Who am I?

This was already in my journal. I'm thinking it's appropriate for tonight.


I am a girl who loves most people more than they deserve. I am driven by feelings and sometimes that overwhelms me. I am scared of most forms of pain, so it takes a lot of encouragement to put myself out there. At the same time, I love attention, so every once in a while I'll belt out a song or turn heads on the dance floor. As soon as I'm criticized, I never want to do that activity again - at least not in front of the critic. I am trying to stop refusing compliments, but that takes a lot of work. I am lost sometimes. Okay, maybe a lot of the time. I don't know where exactly my life is headed. But I have plenty of friends who love me for all that I am and who are more than happy to help me find my way back to reality when I need it. I have friends who understand my emotions and know how it feels when they don't make sense. I have friends who don't ever want me to change the core of who I am, even when I'm unable to see it.


So I guess that's me in a nutshell, and I'm okay with it. Nearly every other person in my life is okay with it too - more than okay with it, really.

It's all about attitude right now

Really.

I normally hate it when people say "choose your attitude" or something like that, mostly because when I'm in a depressive state I can't do that. It's not that simple. But right now, I'm seeing a lot of negativity on all my social networks - whether it's from my classmates about the pharmacology test coming up in 9.5 hours, or from my friends in a meeting I had to miss in order to study (so maybe it's a good thing I missed it? I dunno), or from myself dealing with certain people. I see it, and it's oddly irritating to me right now.

I don't need to hate people. I don't want to hate people, especially when there's not a specific reason other than that they aren't doing what I want them to. So maybe instead of focusing energy in a spiteful and negative direction, I'm feeling the will to channel it into my studies and really do well on this test. (still gonna hold a grudge, though. just not as venomous)

Oddly enough, I'm feeling better about learning and memorizing all these cancer drugs than I've felt about any other drug class we've studied in pharmacology. I've got about 1 and 1/4 lectures left to listen to, and then a couple powerpoints to go through. I can do that by 3:30 (about 2 hours from now). Unpopular opinion, with my classmates at least: I think the anti-cancer drugs are pretty cool. Yeah, there's a lot of them that we have to memorize and they all do different things, but the names give me hints as to how they work. I wish all drugs were like that...but alas, they are not. Anyway, I feel like I could do well on this test.

So like Elane and I talked about this afternoon, all I have to do is say "I AM going to do well. I AM going to get a good grade on this test." Good advice from Elane's mama right there. I'm going to stop saying I might, or I could, or maybe. I'm taking out the wishy-washiness of those statements. Either I'm not going to do well, or I am going to do well. It's up to me.

I'm going to stay focused. I'm going to do well on this test.

Maybe it's my finals-focus-mode coming in to play early. Maybe it's that I started working in an actual pharmacy and am already getting more comfortable with drugs. I don't know, but I hope it sticks around. I'm done whining about things being too hard, at least for tonight. Life is really busy right now, but it's been really busy before and it's going to be really busy again. I'll get through it. People sometimes don't do what I want. I'll get over it.

Tomorrow (okay, well technically today, whatever) is going to include a well-above-passing grade on the pharmacology test, 2 hours of paying attention in therapeutics, and a run. I've got about 2 weeks' worth of unused exercise energy all stored up, and I need to start using it. Hopefully duty won't be too bad (4/20, ugh dumb), and I'm going to buy some scrubs this weekend for work. I'm working 12 hours next week since we don't have any tests, it's our last week of lab and case studies for the semester, and I'm going to finally have the chance to hang out with some people I've been missing. Life is alright.

Well then. This was a lot longer than I expected it to be. If I'm going to get this studying done in the next 2 hours, I should get to it! Much love, my friends.

I can do better

Y'all.

Don't underestimate my ability to hold a grudge.

I'm a mess of emotions, yes. This is a well-known fact. But I think it helps me in responding to people in the way that they need when they need it. So if something great happens in your life I'm going to be happy for you, and when something sucks in your life I'm going to empathize, even when I don't really want to. But I've got enough of the red-headed stubbornness and temper to be able to hold a grudge for a long time.

I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it's neither. It keeps me from interacting too much with people that make me miserable...but at the same time I feel bad about it because I am a people-pleaser. So I dunno.

Usually people are able to make things up to me with a little effort. But not always.

This has been a post.

I feel alive

I went to a concert tonight. The band?

Fun.

It was so great. And I know, I should listen to The Format because it was Nate's original band and everyone says they're better. But there's just something about Fun. that I...I don't know, something that I just love so much.

They must be relatively crazy themselves, because some of those songs just perfectly describe me at my craziest.

UGH I CAN'T EVEN. I can't even talk about it because I don't know what to say!

The Gambler WILL be played at my wedding. It will.

Please pardon my fangirling. I don't even care how annoying it is tonight, because I am on such an emotional high from that concert.

I drowned out all my sense

...That's what you get when you let your heart win.


The next month is going to be tough, let me tell you that.


I can do this.


I can do this.


I can do this.


Easter break was full of weird happenings and life alterations and craziness (see my last post). But now that all of that has happened and I've had a couple episodes of dead-to-the-world thinking, I'm feeling more able to put things into perspective. I reminded myself of some good advice that Shannon sent my way last summer, originally from an awesome blog called The Frenemy. I even typed it out onto a sticky note on my computer desktop so that I could see it every day...and maybe made it my cover photo on Facebook...and maybe even wrote it out and hung it above my desk.

Now is the time when I start pulling my life together. In the last couple months, I lost a lot of sense. It's time to toughen up and stop avoiding things (again). It's time to stay tough, stay confident. Because life is weird and difficult and confusing and frustrating at times - hell, most of the time. But life is also pretty awesome, and living is worth the work. So it's going to be a really trying month or so until finals are over, but you know what?


I can do this.


I can do anything, riiiiight?


Right.

Pride and Prejudice, internet creepers, and duty calls - oh my!

It's been an interesting Easter break so far...

• Might've found an apartment
• Got a job (yayyy!)
• Friends' relationship highs and lows
• Cried my eyes out a couple times for something not worth it
• Gained and lost an internet creeper in one day
• More calls on the duty phone in the last couple days than I've had all year
• I don't even know.

Uuugh.

Life is so weird sometimes.

And I don't even need your love

I have my bad days, and I have my good days. Lately there have been more bad days than good ones. Today was a good one, all things considered.

Life is hard, you know?

I have things complicating my thoughts. I have to do my job, I have to find a new job, I have to find an apartment, I have certain people sitting in my mind and refusing to leave, I have diseases to manage, and I have school. Even if I didn't have the other things to do, I don't think I'd be able to completely tackle school.

And I am so unmotivated to do it...any of it. I want to leave. I want to get on a train and go where it takes me. I want to disappear for the weekend and see if anyone notices. I want to be good at something, the way some people are good at reading people or at creating poetry or at flirting. I am finding that I am mediocre at all these different things but not good at any of them in particular. I mean, I'm good at math and grammar but a) what are those going to do for me, and b) there are plenty of people who are so much better at them.

I've been stuck in a rut of complacency. I need to get out of here.