. I'm thinking I'll need to be angry to make that one. Not sure why, but it just feels right that it'll be more of an angry painting.

And then the other...well, that one's a surprise. I can see it pretty clearly in my imagination, and I practiced it today. Between classes, meeting with residents, and other things I had to do, I just sat in the middle of my little living room and painted. I was using the paper that we put down to protect my carpet, and I simply let myself go. I have no idea how much time I spent...looking back, it was probably about an hour or two total, but it felt like it could've been all day. I'm really pleased with how my practice run turned out, and so now I'm really excited to actually paint it on a canvas. But I am a little nervous that it won't turn out the same, mostly because I sketched it out first on the paper and then painted over that. Can I sketch on canvas? Eh, I don't know. I guess we'll see.

I mean, art is kind of about experimenting, isn't it? It might not be perfect, it might not be moving, but it means something to you. Otherwise you wouldn't have made it, right? Right. So I'll go with the flow on that one. It doesn't have to look exactly like what I'm picturing, because the person for whom I'm making it isn't going to know how it looks in my head. And as long as I'm satisfied with it, I'm pretty sure that person will appreciate it too.

Mreeeh. I just want to paint all the things! What sucks is knowing that I'm giving that painting to its receiver for Christmas (because that's the next appropriate time to give things, since that person's birthday doesn't come before then), so even if I painted it tomorrow, I'll have to hang onto it for months. Grrrr. Oh wells, at least I'll be able to make it. What's bothering me about it right now is that I want to make it so badly, but I don't have a canvas or even enough paint to do it. Also, I know what I'm making 4 other friends for Christmas, and I really need to get on that because otherwise I'm not going to save enough time to do it and so I have to go buy the things I need to make them and gahhh I've spent so much money in the last couple of weeks and gahhh.

And suddenly, this has become an incredibly long post with lots of words and no fun things at which to look. So here is a picture of my new paintings sitting on my ottoman because I can't hang them up on my walls yet because in order to do that, I need wire, and I have no wire. 

It's also not the best lighting, but that's because it's 2:15am and the only light I have on right now is the floor lamp that was behind me when I took that picture. And still, I'm not tired, and I still haven't done my homework for Wednesday, but the nice thing about not having class on Tuesday is that you can get things done during the day. I'll miss my free Tuesdays when those classes start next week...

Anyway, I was feeling kind of lonely tonight but now that I've been telling you all about my paintings, I don't feel it quite so much. So that's good. I hope that whatever is happening in your lives is wonderful. You most likely didn't take the time to read all this stream-of-consciousness rambling, but that's okay. Thanks for looking.

Here comes the sun

Shannon interpreted my cards yesterday. :)

The question I had in mind was about my love life in general, and the three cards I pulled from the deck represented my past, present, and future. The past and future cards I wasn't so concerned with, but my present...well well well. The Sun, pictured above, is a very happy card according to my lovely reader. I mean, just look at it - flowers, a child on a white horse, and sunshine. So much happiness.

So it looks like I'm pleased with my life at the present? I'd say that's pretty accurate.

School started a week ago, and it's going alright so far. It's going to be a tough semester, with tough classes on top of the fact that I'm technically taking 21 credits (because you're allowed to do that in professional school). But I'll be done with 2 of them by the time the weekend begins, and one of my classes is technically 4.5 credits (how does that even work?). And maybe I'm actually enjoying that one? So maybe it won't be too bad.

Also, my new freshmen moved in last weekend, and I adore them. My floor, the Honors Scholars Community on the 9th floor of Swanson, is composed of 32 women and 18 men, plus Tim and myself of course. These freshmen are just absolutely wonderful. They're always out of their rooms in the neutral zones, or else they have their doors open. There's always a little noise on the floor, and I love it - community is definitely being built. 20-some of my gals came to Zumba with me the other day, and it was a blast. Tomorrow I'm meeting with Tim and Jesska to talk about some stuff for the Honors Program. I'm just so ready to get this year going! I think it's going to be a pretty exciting year for the floor.

