Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A rap about St. Ignatius...it's what you've always wanted!

Watching this video was our assignment for one of our classes today.

Take a look. It's life-changing.

Obsession



Howl - Florence and the Machine

Monday, November 29, 2010

I do it for love

These next three weeks are going to be rough.

I think I might have to stop posting for a while.

:(

I promise, it won't be three weeks with absolutely nothing, but it's not going to be 3-4 posts a day like it has been the last couple of weeks.

Sorry. ♥ mreh.

THUNDERSNOW

Elane just said this: "My name is Thundersnow and I want to stay with you."

Bahahahaha.

Sitting in the MOO Lounge (that's the Mutual of Omaha Student Lounge in the Hixson-Lied Science Building at Creighton University, for those who don't know), listening to Missy speak at her normal volume, which is ten times that of anyone else. Also eating lunch with Elane (love my fraaaands). Sadly, Megan and Ashley aren't here with us - that's our normal lunch group. They both skipped Health Systems today, so I'm not really surprised that they're not here right now.

So it was 50 degrees (Fahrenheit, of course, because I'm an American) when I left my room this morning. It's the second to last day of November. Ridiculous. On our way back over to main campus from Health Systems, it must not have been too different, but it felt a lot colder. There was a huge front looming over Council Bluffs, but Omaha was under a beautiful blue sky. Elane said something about seeing snow coming out of those looming clouds, and then it thundered. Thus, thundersnow. :)

The coolest snow ever.

Diagram

Mreh. Not too fond of this one. It might have helped if my blood sugar wasn't low while I wrote it.

A dia­gram of my body
to map out every­thing
that’s wrong with it.
Start­ing with the pan­creas,
down to the intestines,
nei­ther of which do their
assign­ments prop­erly
Then back up to the heart,
which you’ve man­aged to
keep from beat­ing nor­mally,
instead forc­ing it to pound,
out of sync with the ratio­nal brain.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I want you.

No.
No, it's more than that.
I'm craving you.
Give me something.
Just a taste.
Anything.
Damn it, I want you.

Nothing I can do about it, though. I promised myself I wasn't going to do anything, like I told you. But you should know, it's eating me alive. It's like a hunger, a thirst for your words, your hips, your warmth.

If I could even possibly put into words what my insides feel like right now...I wouldn't post it. It would be too much. That shit's for my you notebook.

Mess of Me

I'm exhausted. I have not slept enough in the past few days. Maybe that was the cause of my slight meltdown last night.

I feel a lot better today...probably because I've been around people all day. Picking people up from the airport, going to church/lunch/basketball game with my mom, eating dinner with some of my favorite people. Wonderful. :)

Loneliness lingers, though. It always does.

I'm going to go write a letter to you in my you notebook. Just so you know. Something to leave you with:

I'll be your distraction

I just found this, because I was curious about the Zodiac. Interesting...

From here

Virgo(August 23 - Sept. 22)Virgo

  • House: Sixth
  • Gemstone: Sapphire
  • New age : Peridot, amazonite
  • Color: Navy blue, taupe
  • Opposite sign: Pisces
  • Least Compatible with: Aries,Aquarius
  • Ruling Planet : Mercury
  • Element: Earth
  • Anatomy ruled: Abdomen, intestines
  • Flower: Pansy
  • Most compatible with: Taurus, Capricorn and Virgo
  • Tarot card: IX The Hermit
  • Usually:Organized, thorough, humane and thoughtful.
  • Can be:Critical, particular, irritable and untidy.

Closed

Soooo used. "Closed" is a terrible oneword. What else do you expect other than closed doors? Gahhh. Well, here it is anyway.

Closed doors wait­ing to be opened…reminds me of my heart. You could be the only one with the key. But if you never try to unlock those doors, how will you ever know if you are?

I tried to sleep, but I woke myself up. I'm too melancholy to cry, to sleep, to write anything worthwhile.

I Need Somebody To Love

"I don't need too much, just somebody to love."

"Oh, I wanna dance with somebody. I wanna feel the heat with somebody. Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody...with somebody who loves me."

