...what would you do?
When you hear that question, what's the first thing that pops into your head? Anything in the world, no physical/mental boundaries. What's the first thing you'd want to do?
We're asking this question of various people here at Creighton for my building's spirit week. Our inspiration came from The Anything Project, created by the University of Victoria (in Canada). I won't lie to you - I wasn't impressed with the project at first. Sure, it provided some food for thought. But what was the point? What could just asking the question do to change anything?
As we're filming people answering it for our own video, though, I'm noticing something. Freshmen through seniors are going to be in it, and a lot of them are really surprising me. So many of their first thoughts are of what they could do for others, rather than what they'd want to do for themselves.
So maybe this project isn't pointless. Maybe it inspires consideration of the world and how to improve it. Maybe it gets people thinking about all the things they have the potential to do...because really, we have the ability to do anything in today's world. Who knows what technological advances we could see in our lifetimes? Literally anything could be possible.
So think about it. If you could do anything, what would you do?
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Have you ever wanted to know what it feels like? Depression, that is.
It feels like this.
It feels like that, and it feels like confusion, drifting, apathy, pretending, hiding, anger, irrational annoyance, and shame, because what do I have to be sad about? My life is not that bad. But then when I think about it I keep finding all these reasons why it sucks. And then I think about all the people and things that make me happy, and it doesn't suck quite so much.
So maybe I'm a depressed optimist? I don't know. (oh, I say I don't know a lot when I have my depressive episodes)
Anyway, I broke down in the endocrinologist's office the other day for the third appointment in a row. So for the first time, my doctor wants me to start up counseling to focus on diabetes, because that's such a huge factor in it. She said that maybe doing that will help to relieve some of my stress and anxiety about it, which will help improve my blood sugars. Plus it'll help me get back to at least a neutral state, so maybe then I can start taking a little more control of my life.
I made the appointment the next day. It's funny how just setting up the appointment makes you feel just a little better. Other things that also make it better: people who are naturally happy (rather than trying to make me happy, because that's trying to fix it and that's not what I need), people who understand, my service trip group (because in Alabama it was like my depression didn't really exist, so now I associate that whole experience with happiness).
Song of the week:
It feels like this.
It feels like that, and it feels like confusion, drifting, apathy, pretending, hiding, anger, irrational annoyance, and shame, because what do I have to be sad about? My life is not that bad. But then when I think about it I keep finding all these reasons why it sucks. And then I think about all the people and things that make me happy, and it doesn't suck quite so much.
Anyway, I broke down in the endocrinologist's office the other day for the third appointment in a row. So for the first time, my doctor wants me to start up counseling to focus on diabetes, because that's such a huge factor in it. She said that maybe doing that will help to relieve some of my stress and anxiety about it, which will help improve my blood sugars. Plus it'll help me get back to at least a neutral state, so maybe then I can start taking a little more control of my life.
I made the appointment the next day. It's funny how just setting up the appointment makes you feel just a little better. Other things that also make it better: people who are naturally happy (rather than trying to make me happy, because that's trying to fix it and that's not what I need), people who understand, my service trip group (because in Alabama it was like my depression didn't really exist, so now I associate that whole experience with happiness).
Song of the week:
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
A new fantastic point of view
There do not exist in this world many things better than the look of pure joy on your friends' faces when they're happy to see you.
Whether it's after not seeing them for a week (or a month), returning to them when you thought you'd left for the last time, seeing them after only being away from them a few hours, or passing by them on your way to or from class...there's simply nothing like it. Okay, so this is getting awfully far away from reality for the rest of you, so I'm just going to explain what I'm talking about.
Before we begin, I want to let you know I'm going to get a little faithy here. If you don't want to read about it, I understand and won't be offended. I know I have a lot of friends who are atheists/agnostics/struggling with their personal faith, so I hope you all don't see this as me preaching to you. I'm just going to write about what I felt.
