For Caitlin...

I found out earlier today that Caitlin, my 12-year-old cousin (twin sister to Meghan - they live out in Baltimore), either was or is going through emotions similar to mine. I can't believe it...she's twelve! Twelve. Seriously? I didn't know 12-year-olds could be depressed, let alone nearly suicidal. She's the one on the far left...this picture's from my dance recital last year, and we danced to Thriller. Thus the strange outfit. But anyway.

My aunt found some of my uncle's pills and a note in her room...I can't believe it. Caitlin said it was from a few months ago and that she's over it, but I'm not sure I believe that. She's gone to a couple counseling sessions, I guess...I wish I could talk to her about it, but I can't. She would hate her mother for telling my mom, and my mom for telling me, and me for asking about it.

I just wish...I wish that we could talk about it and make an agreement. I feel like if we allied it would help both of us. I guess that talk will just have to wait a while.

New start?

I found amazing girls to live with, and I can't wait for next year. In the meantime, though, I have to deal with the here and now, and I don't really know how to do it.

I'm going to the counseling center on campus after Honors tomorrow...please don't tell.

What?

I can deal with not having you as a roommate, but I can't deal with not having you as a friend. I need to talk to you. Please.
I don't understand why I'm the one getting punished, and I don't want to be the new "her." Please, Sarah.

You'll probably never read this, but I need to say it.

Dear you (you know who you are, and if you don't know whether that means you or not, it doesn't),

I can't believe you did this to me. I don't want to hear your defenses right now; I just want to tell you what I feel.

I feel hurt, mostly. Hurt that you would not give me a chance to defend myself before just springing this on me. Hurt that you don't believe me when I try. Hurt that you won't rethink your decision at all.

I feel angry. Angry at myself for getting into this. Angry at you for doubting me. Angry at you for doing this to me when I didn't do anything except try to help YOU. Angry at you for pulling this days before the deadline and not giving me a chance to find someone else.

I feel betrayed. Betrayed because I was doing that for you and you alone. I listened to you, I listened to her, and I TOLD YOU I agreed with you. I told you that! And yet you still are leaving me out in the cold. All I wanted to do was help. I didn't hide anything from you, I put all my cards out on the table, and you didn't say ANYTHING. You never asked me to stop being nice to her, even though that's apparently what you wanted. Oh, and if that's what you wanted, I'm sorry but that is SO mean, and immature, and terrible. So I feel betrayed that when I'm the one trying to help, I'm the one who gets hurt.

I feel like this isn't the real reason. I think that over the past few weeks, you've been searching, finding things about me that you can't live with. Since I have told you everything, I think that's the reason you can't get over it. It's not that you don't trust me - it's that you're using it as an excuse. I don't care what you say, that's what I think it has to be. Because I've explained everything, that part of it should just disappear, but it's not. So there has to be something else.

I want you to feel my pain. I want you to know that it's going to take me a very, very long time to get over this and trust you again. I want you to realize that even though you say you know how much I am hurting, you have NO idea how much it really is.

And I want you to know about the feelings you brought back into my life that I never thought I'd feel again. Only 3 people know this (at least that's all I've told), but 3-4 years ago, I thought constantly about killing myself. I hated my life so much that I just wanted to die. It faded later into not thinking about killing myself, but instead praying that I would die in a freak accident or something. I was completely fine with dying, just to escape my life. I never tried, and thankfully those thoughts faded (or so I thought). I thought I was done thinking them, that they would never return.

But this weekend's events actually brought them back. I think it would just make everything easier if I no longer existed. You could still live with them, you wouldn't have to live with me. Everything would be better for you. I'm not going to act on them, but as much as I try, I can't shake them.

You have caused me to lose all my trust in anyone. I trusted you completely, and this is what you do to me. You try to protect yourself from what you fear most about your friendships, and it doing that you hurt me with what I fear about them: not being good enough. So that's what you've done to me. I hope you're happy next year.

I'm going to try not letting this break our friendship, but it's going to be cracked, no matter what. It's kind of like glass...the whole window hasn't been shattered, but a corner's been broken off and can never be reattached seamlessly. I still love you like a sister, but this wound's going to take some time to heal.



Avoiding me isn't going to help us become friends again. Don't act like you're not - I know you are. But you can't fix a problem by ignoring it. That's why I think you're making the wrong decision. And I need you more than ever right now.

I don't...

I just don't understand. I have no idea how this happened. I just don't get it. Today was such a good day, and now...I don't even know what to say.

I don't even know how I feel right now. I can't say anything because I don't know what I WOULD say. I'm just hurt, and upset, and a little bit angry (but more hurt), and I don't know what to do. I don't know.

I just don't know.

A Distant Day

I'm dreaming
of a day when people
will accept people as people.
Nothing more,
nothing less.

I'm dreaming
of a day when we
will change collectively.
For the better,
not the worse.

I'm dreaming
of a day when you
will see yourself as beautiful.
Unique and lovely,
not weird and ugly.

I'm dreaming
of a day when I'll be able
to feel that way about myself.
Not perfect,
but content.

Ups and Downs

Okay, so today has had some major ups and downs.

Downs:
1) It was the first day back to classes after spring break.
2) I had to stay inside my classes and watch other people out and about enjoying the AMAZING weather we're having in Omaha right now.
3) I really wish it was summer.
4) I had to dissect a rat.

Ups:
1) I got a 90 on my last Chem test, which is a good improvement from the previous one!
2) I got a 97 on my Philosophy paper for one of the toughest teachers on campus!
3) It is wonderfully, gloriously, enlighteningly gorgeous outside today, and will be tomorrow!
4) I worked out and enjoyed it!
5) I love my friends!
6) We're making smoothies tonight!
7) I am inspired once again!