Who else thinks that a mash-up of those two songs would be epic? I totally do. Maybe that's just because they're both running through my head right now.

I get sad sometimes...usually at night, when I have no one's arms around me, or when I see a happy couple. I'm trying to stop liking anyone and just wait for someone to come along, but you have no idea how incredibly difficult that is for me to do. All I am is emotion, and to shut that off...well, it's impossible. My friends tell me someone who's perfect for me is going to come along when I least expect it. I can't help but think, though - what if no one does? Or what if I'm not aware of it when it does happen because I'm too busy focusing on not looking?

You know, if there's someone in my life right now who is interested in me, he should just come right out and say it. It would save us both a lot of misery.

But then again, isn't it the misery that we all love the best?

Until next time, this is a lovesick Ali G signing off.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Affection

It grows every day
stronger, higher, deeper
than I ever expected.
I’m try­ing to open you up,
get a glance inside
the shell around you.
Because you have done
the same for me.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Understood

I thought I under­stood life once.
All I really under­stood was school.
I didn’t under­stand peo­ple,
I didn’t under­stand rela­tion­ships,
I didn’t under­stand I love you.
You made me real­ize that.
Maybe that’s why I hate you.

Only Hope

"You have bewitched me, body and soul. And I love, I love, I love you and never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

I just finished watching Pride & Prejudice. I think I could watch that movie on repeat and never tire of it. It's my favorite movie AND my favorite book. It's the perfect romance, what every girl dreams about. I'm sitting here, trying to say something about it, and I've got nothing. What can I even say? I'm in awe of it. A love like that...it's what I've always wanted, what I'll want my entire life.

The question remaining is...who's going to help me find that?

Thanksgiving

I wrote this yesterday on my iPod, which sadly does not allow me to write on here. Thus, I was forced to type it into my notepad app, so here it is a day later.

Enjoying time with family, I'm reminiscing about other recent holidays. The one that sticks out in my mind was a couple years ago. Well, I guess it must have been at least three or four years ago now...I don't even remember much of it. We were in my mom's hometown of Woodbine, IA, where my grandma lived. I know it was Thanksgiving, because it almost never snows on Thanksgiving, but it was that day. My dad and I were taking a walk downtown. It must have been before dinner...the sky was still grey and white, so it couldn't have been past 4:00 or so. We went walking around town, my dad and I. It's the tiniest little town, so it didn't take long to go anywhere. We went down to the dentist's office where my grandma had been a receptionist. From there, we walked back toward the downtown area, two blocks away. We passed a house that was being built there on the south edge of town, where the hill overlooks the railroad. This house was incredible...stone on the outside instead of brick, all glass walls on the south side, copper detailing on the windows. Apparently and elevator was being put in, too. This palace did not belong in a town like Woodbine. Dad stared and admired for a while as I watched the light, fragile snowflakes fall, until we were too cold to stand still anymore. We walked to the gas station another block down the street to warm up and get sodas. It was there, sitting in the hard plastic tan and orange booth at the PetroMart, that my dad told me it would probably be our last Thanksgiving with Grandma Norma. She had been sick for a long time, just holding on for nearly ten years after Grandpa Pat passed away. I figured it was coming, but it was still a shock. I let a few tears fall, held my dad's hand, and let go.
I learned a lot about life that day. Especially about appreciating what's around you while it's there.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Railroad

I don't like it, but I'm going to post all the onewords I do.

I grew up by the rail­road.
The town’s bor­dered by them.
When I was play­ing in the park
out back behind my house
and I would hear a train com­ing
I always got so scared
and would run into the house cry­ing,
think­ing it was going to take me away.

Bruises

We just spent two hours talking about death, dying, loss, and grieving in my Communications class. Wow, that sucked. I had to leave the room because I started crying.

Deaths really affect me. Even if I don't know the person very well (or at all), it still really upsets me to think about the family and their loss. I don't know why...I guess it just makes me think about the losses I've experienced in my own life.

