It's like you hit me with lightning

Last night, a resident said to me, "Ali, you look different today - like, beautiful."

Where did that come from? Yesterday was one of my lowest days of the year. I failed a test (legitimately failed it - we get our scores back immediately) in the morning and it just ruined my whole day. I don't know if I really want to be in pharmacy school anymore...or if I ever really did. I was on the verge of tears all day, so much that I had to let them go three times. I felt worthless all day.

I've actually been feeling kind of worthless for a while - at least a couple weeks. Sometimes I think about what I'd be doing if I weren't in pharmacy school, what my major would be, whether I'd be happier with school or not. The thing is...even if I went back to undergrad, I can't see myself doing well in anything. I don't feel like I'm good at anything anymore. I don't feel the passion for school-related things like I used to, and I don't know how to get that back.

So I try to be creative. I try to paint, I try to write. Actually, I don't even write creatively anymore. I realized how sucky I am at that, so I stopped. Now all I do is journal. Pointless. But those are the only things that make me feel better, other than being around friends for distraction.

So I don't know how she could possibly tell me I looked beautiful last night. That's ridiculous.

...but it still made me feel better for a few minutes.