I just can't this right now.

I can't this.

I'm trying to escape in happy memories and Harry Potter books, in work and in thoughts of home on Wednesday. But I can't. I can't shut out the hateful words, I can't block them from my memory. I can't deal with name-calling and I can't deal with words being put in my mouth when I never said them (and never would).


I can't cry because I'm at the front desk, working with a girl I hardly know and there are priests and seminarians everywhere. I can't cry because you're not here and there are other people moving into your room, because you're in Florida and I'm so happy you're there and I hope you are too. So I can't need you here right now because that's not fair.


But damn it, I do.

6:59 AM - Shane Koyczan

I've been told
that people in the army
do more by 7:00 am
than I do
in an entire day

but if I wake
at 6:59 am
and turn to you
to trace the outline of your lips
with mine
I will have done enough
and killed no one
in the process.

Signed sincerely, me

Yep, I'm doing it. I'm writing a post about not writing.

It's been a long time since I've written something real...on here, at least. That crap poem where I couldn't put into  words how much I felt doesn't count - a) because I couldn't put into words how much I felt, and b) because I wrote it in a notebook first. Also, I wrote a letter the other night (that made me cry because I was so overwhelmed with everything I wanted to convey), and it will be on its way to the recipient very very soon (I promise). So I have done a little writing, yes, but not like this. This is stream of consciousness, flowing straight from my fingertips, less thought-out and deliberate writing.

Why, though?

I don't really know. Maybe I haven't had time to collect thoughts about any particular subject. Maybe I've just kind of been floating along the last few weeks and haven't actually felt passionate about any particular subject. Maybe it's that I don't want to share everything with...well, everybody.

Of the three options I've just allowed myself to consider, I think it would have to be the last one that is most likely to be the cause of this writer's block(?). It's quite possible that some of the subjects about which I've wanted to write are too much to share here. It's possible that they might be looking at this post right now.

#whoops

Also for that reason, I have not been sharing nearly as much personal information as I usually do...well, anywhere. Because I don't know who's seeing this or my Tumblr or anything else, I don't want to overstep boundaries that might exist or cause awkward situations that are only going to break my heart. I'm usually so willing to share everything with everyone, and now I'm wondering why. If I put everything out there, where's the mystery? It's the mystery that makes people crazy, makes them think and analyze and crave.

Sometimes I wish I could focus on certain people and see what they do. It would make things so much easier. But then I know that I wouldn't want to use that power, for fear of not seeing what I hoped.

So basically, I think about you a lot, and all I can do is hope that you do the same. Except about me. Because you shouldn't think about yourself as much as I think about you. That's just conceited, and you're not like that.

This rambling post brought to you by the 1:30 AM version of Ali G.

new pitcha :)

I felt pretty today. :)

In a romantic mood tonight

...but then again, when am I not?

• Pride and Prejudice playing on my tv
• champagne-colored nail polish
• TOTES wearing this for Lauren's wedding
• probs ending this calm evening with a little Pablo Neruda
• this movie has one of the best soundtracks I've heard
• especially "Dawn"

Also, I happen to be surrounded by young, single men. And they're all pre-priests. Greeeat.

Wait what?

Uhh...no comprendo.

I think I need a good things list right now

• Started out the day with some awesome people at the Omaha Heritage Festival...interesting to say the least.
• Got a little sun! :) Thank goodness for SPF 15 makeup, otherwise it'd be a lot worse.
• Saw Andrea for a little bit - I miss my Kiewit staff friends with a ridiculous amount of missingness, so it was really great getting to chat with her.
• Went through a tonnn of pictures to find the ones I needed to print. Such great memories.
• Baaaaaseballlllllll game - MVC champions! #rolljays
• Got the attention I needed - less than what I was really hoping for, but that's okay.
• Working on a care package for Patrick. :)
• Feelings validated by Tumblr - sometimes it's okay to be a stupid girl.
• My first experience with Red Mango! Yummmm
• The Prince and Me on TBS ♥
• HP and the Chamber of Secrets to finish the evening.