When I was in first grade, my teacher had cancer and was gone for a large part of the school year. She died about a year later, and we went to her funeral because my mom was a teacher too. To my 7-year-old self, it seemed like the entire town was there.

My grandpa died when I was 8. I saw how it affected my grandma, who truly needed him in her life. They had been childhood neighbors, dating since high school, married for over 40 years. My mom was the one who had to take care of her after that.

My grandma, to all our family's surprise, lived for ten years and a month after my grandpa's death. She passed away almost three years ago, from complications from diabetes and obesity, as well as simply not taking very good care of herself. I was 18 when she died...the last time I saw her alive, I knew that it would be the last time. We had already had some scares in the year or two before that, so we all knew it was coming. I think my mom took me to the hospital that day just so I could say goodbye. I told her about getting my big scholarship to Creighton, and she told me how proud she was of me. The very last thing I heard her say was as we were walking out of her room - she called the nurse and asked for some strawberry ice cream. I think that's one of my favorite memories about her. God, I miss her so much.

Before that, though, I endured a friend's suicide. I was a sophomore in high school, and Brian was a senior. My best friend (Rachel) and I ate lunch with him and his girlfriend, Jane (who was just a year older than us), every day of our freshman year. It was pretty unexpected, and I think that's why it still affects me to this day. I used to think about him every day...now, it's at least once a month, if not a few times more. Every September 18th, I'm a wreck. The song I remember most from his funeral was "Lord of the Dance" because he absolutely loved dancing and performing, and he had so much faith. Green Day's "Wake Me Up When September Ends" was popular at the time, so that song always reminds me of him too. Looking back, we should have seen it coming. Brian had been taking medication to relieve his severe migraines, and I'm sure that was part of it. He suddenly broke up with Jane just a few days earlier, only a couple weeks before the homecoming dance, and when he tried to get her back she was too upset and said no. He left his favorite sweatshirt with a note saying it wasn't her fault in her car that night.

This year alone, my hometown has been shocked with four deaths...three of which were girls in my graduating class. Kelsey died in August from an epileptic seizure in her sleep. Tonya passed away in October from complications she was born with. Courtney was the only person in a one-car accident in the country between Fremont and Lincoln. Those three shocked me so much...they were in my class. I'm the same age as them. I think the worst part was the idea that it could have been me - I realize how much they're going to miss out on, how much I still have left to do in my life. The fourth death was Don Longacre. We took our cars to him to get them serviced - to the garage he owned with his son, Gary. Don's granddaughter Tanya, who is a year older than me, was in my dance classes for thirteen years. He was such a great community member, and everyone loved him. His death was pretty unexpected - he had a brain aneurysm and collapsed at the garage on a Thursday, and they took him off life support on that Sunday.

Combined with the stress that is this year, I was a total mess when these deaths occurred. I've been a complete train wreck of emotions with every death in my life. But now, it's helpful to look back and appreciate what each of those people brought to the world. I try to remember the great things about each one, and with every day it gets better. God knows what he's doing...I'm sure of that.

Monday, November 22, 2010

I Swear, This Time I Mean It

Baby, I'm a dreamer for sure.

I'm writing, and writing, and writing, and now that I've started, I don't know how to stop.

It was so easy to keep it turned off, like an old rusted faucet. But you came and polished me up, not all at once but in a slow, gradual way. Instead of being completely covered with brittle brown layers, there are a few new shiny spots. Water droplets of words are building up in me, beginning to pour out into the empty bucket that is the notebook you gave to me.

You're piecing me back together, slowly but surely. I'm a mosaic in the works, you're the artist forming me. And for that, there's nothing I can do but to thank you.

Laugh for me

When you laugh
it's the perfect melody
that every singer
hopes to achieve

When you laugh
you squint your eyes
like the joy is too much
for them to handle

When you laugh
your shoulders
scrunch in,
cradling your chin

When you laugh
I laugh along
making a song
a lover's harmony

Habit

Shots after shots
forced into it
a life you never wanted
hell, a life no one would want
so what do you do with it?
you make it who you are
but you say that you’re the one in con­trol
liar

Kiss Me

Since I'm enjoying the whole rediscovery thing right now, I made a playlist tonight based on "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None The Richer. I'm listening to it right now. Love love love.

