Something new: "I Hate This"

I hate how everyone else was right.
I hate how I refused to listen to them.
I hate how I suddenly got wrapped up in you.
I hate how I can't get untangled.
I hate how what I loved wasn't really you.
I hate how you pretended so that I'd fall.
I hate how I fell so hard, and for you.
I hate how you don't care.
I hate how I cared so much, while you care so little.
I hate how I don't care anymore.
I hate how I'm not ready.
I hate how I realize I need to be.
I hate how I don't love you like I did, but I still do love you.
I hate how I want to go back instead of forward.
I hate how I can't do anything because I'm scared.
And I hate how you don't even know.
How I'm putting on a face, and not letting you see this.

Holy crap it's been two months

How is it that my "first relaxing summer in the history of the world" is SO BUSY??? How does that happen? The only time I'm ever on my computer is late at night, and by that point, I'm too tired to write an entry or read all the ones I follow! I'm so very sorry. I apologize to you guys too much, but that's because I leave you too much. Referring to earlier statement: so very very very very sorry.

I haven't even worked on the novel much. I have a couple times, but I'm just not inspired! There's just too much crap going through my head right now that I can't even think about it, which uber-depresses me. But I have started with writing songs...well, it could be rhyming poetry (whoa that's a change), but I have plans to teach myself a bit of piano and actually make them songs.

Okay, so brief rundown:
-worked at home for parents most of May and June (painting bathroom, doing laundry, mowing lawn, buying groceries, etc.)
-went to camp June 17-27 as counselor (diabetes camp...BIG middle school drama story to tell with that)
-started job shadowing in hospital retail pharmacy last week (I surprised myself by enjoying it!)
-between camp and job shadowing, was nearly broken up with because Ryan "needs his space, we don't match, he doesn't want to lose me, he loves me but (looooooong pause) he's not madly in love with me" -- rather depressed and crying lots this week...come sit in the bowl chair with me and hold me while I cry please? (you know who you are))
-back to being okay, but lots of emotion left our relationship...although I still love him since I loved him a hell of a lot...but now I realize things I didn't see before

So there. That's been my summer. And now this week I'm going back to work at dad's office for a bit, then Summer Preview (new student orientation at school)! I'm psyched for that. Oh and John C. Fremont Days this weekend!

Okay, I'm going to go put camp pics on Facebook now. Hugs!