I can't make you love me if you don't

It's been an interesting few days. All in all, I think the rough patches in my week have turned out to be blessings. A recap:

• black-eyed susans and wild mustard
• sandhills and tree-filled bluffs
• one last sunburn of the summer
• people-loving dogs and cuddly cats
• the Milky Way
• vibrant sunsets
• late dinners
• food from the garden
• standing in a river and feeling whole for once
• being more content than ever
• still having to take life one day at a time
• late night Sonic runs
• pinkie promises through Skype
• tighter hugs than usual

I could offer you a warm embrace

Adele's back to being stuck in my head. Make You Feel My Love, One and Only...they say it all. I've got a headache from the tears I've been needing to cry but couldn't. Twice now, HP7P2 has given me the release of emotion that I need. Also, I really can't wait until everyone comes back.

13 years

13 years gone like 13 minutes...underwater.

Now that July 18th is over, I think it's time for a little reflection. The day marked the 13th anniversary of my diagnosis with type I diabetes, and to be honest, it was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. It carried a lot of emotion that I hadn't been expecting, and the day in general hurt a lot more than it usually does.

Normally my "diabeteversaries" are happy occasions, days when I get treated to a nice dinner and sometimes even cake! The past few years have been really chill, because after a while it's not such a big deal anymore. I didn't mean for this one to even be a big deal. A Facebook status, a Tumblr post, a tweet or two. Not too much. But I guess it was my own fault that it became a bit bigger, because I talked about this one a lot. I mean, it is kind of interesting that my diabetes is a teenager now. But then I started making it a bigger deal than I even wanted it to be, so much that Claire even made me a cake (which was delicious and so awesome of her - thanks friend!).

It didn't help that my mom sent me this text: "Hey hun, it never ceases to amaze me how much courage you have shown in dealing with your medical conditions. I'm thinking of you on this 13th anniversary. Luv, mama." I overlooked it when I first got it, but when I went to reply later, it just hit me. I wouldn't be alive if it hadn't been for her.

It was a reminder of how fragile my life is, how easily I could lose control, how easily it could kill me. Maybe you don't know this (or maybe you do), but I've had four seizures, including two in my sleep. I've struggled with the temptations of diabulimia (which I'm sure you can find some information about on the Google machine - too much effort to go into it right now), it's been a major source of my depressive times, and I stopped caring for a long time during spring semester this year. No, wait. I didn't just stop caring; I let it take over, I let it get to me. For the first time, I felt defined by it.

Diabetes sucks. It really, really sucks. And I legitimately am sorry that I can't explain it very well to those of you who aren't diabetic. Unfortunately, you just can't know how it affects you unless you have it. I know you can see how it affects me, and you might feel like you get it, but it's just one of those things, you know? One of those things that is just impossible to fully understand until you're the one dealing with it. That's why camp has been so important to me - it's the one place where everyone really understands. I've never had the same connection with another person as I have with Lauren, my best friend from camp. I'm very lucky to have someone like her who understands and has had very similar life experiences.

I apologize for any time ever when I have not been very patient in talking with you about it. I know that you might just want to understand better, or you're curious about how things work. If I have lost my patience (or lose it in the future), please know it's not your fault. I know I have said before that it's my favorite thing to talk about, but if I'm being honest, it's really not. I'm not going to avoid talking about it or try to keep it a secret, but I only talk about it because it's something I can discuss for hours on end.

Another note - please, please spare me the diabetes jokes. They're a lot less funny when that's your reality. Also, they hurt more than you think they do.


I guess what I'm getting at here is that diabetes is a large part of my life. It affects me daily, to an extent you can't imagine. People tell me they couldn't imagine giving themselves shots every day, that I'm so strong and courageous, that they wouldn't be able to do it. I know they mean well, and I really appreciate the sentiment. But honestly, I would trade anything for it. I'm not brave, I'm just trying to stay alive. You might not think you'd be able to do it, but five injections a day is a lot better than dying so that's the option I choose.

So...I guess that kind of covers it. It's confusing and it's messy and it's anything but pleasant. It comes with other issues, it creates a lot of problems, and it's inconvenient. It creates days like this that end in tears, and it hurts - both externally and internally. And now, once again:

Proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams

I got caught in the rain.

It might not have been exactly the experience I was looking for, but it had a similar effect. Elane and I went to the Parachute/Michelle Branch/Goo Goo Dolls concert on Friday, and it was fantastic. It was a great reminder of what music means to me - I think I've been forgetting that lately. I wasn't expecting much from Michelle Branch, but I think I actually got the most out of her setlist.