I'm sitting at the Kiewit front desk, idling my time away. I like this shift, 1am-3am...it's always quiet, and I feel like I have time to be with myself. I can (basically) do what I want, and it's pretty much stress-free. Tonight is SUPER-relaxing, especially since:
- I got my homework done earlier today
- I went out to Chipotle for dinner with Katherine
- I danced with Patrick, Bill, and Tiara
- I had plenty of time to shower and re-straighten my hair
- My hair is softer than usual now
- There are two days of classes left until Thanksgiving break
- We don't have meetings tomorrow night
- My 8:00am class is canceled Tuesday
- I only have classes 9:00-12:00 Tuesday
- We're going out for Katie's birthday Tuesday
- I'm going home for about 30 hours on Wednesday

Yayyyyyy! I love this week! And then I come back and am on duty with the wonderful Patrick (who can be found here) starting Friday. It shouldn't be too bad, since it's Thanksgiving break and most people are probably leaving campus.

Dang, I love this playlist. This is exactly what I'm in the mood for right now.

In fact, this entire feeling is exactly what I'm in the mood for right now. Relaxed, not stressed anymore, and veeeeeery chill.

Shoot. I just remembered that I was going to start working on my novel again tonight! I'm going to go do that. Love

Friday, November 19, 2010

Spanish Pop Music FTW


I just wanted to share this video with you guys. It's basically amazing, and something else I've rediscovered this week. Hahahahaha :)

Rediscovered

OH HEY.
Wow, I hadn't realized that it's been a year since I last posted. Insanity.
So...basically, my entire life has changed since November 2009.

First: I broke up with Ryan. Yes, I did the breaking of the hearts. It was the beginning of January 2010. We hadn't talked between Thanksgiving and Christmas break - a good three weeks - and I just felt like I wasn't in a relationship anymore. I was pretty upset about it for a while, and of course I still miss him sometimes, but not nearly as much. He's a stupid boy who didn't try hard enough, and I'm fine. In fact, I'm better than fine. I've rediscovered myself since January. I'm back to being me, not the me I thought I should be for him. That means I've rediscovered God, I've rediscovered beauty in life, and I've rediscovered passion. I'm not sure I'll ever be done figuring out who I am or what I want, but now I'm okay with that.



Second: I've chased a few guys since then, but now I've given up on that. Why should I torture myself trying to get guys to be interested in me when they're not? Ridiculosity, I tell you. Yes. Ridiculosity. I'm working on me now (like everyone tells me to) and someone will come along. Just look at me in that picture - so much happier.

Third: I've learned that patience is key - not just in dating and stuff like that, but in all things in life. More on that later.


Fourth: I'm in freaking PHARMACY SCHOOL. No more undergrad for me! It feels so weird to be in professional school. I'm going to have a PharmD. (doctor of pharmacy) degree three and a half years from now. What?!?! But yeah, those are my parents with me in that picture. Love love love.

Fifth: School is hard. Huhhh? I've never said that before. But it is. It's hard to stay motivated to study when it's all you do all week long, every week in the semester. And it's hard to listen when your professor has the heaviest Indian accent you've ever heard and speaks in broken English. And it's hard to listen when you have Facebook, Twitter, and Bejeweled at your disposal because you have a new computer that the school gave you and you're on it in class all day long.

Sixth: I'm an RA! I love Kiewit Hall and all my fellow staff members and residents. It's a wonderful life...made a little more difficult than normal what with being in professional school and all. But thanks to Res Life, I've got some great people around me who are helping me to develop and grow - Patrick's forcing me to write so that I can find my voice again, Steph is sooo supportive and such a great friend, and I've found my friendships with Shannon, Katie, Tim, and Eric again. Woo hoo!

So basically, everything's different. I have rediscovered my blog (yay!), I have rediscovered myself, and I am in the process of rediscovering my voice. Much love.