Wednesday, June 29, 2011

(part of) Bandito - Eleanor Lerman

...
This, by the way, this is not a fantasy
It is page 69 (ha ha!) of the manual
I read when we were planning
the takeover

So it didn't happen—so what?
This is better
Wait until I tell you
what's on the next page


These last two stanzas are what really make this poem for me.

Monday, June 27, 2011

This is important right now.

3. Wait for it.
Wait for somebody who is perfect for you. I don't care how long you've been alone, or how easy it is to make excuses for somebody who makes you feel bad. I don't care if it's because you kind of like them, and I don't care if you think it 'could maybe work out.' Wait for somebody who is good to you. It doesn't matter if they make you giggle laugh, because if they give you that empty 'i'm not hungry' feeling in your stomach when they forget to call, they are not fucking worth it. They are never worth your bathroom tears or your constant 'what do you think it means' barrage to your friends. You are worth it. You are stupidly cool/sometimes lame but you have a human pulse and you don't kill people and you deserve to be happy. Maybe this person will take forever, maybe it will take till next week. Who knows when they will get their lazy ass off the couch and come find you? However, until then, don't put up with the bullshit. Don't put up with the bad feelings. Just go do your own thing until somebody fits your puzzle piece. It'll be something for the books. Don't fucking settle for anything less.

Taken from this. This is important right now.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

This is life, and it's good.

It's a best friend marrying the man who was meant for her. It's getting to share in the joy of the celebration as a bridesmaid. It's standing up on stage, laughing at the pastor's jokes and feeling the tears in your eyes when you see him looking at her with so much love in his eyes.

It's messing up and accidentally giving the wrong address and feeling terrible and apologizing a million times. It's the awkward introductions. It's the rest of the room disappearing while you're having a conversation. It's so many hugs. It's having a fantastic time while you're not even doing anything.

It's cracking up at old camp memories and it's realizing how well you're understood by each other. It's seeing a perfect little apartment that's so crowded with stuff and knowing there's tons more stuff coming into it soon. It's staying up until 2:30 AM when you have to get up in six hours but there's just so much to discuss. It's not being afraid to share your secrets because they're her secrets too. It's picking up right where you left off, no matter how many months or years it's been.

It's muffins for breakfast. It's a bitter cup of coffee with frozen whipped cream because there's no milk. It's singing along to every song on the way home and realizing that you are so incredibly happy. It's a fresh mani/pedi and lunch before leaving again, and it's a friend coming to visit for a while.

This is your life, and it is so good.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Dear searcher,

I see you tried to find my Tumblr by using the name of this blog. However...
Tall, Red, and Freckled is only my Blogspot blog. And I will not be telling you what my Tumblr blog is called, because that's Tumblr and this is Blogspot and they are quite different.
However, I am okay with you searching for me. :)

Monday, June 20, 2011

Tonight, tonight


What am I doing tonight?

Sitting in my room, watching Pride and Prejudice alone for the third (or is it the fourth?) time this summer.

What a waste of an I-feel-pretty day.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

You could crush me

It's that feeling of wanting something so deeply it starts to hurt. It starts in your chest, down below your heart, and it swells and it aches. There are no sharp pains, just a constant throbbing that spreads to your shoulders and down your arms. It's so strong that you think your heart might burst, and you try to breathe and you try to relieve the aching but it just won't fade.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Inside is not a heart, but a kaleidoscope

Too many serious posts lately.

So, I'm living in a building full of seminarians (175 of them) for the summer, in case y'all didn't know that. They're silent right now, which is awkward on top of the fact that they're already awkward in general. But it's interesting, you know? Even in their silence, I'm learning from them - I spent an hour in silence last night, and it was incredibly calming and serene.

I've had the privilege of meeting Father Michael Delcambre recently. He's been here for IPF (the Institute of Priestly Formation) for the past few days, teaching the seminarians. Sadly, he's leaving to go back to Louisiana early tomorrow, but I'm grateful for the chances I had to chat with him.