Also, how are Disney songs so fitting? (see this post's title, and keep reading)
Obviously, if you read my last post, you know that I went to Montgomery, AL, on a service trip last week over my fall break. At the time I wrote that one, I was unsure of how to feel about it. I started finally getting excited during lunch the day we were leaving, when I knew it would be a week before I saw the people with whom I was eating. As our departure time approached, that feeling kept building until I was nearly exploding with excitement an hour before we were supposed to leave. I was practically skipping to my room after class got out, and I finished packing and called my mom and was ready to leave half an hour later.
I was the first one from our group to arrive at the vans, which actually was probably for the best. It gave me some time to get all my energy out and settle down before I drove everyone insane. By the time we actually pulled out of the parking lot (on time, believe it or not!), I had returned to my original state - not necessarily excited or nervous, but ready to go.
We stayed in Columbia, MO, that night - a little less than 1/3 of the way to Montgomery - because Eric's parents were so incredibly kind and let us spend the night at their house (Eric, tell your parents thanks again!). On the way there, I had one of the potentially most important conversations I've had in a very long time. I've never spoken so openly about my depression with someone I barely knew...I've never spoken about my depression with someone I barely knew. I for once wasn't overcome with emotion while talking about it, and I was able to see things a little differently because of the questions I was asked. For once, I didn't feel like I was just talking at someone. My listener was interested and curious, and I'm assuming (correct me if I'm wrong) had never really experienced something like that before, so maybe they learned from it too. I hope so.
We went to the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis that Saturday. It's inside the hotel where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was shot, and the entire experience was so surreal. I stood just a few feet from that spot. I looked into the room where he stayed. What?
Saturday night, we arrived at Resurrection hungry, tired, and worn out from driving 12 hours that day. Somehow we all summoned up the energy to hang out for a little while, but I had to go to bed after a little while. We went to Mass on Sunday and heard from Fr. Manuel one of the most moving homilies I've heard in a long time. I've heard the reading ("Give to Caesar what is Caesar's and give to God what is God's") a countless number of times, but it never really meant much to me. To be honest, I'd associated the entire thing with money. Fr. Manuel spoke about giving ourselves to God, though - He made us, and we are His. (See, I told you it was going to get faithy) So it provided some food for thought, most definitely.
The second thing that struck me about Mass that day was the music. Previously, I'd always thought, "Why is Gospel music such a big thing? Do people really need to be entertained while they're at church? That's not what church is about." Uhh, hello Ali. You were wrong. Experiencing it firsthand made all the difference. I realized partway through Mass how full my heart felt...and if you've been following along, you're probably aware of the fact that I've been struggling with that for a while - struggling with actually feeling something in my chest instead of the pulling weight that's been there for a few weeks. I was happy to be there, happy to be singing along even when I didn't know the words, happy to be seeing all these other happy people. So something occurred to me during the Mass...maybe the South has been doing it right, using music to express their joy and praise for God. I mean, music is where I usually find my peace. So maybe it's not about being entertained during church - maybe it's about being fully present.
After Mass, we set up for the church picnic at a reception hall a few minutes away, and then we served and ate some really delicious food. By the end of it, the ladies at my table were force-feeding me the most delicious bundt cake I've ever eaten and pudding and other desserts. I think I gained ten pounds at that picnic alone.
Whether it's after not seeing them for a week (or a month), returning to them when you thought you'd left for the last time, seeing them after only being away from them a few hours, or passing by them on your way to or from class...there's simply nothing like it. Okay, so this is getting awfully far away from reality for the rest of you, so I'm just going to explain what I'm talking about.
Before we begin, I want to let you know I'm going to get a little faithy here. If you don't want to read about it, I understand and won't be offended. I know I have a lot of friends who are atheists/agnostics/struggling with their personal faith, so I hope you all don't see this as me preaching to you. I'm just going to write about what I felt.
Also, how are Disney songs so fitting? (see this post's title, and keep reading)
Obviously, if you read my last post, you know that I went to Montgomery, AL, on a service trip last week over my fall break. At the time I wrote that one, I was unsure of how to feel about it. I started finally getting excited during lunch the day we were leaving, when I knew it would be a week before I saw the people with whom I was eating. As our departure time approached, that feeling kept building until I was nearly exploding with excitement an hour before we were supposed to leave. I was practically skipping to my room after class got out, and I finished packing and called my mom and was ready to leave half an hour later.
