Don't forget me, I beg

Her eyes are so honest.

I may have teared up while watching this video. There's a reason this immediately became my favorite song from the album.

If love is a labor, I'll slave til the end.

I hate this.

I'm too needy. I try to stop, and I just can't. I can't stop expressing my feelings, and I don't understand how other people do it. I just don't get it. I feel too much.

edit: At least I painted a little tonight. I like how these two backgrounds turned out.

Six years has gone so fast

This is Brian. He died six years ago today.

Brian, Jane's boyfriend. Brian, who I'd eaten lunch with almost every day of freshman year of high school. Brian, who I pushed around stage on wheeled scaffolding during strike after the spring play the previous year. Brian, the star-to-be of Big River, the fall play that year. Brian, the guy who wore his plaid pajama pants almost every day, the one who had an easy laugh and kind eyes. Brian, my friend.

Your life is hard. I know, mine is too. Life is hard. But I can tell you, and I hope you believe me, that life is worth it, too. It can be terrifying to think about, but there is always help available. Open up to a friend, see a counselor. Suicide...suicide is never worth it. Suicide hurts the people around you so incredibly much, to the point where they're still asking why six years later.

I might not even know you (but chances are I probably do). Even if I don't, I know that you deserve to be alive. You are loved, and you are not alone. Especially when it feels like you're lonelier than you've ever been, you are never alone. You are a beautiful person.

I want to take everyone in the world who's ever felt worthless, hopeless, broken, or empty, and I want to hug them. I want to tell them that they mean something, that their life matters, that they're not alone...that they're loved.

Your more is less, babe

I can't deal with this right now. This whole feeling unworthy of being loved thing, it's not okay. I try so hard to be loved by people, and it hurts so much when I don't see an outcome. I feel like I give and give, I express my appreciation, I open up. I'm genuine. I love. I just wish that for once I wasn't just the friend.


So I guess I give up. Maybe I'll shut down a little, try not to need people so much. That's the way other people seem to do it.


I wish I could agree with John Mayer when he says, "I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give returned to me."

I can't make you love me if you don't

It's been an interesting few days. All in all, I think the rough patches in my week have turned out to be blessings. A recap:

• black-eyed susans and wild mustard
• sandhills and tree-filled bluffs
• one last sunburn of the summer
• people-loving dogs and cuddly cats
• the Milky Way
• vibrant sunsets
• late dinners
• food from the garden
• standing in a river and feeling whole for once
• being more content than ever
• still having to take life one day at a time
• late night Sonic runs
• pinkie promises through Skype
• tighter hugs than usual

Awake my soul

I was going to make a really great post tonight or sometime soon about how wonderful the earth can be, especially in places like Valentine, NE.

But then today happened and the internet came back to me and I'm just not in the mood to let you all into the magnificent spot that I found in my heart this weekend because I don't think you'd listen anyway.

You can sing me anything

I've been painting.

In front of me at the moment sit five vibrantly colored canvases. There are three small ones - teal, yellow, pink - with the symbols I try to live by each day: peace, love, equality. A larger one, a navy background with a peace sign of green, yellow, and light blue. Another large one, lilac with white brushstrokes on top, with "There is only one happiness in life...to love and be loved. - George Sand" written in black. And to my left are a few other canvases at which I can't help but gaze, painted by one of the best friends I have ever known.

It feels so good to create. My paintings are simple, yes. Quite incredibly simple, actually. But they are mine. I see them and think, "There's paint on those canvases. I put that paint there. That's pretty cool." And I just keep wanting to do it more and more. We put large pieces of white paper (thankfully we have plenty at our disposal because we're RAs) down on my floor for potential paint spillage, and I've been practicing on that since I don't have any more canvas as of yet. I have two more ideas, and all I want to do is make them.

One of my ideas is a Jackson Pollock-style deal, literally throwing paint at a canvas or smearing it around with my bare hands. I'm thinking I'll need to be angry to make that one. Not sure why, but it just feels right that it'll be more of an angry painting.

And then the other...well, that one's a surprise. I can see it pretty clearly in my imagination, and I practiced it today. Between classes, meeting with residents, and other things I had to do, I just sat in the middle of my little living room and painted. I was using the paper that we put down to protect my carpet, and I simply let myself go. I have no idea how much time I spent...looking back, it was probably about an hour or two total, but it felt like it could've been all day. I'm really pleased with how my practice run turned out, and so now I'm really excited to actually paint it on a canvas. But I am a little nervous that it won't turn out the same, mostly because I sketched it out first on the paper and then painted over that. Can I sketch on canvas? Eh, I don't know. I guess we'll see.

I mean, art is kind of about experimenting, isn't it? It might not be perfect, it might not be moving, but it means something to you. Otherwise you wouldn't have made it, right? Right. So I'll go with the flow on that one. It doesn't have to look exactly like what I'm picturing, because the person for whom I'm making it isn't going to know how it looks in my head. And as long as I'm satisfied with it, I'm pretty sure that person will appreciate it too.

Mreeeh. I just want to paint all the things! What sucks is knowing that I'm giving that painting to its receiver for Christmas (because that's the next appropriate time to give things, since that person's birthday doesn't come before then), so even if I painted it tomorrow, I'll have to hang onto it for months. Grrrr. Oh wells, at least I'll be able to make it. What's bothering me about it right now is that I want to make it so badly, but I don't have a canvas or even enough paint to do it. Also, I know what I'm making 4 other friends for Christmas, and I really need to get on that because otherwise I'm not going to save enough time to do it and so I have to go buy the things I need to make them and gahhh I've spent so much money in the last couple of weeks and gahhh.

And suddenly, this has become an incredibly long post with lots of words and no fun things at which to look. So here is a picture of my new paintings sitting on my ottoman because I can't hang them up on my walls yet because in order to do that, I need wire, and I have no wire. 

It's also not the best lighting, but that's because it's 2:15am and the only light I have on right now is the floor lamp that was behind me when I took that picture. And still, I'm not tired, and I still haven't done my homework for Wednesday, but the nice thing about not having class on Tuesday is that you can get things done during the day. I'll miss my free Tuesdays when those classes start next week...

Anyway, I was feeling kind of lonely tonight but now that I've been telling you all about my paintings, I don't feel it quite so much. So that's good. I hope that whatever is happening in your lives is wonderful. You most likely didn't take the time to read all this stream-of-consciousness rambling, but that's okay. Thanks for looking.