Tim and Ali - best floor partners everrr

There are plenty of other things for me to be happy about right now, too. I'm turning 22 in just over a week, and I'll be spending the long weekend (yeeeeah Labor Day) floating down a river and hanging out with some awesome friends - Tim, Katie, Eric, and Shannon! Then the next weekend I'm going to the wedding of two camp friends (!!!) and hopefully celebrating my birthday a week late with more friends. Ugh life is so good right now.

Dear future pharmacist Ali,

I have some advice for you.

Remember that at one point, you were a first-year student who didn't know anything. At one time in your life, you didn't know how your pharmacy was run, where to find certain drugs, or what all those abbreviations in the signature on the prescription meant. Once, you had no idea how to take a script over the phone, or how to do a transfer to your pharmacy. You had to learn how to use the computer program and someone had to tell you all the shortcuts.

One day, a student will come into your pharmacy to shadow you. She'll have curly red hair, tons of freckles, and a terrified look on her face. She'll be really nervous because she'll have only spent about 100 hours in a pharmacy total, and she won't even remember a lot of what she learned then. She might have a job that's completely unrelated to pharmacy because she loves it and she needs to make/save money to finish school. She might not be able to answer you when you ask her why she's going into pharmacy. She might not even know if that's really what she wants to do.

That's why you're there. Your actions will be significant in this girl's eyes. You could be a driving force when it comes to her final decision to be a pharmacist. You're there to teach her, to be the one that shows her the tricks and tell her how things work. You'll be important in her life, even if it's only for a few days.

She'll make mistakes, you know she will. But that's why you check everything, because everyone makes mistakes. You'll still make them at times. So my advice to you: be patient. Remember the things your mother taught you about teaching. People generally don't completely understand everything after being told once. Heaven knows you don't! When you have to remind your student of something, say it gently. Don't make her feel like she's an idiot because she didn't already know something. Be patient. Breathe. Remember the time when you were that girl, and how terrible you felt when you forgot something the pharmacist told you or when you made a mistake.

Be patient. She'll learn a lot from you - like what kind of person she's going to be one day.

Room 516

blue sticky tack still on the side of the shelves, a long red hair stuck in it
a crack in the white plastic light fixture
plate on the south wall, its slight tilt that drove me a little crazy
irremovable safety rail on the side of the bed
drawer, third from the bottom, that only stays shut when it's empty
remaining furniture rearranged
missing a refrigerator because I brought my own
but that impossible microwave is there, the one that always burnt the popcorn
a teal plastic hook that I forgot in the bathroom
and the drain in the shower completely loose
missing its screws since it was fixed

scuffs of maroon scarring the west wall

reminders of the chair that once sat there

Important things happened here,
where I found perfection in the imperfections.

Next time I'll be braver - I'll be my own savior

Thoughts for the day/week:

• Adele. Damn.
• Third wheel hangouts that don't bother me
• Follows/unfollows shouldn't excite/bother me so much.
• Motivation to study is difficult to find when tests are a week away.
• Cold rain on warm skin
• Ten days without a debit card and only $60 cash
• Soon everyone will be leaving for the summer
• Including friends with whom I'm not close enough yet
• There's still so much for us to talk about
• Ridiculously busy schedule for the next 3 weeks
• Counseling this week, both continuing for me and starting for a dear friend
• The even stronger connection made because of it
• Making friendship bracelets
• Date for the wedding?
• Need to ask soon!
• Shadows
• a.k.a. WOW some of my friends are really talented
• Sick of degrading crap on Twitter from anonymous people here at school
• Thankful for people who take notice
• And who know what I need, rather than assuming they can just fix it.

I must become the lion-hearted girl

It's time to organize my life.

I've got five tests left of my first year of pharmacy school. Four of them are in two weeks (one Monday, two Tuesday, one Wednesday), and one is the next Wednesday. Until then, I have time to study a couple hours every day and really get prepared for them - I need to prepare for them. My grades have not been so hot this semester, and I definitely know the reasons why. Now that we're at the end of the year, it's time to take care of those reasons and do as well as I can. It all started today with my first 100% on a test this year! Too bad the class is pass/fail...

