I think I like today...

"...I think it's good...it's something I can't get my head around."

Basically, today was fantastic.

I hardly slept last night because I was so inspired to edit a poem I had posted on here a while ago. I changed it three times last night, then completely overtook it twice again this afternoon. When I was finally satisfied and could read it aloud and feel the ebb and flow of my heart along with it, I submitted it to Shadows, the literary magazine. Who knows whether it'll be accepted or not. Regardless, I will hopefully get some comments on it to see what the staff liked and what they would have changed. Look at me, learning how to take criticism.

Classes were typical, nothing special. But my assignments for the weekend were pretty dang easy, which is really nice. Had my meeting with Mandi (mah booosssss), which went really well. She said that I was mentioned in a few weekly reports, even though she had only sent one comment to me. That made me feel incredible, to be honest. All I want is to make my friends feel good about themselves. All I want is to help, and it's nice to hear that I did every once in a while.

Dinner with wonderful friends, of course, made the day even better. Steph is finally back! :) Also, I began listening to Kerrigan-Lowdermilk's album that I bought on iTunes last week, and I can't get enough. Especially this song. It just makes me want to dance - I'm feeling lyrical with that one. OH, and after dinner. Shannon took me to the stress-relief program they were having in McGloin: PUPPIESSSS. Oh my goodness.

I feel pretty today. I legitimately dressed up, with a sweater-dress and leggings and boots and all. Why? Umm...just because? I felt like looking hot today! And I've been waiting for the right weather to wear this outfit. I curled my hair before dinner, and it turned out super-well! I really like what my bangs are doing right now, and I'm thinking it might happen more often.

Possible enhancement to my look...I was happy. As Audrey Hepburn said, "I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls."

We're just amateur lovers with amateur friends

"I love you."

Simple words, aren't they?

But think about it...to how many people have you said that and really, truly meant it? Honestly, outside of my family, there aren't too many that I can think of.

I'm an I love you slut (like Hannah from Made of Honor). I say it all the time, but I don't believe in saying it too much. I use it to express things that might be better expressed by other words, but I never think people would be better off not saying it. It's a phrase commonly used to tell people that they're really great, or when people feel obligated to say it because someone said it to them, or to people they don't truly know because it makes them feel like they have friends.

So I'm making it my promise to you, my friends, to tell you that I love you and mean it. And if I have told you that I love you, believe me - I truly meant it. In a whisper at 4:30 am, yelling from my door while you're in the elevator, sitting on your floor drunk on wine and life on a Tuesday night...I couldn't have meant it more. I love you.

"I love, I love, I love you, and never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

Don't be a drag, just be a queen

"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are, because He made you perfectly."

Before I begin, a side note: I think I just fell in love with Taio Cruz's "I'll Never Love Again."

Today. Today started off with very little sleep, but a little more than the night before. Alarm at 6:30, up around 6:50. To the classroom at 7:00, test at 8:00. Lunch consisting of junk food in the library studying for test #2. Test at 2:30. I didn't do as well as I had hoped on either of the tests, but I guess that's kind of what happens when your professors are terrible at scheduling exams and give you three in two days.

(I guess it's also kind of due to the fact that I didn't pay attention in class and spent less time studying for these than the one yesterday, but I'm going to blame other people because that makes me feel less terrible about myself.)
Anyway, so then I had some time off to sit around, chill, and clean up a little bit. Then I had a professional meeting (Midwest College of Clinical Pharmacists, woot!) at 5:30 - baked potatoes included, yum - which focused on INSULIN THERAPY MANAGEMENT. Yessssssssss. I was fascinated, enthralled, and engaged for every second of that presentation. And it wasn't even that great - I just love learning more and more about my disease/future career. So it was great, and I was ecstatic leaving the meeting at 7:00.

Some of my excitement, however, may have been because Wine Tuesday had then arrived. I chilled with my ladies, drank some cheap but delicious wine, and enjoyed being alive for a couple hours. It was beautiful.

So overall, I actually kind of ended up enjoying today. It really wasn't terrible like I thought it was going to be.

Also, I'm hoping Steph feels less stressed out soon! Sending lots of love her way.






Still angry. Made a list of reasons today, which ended up being a lot longer than I originally thought. Eh, we'll see how it goes.

In the shadow of your heart

It's not about him this time.

"Then in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat. I tried to find the sound, but then it stopped and I was in the darkness, so darkness I became."

I feel like I'm constantly applying for friendship. Doing things to make people like me, make them want to be around me like I want to be around them. I've achieved that with very few people, and you're not helping me with it. Like I said, counting down the days until you get sick of me.

Hey, boys.

Boys of friends.

Boy friends of friends.

Boyfriends of friends.

Don't treat my friends like crap.

I'm not okay with that.



Also, please learn how to use grammar correctly. I Hate It When You Type Like This.