I was the first one from our group to arrive at the vans, which actually was probably for the best. It gave me some time to get all my energy out and settle down before I drove everyone insane. By the time we actually pulled out of the parking lot (on time, believe it or not!), I had returned to my original state - not necessarily excited or nervous, but ready to go.
We stayed in Columbia, MO, that night - a little less than 1/3 of the way to Montgomery - because Eric's parents were so incredibly kind and let us spend the night at their house (Eric, tell your parents thanks again!). On the way there, I had one of the potentially most important conversations I've had in a very long time. I've never spoken so openly about my depression with someone I barely knew...I've never spoken about my depression with someone I barely knew. I for once wasn't overcome with emotion while talking about it, and I was able to see things a little differently because of the questions I was asked. For once, I didn't feel like I was just talking at someone. My listener was interested and curious, and I'm assuming (correct me if I'm wrong) had never really experienced something like that before, so maybe they learned from it too. I hope so.
We went to the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis that Saturday. It's inside the hotel where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was shot, and the entire experience was so surreal. I stood just a few feet from that spot. I looked into the room where he stayed. What?
 |
| The National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis, TN The wreath marks the balcony where Dr. King was standing when he was shot. |
The second thing that struck me about Mass that day was the music. Previously, I'd always thought, "Why is Gospel music such a big thing? Do people really need to be entertained while they're at church? That's not what church is about." Uhh, hello Ali. You were wrong. Experiencing it firsthand made all the difference. I realized partway through Mass how full my heart felt...and if you've been following along, you're probably aware of the fact that I've been struggling with that for a while - struggling with actually feeling something in my chest instead of the pulling weight that's been there for a few weeks. I was happy to be there, happy to be singing along even when I didn't know the words, happy to be seeing all these other happy people. So something occurred to me during the Mass...maybe the South has been doing it right, using music to express their joy and praise for God. I mean, music is where I usually find my peace. So maybe it's not about being entertained during church - maybe it's about being fully present.
 |
| The whole group at the Resurrection church picnic: Mary Clare, Chelsea E., me, Eric, Nolan, Amy Andi, Chelsea L., Katie, Sarah, Anne, Garret, Anthony Teresa, Jessica, Kathryn |
Later in the week, we also got to see the National Civil Rights Center in downtown Montgomery (not to be confused with the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis). Its focus was on some of the people who were brutally killed during the Movement and whose deaths were important but maybe not well-known. It was very small and didn't take long to walk through and read everything, but I got more out of it than the museum in Memphis. At the end, it showed that civil rights has to do with more than just the Movement of the 1960s, that it's something the world is still struggling with tremendously. The very last part of the center was a dark room with a huge screen on one wall with countless names floating down to the floor. It was the Wall of Tolerance, the name of which I didn't really like (I prefer "acceptance" to "tolerance"), but I found it very moving to be inside that room. I wrote a lot in my journal that day, more than doubling the number of pages I'd used for my previous entries. It was definitely a powerful day.
Oh man. This post is starting to get way too long. Umm...summary of other things:
I got to hang out with a bunch of 7th graders at Resurrection School, and by the end of the week they actually thought I was cool - possibly because I broke out the Dougie in Sr. Gilda's classroom. They were pretty awesome kids, not gonna lie.
I drove around the city with a few others delivering food boxes to some elderly people, which was quite the experience - Ms. Viola was wonderful, telling us to stay in school and making it obvious that she was proud of us for going to college, even though we had just met her.
We had dinner with Ms. Taylor (from the Equal Justice Initiative), Rev. Graetz (the first white preacher to publicly support the Civil Rights Movement), Dr. Hardy (who had been heavily involved with the Movement starting in his teenage years), and Mr. Malden (Nelson Malden, NOT Mandela, who was Dr. King's barber when he lived in Montgomery).
