Tall, Red, and Freckled

He sees hope in everyone

2012-02-09T16:00:00.000-06:00

I am tired.

I'm tired of trying to fit into the little box that society deems "normal" and I'm done with it. I'm not flexible, and I'm certainly not a contortionist and I'm not willing to try to squeeze into something that cannot possibly contain me. I'm done being limited by people's opinions of what I and others should be.

I've noticed that the people who have been in my life most consistently are those that don't expect or ask for anything but me.

Just a thought.

On the edge

2012-01-21T19:33:00.000-06:00

I don't know what to say.

I've been trying to think of a new post for so long, but there's just nothing I feel the need to say to everyone.

I'm fighting the edge of another depressive episode, starting with an appointment with my counselor Monday. I think I'll be fine. At least I'm being proactive about it this time?

I have a letter to write to someone. If I haven't said it here before, that's what I tend to do when I journal. I write letters to specific people - sometimes loving, sometimes angry, always honest. This one is thankful. And I should probably share it with the person to whom I'm writing when I finish it.

Anyway, I'm drowning in homework this semester, but I actually don't mind it all that much. Right now I just need to organize my life.

Happiness throws a shower of sparks

2012-01-11T21:47:00.002-06:00

(this is all of my typical advice thrown into one post. to everyone and no one in particular, including myself)

Stop it.

Stop thinking those thoughts that say you're worthless, ugly, terrible.

Stop being surprised when you're told that someone finds you attractive. Why shouldn't they? Look at all the things about you to attract them. There are a lot. Whether it's your laugh, smile, body, personality, whatever. It's damn attractive, and you should believe it.

Stop buying into the songs that tell you how to feel about yourself. You know, the ones that make you subconsciously start disliking parts of you so that you can be proven wrong by someone - "her laugh, she hates it but I think it's so sexy" and "you don't know you're beautiful, and that's what makes you beautiful." I don't want to swear on this blog, but really, F THAT S. Own your beauty. You're awesome. You're allowed to be aware of the fact that you're awesome. Now I'm not saying you have to shove your awesomeness down everyone's throats - they're aware of it too.

Stop with the idea that there's just one person out there for you. Anyone out there could be for you. If you keep thinking there only exists one solitary partner for your life, you're heading down a potentially lonely (and quite frankly boring) path.

Be with the people around you. Get to know them even deeper than you do. Be the one that someone comes to for ice cream to heal a broken heart (many of my friends know that's my solution - and make it good ice cream, like Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Buns or Coldstone's Birthday Cake Remix). Buy a drink for someone (if you're 21+, that is). Offer to drive. If you like something about a person, tell them. Allow someone to buy you a drink...or do what's even more difficult and accept a compliment from them without turning it down and refusing to accept it. Say thanks.

Do something you loooove. I'm not saying it has to be your career. I'm fully aware that I'm not going to be an actual artist someday, but I still let myself paint because I enjoy it. I allow myself to be satisfied with the results.

Let go of regret. As I said in my previous post, "regret is such a pointless emotion, don't you think?" If you're upset about the outcome of something, don't bother wishing you could alter it. Regretting it isn't going to change the outcome. Consider it, learn from it, move on.

These are my current thoughts, my ways that I'm trying to create a happier life for myself. What are yours?

2012-01-02T23:14:00.002-06:00

WHOA GUYS WHOA

5000 total pageviews? Daaang. One week from today will be this blog's 3rd birthday, and I'd just like to thank you all for sticking with me. It's a small blog with not much purpose, but you've seen me through ups and downs, goods and bads (and uglies). I like you all. :)

I am done with my graceless heart

2012-01-02T00:39:00.001-06:00

Since it's the first day of 2012 (at least as I'm starting this post it is), so I figured I should make my list of resolutions.

1. Be happier.
2. Work out at least 3 times a week.
3. Eat 2 fruits and 2 vegetables a day.
4. Call mom once a week.
5. Enjoy my friends' last semester at Creighton with them.
6. Stop taking things for granted.
7. Let go of regrets; accept things for what they are.

A couple things have stuck with me lately -

I was listening to Shake It Out on our drive home from Kansas City today, and something hit me. I knew I had to listen to it when we left the restaurant after eating lunch. I don't know what it was; I was listening to it and it was just so moving. I even had to let a few tears go, looking out the window to hide them from my parents. Of course I've heard the song before, but it really meant something this time. It was like I knew that today marked a new start, and the lyrics were written to prove it to me:

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

The other thing that struck me was a line from a book I read recently: "Regret is such a pointless emotion, don't you think?" I don't know why, but it just kind of got stuck in my head. I've been thinking about it for the past few days since I finished the book, and how I might sometimes say that I don't have any regrets because I've learned from my mistakes, and how that's not really true. I've been weighed down by regrets in my life - who I loved, how I loved them, things I've done, and things I've allowed to happen. So that's why #7 up there exists. I've decided to start letting things go, or at least trying to do that.

And #1, well...that's most important on that list.

I'll be waiting

2011-12-28T02:35:00.001-06:00

Well, I'm off to Kansas City for New Years! Actually, we're leaving in about ten hours, but in all actuality we'll be on our way by the time any of you read this. We're spending a few days with my mom's side of the family, and I'm super excited. I get to see Meghan and Caitlin, my 14-year-old cousins from Baltimore, and Bubba (also known as Cale) and Coralee, my cousin Ann's babies. It'll be my first time meeting Cora, and I can't wait! Ahhh so excited. Baby!

In case you were wondering, I had a very nice Christmas. We had Christmas Eve with my dad's family like always, this time in Blair at the Cargill headquarters (where my uncle Tom works). It was a really great space, the perfect size for us. And even though not everyone could come, there was enough room for everyone in our family - all 44 of the G family members! Good God, there are tons of us. We're taking over!

My cousin Rachel had her second baby boy just before Christmas, and my cousin Kristen is due at the beginning of January with a boy as well - carrying on the G family tradition! In case you didn't know, my dad's the oldest of 8, all boys. And then my generation is mostly boys as well, and now of course the first 3 great-grandkids are boys. Crazy crazy. But anyway, please keep my new baby cousins and their moms in your prayers! As far as I know, everyone's healthy right now, so that's awesome.

So like I said, I'll be gone for the next few days. I hope that each one of you have had a wonderful holiday (whatever it is that you celebrate) full of love and laughter, and I also hope that your new year is full of the same! Please stay safe, be smart, and have fun on New Years Eve. You're all in my thoughts!

I'll be home for Christmas

2011-12-19T01:45:00.000-06:00

Home once again.

For once, I'm actually glad to be here. I know, odd coming from me, right? But it's not like the last few times I've come home. I'm excited to be on winter break, lying in my old bed that's going to make my back ache in the morning. I can't wait for Christmas with family, and I can't help but smile and sing along to the radio. I haven't felt excitement (or hope, for that matter) in a while, but I do now. I guess what's changed this time is me - I feel more like myself than I have in a long time, maybe the whole semester.

I don't know how to explain it, really. The whole semester went so quickly; the beginning flew by and I never was able to catch up, and suddenly it was finals week. Maybe it had to do with the depression I've been in all semester. Actually, that was probably it. For so long I just didn't care about things and didn't want to be around people, and it felt so strange and so horrendous and so fascinating all at the same time. I've never had a depressive episode last so long and be so steady before.

Last weekend, though, right before finals...I've been describing it as "waking up." Suddenly I was more aware of the people around me - I was realizing that I'm not the only person in the world who needs attention, I'm not the only person with problems, I'm not the only one who has things to figure out. I have friends, wonderful friends who deserve my attention and love, and I haven't been treating them like that.

(this is going to get a little heavy, just so you know)

So this is to apologize. Chances are that if you're reading this, you're a friend of mine. So to my dear friends, you are the best. I would go crazy without you, and I've told you before that you keep me alive every day. I need you to tell me to keep fighting, because otherwise I'd forget that a fight's even happening. (I keep picturing it like a war scene from a movie, like LOTR or something equally as awesome. Is that weird? Hmm don't care.) I am battling depression, and when I forget it, that's when I start losing. I am fighting to live, fighting the thoughts that say I'm not worth it, fighting the ideas that death would be so much easier, fighting the urge to just give up. I am fighting this, and the thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that you're at my sides fighting just as hard as I am, if not harder. You're the ones who keep me protected from the monsters trying to tear me down. You're what comes to mind when I think about the worst things, and I realize that I could never hurt you like that. I've known that hurt, and I can't let you feel that way. So I keep fighting. I keep fighting for you, and then I start fighting for me too. I will overpower this. It will be better someday. Hell, it's already thousands of times better, and it'll keep getting better. I'll have setbacks, I know. But somehow, I'll get through them with you there to hold me up. You are the most wonderful people, and I am so lucky to have you in my life. Thank you, and I'm sorry for not fully being me this semester. You deserve the best, and that's what I'll be giving you from now on.

You know, when people asked what changed in the last week, I kept saying that I didn't know. But Rachel helped me to realize it. It was all of you. It was you fighting for me, praying for me, supporting me. It wasn't that you just started, but that I finally figured it out. I can finally see it.

I love you all so very much. Thank you for being so spectacular. I hope you're enjoying your break so far, and I can't wait to hear from you.

No one will ever save you if no one can ever find you

2011-12-06T01:43:00.001-06:00

So I've managed to make my life a total mess in the last few weeks.

I started thinking I could do something when all along I probably knew it was too late, and then I was crushed when I was told that it was, indeed, too late. I put myself through a week of unnecessary conversations and unnecessary tears and unnecessary worries. And I don't care what anyone says - I didn't get anything real out of it. If you'd like to provide me with an example of something I did get out of it, I welcome that. But I don't want to hear "I know you got something out of it. You might not see it yet, but you did." If you can see that so clearly, I'm going to need you to tell me what it was. Because I'm still not seeing it.

Anyway...

Then I decided to try to hide things from some of my friends, and...well...I mean, we all know I can't hide anything when it comes to my emotions, especially with the specific people involved. So I ended up hurting them and pushing them away even though that was the very last thing I wanted. I haven't heard from one particular person in a week and a half, and it's absolutely killing me. It's agonizing.

My stomach twists and my heart's in my throat every time I see I have a new email. I'm afraid that I was too late again, because I was ashamed and didn't know what to say. It was as simple as an apology, but I just couldn't figure out how to say it. And now that's all I can think about. I've spent a lot of time either in bed or on the couch, a lot of time crying, and a lot of time alone.

In the meantime, I've been trying to improve my outlook on things. I'm getting back to being on my way to feeling okay with myself. I'm forcing myself to listen to the wonderfully supportive people around me. I'm going to start trying to discern what parts of me are really me, and not just a combination of my parents. My mom always tells me "Ugh, you're so much like your dad" when I do something that irritates her, and my dad's response to when my mom and I fought was always "You're so similar that you just know how to push each other's buttons." I realized in my counseling appointment the other day that I've never really thought about identifying myself outside of that - I have my dad's eyes, my mom's complexion, my dad's short upper lip, my mom's voice, and a combination of their hair with my mom's color and my dad's texture.

But more than that, I identified myself with their personality traits too. My dad's passion, my mom's school smarts. My dad's interest in the humanities, my mom's interest in math. My dad's ability to dream, my mom's stubbornness. My dad's will to do everything possible, my mom's responsibility to the people around her.

Then if all that's from them...who am I?

So far, I think I'm one of Tilly's "Lost Girls" (see title, search song, listen).

I'm working on that.

Tell me I'm a wreck

2011-11-23T16:34:00.001-06:00

Life's been messy lately...but it'll all work out eventually. Don't worry, I'm fine. I'll be fine.

I got a haircut today (thank goodness, because it was starting to get all shaggy and bleh). I love going there to chat with Julie. It's like a salon in a movie or television show; I can tell her all about my life and she loves to listen and offer advice. Haha, she's great. She's always on my side, no matter what the issue is - although usually it's about guys. If I mention someone, she's convinced he's in love with me. If it turns out I'm just friends with him (which is always the case, you know), she tells me he wasn't good enough for me. Gotta love her. :)

Haircut!

While we were chatting today, Julie told me that I need to "let my inner jerk out." She said I'm too sweet and care too much about making other people happy, and I need to put myself first sometimes.

I don't know how I feel about that. I would rather have everyone around me be happy with their lives, so if I can do something for them, I'm going to do it. I don't want to take away from the people around me just to make myself happier.

What do I need? I need the people around me to be happy. And occasionally let me know that they like me. Thankfully I have some really wonderful friends. I've been thinking too much lately, especially about things I don't want to think about, and I just need to remind myself to think of those people instead.

I love you all a lot. A lot a lot. In fact, I can't not love you. Speaking of that, here's the song I've been playing nonstop for the past few days that, interestingly enough, is called that:

I hope you all enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday. Much love from Fremont.

I am here with you

2011-11-17T11:24:00.001-06:00

Nothing really important to say right now...at least not to say here. I just want to show off the beginnings of two new paintings. :)

There's nothing that can accurately describe the internal joy that painting gives me. Even when they don't turn out exactly how I wanted (like the silver on top of the pink in the bottom picture), and especially when they turn out better than I expected (like the top picture!)...it makes me so happy. I don't know what it is...it's just fulfilling, I guess. The creativity, the knowledge that I'm making something for my friends, the simple beauty of having paint-covered hands - it's so wonderful. I love finding inspiration and making the idea my own, I love seeing it in my mind and later seeing it on the canvas, I love the escape of an afternoon of painting.