A quick update

Better?

Eh, we'll see. At least I felt like laughing today. The weather is helping tremendously!

Sorry for the lack of posting lately...and for the lack of posting that is to come. One exam tomorrow and three next Monday and Tuesday. YIKES.

Broken

my room
alone
melancholy
your room
dissolving
hold me
help me
you can’t, not enough
I don’t know
I need to go
I can’t
I’m scared
I’m scarred
hold me
help me
walk with me
walk with me
catch me I’m falling
will you go with me?
12:30 Wednesday
talking
talking
crying
sobbing
depression
medication?
wait, what?
no, that means it’s real
I’m fine
I’m working on it
I’ll be fine
Won’t I?
I don’t know
hold me
help me
find myself

You're not a person, you're a disease

That's part of my fear.
I'm already defined by disease, and I don't want to add to that.

I'm scared.
Terrified, actually.
I can't do it.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.

I have to, though.



Less than 12 hours to go.

Details in the fabric

If it's a broken part, replace it.
If it's a broken arm, then brace it.
If it's a broken heart, then face it.
Hold your own,
know your name,
and go your own way.

It seems so simple in a song. Just face it.
But when you're terrified of what you're finding inside yourself, it's not so easy.



Things to talk about:

• general sadness and loneliness
• obsession with perfection
• what I hate about myself
• seeking acceptance from other people
• putting the happiness of others before my own
• the aftermath of an emotionally abusive relationship
• how it's not going away...none of it ever goes away.

Make up your mind to be well

"Catch me, I'm falling."

That line from the song he played for me is haunting me. It plays over again and again and again in my head, but it doesn't bother me. It gives me something to think about.

I'm messed up. Seriously, really messed up. I don't know what it is...maybe you can't really put a label on it. But I have big problems, and it's time to admit that. I need more than just friends - don't get me wrong, friends help. They really do. But friends can't fix me.

I love my friends, an incredible amount. I think we all know that. So far this year, they've kept me going, kept me positive, kept me hopeful. I have so much fun with my friends, and I share everything with them (well...almost everything, and some more than others). They're the ones I rely on for hugs, for held hands, for eye contact. But friends can't fix me.

I want to say it's kind of funny, but it's not. It's odd, but not to me. It's crazy, but not to me. So I'll settle for this:  It might be interesting to you, if you don't know me as well as some...ugh. This is making no sense. But I'm not hitting the backspace, because I'm leaving this post as it is (except, of course, for grammatical mistakes). Okay, so. Instead of prefacing it, I'm just going to say it. Someone mentioned me in his weekly report to Mandi last week, saying that I'm always so positive and how it helps keep the rest of the staff positive too. It made me sooooo happy seeing that. I'm really glad that I can help others to be happier - that's what I enjoy most.

But having someone say that I'm great at being positive means that I'm really good at pretending.

Truth is, I'd sacrifice my own happiness any day to make the people around me happy. If someone I love is going to be made happy, I will be miserable (without showing it) if that's what it takes. Because even when I'm miserable, I'm so relieved that someone else is happy that my own feelings don't really make a difference. I just want to make other people happy.

I'm a terrible liar - anyone who knows me can tell you that. But I'm great at pretending to be happy.

I'm sick of the excuses, though. It's not just being sad. It's not PMS. It's not stress. It's not a lack of sleep. Those are the excuses I give to everyone. All those might be true at one time or another, but there's more going on with me. So it's time to do something about it. (This entire paragraph may sound full of determination, but trust me, it's not. I'm terrified, nervous, and dreading this.)

I haven't really been able to see the real problems with my relationship with Ryan before. All I thought was that he was satisfied, and I wasn't. It was good enough for him, but I wanted more. When I've told my friends about it, they've all been horrified, couldn't believe that I had gone through that, told me I didn't deserve it. But I never really believed them. I've said things about it being a terrible relationship, something that no one should have to deal with...but in all honesty, I never really believed it. It took the person who knows me best saying it for me to realize that it's true - it was an emotionally abusive relationship. He had so much control over me, and I still can't let it go. I see all the signs, but I've never accepted that they were true before.

It's time to stop making excuses. It's time to be well.




(Again, you could read that with a sense of determination, but you shouldn't. It's more reluctance and defeat.)




PS - happy 100th post to me...

You can't hold me down, 'cause I belong to the hurricane

Talking about sex with guy friends. Straaaaange. I've only ever had conversations like that with my girlfriends, which (of course) have gone much further than the one tonight. It was a very odd conversation, but I must say it was pretty entertaining.

I love being done with homework. OH MY GAAAAWD I love being done with homework. It's such an incredible feeling. I've had three ridiculously difficult exams in the last three days (thus the lack of blogging...sorry). Physiology, microbiology, and pathology.

Also, I had a hard time studying because I've been really depressed lately. But I don't really feel like explaining that right now.