We visited Mr. Malden's barbershop, where the guys trimmed the hairs on their heads. Anthony, Andi, and Garret got haircuts, and Eric got a straight shave.
We visited the home for disabled adults that's located just behind the church, where I met Bobby, who reminded me a lot of one of my cousins and was really cool.
We had dinner again with Mr. Malden, and also Fr. Manuel, Fr. Fred, Michelle (who was in charge of us for the week), and a few other guests.
We helped to organize and put on Resurrection's annual gala fundraiser event where we met Ms. Bonnie and Ms. Charlotte, and I have never felt so important to two women who I'd just met ever before. I got my Southern accent back for a little bit, and now it's a lot easier for me to slip right back into it (Ms. Bonnie sounds just like my Aunt Judy, who lives in the southern part of Texas). We may have gotten food poisoning from that benefit, but who knows?
A lot of us were sick on the way back this past Friday. Mine hit later than everyone else's - they were all sick in the morning, but I didn't get it until we stopped for fried chicken in Memphis that afternoon. It was (of course) worst while I was driving, but I had some Gatorade and water and slept when Katie took over driving for me, and I felt a lot better that night. We stayed at Eric's house again (seriously, Eric, you can't thank your family enough for all they did for us!) and got some really great bonding time in.
I had a couple more conversations that were really critical. I found a kindred spirit whose new friendship I treasure very much, the final drive back into Omaha was again filled with a conversation that was very important, and in the affirmations I received at the very end of the trip, I found something in myself. All these things, all these conversations...they helped me to uncover something. I don't know if I can define it accurately for you, but it's like the words people said to me that day helped me to find a beauty inside myself. It's still faint, but at least I can see it now. It's a new fantastic point of view, if you will. (eh, you see what I did there?)
"We left as strangers, but we became a family." (credit to Nolan for that one)
So did I come back changed? Maybe a little. But more than that, I came back rejuvenated, with a strengthened voice and a strengthened will to continue to be an advocate for those who are silenced.
This was by no means every detail of the trip - there are so many things I couldn't fit in here, things I'm keeping in my journal and my heart. I'd love to talk with any of you reading this about those things, but for now I'm going to have to be done.
With love, Ali G.
 |
| A couple things I wanted to remember from the National Civil Rights Center |
I got to hang out with a bunch of 7th graders at Resurrection School, and by the end of the week they actually thought I was cool - possibly because I broke out the Dougie in Sr. Gilda's classroom. They were pretty awesome kids, not gonna lie.
 |
| My 7th graders! |
We had dinner with Ms. Taylor (from the Equal Justice Initiative), Rev. Graetz (the first white preacher to publicly support the Civil Rights Movement), Dr. Hardy (who had been heavily involved with the Movement starting in his teenage years), and Mr. Malden (Nelson Malden, NOT Mandela, who was Dr. King's barber when he lived in Montgomery).
 |
| With our special dinner guests |
 |
| The guys with Mr. Malden at the barbershop - don't they look great? |
We had dinner again with Mr. Malden, and also Fr. Manuel, Fr. Fred, Michelle (who was in charge of us for the week), and a few other guests.
We helped to organize and put on Resurrection's annual gala fundraiser event where we met Ms. Bonnie and Ms. Charlotte, and I have never felt so important to two women who I'd just met ever before. I got my Southern accent back for a little bit, and now it's a lot easier for me to slip right back into it (Ms. Bonnie sounds just like my Aunt Judy, who lives in the southern part of Texas). We may have gotten food poisoning from that benefit, but who knows?
 |
| My darling Ms. Bonnie! |
 |
| If you ever go to Memphis and want some really good fried chicken, go to Uncle Lou's. Seriously, the Sweet Spicy Love sauce was amazing, and the place has been on the Food Network twice! |
I had a couple more conversations that were really critical. I found a kindred spirit whose new friendship I treasure very much, the final drive back into Omaha was again filled with a conversation that was very important, and in the affirmations I received at the very end of the trip, I found something in myself. All these things, all these conversations...they helped me to uncover something. I don't know if I can define it accurately for you, but it's like the words people said to me that day helped me to find a beauty inside myself. It's still faint, but at least I can see it now. It's a new fantastic point of view, if you will. (eh, you see what I did there?)