Outside of classes, there are things I need to take care of in my personal life as well. I'm more content with my life right now than I have been in a long time, which is really great. I have more and more days where I can tell myself I'm worth it, that I look nice, that I am someone to love. I told Scott last night that for once, I feel like I can do it. What it is I can do, I'm not quite sure...but I can do it. I'll figure it out. I'm still scared. I'm confused, and I'm lost, and I'm afraid. But that's not taking over my life right now.

Fear is necessary sometimes, and it tells us that we're doing something big, something that matters. It could be dealing with a part of your life you've never acknowledged before, or realizing that these people you love won't be here with you forever (or you won't be here with them forever), or deciding between living across the world for a while and staying with the people you need in your life. Whatever the source of our fear, the fact that it exists tells us that life is about to change, no matter what happens. Something's going to be different, and we've got to deal with it.

But we're not alone. We're never alone.

Happiness is just outside my window

I'm thankful daily for the people in my life. Today, it's especially Elane, Steph, Patrick, and Andrew.

I'll explain why later. Much later, when I don't have a test tomorrow, lab the next day, 5 hours of class the next day, 10 hours of class the day after that, and 2 tests next week. So basically, I won't be saying much for a week.

Sorry. :(

The weakness, the sadness, the sirens, the madness

The pounding in your chest...like you're racing the street in an ambulance.

I don't know how to feel today. It's almost like I don't want to be happy right now. I just feel like being bitchy. Yikes.

I'm attributing it to my lack of sleep and the crappy duty from last night. There were just things to deal with, people who wouldn't stop talking...blah. I was up until 4:15 and then had to get up at 7:15 to pick up a friend and go volunteer at Project Homeless Connect Omaha (which is really amazing...so many resources for the homeless community of Omaha!). Plus I had the duty phone, which I really didn't want to be carrying around with me at PHCO because...well, why would I? Also, it snowed last night. Thank God I didn't fall this time.

I was parked in the garage, which is halfway across campus. Then I couldn't find a parking spot to fit my car, so I ended up going back to the garage after dropping off Elane (aforementioned friend) at PHCO. Then I ran back to drop off the duty phone at the front desk because it was finally 8:00, then ran to PHCO to check in. Whew.

My PHCO clients took longer than expected, mostly because there were two of them and only one of me. So I got out of there about an hour later than I had planned on, which was fine. Then I had a meeting at 12:45, which went very well, but immediately after that I had to go do two other things on campus before I had to work at 2:00...uggggh. Then I worked til 5, and then I had to check in for duty for the second night in a row. Now I'm working at the desk again, and it's fine. I'm just sick of dealing with people and I want them to read my mind.

So it's been a crazy day with hardly any time to just take a breath.



Yesterday, however, was really relaxing up until the evening. It was wonderful - I slept for 9 hours, got a free cupcake, helped some friends out...beautiful. But then duty happened, and people had their super-sassy pants on and I wasn't feeling that. My mood just kept steadily decreasing until I finally just let go while Eric was hugging me. All I needed was to be held for a second - really, that's all I ever need.

Maybe it's just been building up all week. Starting with the tests that didn't go well because I didn't feel like trying, followed by a talk with my boss that I never really planned to have (and actually have never had with anyone else, even Patrick or Steph - btw you two, feel free to ask if you want to know), then possibly unintentionally (and regrettably) putting myself in the friend category with someone...then last night...then today...blaaaaaaaaah.

Good things did happen, though - spring training for next year's ResLife staff, lunch with same someone, lunch with others, going out with friends from home...lovely. Got re-hired for camp, getting an email instead of an interview for the job I had last summer, interview for the job I actually want this summer in a couple days...fantastic. But this mood just isn't going away.

I need sleep.