That top picture could end up being my favorite one yet. Good thing, because I'm making it for a very special purpose.

Sometimes silence is nice

2011-11-14T20:35:00.001-06:00

Because sometimes your life is so full of noise and confusion, silence is nice.
Because people are constantly telling you which way to go, silence is nice.
Because you need to figure out the small victories of your day.
Because you're feeling enough on your own, and you don't need a movie or a song to make you do it.
Because you're allowing others to determine your life and to tell you what you want.
Because as hard as it might be, you're doing just fine on your own.
Because occasionally, you just need to focus on these emotions and these thoughts.
Because every once in a while, you need to focus on you.
Sometimes silence is nice.

Maybe someday we'll figure all this out

2011-11-08T18:17:00.001-06:00

...sorry for the lack of communication recently, friends. I've had a rough week and a half or so.

I really don't have much to report, at least not on here. But you should know that big changes may be coming...maybe. Nothing's set in stone or anything, but I've decided to take charge of my own life instead of letting other people decide for me. I'm going to do things that will make me happier, and I'm going to push myself to do something I normally wouldn't think to do.

I need to do it, because I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to do what I love, and I deserve a life that I enjoy. I don't want to waste my time.

So I'm becoming even more myself, I guess. Like I said, I'm taking charge.

By the way, I'm going to be a coordinator for next year's fall break service trips. Thought you all might like to know that.

Oh hey, also. I'm planning on doing some creating over winter break, since I hopefully will have a little free time at home. If you want anything (like a painting or something) let me know.

Also, I'm totally making these someday. Eventually. When I have my own kitchen.

If you could do anything...

2011-10-31T15:56:00.002-05:00

...what would you do?

When you hear that question, what's the first thing that pops into your head? Anything in the world, no physical/mental boundaries. What's the first thing you'd want to do?

We're asking this question of various people here at Creighton for my building's spirit week. Our inspiration came from The Anything Project, created by the University of Victoria (in Canada). I won't lie to you - I wasn't impressed with the project at first. Sure, it provided some food for thought. But what was the point? What could just asking the question do to change anything?

As we're filming people answering it for our own video, though, I'm noticing something. Freshmen through seniors are going to be in it, and a lot of them are really surprising me. So many of their first thoughts are of what they could do for others, rather than what they'd want to do for themselves.

So maybe this project isn't pointless. Maybe it inspires consideration of the world and how to improve it. Maybe it gets people thinking about all the things they have the potential to do...because really, we have the ability to do anything in today's world. Who knows what technological advances we could see in our lifetimes? Literally anything could be possible.

So think about it. If you could do anything, what would you do?

Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill

2011-10-30T11:43:00.001-05:00

Have you ever wanted to know what it feels like? Depression, that is.

It feels like this.

It feels like that, and it feels like confusion, drifting, apathy, pretending, hiding, anger, irrational annoyance, and shame, because what do I have to be sad about? My life is not that bad. But then when I think about it I keep finding all these reasons why it sucks. And then I think about all the people and things that make me happy, and it doesn't suck quite so much.

So maybe I'm a depressed optimist? I don't know. (oh, I say I don't know a lot when I have my depressive episodes)

Anyway, I broke down in the endocrinologist's office the other day for the third appointment in a row. So for the first time, my doctor wants me to start up counseling to focus on diabetes, because that's such a huge factor in it. She said that maybe doing that will help to relieve some of my stress and anxiety about it, which will help improve my blood sugars. Plus it'll help me get back to at least a neutral state, so maybe then I can start taking a little more control of my life.

I made the appointment the next day. It's funny how just setting up the appointment makes you feel just a little better. Other things that also make it better: people who are naturally happy (rather than trying to make me happy, because that's trying to fix it and that's not what I need), people who understand, my service trip group (because in Alabama it was like my depression didn't really exist, so now I associate that whole experience with happiness).

Song of the week:

A new fantastic point of view

2011-10-25T18:36:00.000-05:00

There do not exist in this world many things better than the look of pure joy on your friends' faces when they're happy to see you.

Whether it's after not seeing them for a week (or a month), returning to them when you thought you'd left for the last time, seeing them after only being away from them a few hours, or passing by them on your way to or from class...there's simply nothing like it. Okay, so this is getting awfully far away from reality for the rest of you, so I'm just going to explain what I'm talking about.

Before we begin, I want to let you know I'm going to get a little faithy here. If you don't want to read about it, I understand and won't be offended. I know I have a lot of friends who are atheists/agnostics/struggling with their personal faith, so I hope you all don't see this as me preaching to you. I'm just going to write about what I felt.

Also, how are Disney songs so fitting? (see this post's title, and keep reading)

Obviously, if you read my last post, you know that I went to Montgomery, AL, on a service trip last week over my fall break. At the time I wrote that one, I was unsure of how to feel about it. I started finally getting excited during lunch the day we were leaving, when I knew it would be a week before I saw the people with whom I was eating. As our departure time approached, that feeling kept building until I was nearly exploding with excitement an hour before we were supposed to leave. I was practically skipping to my room after class got out, and I finished packing and called my mom and was ready to leave half an hour later.

I was the first one from our group to arrive at the vans, which actually was probably for the best. It gave me some time to get all my energy out and settle down before I drove everyone insane. By the time we actually pulled out of the parking lot (on time, believe it or not!), I had returned to my original state - not necessarily excited or nervous, but ready to go.

We stayed in Columbia, MO, that night - a little less than 1/3 of the way to Montgomery - because Eric's parents were so incredibly kind and let us spend the night at their house (Eric, tell your parents thanks again!). On the way there, I had one of the potentially most important conversations I've had in a very long time. I've never spoken so openly about my depression with someone I barely knew...I've never spoken about my depression with someone I barely knew. I for once wasn't overcome with emotion while talking about it, and I was able to see things a little differently because of the questions I was asked. For once, I didn't feel like I was just talking at someone. My listener was interested and curious, and I'm assuming (correct me if I'm wrong) had never really experienced something like that before, so maybe they learned from it too. I hope so.

We went to the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis that Saturday. It's inside the hotel where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was shot, and the entire experience was so surreal. I stood just a few feet from that spot. I looked into the room where he stayed. What?

The National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis, TN
The wreath marks the balcony where Dr. King was standing when he was shot.

Saturday night, we arrived at Resurrection hungry, tired, and worn out from driving 12 hours that day. Somehow we all summoned up the energy to hang out for a little while, but I had to go to bed after a little while. We went to Mass on Sunday and heard from Fr. Manuel one of the most moving homilies I've heard in a long time. I've heard the reading ("Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and give to God what is God's") a countless number of times, but it never really meant much to me. To be honest, I'd associated the entire thing with money. Fr. Manuel spoke about giving ourselves to God, though - He made us, and we are His. (See, I told you it was going to get faithy) So it provided some food for thought, most definitely.

The second thing that struck me about Mass that day was the music. Previously, I'd always thought, "Why is Gospel music such a big thing? Do people really need to be entertained while they're at church? That's not what church is about." Uhh, hello Ali. You were wrong. Experiencing it firsthand made all the difference. I realized partway through Mass how full my heart felt...and if you've been following along, you're probably aware of the fact that I've been struggling with that for a while - struggling with actually feeling something in my chest instead of the pulling weight that's been there for a few weeks. I was happy to be there, happy to be singing along even when I didn't know the words, happy to be seeing all these other happy people. So something occurred to me during the Mass...maybe the South has been doing it right, using music to express their joy and praise for God. I mean, music is where I usually find my peace. So maybe it's not about being entertained during church - maybe it's about being fully present.

The whole group at the Resurrection church picnic:
Mary Clare, Chelsea E., me, Eric, Nolan, Amy
Andi, Chelsea L., Katie, Sarah, Anne, Garret, Anthony
Teresa, Jessica, Kathryn

After Mass, we set up for the church picnic at a reception hall a few minutes away, and then we served and ate some really delicious food. By the end of it, the ladies at my table were force-feeding me the most delicious bundt cake I've ever eaten and pudding and other desserts. I think I gained ten pounds at that picnic alone.

Later in the week, we also got to see the National Civil Rights Center in downtown Montgomery (not to be confused with the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis). Its focus was on some of the people who were brutally killed during the Movement and whose deaths were important but maybe not well-known. It was very small and didn't take long to walk through and read everything, but I got more out of it than the museum in Memphis. At the end, it showed that civil rights has to do with more than just the Movement of the 1960s, that it's something the world is still struggling with tremendously. The very last part of the center was a dark room with a huge screen on one wall with countless names floating down to the floor. It was the Wall of Tolerance, the name of which I didn't really like (I prefer "acceptance" to "tolerance"), but I found it very moving to be inside that room. I wrote a lot in my journal that day, more than doubling the number of pages I'd used for my previous entries. It was definitely a powerful day.

A couple things I wanted to remember from the National Civil Rights Center

Oh man. This post is starting to get way too long. Umm...summary of other things:

I got to hang out with a bunch of 7th graders at Resurrection School, and by the end of the week they actually thought I was cool - possibly because I broke out the Dougie in Sr. Gilda's classroom. They were pretty awesome kids, not gonna lie.

My 7th graders!

I drove around the city with a few others delivering food boxes to some elderly people, which was quite the experience - Ms. Viola was wonderful, telling us to stay in school and making it obvious that she was proud of us for going to college, even though we had just met her.

We had dinner with Ms. Taylor (from the Equal Justice Initiative), Rev. Graetz (the first white preacher to publicly support the Civil Rights Movement), Dr. Hardy (who had been heavily involved with the Movement starting in his teenage years), and Mr. Malden (Nelson Malden, NOT Mandela, who was Dr. King's barber when he lived in Montgomery).

With our special dinner guests

We visited Mr. Malden's barbershop, where the guys trimmed the hairs on their heads. Anthony, Andi, and Garret got haircuts, and Eric got a straight shave.

The guys with Mr. Malden at the barbershop - don't they look great?

We visited the home for disabled adults that's located just behind the church, where I met Bobby, who reminded me a lot of one of my cousins and was really cool.

We had dinner again with Mr. Malden, and also Fr. Manuel, Fr. Fred, Michelle (who was in charge of us for the week), and a few other guests.

We helped to organize and put on Resurrection's annual gala fundraiser event where we met Ms. Bonnie and Ms. Charlotte, and I have never felt so important to two women who I'd just met ever before. I got my Southern accent back for a little bit, and now it's a lot easier for me to slip right back into it (Ms. Bonnie sounds just like my Aunt Judy, who lives in the southern part of Texas). We may have gotten food poisoning from that benefit, but who knows?

My darling Ms. Bonnie!

A lot of us were sick on the way back this past Friday. Mine hit later than everyone else's - they were all sick in the morning, but I didn't get it until we stopped for fried chicken in Memphis that afternoon. It was (of course) worst while I was driving, but I had some Gatorade and water and slept when Katie took over driving for me, and I felt a lot better that night. We stayed at Eric's house again (seriously, Eric, you can't thank your family enough for all they did for us!) and got some really great bonding time in.

If you ever go to Memphis and want some really good fried chicken, go to Uncle Lou's. Seriously, the Sweet Spicy Love sauce was amazing, and the place has been on the Food Network twice!

I had a couple more conversations that were really critical. I found a kindred spirit whose new friendship I treasure very much, the final drive back into Omaha was again filled with a conversation that was very important, and in the affirmations I received at the very end of the trip, I found something in myself. All these things, all these conversations...they helped me to uncover something. I don't know if I can define it accurately for you, but it's like the words people said to me that day helped me to find a beauty inside myself. It's still faint, but at least I can see it now. It's a new fantastic point of view, if you will. (eh, you see what I did there?)

"We left as strangers, but we became a family." (credit to Nolan for that one)

So did I come back changed? Maybe a little. But more than that, I came back rejuvenated, with a strengthened voice and a strengthened will to continue to be an advocate for those who are silenced.

This was by no means every detail of the trip - there are so many things I couldn't fit in here, things I'm keeping in my journal and my heart. I'd love to talk with any of you reading this about those things, but for now I'm going to have to be done.

With love, Ali G.

I feel your heartbeat

2011-10-13T22:52:00.000-05:00

I'm a little obsessed with The Fray's new single (and The Fray in general, but we all knew that, didn't we?).

Anyway.

I'll be leaving Nebraska at 4:00 Friday afternoon with 15 people I don't really know to go to a place I've never been before (which just so happens to be approximately 17 hours away). That's right, I'm going on my first-ever service trip, and we're headed to Montgomery, Alabama, for a week over fall break. We still don't know exactly what we'll be doing when we get there, but our site has a few different areas where they may need us - an elementary school, a program for elderly adults, and other things. So I guess we'll see! We'll also be helping serve at a Mardi Gras-themed event for our site (Resurrection Catholic Missions). On our way to Montgomery, we'll be going through Memphis and stopping at the National Civil Rights Museum. I really can't wait for that part.

The memorial located where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was shot.

I'm nervous. I'm nervous, and I'm excited, and I'm a little scared. I don't know what I'm going to take away from this - I don't really know what I'm supposed to take away from this. I've always wanted to go on a service trip, but I've never had the motivation to do it like I do this year. A lot of my best friends have at least gone on service trips before, and quite a few are leading some this year. I'm glad I'm doing it, and I'm looking forward to it (although I'm going to be missing out on a lot of study time that I could probably use). I'm taking my unused "pretty" journal - too pretty to ruin by writing in it, at least until now - to keep track of my thoughts and my personal reflections on the trip. Hopefully I'll get a decent amount of time to do that. I'm thinking with at least 34 hours in a van there and back I should be good, haha. But I think I"m going to need it, just to process while I'm there. Heck, if I could take my paints, I probably would...but then I wouldn't get anything done, because I'd be lost in paint all day. By the way, I've been painting again, just a little. I haven't had much time to paint in the last few weeks, but it's okay. I have one that's almost done - a little yellow songbird on a mottled green background - but it doesn't have to be done until December. I'll have plenty of time to finish it!

Back to service trips. It's going to be a different experience (which is obviously the point). Our trip is supposed to have some extra focus on civil rights and the problem our country still has with racism. That's something I'm not really too familiar with, other than coming from a town that is now nationally known as racist. I tended to stay away from the issue while I lived in Fremont. Racism is something I don't really understand. The color of our skin, the shape of our eyes, the fullness of our lips, the texture of our hair...why does that make a difference in how we're treated or how we treat other people? Genetic traits like that do not determine our thoughts, beliefs, or actions, and it astounds me that this is still an issue in our society. I'm sure this will be a big learning experience for me.

A mural I used to drive by every day and admire. Looking at it now I see a wall that doesn't celebrate our full community - only one race.

What stories will I have to tell? With what sort of experiences will I return? I have no idea. One thing we discussed in our preparatory meetings was having empty hearts - not empty in the sense that we don't care about anything, but empty of our inhibitions and our prejudices, in order to leave room in our hearts to be filled by the people we meet, the things we see, and the experiences we have. So what will be filling my heart when I return to Nebraska? I can't wait to see.

So this will be my last post until after I return from fall break. I'll have to make sure to write a post relatively soon after I return, because although I don't have any tests the first week back, I have three the next week. I'm sure I won't be able to convey everything in one simple post, but I'd love to chat with you all about it.

Look at (most of) my wonderful group!

Until then, so long! Wish me luck? Is that appropriate? Sure it is.

PS - I'm feeling better than I was in my last post...my last few posts, actually. School is hard, and it's been getting me down a lot lately. God, it's so difficult. But I'll survive. Just so you know. Love you all.

It's like you hit me with lightning

2011-10-06T14:46:00.000-05:00

Last night, a resident said to me, "Ali, you look different today - like, beautiful."

Where did that come from? Yesterday was one of my lowest days of the year. I failed a test (legitimately failed it - we get our scores back immediately) in the morning and it just ruined my whole day. I don't know if I really want to be in pharmacy school anymore...or if I ever really did. I was on the verge of tears all day, so much that I had to let them go three times. I felt worthless all day.

I've actually been feeling kind of worthless for a while - at least a couple weeks. Sometimes I think about what I'd be doing if I weren't in pharmacy school, what my major would be, whether I'd be happier with school or not. The thing is...even if I went back to undergrad, I can't see myself doing well in anything. I don't feel like I'm good at anything anymore. I don't feel the passion for school-related things like I used to, and I don't know how to get that back.

So I try to be creative. I try to paint, I try to write. Actually, I don't even write creatively anymore. I realized how sucky I am at that, so I stopped. Now all I do is journal. Pointless. But those are the only things that make me feel better, other than being around friends for distraction.

So I don't know how she could possibly tell me I looked beautiful last night. That's ridiculous.

...but it still made me feel better for a few minutes.

Don't forget me, I beg

2011-09-30T13:19:00.001-05:00

Her eyes are so honest.

I may have teared up while watching this video. There's a reason this immediately became my favorite song from the album.

If love is a labor, I'll slave til the end.

2011-09-25T01:48:00.001-05:00

I hate this.

I'm too needy. I try to stop, and I just can't. I can't stop expressing my feelings, and I don't understand how other people do it. I just don't get it. I feel too much.

edit: At least I painted a little tonight. I like how these two backgrounds turned out.

Six years has gone so fast

2011-09-18T19:33:00.000-05:00

This is Brian. He died six years ago today.

Brian, Jane's boyfriend. Brian, who I'd eaten lunch with almost every day of freshman year of high school. Brian, who I pushed around stage on wheeled scaffolding during strike after the spring play the previous year. Brian, the star-to-be of Big River, the fall play that year. Brian, the guy who wore his plaid pajama pants almost every day, the one who had an easy laugh and kind eyes. Brian, my friend.

Your life is hard. I know, mine is too. Life is hard. But I can tell you, and I hope you believe me, that life is worth it, too. It can be terrifying to think about, but there is always help available. Open up to a friend, see a counselor. Suicide...suicide is never worth it. Suicide hurts the people around you so incredibly much, to the point where they're still asking why six years later.

I might not even know you (but chances are I probably do). Even if I don't, I know that you deserve to be alive. You are loved, and you are not alone. Especially when it feels like you're lonelier than you've ever been, you are never alone. You are a beautiful person.

I want to take everyone in the world who's ever felt worthless, hopeless, broken, or empty, and I want to hug them. I want to tell them that they mean something, that their life matters, that they're not alone...that they're loved.

Your more is less, babe

2011-09-10T02:25:00.002-05:00

I can't deal with this right now. This whole feeling unworthy of being loved thing, it's not okay. I try so hard to be loved by people, and it hurts so much when I don't see an outcome. I feel like I give and give, I express my appreciation, I open up. I'm genuine. I love. I just wish that for once I wasn't just the friend.

So I guess I give up. Maybe I'll shut down a little, try not to need people so much. That's the way other people seem to do it.

I wish I could agree with John Mayer when he says, "I believe that my life's gonna see the love I give returned to me."

I can't make you love me if you don't

2011-09-08T14:19:00.000-05:00

It's been an interesting few days. All in all, I think the rough patches in my week have turned out to be blessings. A recap:

black-eyed susans and wild mustard
sandhills and tree-filled bluffs
one last sunburn of the summer
people-loving dogs and cuddly cats
the Milky Way
vibrant sunsets
late dinners
food from the garden
standing in a river and feeling whole for once
being more content than ever

still having to take life one day at a time

late night Sonic runs
pinkie promises through Skype
tighter hugs than usual

Awake my soul

2011-09-06T01:19:00.003-05:00

I was going to make a really great post tonight or sometime soon about how wonderful the earth can be, especially in places like Valentine, NE.

But then today happened and the internet came back to me and I'm just not in the mood to let you all into the magnificent spot that I found in my heart this weekend because I don't think you'd listen anyway.

You can sing me anything

2011-08-30T02:21:00.002-05:00

I've been painting.

In front of me at the moment sit five vibrantly colored canvases. There are three small ones - teal, yellow, pink - with the symbols I try to live by each day: peace, love, equality. A larger one, a navy background with a peace sign of green, yellow, and light blue. Another large one, lilac with white brushstrokes on top, with "There is only one happiness in life...to love and be loved. - George Sand" written in black. And to my left are a few other canvases at which I can't help but gaze, painted by one of the best friends I have ever known.

It feels so good to create. My paintings are simple, yes. Quite incredibly simple, actually. But they are mine. I see them and think, "There's paint on those canvases. I put that paint there. That's pretty cool." And I just keep wanting to do it more and more. We put large pieces of white paper (thankfully we have plenty at our disposal because we're RAs) down on my floor for potential paint spillage, and I've been practicing on that since I don't have any more canvas as of yet. I have two more ideas, and all I want to do is make them.

One of my ideas is a Jackson Pollock-style deal, literally throwing paint at a canvas or smearing it around with my bare hands. I'm thinking I'll need to be angry to make that one. Not sure why, but it just feels right that it'll be more of an angry painting.

And then the other...well, that one's a surprise. I can see it pretty clearly in my imagination, and I practiced it today. Between classes, meeting with residents, and other things I had to do, I just sat in the middle of my little living room and painted. I was using the paper that we put down to protect my carpet, and I simply let myself go. I have no idea how much time I spent...looking back, it was probably about an hour or two total, but it felt like it could've been all day. I'm really pleased with how my practice run turned out, and so now I'm really excited to actually paint it on a canvas. But I am a little nervous that it won't turn out the same, mostly because I sketched it out first on the paper and then painted over that. Can I sketch on canvas? Eh, I don't know. I guess we'll see.

I mean, art is kind of about experimenting, isn't it? It might not be perfect, it might not be moving, but it means something to you. Otherwise you wouldn't have made it, right? Right. So I'll go with the flow on that one. It doesn't have to look exactly like what I'm picturing, because the person for whom I'm making it isn't going to know how it looks in my head. And as long as I'm satisfied with it, I'm pretty sure that person will appreciate it too.

Mreeeh. I just want to paint all the things! What sucks is knowing that I'm giving that painting to its receiver for Christmas (because that's the next appropriate time to give things, since that person's birthday doesn't come before then), so even if I painted it tomorrow, I'll have to hang onto it for months. Grrrr. Oh wells, at least I'll be able to make it. What's bothering me about it right now is that I want to make it so badly, but I don't have a canvas or even enough paint to do it. Also, I know what I'm making 4 other friends for Christmas, and I really need to get on that because otherwise I'm not going to save enough time to do it and so I have to go buy the things I need to make them and gahhh I've spent so much money in the last couple of weeks and gahhh.

And suddenly, this has become an incredibly long post with lots of words and no fun things at which to look. So here is a picture of my new paintings sitting on my ottoman because I can't hang them up on my walls yet because in order to do that, I need wire, and I have no wire.

It's also not the best lighting, but that's because it's 2:15am and the only light I have on right now is the floor lamp that was behind me when I took that picture. And still, I'm not tired, and I still haven't done my homework for Wednesday, but the nice thing about not having class on Tuesday is that you can get things done during the day. I'll miss my free Tuesdays when those classes start next week...

Anyway, I was feeling kind of lonely tonight but now that I've been telling you all about my paintings, I don't feel it quite so much. So that's good. I hope that whatever is happening in your lives is wonderful. You most likely didn't take the time to read all this stream-of-consciousness rambling, but that's okay. Thanks for looking.

Here comes the sun

2011-08-26T01:39:00.000-05:00

Shannon interpreted my cards yesterday. :)

The question I had in mind was about my love life in general, and the three cards I pulled from the deck represented my past, present, and future. The past and future cards I wasn't so concerned with, but my present...well well well. The Sun, pictured above, is a very happy card according to my lovely reader. I mean, just look at it - flowers, a child on a white horse, and sunshine. So much happiness.

So it looks like I'm pleased with my life at the present? I'd say that's pretty accurate.

School started a week ago, and it's going alright so far. It's going to be a tough semester, with tough classes on top of the fact that I'm technically taking 21 credits (because you're allowed to do that in professional school). But I'll be done with 2 of them by the time the weekend begins, and one of my classes is technically 4.5 credits (how does that even work?). And maybe I'm actually enjoying that one? So maybe it won't be too bad.

Also, my new freshmen moved in last weekend, and I adore them. My floor, the Honors Scholars Community on the 9th floor of Swanson, is composed of 32 women and 18 men, plus Tim and myself of course. These freshmen are just absolutely wonderful. They're always out of their rooms in the neutral zones, or else they have their doors open. There's always a little noise on the floor, and I love it - community is definitely being built. 20-some of my gals came to Zumba with me the other day, and it was a blast. Tomorrow I'm meeting with Tim and Jesska to talk about some stuff for the Honors Program. I'm just so ready to get this year going! I think it's going to be a pretty exciting year for the floor.

Tim and Ali - best floor partners everrr

There are plenty of other things for me to be happy about right now, too. I'm turning 22 in just over a week, and I'll be spending the long weekend (yeeeeah Labor Day) floating down a river and hanging out with some awesome friends - Tim, Katie, Eric, and Shannon! Then the next weekend I'm going to the wedding of two camp friends (!!!) and hopefully celebrating my birthday a week late with more friends. Ugh life is so good right now.

You are not alone in this

2011-08-22T00:42:00.000-05:00

You are not alone.

It's taken me a while to get to writing this post. I've been thinking about it literally for weeks now, and I even got it started. But I have been swallowed whole by Residence Life (not complaining about that, though - it's been such a fun time) and school (yeah, I could do without that right now...) and have thus been unable to find time to devote to writing it.

Also, I just didn't know what to say. Maybe I still don't.

Loneliness is one of my most common causes for my depression...probably the main cause, if I'm being honest. It's the feeling that everyone's forgotten about me, that everyone's having a good time and didn't think to invite me, that no one's thinking about me at the moment. So I'm sitting here with my door open, hearing the sounds of freshmen making friends and not worrying about classes yet because theirs don't start until Wednesday, and I'm alone and thinking about loneliness and feeling it, even when I've been with friends all day long.

Okay, so I swore I was going to make this post positive.

There are a few of you out there for whom this post is specifically meant. I don't know exactly what to tell you, but I want you to know that you shouldn't ever feel like that. You're always on someone's mind, even when you're not aware of it. Hell, you're on my mind a lot.

Especially during those times when you're all feeling crappiest, hit me up. I might not be able to answer you at the moment, but I notice when you try. I adore seeing my phone light up with your names. I think about some of you so very often, and I want you to know that. You're loved, you're appreciated, you're important. Remember that.

The design in the stars

2011-07-26T01:29:00.001-05:00

When I was younger, I could lay on the patio for hours on an autumn day staring at the sky. I wondered how it could be so incredibly blue, so impossibly clear, so wonderfully vibrant. I could feel something in it, something entrancing, but I could never quite put a finger on it.

When I feel the chill of the Midwest winter winds rushing into my lungs, the sky distracts me from my work in the evenings. I notice that even at midnight, it's a strange mix of mauve and sunset orange, glowing with the lights from the city. I ponder the color of the clouds, swollen with snowflakes ready to fall. Something about it keeps me gazing.

When I can tell a spring storm is ahead, I look first to the sky. The curious, sickly green color of the sky that settles around me is fascinating. I eagerly anticipate the lightning that shocks the area around me from the darkness. I am calmed by the drumming of the rain, the shaking of the thunder.

And when I'm home in the summer, I can see the stars. I have always had a love affair with the summer stars, shining and glinting in the navy blue velvety sky. I watch them for hours, searching for answers, for a design in the stars that might be the same as the one in my heart.

I am still unable to say what keeps me watching, which answers I desire from my sky, but I do think I might be getting there. Maybe one star is burning just for me, trying to find its way to me because there are billions of them and billions of us and it's so hard to find just the right match. Maybe there's a hint in the purple of the winter clouds or in the bluest sky I've ever seen. Maybe someone else wonders the same things as he watches his own version of the sky.

Maybe someday I'll know. Maybe not. But at this moment, I can live with the mystery.

I could offer you a warm embrace

2011-07-24T13:13:00.000-05:00

Adele's back to being stuck in my head. Make You Feel My Love, One and Only...they say it all. I've got a headache from the tears I've been needing to cry but couldn't. Twice now, HP7P2 has given me the release of emotion that I need. Also, I really can't wait until everyone comes back.

13 years

2011-07-19T02:34:00.001-05:00

13 years gone like 13 minutes...underwater.

Now that July 18th is over, I think it's time for a little reflection. The day marked the 13th anniversary of my diagnosis with type I diabetes, and to be honest, it was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. It carried a lot of emotion that I hadn't been expecting, and the day in general hurt a lot more than it usually does.

Normally my "diabeteversaries" are happy occasions, days when I get treated to a nice dinner and sometimes even cake! The past few years have been really chill, because after a while it's not such a big deal anymore. I didn't mean for this one to even be a big deal. A Facebook status, a Tumblr post, a tweet or two. Not too much. But I guess it was my own fault that it became a bit bigger, because I talked about this one a lot. I mean, it is kind of interesting that my diabetes is a teenager now. But then I started making it a bigger deal than I even wanted it to be, so much that Claire even made me a cake (which was delicious and so awesome of her - thanks friend!).

It didn't help that my mom sent me this text: "Hey hun, it never ceases to amaze me how much courage you have shown in dealing with your medical conditions. I'm thinking of you on this 13th anniversary. Luv, mama." I overlooked it when I first got it, but when I went to reply later, it just hit me. I wouldn't be alive if it hadn't been for her.

It was a reminder of how fragile my life is, how easily I could lose control, how easily it could kill me. Maybe you don't know this (or maybe you do), but I've had four seizures, including two in my sleep. I've struggled with the temptations of diabulimia (which I'm sure you can find some information about on the Google machine - too much effort to go into it right now), it's been a major source of my depressive times, and I stopped caring for a long time during spring semester this year. No, wait. I didn't just stop caring; I let it take over, I let it get to me. For the first time, I felt defined by it.

Diabetes sucks. It really, really sucks. And I legitimately am sorry that I can't explain it very well to those of you who aren't diabetic. Unfortunately, you just can't know how it affects you unless you have it. I know you can see how it affects me, and you might feel like you get it, but it's just one of those things, you know? One of those things that is just impossible to fully understand until you're the one dealing with it. That's why camp has been so important to me - it's the one place where everyone really understands. I've never had the same connection with another person as I have with Lauren, my best friend from camp. I'm very lucky to have someone like her who understands and has had very similar life experiences.

I apologize for any time ever when I have not been very patient in talking with you about it. I know that you might just want to understand better, or you're curious about how things work. If I have lost my patience (or lose it in the future), please know it's not your fault. I know I have said before that it's my favorite thing to talk about, but if I'm being honest, it's really not. I'm not going to avoid talking about it or try to keep it a secret, but I only talk about it because it's something I can discuss for hours on end.

Another note - please, please spare me the diabetes jokes. They're a lot less funny when that's your reality. Also, they hurt more than you think they do.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that diabetes is a large part of my life. It affects me daily, to an extent you can't imagine. People tell me they couldn't imagine giving themselves shots every day, that I'm so strong and courageous, that they wouldn't be able to do it. I know they mean well, and I really appreciate the sentiment. But honestly, I would trade anything for it. I'm not brave, I'm just trying to stay alive. You might not think you'd be able to do it, but five injections a day is a lot better than dying so that's the option I choose.

So...I guess that kind of covers it. It's confusing and it's messy and it's anything but pleasant. It comes with other issues, it creates a lot of problems, and it's inconvenient. It creates days like this that end in tears, and it hurts - both externally and internally. And now, once again:

Proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams

2011-07-17T12:54:00.000-05:00

I got caught in the rain.

It might not have been exactly the experience I was looking for, but it had a similar effect. Elane and I went to the Parachute/Michelle Branch/Goo Goo Dolls concert on Friday, and it was fantastic. It was a great reminder of what music means to me - I think I've been forgetting that lately. I wasn't expecting much from Michelle Branch, but I think I actually got the most out of her setlist.

The rain fell lightly while the Goo Goo Dolls were playing, and it had such a cool effect on the show. While the rain fell and we were singing along, I couldn't help but feel happy. Life was beautiful in that moment. As we left the concert, though, the rain started pouring down harder and harder. That was more like what I had wanted to experience, but we were running to the car so I didn't get to just stop and let the drops hit me. I did enjoy it, though. It was refreshing and fun.

Going back to that last post...I was in need of a really good cry when I wrote it, and I was trying and trying but I couldn't. Thankfully I got my chance to get it out during the Harry Potter midnight premiere! Haha.

But I'm starting to feel it again. I just want to watch sappy movies and read poetry and receive hugs. That's all I want right now. And I miss all my friends who aren't in Omaha severely. I think I've made that pretty obvious and I have no other way to say it that I haven't already used. I just really, really miss you all.

Also, Let the Rain just started playing on my iTunes, which I have on shuffle. Coincidence?

I just need the rain to remind me

2011-07-14T02:53:00.000-05:00

"I always felt it before, that the world was filled with much more than the drowning soul I've learned to be. I just need the rain to remind me."

I need to get caught in the rain.

I'll be walking around campus with nothing to do in the late afternoon. I'll feel the drops begin, followed by the downpour. Warm summer rain will fall on my head, for once clearing the thoughts that swirl there. Not worth it, worth it, do something, don't do anything. The water hitting the still-warm sidewalk will create a mist into which I can retreat, a cover behind which I can let the rain fall from my eyes. Because try as I may, I cannot cry now. I have nothing worth spilled tears at this moment, but I need to cry.

There are too many ways this song (found here) is a representation of my life.

I want to darken in the skies, open the flood gates up. I want to change my mind, I want to be enough. I want the water in my eyes, I want to cry until the end of time. I want to let the rain come down, make a brand new ground, let the rain come down.

Dear future pharmacist Ali,

2011-07-08T19:33:00.000-05:00

I have some advice for you.

Remember that at one point, you were a first-year student who didn't know anything. At one time in your life, you didn't know how your pharmacy was run, where to find certain drugs, or what all those abbreviations in the signature on the prescription meant. Once, you had no idea how to take a script over the phone, or how to do a transfer to your pharmacy. You had to learn how to use the computer program and someone had to tell you all the shortcuts.

One day, a student will come into your pharmacy to shadow you. She'll have curly red hair, tons of freckles, and a terrified look on her face. She'll be really nervous because she'll have only spent about 100 hours in a pharmacy total, and she won't even remember a lot of what she learned then. She might have a job that's completely unrelated to pharmacy because she loves it and she needs to make/save money to finish school. She might not be able to answer you when you ask her why she's going into pharmacy. She might not even know if that's really what she wants to do.

That's why you're there. Your actions will be significant in this girl's eyes. You could be a driving force when it comes to her final decision to be a pharmacist. You're there to teach her, to be the one that shows her the tricks and tell her how things work. You'll be important in her life, even if it's only for a few days.

She'll make mistakes, you know she will. But that's why you check everything, because everyone makes mistakes. You'll still make them at times. So my advice to you: be patient. Remember the things your mother taught you about teaching. People generally don't completely understand everything after being told once. Heaven knows you don't! When you have to remind your student of something, say it gently. Don't make her feel like she's an idiot because she didn't already know something. Be patient. Breathe. Remember the time when you were that girl, and how terrible you felt when you forgot something the pharmacist told you or when you made a mistake.

Be patient. She'll learn a lot from you - like what kind of person she's going to be one day.

If I ever get the nerve to say hello

2011-07-04T02:07:00.002-05:00

Euphoric.

That's how I felt tonight, sitting on a blanket watching my hometown's fireworks show with my second family. With colors bursting over my head, shattering into a thousand little pieces of light, I wasn't even thinking about anything. Entranced by the fiery sky, I didn't feel the need to hold in my stomach, or to mess with my hair, or to sit in any particular fashion. I felt simple, innocent, happy. Euphoric.

As I reread my most recent post a few minutes ago, I couldn't help but notice how out-of-place the last paragraph seems. I apologize for that. I had meant to end it on a high note, but then I ended up getting all lonely and downhearted again. Life is good, and since I wrote that, all I've been feeling is...I don't really know how to describe it. This sort of...giddiness, maybe? Just feeling happy to be alive. There are so many things that I am able to do and so many things that I want to do and it's wonderful.

I have better friends than I could even ask to have - ones who send me letters, play songs for me that make them think of me, respond to my Tumbls, text me with random hilarious things about their days, and call on a random afternoon while they're driving home just to chat for a little while.I am so blessed to have this life.

Omaha, somewhere in middle America

2011-07-01T00:47:00.001-05:00

"Get right to the heart of matters...it's the heart that matters more."
Omaha, Counting Crows

It's been an interesting week so far. Fun and heartache, stress and fear, loneliness and love. I think I've still got a lot to learn about myself, but I'm getting used to the idea.

I love this city...so incredibly much. Omaha has become my home in the last year - I actually feel like a visitor when I go back to my hometown. Crazy, isn't it?

You know, I think it's the people that make the difference. Even people I just met a month ago (ahem, Claire) are making this summer the best one yet. It's the conversations I have, and it's the adventures we go on, and it's the promise of being loved for me. That's what makes this my home. Home might not necessarily be a place, but instead it might be more of a feeling. The feeling of having a heart that's happy - that's the feeling of home.

Someday I'll find a man who loves all of me, every odd-fitting piece of the puzzle that is me. And if you already love them...well, sometimes I need to be told that.

(part of) Bandito - Eleanor Lerman

2011-06-29T21:33:00.000-05:00

...

This, by the way, this is not a fantasy

It is page 69 (ha ha!) of the manual

I read when we were planning

the takeover

So it didn't happen—so what?

This is better

Wait until I tell you

what's on the next page

These last two stanzas are what really make this poem for me.

This is important right now.

2011-06-27T02:03:00.000-05:00

3. Wait for it.
Wait for somebody who is perfect for you. I don't care how long you've been alone, or how easy it is to make excuses for somebody who makes you feel bad. I don't care if it's because you kind of like them, and I don't care if you think it 'could maybe work out.' Wait for somebody who is good to you. It doesn't matter if they make you giggle laugh, because if they give you that empty 'i'm not hungry' feeling in your stomach when they forget to call, they are not fucking worth it. They are never worth your bathroom tears or your constant 'what do you think it means' barrage to your friends. You are worth it. You are stupidly cool/sometimes lame but you have a human pulse and you don't kill people and you deserve to be happy. Maybe this person will take forever, maybe it will take till next week. Who knows when they will get their lazy ass off the couch and come find you? However, until then, don't put up with the bullshit. Don't put up with the bad feelings. Just go do your own thing until somebody fits your puzzle piece. It'll be something for the books. Don't fucking settle for anything less.

Taken from this. This is important right now.

This is life, and it's good.

2011-06-25T17:39:00.001-05:00

It's a best friend marrying the man who was meant for her. It's getting to share in the joy of the celebration as a bridesmaid. It's standing up on stage, laughing at the pastor's jokes and feeling the tears in your eyes when you see him looking at her with so much love in his eyes.

It's messing up and accidentally giving the wrong address and feeling terrible and apologizing a million times. It's the awkward introductions. It's the rest of the room disappearing while you're having a conversation. It's so many hugs. It's having a fantastic time while you're not even doing anything.

It's cracking up at old camp memories and it's realizing how well you're understood by each other. It's seeing a perfect little apartment that's so crowded with stuff and knowing there's tons more stuff coming into it soon. It's staying up until 2:30 AM when you have to get up in six hours but there's just so much to discuss. It's not being afraid to share your secrets because they're her secrets too. It's picking up right where you left off, no matter how many months or years it's been.

It's muffins for breakfast. It's a bitter cup of coffee with frozen whipped cream because there's no milk. It's singing along to every song on the way home and realizing that you are so incredibly happy. It's a fresh mani/pedi and lunch before leaving again, and it's a friend coming to visit for a while.

This is your life, and it is so good.

Dear searcher,

2011-06-22T03:43:00.000-05:00

I see you tried to find my Tumblr by using the name of this blog. However...
Tall, Red, and Freckled is only my Blogspot blog. And I will not be telling you what my Tumblr blog is called, because that's Tumblr and this is Blogspot and they are quite different.
However, I am okay with you searching for me. :)

Tonight, tonight

2011-06-20T19:47:00.000-05:00

What am I doing tonight?

Sitting in my room, watching Pride and Prejudice alone for the third (or is it the fourth?) time this summer.

What a waste of an I-feel-pretty day.

You could crush me

2011-06-19T19:43:00.000-05:00

It's that feeling of wanting something so deeply it starts to hurt. It starts in your chest, down below your heart, and it swells and it aches. There are no sharp pains, just a constant throbbing that spreads to your shoulders and down your arms. It's so strong that you think your heart might burst, and you try to breathe and you try to relieve the aching but it just won't fade.

GPOY, Monday night edition

2011-06-13T22:55:00.002-05:00

Inside is not a heart, but a kaleidoscope

2011-06-10T21:05:00.000-05:00

Too many serious posts lately.

So, I'm living in a building full of seminarians (175 of them) for the summer, in case y'all didn't know that. They're silent right now, which is awkward on top of the fact that they're already awkward in general. But it's interesting, you know? Even in their silence, I'm learning from them - I spent an hour in silence last night, and it was incredibly calming and serene.

I've had the privilege of meeting Father Michael Delcambre recently. He's been here for IPF (the Institute of Priestly Formation) for the past few days, teaching the seminarians. Sadly, he's leaving to go back to Louisiana early tomorrow, but I'm grateful for the chances I had to chat with him.

I don't have much time, so I'm going to make this quick. The main thing I've learned from Fr. Michael is to not only see the beauty in things we notice each day, but to try to understand why we noticed them. He calls it our "grace moment of the day." I feel like I'm not explaining this well.

It's a moment during our day when we can feel or see God in our lives - something that awes or amazes us. Does that make more sense?

Anyway, I like the idea of it. So I'm going to start doing it, journaling my grace moment each day. I think it'll be a good way to really examine the beauty in my life.

Sorry, I don't want to go all evangelical on you guys. This is basically just me rambling. But I just wanted to share that little piece of happiness with you. :)

Is anybody listening?

2011-06-09T19:39:00.000-05:00

Can't get enough of this song lately.

A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me - Derrick Brown

2011-06-06T23:28:00.000-05:00

This, guys. Just this.

Room 516

2011-06-05T19:38:00.005-05:00

blue sticky tack still on the side of the shelves, a long red hair stuck in it
a crack in the white plastic light fixture
plate on the south wall, its slight tilt that drove me a little crazy
irremovable safety rail on the side of the bed
drawer, third from the bottom, that only stays shut when it's empty
remaining furniture rearranged
missing a refrigerator because I brought my own
but that impossible microwave is there, the one that always burnt the popcorn
a teal plastic hook that I forgot in the bathroom
and the drain in the shower completely loose
missing its screws since it was fixed

scuffs of maroon scarring the west wall

reminders of the chair that once sat there

Important things happened here,
where I found perfection in the imperfections.

I just can't this right now.

2011-06-05T13:52:00.001-05:00

I can't this.

I'm trying to escape in happy memories and Harry Potter books, in work and in thoughts of home on Wednesday. But I can't. I can't shut out the hateful words, I can't block them from my memory. I can't deal with name-calling and I can't deal with words being put in my mouth when I never said them (and never would).

I can't cry because I'm at the front desk, working with a girl I hardly know and there are priests and seminarians everywhere. I can't cry because you're not here and there are other people moving into your room, because you're in Florida and I'm so happy you're there and I hope you are too. So I can't need you here right now because that's not fair.

But damn it, I do.

6:59 AM - Shane Koyczan

2011-06-05T09:38:00.000-05:00

I've been told
that people in the army
do more by 7:00 am
than I do
in an entire day

but if I wake
at 6:59 am
and turn to you
to trace the outline of your lips
with mine
I will have done enough
and killed no one
in the process.

Signed sincerely, me

2011-06-03T01:29:00.001-05:00

Yep, I'm doing it. I'm writing a post about not writing.

It's been a long time since I've written something real...on here, at least. That crap poem where I couldn't put into words how much I felt doesn't count - a) because I couldn't put into words how much I felt, and b) because I wrote it in a notebook first. Also, I wrote a letter the other night (that made me cry because I was so overwhelmed with everything I wanted to convey), and it will be on its way to the recipient very very soon (I promise). So I have done a little writing, yes, but not like this. This is stream of consciousness, flowing straight from my fingertips, less thought-out and deliberate writing.

Why, though?

I don't really know. Maybe I haven't had time to collect thoughts about any particular subject. Maybe I've just kind of been floating along the last few weeks and haven't actually felt passionate about any particular subject. Maybe it's that I don't want to share everything with...well, everybody.

Of the three options I've just allowed myself to consider, I think it would have to be the last one that is most likely to be the cause of this writer's block(?). It's quite possible that some of the subjects about which I've wanted to write are too much to share here. It's possible that they might be looking at this post right now.

#whoops

Also for that reason, I have not been sharing nearly as much personal information as I usually do...well, anywhere. Because I don't know who's seeing this or my Tumblr or anything else, I don't want to overstep boundaries that might exist or cause awkward situations that are only going to break my heart. I'm usually so willing to share everything with everyone, and now I'm wondering why. If I put everything out there, where's the mystery? It's the mystery that makes people crazy, makes them think and analyze and crave.

Sometimes I wish I could focus on certain people and see what they do. It would make things so much easier. But then I know that I wouldn't want to use that power, for fear of not seeing what I hoped.

So basically, I think about you a lot, and all I can do is hope that you do the same. Except about me. Because you shouldn't think about yourself as much as I think about you. That's just conceited, and you're not like that.

This rambling post brought to you by the 1:30 AM version of Ali G.

new pitcha :)

2011-06-01T16:59:00.000-05:00

I felt pretty today. :)

In a romantic mood tonight

2011-05-30T23:16:00.001-05:00

...but then again, when am I not?

Pride and Prejudice playing on my tv
champagne-colored nail polish

TOTES wearing this for Lauren's wedding

probs ending this calm evening with a little Pablo Neruda
this movie has one of the best soundtracks I've heard

especially "Dawn"

Also, I happen to be surrounded by young, single men. And they're all pre-priests. Greeeat.

Wait what?

2011-05-30T01:09:00.002-05:00

Uhh...no comprendo.

I think I need a good things list right now

2011-05-29T02:19:00.000-05:00

Started out the day with some awesome people at the Omaha Heritage Festival...interesting to say the least.
Got a little sun! :) Thank goodness for SPF 15 makeup, otherwise it'd be a lot worse.
Saw Andrea for a little bit - I miss my Kiewit staff friends with a ridiculous amount of missingness, so it was really great getting to chat with her.
Went through a tonnn of pictures to find the ones I needed to print. Such great memories.
Baaaaaseballlllllll game - MVC champions! #rolljays
Got the attention I needed - less than what I was really hoping for, but that's okay.
Working on a care package for Patrick. :)
Feelings validated by Tumblr - sometimes it's okay to be a stupid girl.
My first experience with Red Mango! Yummmm
The Prince and Me on TBS ♥
HP and the Chamber of Secrets to finish the evening.

Man in the Moon

2011-05-28T01:02:00.000-05:00

I will see you in the moon,
and you can find me in the stars.
In the violet dusk on the horizon
over the ocean in front of you,
I'm there, refusing to be
swallowed by the city lights.
I found my glimmer in you
and my twinkle in your eyes.
Speak to me, man in the moon,
and I'll wait here in the night.
I'm listening for you,
glistening for you,
and you can find me in the stars.

For two very special men on two very different coasts. Miss you so much.

Party in your bedroom

2011-05-26T01:13:00.000-05:00

I'm loving my roomba for the summer. I've got bunkbeds AND an armchair. YES. Next to come are white Christmas lights and some framed pictures!

The Unwritten - W.S. Merwin

2011-05-23T23:14:00.001-05:00

Inside this pencil

crouch words that have never been written

never been spoken

never been taught

they're hiding

they're awake in there

dark in the dark

hearing us

but they won't come out

not for love not for time not for fire

even when the dark has worn away

they'll still be there

hiding in the air

multitudes in days to come may walk through them

breathe them

be none the wiser

what script can it be

that they won't unroll

in what language

would I recognize it

would I be able to follow it

to make out the real names

of everything

maybe there aren't

many

it could be that there's only one word

and it's all we need

it's here in this pencil

every pencil in the world

is like this

For my fellow writers, especially those who are just beginning.

Home is wherever I'm with you

2011-05-20T23:05:00.002-05:00

Things I'm loving about home so far:

1. I can take a baaaath here.
2. I've read a hundred pages of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone tonight.
3. My parents and I had a good conversation over dinner.
4. I didn't have to pay for my dinner. ;)
5. I'm snuggled under my quilt reading, it's only 11:00 and I'm tired, and I can sleep in tomorrow.
6. I get to see some truly wonderful friends tomorrow.
7. I didn't have to buy my own groceries.
8. My parents are on a good spell, it seems. It's always nice when I don't have to be stuck in the middle of a pointless argument.
9. I get to see a bunch of my extended family on Sunday.
10. Although there's still an air of not really belonging here, I'm glad I am. It's not so frustrating this time.

You've been on my mind

2011-05-19T01:33:00.002-05:00

Good things list:

Bike ride tonight, to Iowa and back.

My leg muscles seem to have remembered they exist.
I will be extremely sore when I get up in the morning.

An "I miss you" text that I really needed.

PS - I miss you right back, and I can't wait to send you the package I'm planning.

Made it to Scooter's with 10 minutes to spare before it closed.
Wonderful time spent back at the Kiewit desk with Lance.

His fambam is basically awesome. :)

Can finally send in my RSVP for the wedding!

(because now I know who's coming to it with me)

Wishing Elane's and my schedules could not be polar opposites for just one evening.
Back to living in Swanson!

But I do really miss Kiewit...

Going home this weekend.

Seeing the mama, the papa, the bffs, and the extended fambam!

So many tears in the last couple weeks.

Yes, that is a good thing.
It means I was moved or that I really truly love the people in my life (and miss them a ton).

I just wanna be alone with your smile

2011-05-12T01:39:00.000-05:00

2 things:

That damn dream I had this morning. It was the first one about you in months. You were standing there, holding the hand of a girl who was taller, skinnier, and had darker red hair than me. In the beginning, your hair seemed like you cut it, but then I realized it was longer than ever. You were so self-absorbed that you didn't even notice me.
Seeing lyrics from Blink-182's "M+M's" on Tumblr. It took me back to that time when we just sat in your car and you played it for me, telling me to listen to all the lyrics. All I wanted was to buy some candy (but not cigarettes) and drive to Madagascar with you. And I thought of how those are your favorite candy, and how I bought you that 42-ounce bag of them when I left for school so you'd eat them at work and think of me.

So I played it, and Dammit came on next, and why does every Blink-182 song have to be about you? Why did I have to start listening to your favorite band so much that I can still remember all the words, even though I haven't listened to them in a year and a half? And then there was Feeling This, and I could remember singing harmony with you in the car, and how you played Down and I didn't really understand it.

And it's not that I miss you, it's that I wish you would have tried harder. Because then I wouldn't be crying about nostalgia, I'd be crying about how I'm going to be in Omaha and you're going to be in Texas for the summer, but I wouldn't be alone tonight because you're not leaving for another couple of weeks.

And I just want to know what makes you smile now and if it still hurts to think about that night, whether you thought about coming after me when I left, and why you never called. And if you talked to your mom or your grandma or your brothers and what they said about me and what if I had gone to your grandma's wedding last summer? How the smell of the Garnier Fructis in my hair doesn't remind me of yours anymore, it's just how my hair smells now.

And how I just want to prove to you how much better off I am without you pulling me down all the time and how you hated my friends and how I hated that you hate everyone. And how you ruined Christmas for me that year and never wanted to introduce me to your family and how I never understood that.

And how I wish you'd call, still. That you'd want to apologize and show me how you've changed and become a better person. And how I'd pretend not to know who was calling because I deleted your number but can still remember it immediately when I think about it. And how I try not to think about it, but suddenly it's there, just like the way you'd roll your eyes when you were being ridiculous and how much I loved your real smile and how rarely I saw it because you were never happy, just content. And how I couldn't handle just being content and just wanted to make you happy but never could and how I drove myself crazy with that.

And how you had such an amazing smile.

I can't remember the song I wanted to use as the title of this post and it's driving me nuts.

2011-05-07T22:07:00.000-05:00

There are words colliding in my head

like strangely shaped stones

with sharp spikes and rounded curves.

I want to hurl them at you in screams

or offer them in a whisper

so you can barely hear them.

I tried to write them away,

but those words are still

trapped in my mind, jumbled and

thunking against my skull.

So I melted them and

poured them out of my eyes

to the one who already knows them by heart

and knows he can’t do anything

but try to catch them.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

2011-04-26T19:09:00.001-05:00

(credit to Bill for the e-card)

My friend (a fellow diabadass and one of my closest friends) and I were talking one day, and we came to a realization…having diabetes messes you up.

A lot of diabetics (myself included) have had emotional/mental health issues in their lives. I personally have struggled with an obsession with perfection. One friend had an eating disorder. Another dropped out of high school. When you stop to think about it, having diabetes has a huge impact on your life.

I don’t know if it’s chemical - it could be, but I’m not so sure that it’s true. I think it’s more about having to fight to survive, relying on insulin to stay alive each and every day, being forced to live a stressful life full of needles and numbers. It’s the stares when you’re out in public, it’s the questions that you say you don’t mind answering, it’s especially the people who say, “I admire you. I don’t think I could do what you do,” because when it comes down to it, you either do it or you die. So you do it. You don’t think you can, but you have to.

Diabetes creates this anger deep down in you. There’s a feeling that you weren’t supposed to make it, that the fact that you’re alive when one of your very vital organs doesn’t work at all isn’t right. That you have to live like this forever (or at least until an adequate cure is found). That your disease is influencing your life enough that you’re making a career out of it. That people think they understand when they really don’t. That people would do anything for you not to suffer - your dad would give you his pancreas if he could, your mom would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

So yeah, in a way, diabetes messes you up.

Next time I'll be braver - I'll be my own savior

2011-04-25T23:45:00.001-05:00

Thoughts for the day/week:

Adele. Damn.
Third wheel hangouts that don't bother me
Follows/unfollows shouldn't excite/bother me so much.
Motivation to study is difficult to find when tests are a week away.
Cold rain on warm skin
Ten days without a debit card and only $60 cash
Soon everyone will be leaving for the summer

Including friends with whom I'm not close enough yet

There's still so much for us to talk about

Ridiculously busy schedule for the next 3 weeks
Counseling this week, both continuing for me and starting for a dear friend

The even stronger connection made because of it

Making friendship bracelets
Date for the wedding?

Need to ask soon!

Shadows

a.k.a. WOW some of my friends are really talented

Sick of degrading crap on Twitter from anonymous people here at school
Thankful for people who take notice

And who know what I need, rather than assuming they can just fix it.

I must become the lion-hearted girl

2011-04-19T15:48:00.000-05:00

It's time to organize my life.

I've got five tests left of my first year of pharmacy school. Four of them are in two weeks (one Monday, two Tuesday, one Wednesday), and one is the next Wednesday. Until then, I have time to study a couple hours every day and really get prepared for them - I need to prepare for them. My grades have not been so hot this semester, and I definitely know the reasons why. Now that we're at the end of the year, it's time to take care of those reasons and do as well as I can. It all started today with my first 100% on a test this year! Too bad the class is pass/fail...

Outside of classes, there are things I need to take care of in my personal life as well. I'm more content with my life right now than I have been in a long time, which is really great. I have more and more days where I can tell myself I'm worth it, that I look nice, that I am someone to love. I told Scott last night that for once, I feel like I can do it. What it is I can do, I'm not quite sure...but I can do it. I'll figure it out. I'm still scared. I'm confused, and I'm lost, and I'm afraid. But that's not taking over my life right now.

Fear is necessary sometimes, and it tells us that we're doing something big, something that matters. It could be dealing with a part of your life you've never acknowledged before, or realizing that these people you love won't be here with you forever (or you won't be here with them forever), or deciding between living across the world for a while and staying with the people you need in your life. Whatever the source of our fear, the fact that it exists tells us that life is about to change, no matter what happens. Something's going to be different, and we've got to deal with it.

But we're not alone. We're never alone.

I'm gonna keep this secret

2011-04-15T05:31:00.001-05:00

This post's title inspired by the latest webcast posted on Everyone is Gay. :)

But really, though, I've been thinking about secrets a lot lately. I know some, and I have some of my own...and they're just kind of hard to deal with sometimes.

It's really difficult when you want to tell someone all of your secrets, but either (a) you know you can't because you promised you wouldn't tell people, or (b) your brain tells you that you shouldn't tell that person, for some reason.

I generally try to be a relatively translucent person when it comes to my thoughts. You know when I'm happy, stressed, angry, sad, hopeful...but sometimes, especially when I'm scared, I feel like I have to keep it in.

And right now...I'm scared, guys.

Happiness is just outside my window

2011-04-05T22:58:00.000-05:00

I'm thankful daily for the people in my life. Today, it's especially Elane, Steph, Patrick, and Andrew.

I'll explain why later. Much later, when I don't have a test tomorrow, lab the next day, 5 hours of class the next day, 10 hours of class the day after that, and 2 tests next week. So basically, I won't be saying much for a week.

Sorry. :(

(not) Waiting for my prince to come

2011-04-03T20:40:00.001-05:00

This weekend, I went to Creighton's production of Into the Woods, which I surprisingly have never heard of before this year. I really enjoyed it, mainly because Tim was absolutely hilarious in it - he was Cinderella's prince, and bahahahaha...I was laughing so loud at him (and the cow, Milky White). Besides the hilarity, though, I liked the show because it made me realize something.

I don't want a Prince Charming.

I'm not saying that I don't want a man in my life.Y'all know me, and you know that's not true. But Tim had a line in the second act..."I was raised to be charming, not sincere." Then later, Cinderella had a line that was something to the effect of "his house was a nightmare and yours is a dream, but I want something in-between."

It was those two lines that really made me think. I don't want someone who's perfect. I want someone whose imperfections I can see, someone who doesn't hide them from me. Then I can be more comfortable in sharing my own. I want someone real, because that's the only way I would be able to find something real. Because in all actuality, isn't it the imperfections that make relationships beautiful? Without them, things would be boring, bland, and simple.

Easy doesn't mean right. Usually, easy actually means wrong - it's too easy to do what you want when what you need is really difficult. But we have to push through the difficult times, the imperfect times, to really appreciate the beauty in our lives. Without those hard times, how would we know who's really there for us? How would we know who really loves us for the people we are, rather than the people they think we are/want us to be?

I don't know who he is, I don't know where he is. But I know he's out there, my un-Prince Charming. He'll love me not because I'm perfect, but because my imperfections are parts of me. We'll grow together, accomplish things, love each other like no one ever loved us before.

Until then, I have friends who love me for exactly who I am. How do I know? I know because they stick with me through hard times. No, they do more than that. They carry me through hard times, push me to be me and no one else. They don't falter in times when I feel like I don't deserve them, they celebrate with me when I find things to love about myself. They demand that I tell them five things I love about myself, they supply endless hugs, they wake me up with texts. They tell me secrets, they tell me to "find perfection in the imperfections." So this one goes out to Scott, Eric, Bill, Steph, Patrick, Katie, Shannon, Katherine, Elane, Franky and others.

Also: I felt pretty last night. I was stressing about things to wear, right down to the jewelry, but I found an outfit that was just right. I didn't try too hard with my makeup and hair, and I felt pretty. No one had to tell me for me to feel it, which I think was the best part.

I promise I'm worth it

2011-03-30T22:20:00.001-05:00

I can't stop listening to Adele! Svingen gave me her "21" album this weekend, and I just can't keep myself from listening to it. Top songs: One and Only, Turning Tables, Don't You Remember, Someone Like You. I want to listen to them forever and always.

As Svingen said, I like songs with feelings.

Super-busy lately. Hopefully a better post will come soon. I just need to find something to be passionate about in my life right now.

Thoughts without words

2011-03-27T11:09:00.001-05:00

Two long bodies
stretched out on a dorm bed
intimate moments relaxing
in the space between
Thoughts without words
displayed through
a head on a shoulder
a hand on a knee
Resting their tired eyes
until the music runs out
then into the silence
comfortable and easy

The weakness, the sadness, the sirens, the madness

2011-03-26T00:47:00.000-05:00

The pounding in your chest...like you're racing the street in an ambulance.

I don't know how to feel today. It's almost like I don't want to be happy right now. I just feel like being bitchy. Yikes.

I'm attributing it to my lack of sleep and the crappy duty from last night. There were just things to deal with, people who wouldn't stop talking...blah. I was up until 4:15 and then had to get up at 7:15 to pick up a friend and go volunteer at Project Homeless Connect Omaha (which is really amazing...so many resources for the homeless community of Omaha!). Plus I had the duty phone, which I really didn't want to be carrying around with me at PHCO because...well, why would I? Also, it snowed last night. Thank God I didn't fall this time.

I was parked in the garage, which is halfway across campus. Then I couldn't find a parking spot to fit my car, so I ended up going back to the garage after dropping off Elane (aforementioned friend) at PHCO. Then I ran back to drop off the duty phone at the front desk because it was finally 8:00, then ran to PHCO to check in. Whew.

My PHCO clients took longer than expected, mostly because there were two of them and only one of me. So I got out of there about an hour later than I had planned on, which was fine. Then I had a meeting at 12:45, which went very well, but immediately after that I had to go do two other things on campus before I had to work at 2:00...uggggh. Then I worked til 5, and then I had to check in for duty for the second night in a row. Now I'm working at the desk again, and it's fine. I'm just sick of dealing with people and I want them to read my mind.

So it's been a crazy day with hardly any time to just take a breath.

Yesterday, however, was really relaxing up until the evening. It was wonderful - I slept for 9 hours, got a free cupcake, helped some friends out...beautiful. But then duty happened, and people had their super-sassy pants on and I wasn't feeling that. My mood just kept steadily decreasing until I finally just let go while Eric was hugging me. All I needed was to be held for a second - really, that's all I ever need.

Maybe it's just been building up all week. Starting with the tests that didn't go well because I didn't feel like trying, followed by a talk with my boss that I never really planned to have (and actually have never had with anyone else, even Patrick or Steph - btw you two, feel free to ask if you want to know), then possibly unintentionally (and regrettably) putting myself in the friend category with someone...then last night...then today...blaaaaaaaaah.

Good things did happen, though - spring training for next year's ResLife staff, lunch with same someone, lunch with others, going out with friends from home...lovely. Got re-hired for camp, getting an email instead of an interview for the job I had last summer, interview for the job I actually want this summer in a couple days...fantastic. But this mood just isn't going away.

I need sleep.

She's on your mind

2011-03-22T21:11:00.000-05:00

It's been a few days full of The Fray for me lately. Sorry, I don't really have time to post anything right now due to a physiology exam that will be over 12 hours from now, but here's a song for you to consider. Love you all. ♥

Blue skies are calling, but I know that it's hard

2011-03-20T19:15:00.000-05:00

Blue Skies - Noah and the Whale

Such a beautiful song. Something about it just makes me stop and listen when I hear it.

Blue skies are calling. They're calling out to me, waiting for me to find them. And I'm getting so close.

Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new

2011-03-20T03:17:00.000-05:00

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me, time after time.

I wish I could say that tonight was perfect. It was so damn close.

Going out, dancing the night away, being young and wild and free...amazing. A hand held, a good mood.

But then that ending to the night sucked. Absolutely sucked. It's actually pretty painful when it seems like someone wants you around, wants to talk with you, and then forgets what he said and tells you that you should go away.

I don't know if you realize it, but you never said thank you for your gift. Saying thank you really isn't your strong suit, is it? I've seen it - it was in that look when you saw that I wrote in the book, and it was in your voice tonight when you said you noticed that I had actually paid attention to what you wanted. I did, trust me - it took me weeks to decide what to give you. I'm the type that needs to hear things sometimes...but it looks like I just need to look for it instead of expecting to hear it.

But that realization doesn't mean I'm not going to cry it out now.

Student - Ted Kooser

2011-03-18T02:39:00.000-05:00

The green shell of his backpack makes him lean

into wave after wave of responsibility,

and he swings his stiff arms and cupped hands,

paddling ahead. He has extended his neck

to its full length, and his chin, hard as a beak,

breaks the cold surf. He's got his baseball cap on

backward as up he crawls, out of the froth

of a hangover and onto the sand of the future,

and lumbers, heavy with hope, into the library.

I'm sure you can all figure out who this is for.

I'd build you an empire

2011-03-15T09:38:00.000-05:00

I am happier.

I won't lie to you - I'm not completely happy. There are still sad times to balance things out. But I'm getting pretty good at starting to recognize them...I can feel it coming, and now I have ways of dealing with it.

Right now, though...I'm pretty happy. There are reasons I can't discuss here, but some of you already know those. Some of you don't, but I'm okay with that. Bahahaha.