The rain fell lightly while the Goo Goo Dolls were playing, and it had such a cool effect on the show. While the rain fell and we were singing along, I couldn't help but feel happy. Life was beautiful in that moment. As we left the concert, though, the rain started pouring down harder and harder. That was more like what I had wanted to experience, but we were running to the car so I didn't get to just stop and let the drops hit me. I did enjoy it, though. It was refreshing and fun.

Going back to that last post...I was in need of a really good cry when I wrote it, and I was trying and trying but I couldn't. Thankfully I got my chance to get it out during the Harry Potter midnight premiere! Haha.

But I'm starting to feel it again. I just want to watch sappy movies and read poetry and receive hugs. That's all I want right now. And I miss all my friends who aren't in Omaha severely. I think I've made that pretty obvious and I have no other way to say it that I haven't already used. I just really, really miss you all.

Also, Let the Rain just started playing on my iTunes, which I have on shuffle. Coincidence?

I just need the rain to remind me

"I always felt it before, that the world was filled with much more than the drowning soul I've learned to be. I just need the rain to remind me."

I need to get caught in the rain.

I'll be walking around campus with nothing to do in the late afternoon. I'll feel the drops begin, followed by the downpour. Warm summer rain will fall on my head, for once clearing the thoughts that swirl there. Not worth it, worth it, do something, don't do anything. The water hitting the still-warm sidewalk will create a mist into which I can retreat, a cover behind which I can let the rain fall from my eyes. Because try as I may, I cannot cry now. I have nothing worth spilled tears at this moment, but I need to cry.

There are too many ways this song (found here) is a representation of my life.

I want to darken in the skies, open the flood gates up. I want to change my mind, I want to be enough. I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time. I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground, let the rain come down.

If I ever get the nerve to say hello

Euphoric.

That's how I felt tonight, sitting on a blanket watching my hometown's fireworks show with my second family. With colors bursting over my head, shattering into a thousand little pieces of light, I wasn't even thinking about anything. Entranced by the fiery sky, I didn't feel the need to hold in my stomach, or to mess with my hair, or to sit in any particular fashion. I felt simple, innocent, happy. Euphoric.

As I reread my most recent post a few minutes ago, I couldn't help but notice how out-of-place the last paragraph seems. I apologize for that. I had meant to end it on a high note, but then I ended up getting all lonely and downhearted again. Life is good, and since I wrote that, all I've been feeling is...I don't really know how to describe it. This sort of...giddiness, maybe? Just feeling happy to be alive. There are so many things that I am able to do and so many things that I want to do and it's wonderful.

I have better friends than I could even ask to have - ones who send me letters, play songs for me that make them think of me, respond to my Tumbls, text me with random hilarious things about their days, and call on a random afternoon while they're driving home just to chat for a little while. I am so blessed to have this life.

Omaha, somewhere in middle America

"Get right to the heart of matters...it's the heart that matters more."
Omaha, Counting Crows

It's been an interesting week so far. Fun and heartache, stress and fear, loneliness and love. I think I've still got a lot to learn about myself, but I'm getting used to the idea.

I love this city...so incredibly much. Omaha has become my home in the last year - I actually feel like a visitor when I go back to my hometown. Crazy, isn't it?

You know, I think it's the people that make the difference. Even people I just met a month ago (ahem, Claire) are making this summer the best one yet. It's the conversations I have, and it's the adventures we go on, and it's the promise of being loved for me. That's what makes this my home. Home might not necessarily be a place, but instead it might be more of a feeling. The feeling of having a heart that's happy - that's the feeling of home.

Someday I'll find a man who loves all of me, every odd-fitting piece of the puzzle that is me. And if you already love them...well, sometimes I need to be told that.

This is life, and it's good.

It's a best friend marrying the man who was meant for her. It's getting to share in the joy of the celebration as a bridesmaid. It's standing up on stage, laughing at the pastor's jokes and feeling the tears in your eyes when you see him looking at her with so much love in his eyes.

It's messing up and accidentally giving the wrong address and feeling terrible and apologizing a million times. It's the awkward introductions. It's the rest of the room disappearing while you're having a conversation. It's so many hugs. It's having a fantastic time while you're not even doing anything.

It's cracking up at old camp memories and it's realizing how well you're understood by each other. It's seeing a perfect little apartment that's so crowded with stuff and knowing there's tons more stuff coming into it soon. It's staying up until 2:30 AM when you have to get up in six hours but there's just so much to discuss. It's not being afraid to share your secrets because they're her secrets too. It's picking up right where you left off, no matter how many months or years it's been.

It's muffins for breakfast. It's a bitter cup of coffee with frozen whipped cream because there's no milk. It's singing along to every song on the way home and realizing that you are so incredibly happy. It's a fresh mani/pedi and lunch before leaving again, and it's a friend coming to visit for a while.

This is your life, and it is so good.