She's on your mind

It's been a few days full of The Fray for me lately. Sorry, I don't really have time to post anything right now due to a physiology exam that will be over 12 hours from now, but here's a song for you to consider. Love you all. ♥

Student - Ted Kooser

The green shell of his backpack makes him lean

into wave after wave of responsibility,

and he swings his stiff arms and cupped hands,

paddling ahead. He has extended his neck

to its full length, and his chin, hard as a beak,

breaks the cold surf. He's got his baseball cap on

backward as up he crawls, out of the froth

of a hangover and onto the sand of the future,

and lumbers, heavy with hope, into the library.

I'm sure you can all figure out who this is for.

I think I like today...

"...I think it's good...it's something I can't get my head around."

Basically, today was fantastic.

I hardly slept last night because I was so inspired to edit a poem I had posted on here a while ago. I changed it three times last night, then completely overtook it twice again this afternoon. When I was finally satisfied and could read it aloud and feel the ebb and flow of my heart along with it, I submitted it to Shadows, the literary magazine. Who knows whether it'll be accepted or not. Regardless, I will hopefully get some comments on it to see what the staff liked and what they would have changed. Look at me, learning how to take criticism.

Classes were typical, nothing special. But my assignments for the weekend were pretty dang easy, which is really nice. Had my meeting with Mandi (mah booosssss), which went really well. She said that I was mentioned in a few weekly reports, even though she had only sent one comment to me. That made me feel incredible, to be honest. All I want is to make my friends feel good about themselves. All I want is to help, and it's nice to hear that I did every once in a while.

Dinner with wonderful friends, of course, made the day even better. Steph is finally back! :) Also, I began listening to Kerrigan-Lowdermilk's album that I bought on iTunes last week, and I can't get enough. Especially this song. It just makes me want to dance - I'm feeling lyrical with that one. OH, and after dinner. Shannon took me to the stress-relief program they were having in McGloin: PUPPIESSSS. Oh my goodness.

I feel pretty today. I legitimately dressed up, with a sweater-dress and leggings and boots and all. Why? Umm...just because? I felt like looking hot today! And I've been waiting for the right weather to wear this outfit. I curled my hair before dinner, and it turned out super-well! I really like what my bangs are doing right now, and I'm thinking it might happen more often.

Possible enhancement to my look...I was happy. As Audrey Hepburn said, "I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls."

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are, because He made you perfectly."

Before I begin, a side note: I think I just fell in love with Taio Cruz's "I'll Never Love Again."

Today. Today started off with very little sleep, but a little more than the night before. Alarm at 6:30, up around 6:50. To the classroom at 7:00, test at 8:00. Lunch consisting of junk food in the library studying for test #2. Test at 2:30. I didn't do as well as I had hoped on either of the tests, but I guess that's kind of what happens when your professors are terrible at scheduling exams and give you three in two days.

(I guess it's also kind of due to the fact that I didn't pay attention in class and spent less time studying for these than the one yesterday, but I'm going to blame other people because that makes me feel less terrible about myself.)
Anyway, so then I had some time off to sit around, chill, and clean up a little bit. Then I had a professional meeting (Midwest College of Clinical Pharmacists, woot!) at 5:30 - baked potatoes included, yum - which focused on INSULIN THERAPY MANAGEMENT. Yessssssssss. I was fascinated, enthralled, and engaged for every second of that presentation. And it wasn't even that great - I just love learning more and more about my disease/future career. So it was great, and I was ecstatic leaving the meeting at 7:00.

Some of my excitement, however, may have been because Wine Tuesday had then arrived. I chilled with my ladies, drank some cheap but delicious wine, and enjoyed being alive for a couple hours. It was beautiful.

So overall, I actually kind of ended up enjoying today. It really wasn't terrible like I thought it was going to be.

Also, I'm hoping Steph feels less stressed out soon! Sending lots of love her way.






Still angry. Made a list of reasons today, which ended up being a lot longer than I originally thought. Eh, we'll see how it goes.