Other reasons: I feel better about myself than I have in a while. There are lots of things I can improve, with both my health and my daily life, but I'm beginning that process. I have tons to do in the next few weeks, but now I feel like it's manageable instead of feeling lost and drowning in the work that I have to do. I think things are going to be improving with my mom, after the very tearful conversation we had the other day. I'm starting to be myself.

I'm starting to be myself.

A song for Steph

2011-03-14T19:45:00.001-05:00

"Here we are now with the desperate youth and pain - we're awakening." Made me think of you, darling, and how maybe both of our lives are being awakened now. With love ♥.

(The video's a little random, but I think it's kind of fun to watch).

Well maybe...the landslide will bring you down

2011-03-14T08:40:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I'm not going to apologize for that. Honestly, I haven't felt the need to say anything over the past few days. Lately I've been writing things out in my notebook...most of what I want to say is a little too private to be put in a post for anyone to read. I also had a really wonderful conversation with one of my absolute best friends (shoutout to Steph) yesterday; I finally got something out that I've been holding in for a very long time, and I couldn't have asked for a better listener.

I realized recently that I've been taking a lesson from Glee lately - there are so many songs that can describe how I'm feeling so perfectly. In case you haven't noticed or figured it out yet, almost all of my post titles are song lyrics - each one matches how I felt at the time, or at least was playing in my head for some reason. This time, it's Landslide (originally by Stevie Nicks). I would prefer the Stevie Nicks version, but I couldn't find a good recording of it...or I didn't try very hard because I actually really like the Dixie Chicks version too. I never really understood what this song was trying to say in the past - I guess I never really listened. But yes, it was last week's episode of Glee that made me re-examine it. I had to figure out what the characters were trying to communicate, and I wasn't getting it just from the show. I had to read the lyrics, I had to listen to the melody, I had to look at my own life.

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I ran to the tower where the church bells chimed...

2011-03-08T00:28:00.000-06:00

...and I hoped that they would clear my mind. They left a ringing in my ear, but that drum's still beating loud and clear.

I went to Mass with my mom yesterday back home.

I've been thinking lately that maybe church is what's missing. Maybe I just need to rebuild my relationship with God and the Church to figure out my life.

The thing is, I think I already have a pretty good relationship with God. But that means that I have my own beliefs...which are not necessarily the same as an organized religion's.

The priest focused his homily on foundations. The Gospel reading was Matthew 7: 21-27 - foundations. The wise man builds his house on rock, unlike the fool who builds his on sand. We're supposed to build our faith on the teachings of the Church, and it'll become our rock. With the Church as our foundation, we can't go wrong.

Right?

But I have my rock. My rock is made of the people I love. My rock is the belief that God is love - all-encompassing, unending, unwavering love. As Father Greg Boyle, S.J., said, "This is a God who's too busy loving you to be disappointed." I think God loves every person. He created us all, didn't he? Didn't He make us exactly the way we were to be made? So how could he possibly NOT love us? God loves us. That is my rock, my foundation.

Then why is the Church grinding my rock into sand?

How is it, then, that if we are supposed to love our neighbor, if God truly loves us...how does it possibly add up that we can't let love happen? Why can't people I love so much love each other?

Yes, this is turning from a religious rant into an LGBTQ rights rant.

Love is love. You can't tell people I love that they can't love each other based on which gender they are. You can't keep them from loving each other by withholding the ability to marry. That's not how love works. The heart works, regardless of a piece of paper. But it would be nice to allow them that sanctity, the ability to prove that they will love no one else the way they love each other for the rest of their lives.

Also, this is becoming a save-the-world rant.

We just sit there in the gorgeous brick building, filled with heat or air conditioning that's so plentiful we complain about it, listening a man wearing a robe stitched with sparkling gold-colored threads, under a crucifix hand-carved of bleached wood. What good is any of that doing for the world? Why do we have such nice things when so many people have none, and why are we enjoying them when we could actually be doing something worthwhile?

I felt like I needed to leave partway through Mass. Just run, drive away to where no one could hear me, and scream. Scream in frustration at living such a privileged life and not realizing how much I don't deserve until now. Scream in fear for the rest of my life, afraid to lose this. Scream in confusion, not knowing where to start to make sense of it all.

So all in all, going to church at home made it worse. Thankfully, I'm at Creighton, where a lot of people seem to feel similarly. A lot of those people happen to be my friends.

I think I need to start going to St. John's more, but not St. Patrick's.

Take your bags upstairs, tell yourself you still live here

2011-03-05T20:39:00.000-06:00

How to return home.

I didn't want to be here. Honestly, I still don't really want to be here. I want to be back in MY room, the one where I do my real living - not the one here in this house, the room that could have been cut out of a magazine. Here in this town, the one that goes to bed at 10:30 and wakes up at 7, goes to the YMCA and runs errands at HyVee and Miller Pharmacy.

Why don't I want to be here?

To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure. I just want to be in Omaha.

I like Omaha. I like its sunrises and sunsets, I like its city atmosphere, I like the pedestrian bridge and Jones Bros. Cupcakes, I like that my friends are there. I like being on campus, especially those times when I have it to myself.

I think the issue here is less about spring break and more about summer. I don't want to feel so much like a child, the way I do here. My mom leaves me a list of things to do each day, including things like working out and doing the laundry, buying groceries, cleaning my bathroom, etc. If I was living on campus by myself this summer...I can just imagine it. I'd be so much more independent. I'd have work to do during the days, of course, but then I could go to the Farmer's Market or ride my bike to the pedestrian bridge and just sit for a while. I'd be able to take care of myself and not have to worry about doing things just to make my mom happy.

I might be growing up.

"It's a funny thing about coming home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realize what's changed is you." - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Loving you should be easier, but say the word and I might have to stay

2011-03-02T14:11:00.001-06:00

"Watching your chest rise and fall, the numbers don't add up at all when all we are is 100 trillion cells, 206 bones, 5 quarts of blood, 45 miles of nerves, nerves, nerves, and 100,000 hairs, and too many organs, and 60,000 miles of arteries...we must have been made by a man, because a woman would've made us more economically."

That song, as well as the album it comes from, is providing thoughts for the week...possibly (read: probably) much longer than that. The album is titled Our First Mistake and is a compilation of songs written by Kerrigan-Lowdermilk, a musical-writing pair that I fell in love with when I first heard my choir teacher sing Run Away With Me sophomore year of high school. Run Away With Me, from the musical The Unauthorized Autobiography of Samantha Brown, remains one of my favorite songs ever.

So...there are no decent YouTube videos of my favorite version (by Josh Young - iTunes it up, people!), but I just found this 3-part version! Aside from it not being the best recording, it's actually really good. Watch it watch it watch it...waaaaaaaatch iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

But back to the album. How to Return Home, Last Week's Alcohol, Not a Love Story...so much emotion, so many things to consider.

It's hard to describe it...but this is an album that you can't just listen and sing along with. You need to pay attention to it, digest it, let it impact you. It's so perfect. It's so wonderful. It's so...not for everyone. Just so you're aware. You might not like it. But maybe it'll surprise you how much Last Week's Alcohol's beat gets stuck in your head, how you remember the verse from Five and a Half Minutes so easily.

Give it a try. Prepare for a different musical experience.

I think I like today...

2011-02-28T19:50:00.000-06:00

"...I think it's good...it's something I can't get my head around."

Basically, today was fantastic.

I hardly slept last night because I was so inspired to edit a poem I had posted on here a while ago. I changed it three times last night, then completely overtook it twice again this afternoon. When I was finally satisfied and could read it aloud and feel the ebb and flow of my heart along with it, I submitted it to Shadows, the literary magazine. Who knows whether it'll be accepted or not. Regardless, I will hopefully get some comments on it to see what the staff liked and what they would have changed. Look at me, learning how to take criticism.

Classes were typical, nothing special. But my assignments for the weekend were pretty dang easy, which is really nice. Had my meeting with Mandi (mah booosssss), which went really well. She said that I was mentioned in a few weekly reports, even though she had only sent one comment to me. That made me feel incredible, to be honest. All I want is to make my friends feel good about themselves. All I want is to help, and it's nice to hear that I did every once in a while.

Dinner with wonderful friends, of course, made the day even better. Steph is finally back! :) Also, I began listening to Kerrigan-Lowdermilk's album that I bought on iTunes last week, and I can't get enough. Especially this song. It just makes me want to dance - I'm feeling lyrical with that one. OH, and after dinner. Shannon took me to the stress-relief program they were having in McGloin: PUPPIESSSS. Oh my goodness.

I feel pretty today. I legitimately dressed up, with a sweater-dress and leggings and boots and all. Why? Umm...just because? I felt like looking hot today! And I've been waiting for the right weather to wear this outfit. I curled my hair before dinner, and it turned out super-well! I really like what my bangs are doing right now, and I'm thinking it might happen more often.

Possible enhancement to my look...I was happy. As Audrey Hepburn said, "I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls."

We're just amateur lovers with amateur friends

2011-02-24T21:38:00.000-06:00

"I love you."

Simple words, aren't they?

But think about it...to how many people have you said that and really, truly meant it? Honestly, outside of my family, there aren't too many that I can think of.

I'm an I love you slut (like Hannah from Made of Honor). I say it all the time, but I don't believe in saying it too much. I use it to express things that might be better expressed by other words, but I never think people would be better off not saying it. It's a phrase commonly used to tell people that they're really great, or when people feel obligated to say it because someone said it to them, or to people they don't truly know because it makes them feel like they have friends.

So I'm making it my promise to you, my friends, to tell you that I love you and mean it. And if I have told you that I love you, believe me - I truly meant it. In a whisper at 4:30 am, yelling from my door while you're in the elevator, sitting on your floor drunk on wine and life on a Tuesday night...I couldn't have meant it more. I love you.

"I love, I love, I love you, and never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

2011-02-23T01:02:00.000-06:00

"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are, because He made you perfectly."

Before I begin, a side note: I think I just fell in love with Taio Cruz's "I'll Never Love Again."

Today. Today started off with very little sleep, but a little more than the night before. Alarm at 6:30, up around 6:50. To the classroom at 7:00, test at 8:00. Lunch consisting of junk food in the library studying for test #2. Test at 2:30. I didn't do as well as I had hoped on either of the tests, but I guess that's kind of what happens when your professors are terrible at scheduling exams and give you three in two days.

(I guess it's also kind of due to the fact that I didn't pay attention in class and spent less time studying for these than the one yesterday, but I'm going to blame other people because that makes me feel less terrible about myself.)
Anyway, so then I had some time off to sit around, chill, and clean up a little bit. Then I had a professional meeting (Midwest College of Clinical Pharmacists, woot!) at 5:30 - baked potatoes included, yum - which focused on INSULIN THERAPY MANAGEMENT. Yessssssssss. I was fascinated, enthralled, and engaged for every second of that presentation. And it wasn't even that great - I just love learning more and more about my disease/future career. So it was great, and I was ecstatic leaving the meeting at 7:00.

Some of my excitement, however, may have been because Wine Tuesday had then arrived. I chilled with my ladies, drank some cheap but delicious wine, and enjoyed being alive for a couple hours. It was beautiful.

So overall, I actually kind of ended up enjoying today. It really wasn't terrible like I thought it was going to be.

Also, I'm hoping Steph feels less stressed out soon! Sending lots of love her way.

Still angry. Made a list of reasons today, which ended up being a lot longer than I originally thought. Eh, we'll see how it goes.

In the shadow of your heart

2011-02-21T01:48:00.000-06:00

It's not about him this time.

"Then in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat. I tried to find the sound, but then it stopped and I was in the darkness, so darkness I became."

I feel like I'm constantly applying for friendship. Doing things to make people like me, make them want to be around me like I want to be around them. I've achieved that with very few people, and you're not helping me with it. Like I said, counting down the days until you get sick of me.

Hey, boys.

2011-02-18T02:13:00.002-06:00

Boys of friends.

Boy friends of friends.

Boyfriends of friends.

Don't treat my friends like crap.

I'm not okay with that.

Also, please learn how to use grammar correctly. I Hate It When You Type Like This.

A quick update

2011-02-14T23:37:00.000-06:00

Better?

Eh, we'll see. At least I felt like laughing today. The weather is helping tremendously!

Sorry for the lack of posting lately...and for the lack of posting that is to come. One exam tomorrow and three next Monday and Tuesday. YIKES.

Broken

2011-02-12T23:09:00.000-06:00

my room
alone
melancholy
your room
dissolving
hold me
help me
you can’t, not enough
I don’t know
I need to go
I can’t
I’m scared
I’m scarred
hold me
help me
walk with me
walk with me
catch me I’m falling
will you go with me?
12:30 Wednesday
talking
talking
crying
sobbing
depression
medication?
wait, what?
no, that means it’s real
I’m fine
I’m working on it
I’ll be fine
Won’t I?
I don’t know
hold me
help me
find myself

You're not a person, you're a disease

2011-02-09T00:48:00.001-06:00

That's part of my fear.
I'm already defined by disease, and I don't want to add to that.

I'm scared.
Terrified, actually.
I can't do it.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.

I have to, though.

Less than 12 hours to go.