Tonight, tonight

What am I doing tonight?

Sitting in my room, watching Pride and Prejudice alone for the third (or is it the fourth?) time this summer.

What a waste of an I-feel-pretty day.

You could crush me

It's that feeling of wanting something so deeply it starts to hurt. It starts in your chest, down below your heart, and it swells and it aches. There are no sharp pains, just a constant throbbing that spreads to your shoulders and down your arms. It's so strong that you think your heart might burst, and you try to breathe and you try to relieve the aching but it just won't fade.

Inside is not a heart, but a kaleidoscope

Too many serious posts lately.

So, I'm living in a building full of seminarians (175 of them) for the summer, in case y'all didn't know that. They're silent right now, which is awkward on top of the fact that they're already awkward in general. But it's interesting, you know? Even in their silence, I'm learning from them - I spent an hour in silence last night, and it was incredibly calming and serene.

I've had the privilege of meeting Father Michael Delcambre recently. He's been here for IPF (the Institute of Priestly Formation) for the past few days, teaching the seminarians. Sadly, he's leaving to go back to Louisiana early tomorrow, but I'm grateful for the chances I had to chat with him.

I don't have much time, so I'm going to make this quick. The main thing I've learned from Fr. Michael is to not only see the beauty in things we notice each day, but to try to understand why we noticed them. He calls it our "grace moment of the day." I feel like I'm not explaining this well.

It's a moment during our day when we can feel or see God in our lives - something that awes or amazes us. Does that make more sense?

Anyway, I like the idea of it. So I'm going to start doing it, journaling my grace moment each day. I think it'll be a good way to really examine the beauty in my life.

Sorry, I don't want to go all evangelical on you guys. This is basically just me rambling. But I just wanted to share that little piece of happiness with you. :)

A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me - Derrick Brown

This, guys. Just this.

Signed sincerely, me

Yep, I'm doing it. I'm writing a post about not writing.

It's been a long time since I've written something real...on here, at least. That crap poem where I couldn't put into  words how much I felt doesn't count - a) because I couldn't put into words how much I felt, and b) because I wrote it in a notebook first. Also, I wrote a letter the other night (that made me cry because I was so overwhelmed with everything I wanted to convey), and it will be on its way to the recipient very very soon (I promise). So I have done a little writing, yes, but not like this. This is stream of consciousness, flowing straight from my fingertips, less thought-out and deliberate writing.

Why, though?

I don't really know. Maybe I haven't had time to collect thoughts about any particular subject. Maybe I've just kind of been floating along the last few weeks and haven't actually felt passionate about any particular subject. Maybe it's that I don't want to share everything with...well, everybody.

Of the three options I've just allowed myself to consider, I think it would have to be the last one that is most likely to be the cause of this writer's block(?). It's quite possible that some of the subjects about which I've wanted to write are too much to share here. It's possible that they might be looking at this post right now.

#whoops

Also for that reason, I have not been sharing nearly as much personal information as I usually do...well, anywhere. Because I don't know who's seeing this or my Tumblr or anything else, I don't want to overstep boundaries that might exist or cause awkward situations that are only going to break my heart. I'm usually so willing to share everything with everyone, and now I'm wondering why. If I put everything out there, where's the mystery? It's the mystery that makes people crazy, makes them think and analyze and crave.

Sometimes I wish I could focus on certain people and see what they do. It would make things so much easier. But then I know that I wouldn't want to use that power, for fear of not seeing what I hoped.

So basically, I think about you a lot, and all I can do is hope that you do the same. Except about me. Because you shouldn't think about yourself as much as I think about you. That's just conceited, and you're not like that.

This rambling post brought to you by the 1:30 AM version of Ali G.

In a romantic mood tonight

...but then again, when am I not?

• Pride and Prejudice playing on my tv
• champagne-colored nail polish
• TOTES wearing this for Lauren's wedding
• probs ending this calm evening with a little Pablo Neruda
• this movie has one of the best soundtracks I've heard
• especially "Dawn"

Also, I happen to be surrounded by young, single men. And they're all pre-priests. Greeeat.

I think I need a good things list right now

• Started out the day with some awesome people at the Omaha Heritage Festival...interesting to say the least.
• Got a little sun! :) Thank goodness for SPF 15 makeup, otherwise it'd be a lot worse.
• Saw Andrea for a little bit - I miss my Kiewit staff friends with a ridiculous amount of missingness, so it was really great getting to chat with her.
• Went through a tonnn of pictures to find the ones I needed to print. Such great memories.
• Baaaaaseballlllllll game - MVC champions! #rolljays
• Got the attention I needed - less than what I was really hoping for, but that's okay.
• Working on a care package for Patrick. :)
• Feelings validated by Tumblr - sometimes it's okay to be a stupid girl.
• My first experience with Red Mango! Yummmm
• The Prince and Me on TBS ♥
• HP and the Chamber of Secrets to finish the evening.

