Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill

Have you ever wanted to know what it feels like? Depression, that is.

It feels like this.

It feels like that, and it feels like confusion, drifting, apathy, pretending, hiding, anger, irrational annoyance, and shame, because what do I have to be sad about? My life is not that bad. But then when I think about it I keep finding all these reasons why it sucks. And then I think about all the people and things that make me happy, and it doesn't suck quite so much.

So maybe I'm a depressed optimist? I don't know. (oh, I say I don't know a lot when I have my depressive episodes)


Anyway, I broke down in the endocrinologist's office the other day for the third appointment in a row. So for the first time, my doctor wants me to start up counseling to focus on diabetes, because that's such a huge factor in it. She said that maybe doing that will help to relieve some of my stress and anxiety about it, which will help improve my blood sugars. Plus it'll help me get back to at least a neutral state, so maybe then I can start taking a little more control of my life.

I made the appointment the next day. It's funny how just setting up the appointment makes you feel just a little better. Other things that also make it better: people who are naturally happy (rather than trying to make me happy, because that's trying to fix it and that's not what I need), people who understand, my service trip group (because in Alabama it was like my depression didn't really exist, so now I associate that whole experience with happiness).

Song of the week: