On the edge

I don't know what to say.

I've been trying to think of a new post for so long, but there's just nothing I feel the need to say to everyone.

I'm fighting the edge of another depressive episode, starting with an appointment with my counselor Monday. I think I'll be fine. At least I'm being proactive about it this time?

I have a letter to write to someone. If I haven't said it here before, that's what I tend to do when I journal. I write letters to specific people - sometimes loving, sometimes angry, always honest. This one is thankful. And I should probably share it with the person to whom I'm writing when I finish it.

Anyway, I'm drowning in homework this semester, but I actually don't mind it all that much. Right now I just need to organize my life.

Happiness throws a shower of sparks

(this is all of my typical advice thrown into one post. to everyone and no one in particular, including myself)

Stop it.

Stop thinking those thoughts that say you're worthless, ugly, terrible.

Stop being surprised when you're told that someone finds you attractive. Why shouldn't they? Look at all the things about you to attract them. There are a lot. Whether it's your laugh, smile, body, personality, whatever. It's damn attractive, and you should believe it.

Stop buying into the songs that tell you how to feel about yourself. You know, the ones that make you subconsciously start disliking parts of you so that you can be proven wrong by someone - "her laugh, she hates it but I think it's so sexy" and "you don't know you're beautiful, and that's what makes you beautiful." I don't want to swear on this blog, but really, F THAT S. Own your beauty. You're awesome. You're allowed to be aware of the fact that you're awesome. Now I'm not saying you have to shove your awesomeness down everyone's throats - they're aware of it too.

Stop with the idea that there's just one person out there for you. Anyone out there could be for you. If you keep thinking there only exists one solitary partner for your life, you're heading down a potentially lonely (and quite frankly boring) path.

Be with the people around you. Get to know them even deeper than you do. Be the one that someone comes to for ice cream to heal a broken heart (many of my friends know that's my solution - and make it good ice cream, like Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Buns or Coldstone's Birthday Cake Remix). Buy a drink for someone (if you're 21+, that is). Offer to drive. If you like something about a person, tell them. Allow someone to buy you a drink...or do what's even more difficult and accept a compliment from them without turning it down and refusing to accept it. Say thanks.

Do something you loooove. I'm not saying it has to be your career. I'm fully aware that I'm not going to be an actual artist someday, but I still let myself paint because I enjoy it. I allow myself to be satisfied with the results.

Let go of regret. As I said in my previous post, "regret is such a pointless emotion, don't you think?" If you're upset about the outcome of something, don't bother wishing you could alter it. Regretting it isn't going to change the outcome. Consider it, learn from it, move on.

These are my current thoughts, my ways that I'm trying to create a happier life for myself. What are yours?

WHOA GUYS WHOA

5000 total pageviews? Daaang. One week from today will be this blog's 3rd birthday, and I'd just like to thank you all for sticking with me. It's a small blog with not much purpose, but you've seen me through ups and downs, goods and bads (and uglies). I like you all. :)

I am done with my graceless heart

Since it's the first day of 2012 (at least as I'm starting this post it is), so I figured I should make my list of resolutions.

1. Be happier.
2. Work out at least 3 times a week.
3. Eat 2 fruits and 2 vegetables a day.
4. Call mom once a week.
5. Enjoy my friends' last semester at Creighton with them.
6. Stop taking things for granted.
7. Let go of regrets; accept things for what they are.

A couple things have stuck with me lately -

I was listening to Shake It Out on our drive home from Kansas City today, and something hit me. I knew I had to listen to it when we left the restaurant after eating lunch. I don't know what it was; I was listening to it and it was just so moving. I even had to let a few tears go, looking out the window to hide them from my parents. Of course I've heard the song before, but it really meant something this time. It was like I knew that today marked a new start, and the lyrics were written to prove it to me:

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of these questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it up, shake it out, shake it up, shake it out, ooh woaaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh woah, oh woah...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

The other thing that struck me was a line from a book I read recently: "Regret is such a pointless emotion, don't you think?" I don't know why, but it just kind of got stuck in my head. I've been thinking about it for the past few days since I finished the book, and how I might sometimes say that I don't have any regrets because I've learned from my mistakes, and how that's not really true. I've been weighed down by regrets in my life - who I loved, how I loved them, things I've done, and things I've allowed to happen. So that's why #7 up there exists. I've decided to start letting things go, or at least trying to do that.

And #1, well...that's most important on that list.