Details in the fabric

2011-02-08T17:01:00.000-06:00

If it's a broken part, replace it.
If it's a broken arm, then brace it.
If it's a broken heart, then face it.
Hold your own,
know your name,
and go your own way.

It seems so simple in a song. Just face it.
But when you're terrified of what you're finding inside yourself, it's not so easy.

Things to talk about:

general sadness and loneliness
obsession with perfection
what I hate about myself
seeking acceptance from other people
putting the happiness of others before my own
the aftermath of an emotionally abusive relationship
how it's not going away...none of it ever goes away.

Make up your mind to be well

2011-02-07T11:04:00.001-06:00

"Catch me, I'm falling."

That line from the song he played for me is haunting me. It plays over again and again and again in my head, but it doesn't bother me. It gives me something to think about.

I'm messed up. Seriously, really messed up. I don't know what it is...maybe you can't really put a label on it. But I have big problems, and it's time to admit that. I need more than just friends - don't get me wrong, friends help. They really do. But friends can't fix me.

I love my friends, an incredible amount. I think we all know that. So far this year, they've kept me going, kept me positive, kept me hopeful. I have so much fun with my friends, and I share everything with them (well...almost everything, and some more than others). They're the ones I rely on for hugs, for held hands, for eye contact. But friends can't fix me.

I want to say it's kind of funny, but it's not. It's odd, but not to me. It's crazy, but not to me. So I'll settle for this: It might be interesting to you, if you don't know me as well as some...ugh. This is making no sense. But I'm not hitting the backspace, because I'm leaving this post as it is (except, of course, for grammatical mistakes). Okay, so. Instead of prefacing it, I'm just going to say it. Someone mentioned me in his weekly report to Mandi last week, saying that I'm always so positive and how it helps keep the rest of the staff positive too. It made me sooooo happy seeing that. I'm really glad that I can help others to be happier - that's what I enjoy most.

But having someone say that I'm great at being positive means that I'm really good at pretending.

Truth is, I'd sacrifice my own happiness any day to make the people around me happy. If someone I love is going to be made happy, I will be miserable (without showing it) if that's what it takes. Because even when I'm miserable, I'm so relieved that someone else is happy that my own feelings don't really make a difference. I just want to make other people happy.

I'm a terrible liar - anyone who knows me can tell you that. But I'm great at pretending to be happy.

I'm sick of the excuses, though. It's not just being sad. It's not PMS. It's not stress. It's not a lack of sleep. Those are the excuses I give to everyone. All those might be true at one time or another, but there's more going on with me. So it's time to do something about it. (This entire paragraph may sound full of determination, but trust me, it's not. I'm terrified, nervous, and dreading this.)

I haven't really been able to see the real problems with my relationship with Ryan before. All I thought was that he was satisfied, and I wasn't. It was good enough for him, but I wanted more. When I've told my friends about it, they've all been horrified, couldn't believe that I had gone through that, told me I didn't deserve it. But I never really believed them. I've said things about it being a terrible relationship, something that no one should have to deal with...but in all honesty, I never really believed it. It took the person who knows me best saying it for me to realize that it's true - it was an emotionally abusive relationship. He had so much control over me, and I still can't let it go. I see all the signs, but I've never accepted that they were true before.

It's time to stop making excuses. It's time to be well.

(Again, you could read that with a sense of determination, but you shouldn't. It's more reluctance and defeat.)

PS - happy 100th post to me...

You can't hold me down, 'cause I belong to the hurricane

2011-02-02T22:16:00.000-06:00

Talking about sex with guy friends. Straaaaange. I've only ever had conversations like that with my girlfriends, which (of course) have gone much further than the one tonight. It was a very odd conversation, but I must say it was pretty entertaining.

I love being done with homework. OH MY GAAAAWD I love being done with homework. It's such an incredible feeling. I've had three ridiculously difficult exams in the last three days (thus the lack of blogging...sorry). Physiology, microbiology, and pathology.

Also, I had a hard time studying because I've been really depressed lately. But I don't really feel like explaining that right now.

Permanently black and blue

2011-01-28T15:50:00.000-06:00

Things I like, version 2:

my chill playlist on iTunes
talking to people as they walk through the door while I'm working at the front desk (it makes me feel popular)
finding things that I lose
jewelry
the sun coming in through the window
shiny things in general
seeing my favorite boys wearing suits
my favorite boys in general
looking at stars
great conversations with friends I've never really talked to before
texts from friends that make me feel loved
Better Than Ezra

Things I dislike: mean people. Grrrrrr.

This is the story of a girl

2011-01-28T14:58:00.000-06:00

I really don't like being around mean people. Honestly, I kind of can't stand it.

I always like people until they give me a reason not to. Sometimes, they give me a reason to dislike them right away, and then it's really hard for me to get back to a spot where I can be okay with them. But that's not the story I'm telling right now.

Mean people. Why? Why are you like that? I don't understand. What makes you feel so good about making other people feel so terrible? Sure, your comments might get some laughs. But what's the point?

The biggest problem I have with mean people is that they make me feel like crap. Since I try to always see the best in people, I turn most of my negative feelings on myself (as I'm sure you've noticed). So then when other people say negative things about me, it hurts even worse than it probably should. One person in particular does this to me. Usually I think he's pretty cool and I enjoy being around him. Often he has those moments where I think, "Wow, he's just really amazing." And then he has those moments where I think, "What the hell? Where is my friend and who's this asshole that replaced him?"

He can tear people down sooo easily, especially me. I constantly feel like I'm being judged when I'm around him, and that feeling has always been one of my biggest issues. There are times when I want to leave dinner just so I don't have to be around him. Some of my friends can get past this easily and see him as just a wonderful person, but I can't get to that point. I think he's great, but not all the time.

*rant over*

Shattered

2011-01-26T02:00:00.000-06:00

I can't even glance up,
afraid to look you in the eye
silent sobs suppressed into shudders
hearing the words you say
and not buying a thing
I don't even try to hide the disbelief,
shaking my head
because it's all I can trust myself to do
please, repeat repeat
repeat
repeat
until I finally believe.

This week the trend

2011-01-24T11:23:00.000-06:00

EDITEDDD.

I've added two pages to Tall, Red, and Freckled, just in case you haven't noticed. I spent most of the class I'm currently in doing this. It was just one page when I added it last night, but then I realized half the information was about me and half was about my blog. So I split it up and added a few things.

YAYAYAYAYAYAY

A kiss with a fist is better than none

2011-01-23T21:22:00.000-06:00

Things I like:

purple, teal, grey spelled with an e, and black
chocolate hearts
Tootsie Rolls
Diet Mountain Dew
Diet Dr. Pepper
rum
rum and Diet Dr. Pepper
friends
laughing
dancing
Florence + The Machine
The Kollection
jeans that fit a little bit loosely
cute underwear
the smell of men
men's voices
men's bodies
laughing men
men in general
friends
laughing
men
lame teen movies
friends

Come on, show them what you're worth

2011-01-23T12:44:00.005-06:00

I'm a firework.

The smallest things can set me off.
I explode in bright, burning
streaks of laughter
loud and unashamed
demanding your attention.
I burst in spirals, turning
around the dance floor
sure and liberated
feeling your eyes on me.
I'm like watching a show
on the fourth of July
drunk, amazed, awestruck
sensing beauty in the air
clouded by the smoke
that accompanies my fire,
feeling the crowd around me
intoxicated by the alcohol
and the emotion, blending
to make it the best night ever.

These are my confessions

2011-01-19T15:31:00.007-06:00

It's time to admit some things about myself. I don't always feel like this, but I usually do. Fuck, I don't even know how to start this. There's just so much built up inside me right now.

I hate nearly everything about my body. (Yes, I'm a typical girl with typical body issues, plus some. So if you don't care or don't want to hear it, stop reading.) Why, you ask? Well.

I'm 6'0 tall, which has always been awkward and not cool in my book.
I never use scales because they make me cry.
I realize that as a tall person, my ideal body weight is greater than people who are normal heights, but I can't help it.
Born to dance? Fuck that. If I were born to dance, I would be less than 5'6 and around 100 pounds.
Shopping is usually fun...when I'm looking at accessories. When it comes to trying on clothes, I almost always end up discouraged and angry because nothing ever fits me.
Jeans are nearly impossible for me to find; I have to get at least extra-longs in one of the largest sizes because my hips are so big, and I spend hours trying them on and find maybe two pairs.
I don't realize it UNTIL I try on jeans that my hips are huge.
(I actually really like having curvy hips...only thanks to Ryan.)
I was told once that my eyes have a unique shape, but that only makes me think they're weird.
I think I have a really big forehead.
I only like my hair when it's straight, but it takes so much time and effort that I hardly ever do it.
My feet (as I wrote about it my recent post) have calluses from dancing for 14 years, and I'm convinced they'll never be smooth.
My hands are too small for someone my size.
I have small shoulders, tiny ears, and an extremely short upper lip.

Last but not least, what I hate most about myself: my insulin spots.
There are hard deposits about a centimeter below my skin that came from doing too many injections there in the last twelve and a half years.
They're horrible. To me, they look like two little tumors on either side of me, in line with my belly button, just inside my hip bones. They have little bruises around them from other shots. I hate them with every fiber of my being and sometimes I just want to take a knife and cut them out.
They're the only things I really try to hide from everyone. Sometimes I wear leggings under my jeans and tell you it's just to be warmer...but I wouldn't tell you it's also because they can hold in my insulin spots. I wear a sweater or a jacket every day, just so I can cover them up.

A recent excerpt from my journal (I know, a journal with stuff that's not already on my blog? Crazy, right?):
"It's nights like these that make me want to run back to him. The one who would rub aloe as gently as he could on my severely burnt back, the one who once told me I was perfect, the one who would kiss the insulin deposits under my skin that I hate so much. He would hold me while I cried, my forehead on his shoulder and my face stuck frozen in a sob that felt like it would never end. 0.09% NaCl solution coursing down my cheeks, chest caving in like my heart was a black hole, not feeling the need to breathe."

Even when I've tightened my belt by a notch, when I know that my stomach's full of air because I ate wheat today and not with food because I ate too much, when I've felt so good about myself earlier in the week...I can't escape the tears that are so ready to spill.

My whole life has been "don't tell Ali"

2011-01-18T14:14:00.003-06:00

That's why it kind of hurt to see that on your screen. But maybe I'm just over-analyzing (I tend to do that...). Everyone deserves privacy.

I'm just so dang curious! Especially when I'm on the wrong end of a secret.

Alive

2011-01-17T10:16:00.002-06:00

calloused and bruised
my feet, my soles
my soul
perpetually searching for a beat
dancing eternally without rest
seeking perfection
unattainable and demanding
screaming out in pain
for days after rehearsal
the only time I feel alive
stinging and burning
throbbing and loving it
my feet, my soles
my soul

Babies make bad things better

2011-01-15T02:20:00.003-06:00

Especially when they're adorably fat, happy, and lovable.

We went to the hospital again to see Uncle Mike. He had a rough day - his meds were giving him an erratic heartbeat (which is not favorable after a heart attack...), so he had a busy day trying to get that under control. The doctors switched his meds, but he's absolutely exhausted. He seemed like he was in a half-asleep state, and we weren't able to see him for a while. When we finally did get to see him, he was super nauseous. He looks just like my grandma did when she was in the hospital the last time I saw her...like I said, rough day.

BUT...I got to see Cale today. That made everything soooo much better.

I call him Bubba. He's such a chub, and it just fits him! I automatically call him that when I see him. My Aunt Susan (aka Bubba's grandma) heard me call him that, sooo long story short, Bubba is Cale's new nickname. :) Aunt Sue (NOT Aunt Susan, but my mom's sister Sue) said something about knowing a guy whose nickname was Bump because he was chubby - I don't really get that one. Aunt Susan was holding Cale, and she looked at him and said, "Cale, are you a Bubba or a Bump?" Cale immediately made this adorable little noise that sounded like he said Bubba! GAAAAHHHH CUTEST THING EVER. I love that little man so much.

So basically, rough day made better by a baby.

In addition, credit for making me feel better is also due to Steph. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I needed someone to just focus on me for a little bit, just to be there and to listen. Also, to provide hugs. LOVE YOU.

Lost, fading to grey

2011-01-12T15:57:00.003-06:00

My uncle Mike had a heart attack on Monday. Apparently it was a pretty bad one, because he's getting a quadruple bypass right now. Mom told me today, which is Wednesday (why do I always find these things out way after the fact?). I guess maybe she didn't want to stress me out too much, because I started classes on Monday. It's understandable, because I'm pretty stressed out now. I was supposed to call Diana, the PA from Dr. McCashland's place, to get more information about my biopsy, but I couldn't handle that. I'll call her when I get out of class and explain the situation. Heck, maybe I can just stop up there tomorrow and talk to her in person.

I don't have classes tomorrow, so I'm going to UNMC to visit Uncle Mike with Mom and Aunt Sue (who's currently on her way here). Until then, I'll do these things:

straighten my hair finally
go to dinner
go to the basketball game
have fun
dance
laugh
come back and go to bed
pray, pray, pray

Much thanks to Bill, Chris, and especially Patrick, who were so comforting this afternoon.