I have my bad days, and I have my good days. Lately there have been more bad days than good ones. Today was a good one, all things considered.
Life is hard, you know?
I have things complicating my thoughts. I have to do my job, I have to find a new job, I have to find an apartment, I have certain people sitting in my mind and refusing to leave, I have diseases to manage, and I have school. Even if I didn't have the other things to do, I don't think I'd be able to completely tackle school.
And I am so unmotivated to do it...any of it. I want to leave. I want to get on a train and go where it takes me. I want to disappear for the weekend and see if anyone notices. I want to be good at something, the way some people are good at reading people or at creating poetry or at flirting. I am finding that I am mediocre at all these different things but not good at any of them in particular. I mean, I'm good at math and grammar but a) what are those going to do for me, and b) there are plenty of people who are so much better at them.
I've been stuck in a rut of complacency. I need to get out of here.
I've had "Me and Mia" by Ted Leo & the Pharmacists in my head all day, and that (^this post's title, up there^) is the line that's sticking out to me. That's how I usually pick my post titles, if you're new here.
**before we get started, I just wanted to complain about how much let you guys know that my face hurts really bad right now. I'm pretty positive that I have a sinus infection, which is just great considering how crappy I felt yesterday and the day before. Oh well, at least I'm already on an antibiotic. Back to the post now**
It's #wearTWLOHA day, so I want to reflect on that a little. I'm wearing mine (the turquoise shirt that Patrick got for me this summer while he was interning there!) because it reminds me that none of us is ever alone in our struggle to live. Maybe it's your own personal struggle. Maybe it's your friend's, your daughter's, your brother's. We all struggle with life sometimes - we'd be lying if we said we didn't.
For me, well...if you've looked at this blog ever, you know my story. I don't need to repeat it. I'm at a considerably better place in my life right now than I was 4 months ago, 2 years ago, or 7 years ago. I am happy to be alive. I am excited for the future. I can SEE my future (or at least parts of it), which is plenty more than I could say just a few months ago.
I can't say enough how my friends save my life. I'm reminded of that every day - Steph's eyes lighting up when she sees me, Pat listening to me cry and moan for hours, Scott giving me the most important advice I've ever received, Andrew's ability to understand everything about me, Shannon's way of feeling all these feelings I'm feeling, Claire letting me into her life right away, Katie crying with me, Rachel pointing out how happy I am when I talk about painting, Katherine's ability to cheer me up, Elane's drive to do good, and so many other people doing amazing things to keep me going. I hope you all know, even if I didn't mention you specifically, how important you and your friendship are to me. You are the ones I live for, and I do need you all so much.
But enough about me.
What's your story? Do you wear TWLOHA? Why? I want to know. It's the end of an important day for celebrating life, love, and support. You are not alone, even when you feel it the most - especially then. There will always be someone thinking of you, there will always be someone to answer the phone when you call, and there will always be love in your life. Don't forget it.
I think life lately has been telling me to watch this again. A friend showed it to me for the first time at least a year ago, but just in the last few weeks, it's been mentioned at least three times by different people. I took it as a sign that I've been needing to see it again.
How To Be Alone - Tanya Davis
If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.
We could start with the acceptable places: the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, were you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there, where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway, so it's safe there.
There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.
And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.
And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging out with your breath seeking peace and salvation.
Start simple. Things you may have previously based on your "avoid being alone" principles.
The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by chow-downers, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they - like you - will be alone. Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner - a restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert, cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.
Go to the movies, where it is dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community. And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor til the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because they're probably not. And if they are, assume it is with the best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.
Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city. Roam the streets - there are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself.
Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.
You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.
Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Because if you're happy in your head, then solitude is blessed and alone is okay.
It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique. No one has the same synapses, can't think like you - for this, be relieved. It keeps things interesting, life's magic things in reach.
And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that community's not present. Just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. Take silence and respect it. If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. If your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.
You could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it. If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it. There is heat in freezing. Be a testament.
There's been a lot happening in my brain lately. I didn't even realize it until today. I've been having anxiety attacks that cause me to get so overwhelmed with emotion that I just need to lay in bed and sleep for a couple hours. I haven't had an appetite, I've been angry and feeling the need to punch things, and I've been hypersensitive (yes, even for me).
But you know what? I'm not going to let it get worse. I'm done with this. I know how to combat it, so now I just need to actually take those steps - go for a run when I'm angry, eat healthy food on a normal schedule, think before I react.
I'm going to do it, but I'm going to need help from you, my friends.
"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough. I'm giving you all my love. I'm still looking up."
I've recently been realizing that I should wear skirts more often. I like them, they're cute, and they're a change from my typical jeans and v-neck daily uniform.
Well...now I'll be wearing the same dress for the next 7 days in a row.
Day 1 - purple tights, black flats, skinny black belt, purple earrings, and glasses
Now, why in the heck would I wear the same thing every day for a week?
I am participating in a program with a small group of ladies from my residence hall called “The Uniform Project.” We will all be wearing a black dress for 7 days in a row, changing up our accessories to have a different outfit with the same base each day. Our focus is on combining sustainability and fashion, with a little bit of body image thrown in as well. I personally will be focusing on body image in my first post.
Our inspiration for this program is the original Uniform Project, which you can read about here. We’ll be taking photos of our outfits each day, and all of us will be writing 3 blog posts each about our experiences with the project. If you’d like to follow along with our stories this week, you can find them here!
I’d love some feedback/ideas for new ways to accessorize. I have a few belts, a hat, a few pairs of tights, and a ton of different jewelry, but it would be great to get some fresh ideas.
(Please ignore the dumb ridiculous emotional stupid vague word vomit that is to follow.)
Okay, so why should fear keep me from doing anything that holds the opportunity to make me happier?
I could just pour my heart out here, right now. But that's a little (read: WAYYY) too public for me right now. All I'm going to say about it is that being afraid to do something because it hasn't worked out in the past in very different situations is ridiculous. I need to get over this mental block and just live my life, you know?
And then, if it doesn't work out the way I'm hoping it does, well...I'll be fine. I can still be satisfied with it. So what's stopping me?