I don't have much time, so I'm going to make this quick. The main thing I've learned from Fr. Michael is to not only see the beauty in things we notice each day, but to try to understand why we noticed them. He calls it our "grace moment of the day." I feel like I'm not explaining this well.

It's a moment during our day when we can feel or see God in our lives - something that awes or amazes us. Does that make more sense?

Anyway, I like the idea of it. So I'm going to start doing it, journaling my grace moment each day. I think it'll be a good way to really examine the beauty in my life.

Sorry, I don't want to go all evangelical on you guys. This is basically just me rambling. But I just wanted to share that little piece of happiness with you. :)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Is anybody listening?

Can't get enough of this song lately.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Room 516

blue sticky tack still on the side of the shelves, a long red hair stuck in it
a crack in the white plastic light fixture
plate on the south wall, its slight tilt that drove me a little crazy
irremovable safety rail on the side of the bed
drawer, third from the bottom, that only stays shut when it's empty
remaining furniture rearranged
missing a refrigerator because I brought my own
but that impossible microwave is there, the one that always burnt the popcorn
a teal plastic hook that I forgot in the bathroom
and the drain in the shower completely loose
missing its screws since it was fixed
scuffs of maroon scarring the west wall
reminders of the chair that once sat there

Important things happened here,
where I found perfection in the imperfections.

I just can't this right now.

I can't this.

I'm trying to escape in happy memories and Harry Potter books, in work and in thoughts of home on Wednesday. But I can't. I can't shut out the hateful words, I can't block them from my memory. I can't deal with name-calling and I can't deal with words being put in my mouth when I never said them (and never would).


I can't cry because I'm at the front desk, working with a girl I hardly know and there are priests and seminarians everywhere. I can't cry because you're not here and there are other people moving into your room, because you're in Florida and I'm so happy you're there and I hope you are too. So I can't need you here right now because that's not fair.


But damn it, I do.

6:59 AM - Shane Koyczan


I've been told
that people in the army
do more by 7:00 am
than I do
in an entire day

but if I wake
at 6:59 am
and turn to you
to trace the outline of your lips
with mine
I will have done enough
and killed no one
in the process.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Signed sincerely, me

Yep, I'm doing it. I'm writing a post about not writing.

It's been a long time since I've written something real...on here, at least. That crap poem where I couldn't put into  words how much I felt doesn't count - a) because I couldn't put into words how much I felt, and b) because I wrote it in a notebook first. Also, I wrote a letter the other night (that made me cry because I was so overwhelmed with everything I wanted to convey), and it will be on its way to the recipient very very soon (I promise). So I have done a little writing, yes, but not like this. This is stream of consciousness, flowing straight from my fingertips, less thought-out and deliberate writing.

Why, though?

I don't really know. Maybe I haven't had time to collect thoughts about any particular subject. Maybe I've just kind of been floating along the last few weeks and haven't actually felt passionate about any particular subject. Maybe it's that I don't want to share everything with...well, everybody.

Of the three options I've just allowed myself to consider, I think it would have to be the last one that is most likely to be the cause of this writer's block(?). It's quite possible that some of the subjects about which I've wanted to write are too much to share here. It's possible that they might be looking at this post right now.

#whoops

Also for that reason, I have not been sharing nearly as much personal information as I usually do...well, anywhere. Because I don't know who's seeing this or my Tumblr or anything else, I don't want to overstep boundaries that might exist or cause awkward situations that are only going to break my heart. I'm usually so willing to share everything with everyone, and now I'm wondering why. If I put everything out there, where's the mystery? It's the mystery that makes people crazy, makes them think and analyze and crave.

Sometimes I wish I could focus on certain people and see what they do. It would make things so much easier. But then I know that I wouldn't want to use that power, for fear of not seeing what I hoped.

So basically, I think about you a lot, and all I can do is hope that you do the same. Except about me. Because you shouldn't think about yourself as much as I think about you. That's just conceited, and you're not like that.

This rambling post brought to you by the 1:30 AM version of Ali G.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

new pitcha :)

I felt pretty today. :)