So the ups definitely outweigh the downs, which kind of makes my day. :) Therefore, I have had a great day today. Hope y'all did too!

I don't know what else to do, so I'll blog!

I'm so bored right now. Soooooo bored. Ryan's asleep, so I can't text him, Facebook is boring me, no emails are coming in...even my Twitter hasn't changed in 4 hours! Insanity, I tell you. The most boring insanity you've ever come across.

I wrote a lot today...I finished my Philosophy paper that's due Monday (wow, I can't believe spring break is almost over), and then I wrote another page or so for my novel. I still have no idea what I'm going to call it...maybe I'll do like Sir Thomas Malory and have my publisher title it in incorrect French once I finish it.
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Like so. Lol.

But yeah, that's what I did today. OH! Plus I went shopping for summer clothes with my mama. That's always fun. :) Got some great stuff: 2 pairs of denim shorts, some tank tops, a SWEET 80's-flashback top, and a few other shirts. I enjoy shopping. :D

Right. So...I think I'll try to write a little more...and maybe read some more Tristan & Iseult. I like that book. It reads quite easily, and is much better than the movie. :)

Lovez!

Holy crapoli...

Oh my God...I can't believe this. I just can't get over it...do you know what this could mean for me? HOLY CRAP!

To explain why I'm freaking: a soon-to-be-published author is reading my novel blog!!!! OMG. WHAT? HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?! I have been blessed by the writing gods. I mean, that's actually part of the reason I started the blog, hoping that someone with connections would eventually stumble upon it. But I honestly never thought that would really happen. I don't know how to feel about this...I mean, I'm unbelievably psyched about this opportunity to connect with someone in the writing world, but it makes me nervous. I don't want to disappoint...

And the thing that sucks about it is the fact that I'm kinda stuck with it...I'm not sure how to keep the story going. What I started writing made it go too quickly, and that was the problem with the novel I attempted writing last summer. So that's why I haven't posted on there in a while. Well that and the outrageous amount of homework that comes with college...but you know, I was doing pretty well there for a while. I just need some inspiration.

So I'm on spring break, and SO GLAD. I've been able to spend a little more time with Ryan... :)
which I am definitely enjoying. We went bowling on Saturday and played some pool at the alley - haha we both suck at pool! And I suck at bowling (he's really good at it), but I really enjoy it. The only bad part of it, though, is that I kind of injured my quad/hip again. :( It has been killing me since then, but I went back to the chiropractor again and got my hip popped back in. So it's been better today. He also fixed my neck, which has been hurting a lot lately. Dr. Brainard said it's from looking down so much...stupid homework! Haha.

So yeah, I've gotten to see Ryan twice since I got home on Friday. I can't be with him too much since he doesn't have spring break...silly high school. Plus, he works quite a bit in the evenings. But I'll take what I can get. :) I always enjoy spending time with him, even if we just eat fast food and rent a movie. It's always a good time. Plus his mom Angiee is really cool and I get to see her too! And I got to see his grandma the other evening because she came over to his house. I like her too. :) Haha I kinda feel like part of their family, even after only 10 months (on St. Patrick's Day!).

So...that's what's going on with me. How about you?

Oh wow...I think I actually just got a little bit of inspiration...
Lovez!

WTF????????

I have had such a TERRIBLE day today. I hated it violently...though not as violently as Michelle last night. :P But still. I'm starting to realize that I only enjoy Tuesdays and Thursdays...know why? Because I have my Lit classes those days, and Chem, Bio, and Philosophy on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays! I hate all my MWF's and I love all my TR's. I've figured it out! I LOVE LITERATURE!!! Honors and World Lit make school worth going to. But it sucks that I only have those classes two days a week. Grrr.

So yeah. It was a sucky day.

Sigh...I don't have a title for this one.

I apologize heartily for the lack of blogging these last two weeks...life has taken over my life. I've lost inspiration, lost motivation, lost...idk. I'm just lost right now.
I'm waiting for Friday, when I can go home and just BE for a week...probably all I'll be doing is homework, but I'm okay with that. I'm tired of going to classes right now...I just want the academic year to be over. I'm still enjoying it, mind you. I'm just at that point in the semester where I can't believe it's only halfway done and I still have a quarter of my freshman year left. And then I think, "Wow, I only have a quarter of my freshman year left???" I'm in-between, not sure, and relatively apathetic right now.

My grandma died a year ago today. I miss her so much that I can't bear it sometimes. I was really close to her, and I miss hearing her voice over the phone, and her hugs, and everything else about her...I can't be angry though. She was suffering a lot in the last few years of her life, and now she's back with my grandpa, the love of her life. I know they're okay...I had a dream the night of her funeral, and all I remember from that dream was seeing her and knowing it was her coming to say goodbye. It was strangely sad and comforting at the same time.

Then in August, I had another dream...this time it was both of my grandparents. My grandpa died ten years and one month before my grandma (February 1, 1998), and she was a wreck without him. But in this dream, I was back at their old house, and they came outside to greet me. I hugged my grandpa for the first time in ten years, and I told him, "Grandpa, I'm a college freshman!" He was so proud of me...he didn't say anything, but his smile was so huge...my mom was the first in her family to go to college, and he was so happy that I was following in her footsteps.

So that's how I know they're okay. I don't care what other people think. I don't care if dreams don't count as knowledge, or that it's just a trick of my mind. Don't bother telling me that. I have faith...and sometimes, those dreams are the only things that help me to keep that faith.




I miss my grandma so much...