"We left as strangers, but we became a family." (credit to Nolan for that one)
So did I come back changed? Maybe a little. But more than that, I came back rejuvenated, with a strengthened voice and a strengthened will to continue to be an advocate for those who are silenced.
This was by no means every detail of the trip - there are so many things I couldn't fit in here, things I'm keeping in my journal and my heart. I'd love to talk with any of you reading this about those things, but for now I'm going to have to be done.
With love, Ali G.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I feel your heartbeat
I'm a little obsessed with The Fray's new single (and The Fray in general, but we all knew that, didn't we?).
Anyway.
I'll be leaving Nebraska at 4:00 Friday afternoon with 15 people I don't really know to go to a place I've never been before (which just so happens to be approximately 17 hours away). That's right, I'm going on my first-ever service trip, and we're headed to Montgomery, Alabama, for a week over fall break. We still don't know exactly what we'll be doing when we get there, but our site has a few different areas where they may need us - an elementary school, a program for elderly adults, and other things. So I guess we'll see! We'll also be helping serve at a Mardi Gras-themed event for our site (Resurrection Catholic Missions). On our way to Montgomery, we'll be going through Memphis and stopping at the National Civil Rights Museum. I really can't wait for that part.
I'm nervous. I'm nervous, and I'm excited, and I'm a little scared. I don't know what I'm going to take away from this - I don't really know what I'm supposed to take away from this. I've always wanted to go on a service trip, but I've never had the motivation to do it like I do this year. A lot of my best friends have at least gone on service trips before, and quite a few are leading some this year. I'm glad I'm doing it, and I'm looking forward to it (although I'm going to be missing out on a lot of study time that I could probably use). I'm taking my unused "pretty" journal - too pretty to ruin by writing in it, at least until now - to keep track of my thoughts and my personal reflections on the trip. Hopefully I'll get a decent amount of time to do that. I'm thinking with at least 34 hours in a van there and back I should be good, haha. But I think I"m going to need it, just to process while I'm there. Heck, if I could take my paints, I probably would...but then I wouldn't get anything done, because I'd be lost in paint all day. By the way, I've been painting again, just a little. I haven't had much time to paint in the last few weeks, but it's okay. I have one that's almost done - a little yellow songbird on a mottled green background - but it doesn't have to be done until December. I'll have plenty of time to finish it!
Back to service trips. It's going to be a different experience (which is obviously the point). Our trip is supposed to have some extra focus on civil rights and the problem our country still has with racism. That's something I'm not really too familiar with, other than coming from a town that is now nationally known as racist. I tended to stay away from the issue while I lived in Fremont. Racism is something I don't really understand. The color of our skin, the shape of our eyes, the fullness of our lips, the texture of our hair...why does that make a difference in how we're treated or how we treat other people? Genetic traits like that do not determine our thoughts, beliefs, or actions, and it astounds me that this is still an issue in our society. I'm sure this will be a big learning experience for me.
What stories will I have to tell? With what sort of experiences will I return? I have no idea. One thing we discussed in our preparatory meetings was having empty hearts - not empty in the sense that we don't care about anything, but empty of our inhibitions and our prejudices, in order to leave room in our hearts to be filled by the people we meet, the things we see, and the experiences we have. So what will be filling my heart when I return to Nebraska? I can't wait to see.
So this will be my last post until after I return from fall break. I'll have to make sure to write a post relatively soon after I return, because although I don't have any tests the first week back, I have three the next week. I'm sure I won't be able to convey everything in one simple post, but I'd love to chat with you all about it.
Until then, so long! Wish me luck? Is that appropriate? Sure it is.
PS - I'm feeling better than I was in my last post...my last few posts, actually. School is hard, and it's been getting me down a lot lately. God, it's so difficult. But I'll survive. Just so you know. Love you all.
Anyway.