Man in the Moon

I will see you in the moon,
and you can find me in the stars.
In the violet dusk on the horizon
over the ocean in front of you,
I'm there, refusing to be
swallowed by the city lights.
I found my glimmer in you
and my twinkle in your eyes.
Speak to me, man in the moon,
and I'll wait here in the night.
I'm listening for you,
glistening for you,
and you can find me in the stars.

For two very special men on two very different coasts. Miss you so much.

Party in your bedroom

I'm loving my roomba for the summer. I've got bunkbeds AND an armchair. YES. Next to come are white Christmas lights and some framed pictures!

Home is wherever I'm with you

Things I'm loving about home so far:

1. I can take a baaaath here.
2. I've read a hundred pages of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone tonight.
3. My parents and I had a good conversation over dinner.
4. I didn't have to pay for my dinner. ;)
5. I'm snuggled under my quilt reading, it's only 11:00 and I'm tired, and I can sleep in tomorrow.
6. I get to see some truly wonderful friends tomorrow.
7. I didn't have to buy my own groceries.
8. My parents are on a good spell, it seems. It's always nice when I don't have to be stuck in the middle of a pointless argument.
9. I get to see a bunch of my extended family on Sunday.
10. Although there's still an air of not really belonging here, I'm glad I am. It's not so frustrating this time.

You've been on my mind

Good things list:

• Bike ride tonight, to Iowa and back.
• My leg muscles seem to have remembered they exist.
• I will be extremely sore when I get up in the morning.
• An "I miss you" text that I really needed.
• PS - I miss you right back, and I can't wait to send you the package I'm planning.
• Made it to Scooter's with 10 minutes to spare before it closed.
• Wonderful time spent back at the Kiewit desk with Lance.
• His fambam is basically awesome. :)
• Can finally send in my RSVP for the wedding!
• (because now I know who's coming to it with me)
• Wishing Elane's and my schedules could not be polar opposites for just one evening.
• Back to living in Swanson!
• But I do really miss Kiewit...
• Going home this weekend.
• Seeing the mama, the papa, the bffs, and the extended fambam!
• So many tears in the last couple weeks.
• Yes, that is a good thing.
• It means I was moved or that I really truly love the people in my life (and miss them a ton).

I just wanna be alone with your smile

2 things:

• That damn dream I had this morning. It was the first one about you in months. You were standing there, holding the hand of a girl who was taller, skinnier, and had darker red hair than me. In the beginning, your hair seemed like you cut it, but then I realized it was longer than ever. You were so self-absorbed that you didn't even notice me.
• Seeing lyrics from Blink-182's "M+M's" on Tumblr. It took me back to that time when we just sat in your car and you played it for me, telling me to listen to all the lyrics. All I wanted was to buy some candy (but not cigarettes) and drive to Madagascar with you. And I thought of how those are your favorite candy, and how I bought you that 42-ounce bag of them when I left for school so you'd eat them at work and think of me.

So I played it, and Dammit came on next, and why does every Blink-182 song have to be about you? Why did I have to start listening to your favorite band so much that I can still remember all the words, even though I haven't listened to them in a year and a half? And then there was Feeling This, and I could remember singing harmony with you in the car, and how you played Down and I didn't really understand it.

And it's not that I miss you, it's that I wish you would have tried harder. Because then I wouldn't be crying about nostalgia, I'd be crying about how I'm going to be in Omaha and you're going to be in Texas for the summer, but I wouldn't be alone tonight because you're not leaving for another couple of weeks.

And I just want to know what makes you smile now and if it still hurts to think about that night, whether you thought about coming after me when I left, and why you never called. And if you talked to your mom or your grandma or your brothers and what they said about me and what if I had gone to your grandma's wedding last summer? How the smell of the Garnier Fructis in my hair doesn't remind me of yours anymore, it's just how my hair smells now.

And how I just want to prove to you how much better off I am without you pulling me down all the time and how you hated my friends and how I hated that you hate everyone. And how you ruined Christmas for me that year and never wanted to introduce me to your family and how I never understood that.

And how I wish you'd call, still. That you'd want to apologize and show me how you've changed and become a better person. And how I'd pretend not to know who was calling because I deleted your number but can still remember it immediately when I think about it. And how I try not to think about it, but suddenly it's there, just like the way you'd roll your eyes when you were being ridiculous and how much I loved your real smile and how rarely I saw it because you were never happy, just content. And how I couldn't handle just being content and just wanted to make you happy but never could and how I drove myself crazy with that.

And how you had such an amazing smile.