I'll be leaving Nebraska at 4:00 Friday afternoon with 15 people I don't really know to go to a place I've never been before (which just so happens to be approximately 17 hours away). That's right, I'm going on my first-ever service trip, and we're headed to Montgomery, Alabama, for a week over fall break. We still don't know exactly what we'll be doing when we get there, but our site has a few different areas where they may need us - an elementary school, a program for elderly adults, and other things. So I guess we'll see! We'll also be helping serve at a Mardi Gras-themed event for our site (Resurrection Catholic Missions). On our way to Montgomery, we'll be going through Memphis and stopping at the National Civil Rights Museum. I really can't wait for that part.
 |
| The memorial located where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was shot. |
Back to service trips. It's going to be a different experience (which is obviously the point). Our trip is supposed to have some extra focus on civil rights and the problem our country still has with racism. That's something I'm not really too familiar with, other than coming from a town that is now nationally known as racist. I tended to stay away from the issue while I lived in Fremont. Racism is something I don't really understand. The color of our skin, the shape of our eyes, the fullness of our lips, the texture of our hair...why does that make a difference in how we're treated or how we treat other people? Genetic traits like that do not determine our thoughts, beliefs, or actions, and it astounds me that this is still an issue in our society. I'm sure this will be a big learning experience for me.
 |
| A mural I used to drive by every day and admire. Looking at it now I see a wall that doesn't celebrate our full community - only one race. |
So this will be my last post until after I return from fall break. I'll have to make sure to write a post relatively soon after I return, because although I don't have any tests the first week back, I have three the next week. I'm sure I won't be able to convey everything in one simple post, but I'd love to chat with you all about it.
 |
| Look at (most of) my wonderful group! |
PS - I'm feeling better than I was in my last post...my last few posts, actually. School is hard, and it's been getting me down a lot lately. God, it's so difficult. But I'll survive. Just so you know. Love you all.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
It's like you hit me with lightning
Last night, a resident said to me, "Ali, you look different today - like, beautiful."
Where did that come from? Yesterday was one of my lowest days of the year. I failed a test (legitimately failed it - we get our scores back immediately) in the morning and it just ruined my whole day. I don't know if I really want to be in pharmacy school anymore...or if I ever really did. I was on the verge of tears all day, so much that I had to let them go three times. I felt worthless all day.
I've actually been feeling kind of worthless for a while - at least a couple weeks. Sometimes I think about what I'd be doing if I weren't in pharmacy school, what my major would be, whether I'd be happier with school or not. The thing is...even if I went back to undergrad, I can't see myself doing well in anything. I don't feel like I'm good at anything anymore. I don't feel the passion for school-related things like I used to, and I don't know how to get that back.
So I try to be creative. I try to paint, I try to write. Actually, I don't even write creatively anymore. I realized how sucky I am at that, so I stopped. Now all I do is journal. Pointless. But those are the only things that make me feel better, other than being around friends for distraction.
So I don't know how she could possibly tell me I looked beautiful last night. That's ridiculous.
...but it still made me feel better for a few minutes.
Where did that come from? Yesterday was one of my lowest days of the year. I failed a test (legitimately failed it - we get our scores back immediately) in the morning and it just ruined my whole day. I don't know if I really want to be in pharmacy school anymore...or if I ever really did. I was on the verge of tears all day, so much that I had to let them go three times. I felt worthless all day.
I've actually been feeling kind of worthless for a while - at least a couple weeks. Sometimes I think about what I'd be doing if I weren't in pharmacy school, what my major would be, whether I'd be happier with school or not. The thing is...even if I went back to undergrad, I can't see myself doing well in anything. I don't feel like I'm good at anything anymore. I don't feel the passion for school-related things like I used to, and I don't know how to get that back.
So I try to be creative. I try to paint, I try to write. Actually, I don't even write creatively anymore. I realized how sucky I am at that, so I stopped. Now all I do is journal. Pointless. But those are the only things that make me feel better, other than being around friends for distraction.
So I don't know how she could possibly tell me I looked beautiful last night. That's ridiculous.
...but it still made me feel better for a few minutes.
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